The TRUE Testament

Yes....every once and awhile it's nice to discover a verification of why I am a gay woman. Oh I've had several of them over the years...

There was that time that guy(who was married and had no clue I was gay) made a pass at me...touching my leg TWICE. ***SHUDDER*** I took 2 showers to try to scrub out the memory. It was then I thought..."YEP, I am SOOOO Gay." It really helps you to know you can never go back and it's really who you are, it's not just saying you are gay.

There was a few times when I was much younger that I had a notion I was BI(sorry that I just don't understand that notion)...met a really good guy but when it came down to sleeping with him...Lordy, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now, I am not saying there are not good men in this world, because there are. In fact, there have been a couple in my life over the years that really made me wish I wasn't gay. I've always said, I like men, as long as they keep their clothes on and accept that I don't want them and sleeping with them will NOT make me suddenly decide I was wrong about myself.

This being said...I made yet another discovery a couple days ago while at the mall. Yes, a TRUE TESTAMENT of why I am such a big ole lesbian.

I saw 4 men...they were young, 3 of them were black and one was hispanic. I only mention this fact because I have seen this before in black men, the younger ones especially. Though I am not saying it's a racial thing...it's a MAN thing. The mall of course, is full of Christmas and kids and people galore. Here comes these 4 men, and 3 of them are grabbing themselves, trying to find their special "friend" that I guess is present in all of their important decisions. One guy actually let go, but then just couldn't resist finding it again. Now I have to wonder...was he attempting some telekenesis to decide on what store to go into...was he asking his "friend" his opinion about whatever they were all talking about? I am not sure. Are these things made of GOLD where they just MUST touch them for good luck? All I can say is EWWWWW

Do women really find this attractive? When I asked a coworker if they truly were made of gold, she says, "Uh no, they are not." LOL

SO all I can say is THANK GOD I AM GAY...

Not to say that women don't have some peculiar things going on...cuz I know they do..but that's another book.

Merry Christmas TO all

Love and Peace

Something Smells...

Once again I am rambling on about my job and the nature of it. I know I am lucky to know all of the clients I work with...those that are often called "retarded" which is a term I detest and it doesn't describe anything about those wonderful people I've had the honor of knowing.

I've worked for many agencies that are designed to "help" these people and in many aspects, they do. Of course, as with any company, there are problems and nothing goes down as perfect. But some things are just wrong.

Now the agency I work for has outside Case Managers for our clients...which this is different than the other agencies I've worked for. This is set up through the county. Yes another government agency...how appropriate. This is my beef...

I have a client, I will call her "K". She is the one who keeps me smiling, laughing and loving my job even at such a low pay rate. K's mother is very involved in her daughter's care and well being and doesn't just live in the moment, is attempting to plan for K's future, knowing she won't always be around for K. My job is based in something called HOME AND COMMUNITY BASED SERVICES where I train K on certain skills to assist her in becoming more independent. For K this includes shopping, laundry skills training, exercise and cleaning/domestic skills. Now when I began this job, I could tell there was a distinct school of thought about K's mother. K's mother is on the board of directors for my agency. My coworkers and my boss have a distinct distaste for K's mother. I, on the other hand, have gotten to know her and do not fear her nor does she intimidate me. We have a connection and this is due to the fact that I know where she is coming from. All of the things she does and asks for are for K and wanting to know how her daughter's time is being spent and what she is doing. Apparently, my agency and the county does not think she should be so involved and just accept whatever she gets. I find this just deplorable. And because she doesn't just sit back...she asks for answers...so she is the unreasonable bitch. K's case manager from the county AND her boss, the DIRECTOR, avoid phone calls...never return them, don't want to step up and say yes or no, but instead avoid K's mother like the plague. Now...they keep dicking her around when all she is asking for is YES or NO so she can move on to other areas.

Gee, can you tell this is a GOVERNMENT agency??? Just when you think you've seen all the bullshit you think your mind can comprehend...here comes another pile. And does it ever smell....

Here's my List...checkin it twice

Howdy there...
I saw this on KMAE'S blog and thought I'd try it....


1. What is your occupation? Caseworker

2. What color are your socks right now? Black

3. What are you listening to right now? Christmas music on XM

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Fish sticks and Fries

5. Can you drive a stick shift? My car is a stick, so YES

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Lavender

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My girlfriend

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Of COURSE!

9. How old are you today? 41

10. Favorite drink? mocha latte, double shot

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? FOOTBALL, it's the bomb!

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope never have

13. Pets-- Spitz dog, Cody and Siamese Cat, Checkers...my gf's but now mine too

14. Favorite food- -- mashed potatoes and gravy and then, Italian

15. What was the last movie you watched? Another gay movie(AWFUL and waste of time)

16 Favorite day of the year? March 17....My daughter's birthday and then January 8(day I met Cindy)

17. What do you do to vent anger? yell, write

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? electronic battleship

19. What is your favorite season? Fall

21. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? You bet

23. Who is most likely to respond? hard to say

24. Who is least likely to respond? Hmmmm

25. Living arrangements? Me and my girl Cindy, the dog and the cat

26. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday listening to a song in the car

27. What is on the floor of your closet? My dresser

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest you are sendng this to? 2 years

29. What did you do last night? watched football

30. Favorite smells? My girl's body spray

31. What inspires you? People with disabilities

32. What are you afraid of? Death

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? I say CHEESY and SPICY

34. Favorite dog breed? jack russell

35. Number of keys on your key ring. 10

36 How many years at your current job? 1 year in March

37. Favorite day of the week? Saturdays

38. Favorite holiday - Thanksgiving

39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Forklift

40. Confident? most often

A Whole Mess of Wrong Doings

Well...here I am again shooting off my mouth about what's wrong with the world today. Let it be said that I know there are alot of things that are right. In my line of work, I see all kinds of things that involve the well being of those who cannot always speak for themselves. These are people that others in their world have just shoved aside like yesterday's newspaper. Unfortunately, the government is involved in their lives...mostly Social Security and the Department of Human Services(DHS). Now, I have had my own dealings, personally, with these agencies and no matter what state you are in, it's always the same crap to wade through. See what y'all think about this:

One of my coworkers works with a client I will call S. The other day, my coworker was out with S and a conversation ensued. An innocent conversation turned serious. S talked about her stepfather "hurting" her and she ended up showing my coworker by pressing down her stomach saying her stepfather hurts her and hurts her feelings. Now no matter if this is true, we are mandatory reporters. So with the backing of our boss, my coworker reported this to DHS. Come to discover, S's mother works for DHS. The person my coworker reported this to actually told her it probably wouldn't be investigated as, "I know that family and go to church with them....known them for a long time."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So now our boss thinks that S's mother will pull her daughter out of our program. Apparently, she is pissed off that much. Now instead of being pissed off that her own daughter is saying these things, shouldn't she find out why she is saying it? And it would not matter what agency she placed her daughter in...they would HAVE to report it.

What is wrong with these agencies can never be corrected when they decide not to take cases seriously because they know the family or it's a worker's family. What bullshit, but this is what the government has created...the "I'll scratch yours if you scratch mine" mentality. It begs the question: If this will not be investigated, what else is not investigated? How many children, disabled and elderly people have to endure abuse at the hands of their caretakers? And the one place you can go to make things right doesn't take you seriously. I thought of this when my daughter Brittany stated that I had abused her...because of her past problems, they did not take it seriously...but if no one investigates, how do they know nothing's going on? Every case should be investigated and treated as if something bad has happened...but should be investigated impartially. Obviously, that cannot happen in these agencies.

What else has to happen?

That's my rant, I'll be here all week.

All I Want For Christmas Is....For it to be OVER!

Just when Thanksgiving gets done with, knowing the madness has only just begun kinda gets my cackles in an uproar. Although, I have to say..my Thanksgiving was probably the best I've had in many years....if not the very best. My heart just melted having Cindy there, the love of my life and having everyone in my family accept her as part of the family. It made me feel so good to see my stepmother hug her while doing the dishes...don't moms just love it when someone steps up to do the dishes! LOL Cindy had to go home early and since we drove separate cars, I spent the night. My stepmother how well I did for myself having Cindy in my life and I had better "Mind your Ps & Qs." That always makes me laugh! My brothers were both there with their women LOL My brother and his wife came from Denver, CO and my younger brother was there with his girlfriend. Normally, I am not fond of holidays but I can feel it getting better. My stepmother even called to find out what Cindy and I wanted for Christmas! I feel so grateful. My dad, my grandmother, me and brothers stayed up late playing dominoes LOL It was good. Now if only Christmas were done and over with...there's never enough time or money. And why do we stress out so much...oh that's another entry!

It's THAT Time of Year...AGAIN

I welcome me back after what seems to be a long absence. I say this to all the people who read my blog..KMAE LOL

It's hard to believe it's going to be Thanksgiving already. For me, it will be a monumental one. This will be the FIRST Thanksgiving I've ever taken a girlfriend to a family holiday. My dad and stepmother just love Cindy and it's been an amazing transformation. To watch my dad say to her the last time we saw them, "I'll take a hug." LOL I'm sure my jaw was on the floor, and that is when they both invited her for Thanksgiving. My 2 brothers will be there, one who lives in Denver. My other brother who is 28 has not met Cindy yet and it will be good to be there. Ahh not to mention I have a 4 day weekend! It's been a long time since I've had a job where that has happened.

This being said...it's been a long time since I've loved Christmas. Since I've been with Cindy, I have enjoyed it. The holidays were always awful when Brittany was home with me, I know due to her behavioral disorders...though knowing that didn't make it any less stressful. Another reason I am not fond of Christmas is how early it starts and how commercial it is. It is disgusting how materialistic it becomes and it turns normally loving caring people into greedy demons. I'm telling you there is no toy, no eletronic device that I would stand in line at 5am to go buy. So, yes, I am difficult when it comes to birthdays and Christmas gifts...when people ask me what I want...I usually say "nothing" or "I don't know". I just can't tell someone there is something I want. It seems so greedy and self serving to me. If you want to buy me something and you know me pretty well, you already know what I like. Plus I never really ask anyone what they want, because the whole fun of it is the element of surprise, coming up with my own ideas. So maybe it's me that's messed up...who knows, but it's just me.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Making Sense Out of a Senseless Tragedy

There is no way to do it, I don't care how you try, it cannot be done. Recently, a family in Iowa was killed "Allegedly" by the oldest son. It hits close to home because I know the sister of the father who was killed. Not too well, but nonetheless, someone I know is going through hell right now.

The father, his wife and 3 daughters were slain in their own home. Now I am a firm believer in the notion that there is some big plan for everything, though we might not understand it. I cannot make that transition with this event. It tests everything I believe. I have a hard enough time with death, let alone something so awful.

What is the world coming to when the only way to deal with your family is to kill them? Are we so immune to the violence of the world that this becomes second nature? Everyday, someone is shot, killed and tortured and that is not even mentioning war. War has taught us, it's okay to kill someone, take away their life, since they don't beleive what we do. I have my misgivings about the death penalty, but for the most part I agree with it...mostly I think it's too good for all of them. Ugh, don't get Cindy started on that topic!

One more thing:
Why is it that the media shows up for funerals in these cases? It is so maddening to me. There were news crews at these poor people's funerals. Why? Would they want them there if it were their family? My friend and her partner were hounded so much, they had to go stay somewhere else. To have people in your face asking "How do you feel?" WTF...

My friend said now that she has grieved and the funerals are over....she is just angry.

And I'm right there with her.

Greed: It's What's For Dinner...

Every time I believe in humanity and the notion that people are really good, down deep...something will inevitably change my mind. Now mind you, I believe that most people are not this way with their own family members...but it makes you wonder.

One of my coworkers and I work with 2 clients who share a house. Our agency is their payee for their money, so part of our job is to work with them on managing their checkbook and money. James is my coworker's client. He is lower functioning, is difficult to understand at times when he talks and some might say, has strange tastes. He has straggly hair and appears dirty many times...and is because most often he does not shower. I am not sure of the details of his childhood, but it was rough and he was not taught that hygeine was important and obviously, other things. He has a half brother who is suddenly coming around the house every friday and this guy looks like he came from some trailer part down in the bayou...the bad part of the bayou. While at first, we all thought this was good that his family was wanting to spend time with James, it has turned into something else altogether. Every Saturday, my client, Mike, and James share a cab to go grocery shopping. Suddenly, James's brother and entourage are taking him grocery shopping. James has strange eating habits and doesn't eat meat unless it's sausage. While looking over his receipts, my coworker noticed James was buying huge family packs of steak and pork chops..things James never eats. James only has so much money and now he spends every weekend with his family. A couple weeks ago, James had a huge amount of pop cans to turn in and my co worker suggested he have his brother take him. Well, he came there while I was there with my client and James and his brother got the cans together. These were out on the porch. Mike had his inside the house. The brother come in the house and I watched him eyeing Mike's cans. I made a point to say to Mike, "Hey Mike, aren't those your cans there?" Mike says, "Oh yes, those are mine right there." I can just see it in his eyes. So every weekend, James spends money for these people and they come back for more. Our boss has said not to say anything because then these people won't want anything to do with James. But we know, once he's out of money, they won't want him anyway. James is already talking about living with these people, so who knows what crap they are filling his head with over there. He has started spending the night. James says he sleeps in a recliner. What's sad is James doesn't see what they are doing, all he knows is that his brother wants to see him and he is so desperate for that attention. It just burns me, watching it, but there is nothing we can do but sit and watch. Though my coworker tells me James is getting more difficult when it comes to handing over his receipts for his groceries....though this has been something he's done for years. Money is the evil source for so many things and it leaves a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And when you can't even trust your own family members...what does that say?

Case 2:

Another coworker of mine has a client named Joe. He has had many problems, as he has been court ordered to have so many hours of skills training with us. He wasn't paying his bills and giving all his money to this girl in another city around 45 minutes away. This girl has a baby and a boyfriend supposedly in prison she is waiting for. Joe received a bunch of money from Social Security as back payment...not just a piddly amount either...$10,000. Joe's sister hurried herself after Joe's last court date, to make herself in charge of this money, though our agency is now his payee. Sure she bought Joe a few things for his dumpy apartment, a new microwave, a new tv some dishes. She didn't buy him any clothes or even a winter coat that he needs. Whenever my coworker has asked Joe's sister about new clothes and using that money, she tells her to "just forget about that money. I don't want to talk about that money." Now, you know, when someone plays that avoiding game regarding money...there probably is no more. Supposedly, Joe's sister is to be held accountable for that money....but who is going to do that? What's worse is that for the last 2 weeks, Joe has been sick. He couldn't swallow and could not eat or drink, or what's worse for Joe, is he couldn't even smoke! My coworker took it upon herself to take him to the Dr. Come to find out...Joe has THRUSH. I know I've heard of this and the way my coworker was explaining it to me, I asked her, "Is it some kind of venerial disease?" She tells me there is only 2 ways to contract it....Oral Sex and she said that babies sometimes have it. EWEWEW(Yes I say ew even though as a lesbian, it's almost a job requirement). God only knows where this girlfriend of his has been...but also come to find out, the girl has it too.
Now my coworker took Joe to get this medicine, which is liquid. Joe shakes alot and she knew he was going to spill it everywhere as he would be left to self medicate. Sure enough, Joe's sister called my coworker to say that Joe had spilled the whole bottle and needed more. But this was over a week later, so Joe never got any medicine for a whole week! My coworker finally took Joe back to the dr and emphatically told them he needs a pill instead. Finally this was accomplished, but then Joe's case managerk, who is through the county tells my coworker that she's gone to far with her job and she is not is caretaker or mother and that Joe's family should have stepped up to the plate to handle this. WHAT? What do we do when that doesn't happen? Meanwhile, Joe is so destitute and needs so many things that this money could help him with...and my coworker says, "meanwhile, we are going to the salvation army to buy jeans." How appalling is that? It just burns my blood that so-called families will do anything in the name of greed when it comes to money....

Meanwhile, I try to keep faith that people are inherently good...

That's So Ghetto!

There was once a teenage girl I worked with last year that would tell me "that's so ghetto!" all the time. It just cracked me up. The language of teenagers today makes me laugh...especially girls. Last week while at work, there was a letter from a teenage girl to a boy she liked, left on the table in our office. I don't know the author or her intended recipient....whether or not they were clients or not, but it was left there on the table for some reason and all of us caseworkers got a royal kick out of it. It started, "Hey Sexy..." haven't we all started a letter like that? LOL Every other word was OMG "I can't believe that girl did that to you! OMG I'm SO not like that and would not do that to you? Like OMG I can't believe it!"

This all came home to me a few days later when I talked to Brittany. She was going to the Homecoming dance and was talking about giving last year's picture to her boyfriend's grandmother, who happens to be her boss at her job. This was the conversation:

"I was all like, I didn't give you last year's picture? And she was all like, "No, you didn't." And I was all like, "Wow, I thought I did. Do you like want one this year?" And then she was all like, "Yes I want one." And then I was all like....."

I couldn't stop laughing and then I wondered if my mother thought my language was weird. Sometimes, I can stop and really listen to people and how many times they say "Like" in a sentence or when they talk about someone else talking, they say.."and then she GOES..." It's really fascinating. I think it stems from the wonderful 80s and the valley girl movement.


And then I was all like.....WOW TOTALLY AWESOME!

Life Changes Turned Upside Down

Saturday morning I received an interesting phone call. It was from Brittany's foster mother, whom I will call S. It is rare for her to call me. I only receive these calls when Brittany is out of control. Well, guess what...it's happening now. I knew something was going on, but wasn't sure to what extent.

Ever since Brittany purchased her cell phone, I've heard from her practically every day, more than once. She text messages me like crazy. It has felt nice to hear from her so often...though it has concerned me when she messages me from school and on her work break. Brittany told me that she and S are at odds and she spends most of her time in her room, hardly talking to S. I have attempted to talk Brittany into talking with S. It has only been since S called me, that I know the true extent.

Brittany will be 18 in March and the guardianship is over. Brittany has a friend, C who is a year younger than her. Apparently, this friendship(from what S has told me) has been off and on. When C gets tired of Brittany she calls her names like "fat" and "retard" even though Brittany is neither one of those(and even if she were, this is no excuse from a so-called friend) . S told me that Brittany has come home in tears and then C ignores Brittany until she decides to bring her in again. C also gets jealous if Brittany has other friends. Brittany has recently spent alot of time with C and C's parents. C's parents have invited Brittany to come live with them when she turns 18. Though Brittany will not graduate until she is 19, she is planning this. S has told Brittany she can stay there as long as she wants, so it's not like she wouldn't have anywhere to go. S also tells me something disturbing about C's parents. Apparently, C's mother has told Brittany that Brittany is the only one of C's friends that C's father doesn't continually stare and watch every move. This left me with a creepy feeling that 1) C's mother knows this and tells Brittany and 2) That it has continued to happen with other girls. And to think my daughter wants to live there? S agreed with me when I brought this up and stated she felt the same way. Brittany has manipulated her way with S and refused to talk at all to her. When S stated she would call me, Brittany told her, "She doesn't want to talk to you, she hates you." Which is totally not true, but this is what Brittany does. As it was, S had to steal my number from Brittany's address book. S stated to me that in Brittany's mind, she and C are going to get an apartment together. C is a year younger and Brittany is living in this fantasy world. Her answer to S is "I'm an adult and I can do what I want." I was so disheartened to hear all of this. S warned me that she was going to ground her from her phone as she is on it late at night, takes it to school even when she is not supposed to and is constantly defying S. According to S, C and her mother swear at each other, there are no rules or boundaries and I am sure this looks wonderful to Brittany. The other side of this is that Brittany has emotional problems and cannot deal with life. She has cursed and thrown things and at times, hit S. I know all about this, though Brittany was much younger. S told me the next time, things got violent, she was going to call the police, have them put her in the youth home for 72 hours to give her a taste. Brittany was in the youth home when she was 12 due to her violent tendancies, that no one believed would ever happen, even when I told them exactly what would take place. So this is what has come to be.....I told S that I would try to talk to Brittany the next time she called me. She has texted me on Saturday, but I chose not to call her with the intention of talking to her. I didn't want her to feel ganged up on. I do want her to know, however, that S and I have talked and I know everything. I do not want Brittany moving in with those people and I just pray it doesn't happen. Yesterday, I did not hear from her at all....so it could be that S has taken her phone as promised. I assured S that I was in total agreement with her and she needed to follow rules and understand she is NOT an adult and must follow S's rules of the house. During the past 5 years, I have had this conversation with Brittany. So now I wait to hear from Brittany....it all just hurts my heart

The Way of the Crab(b)

This past weekend, I attended a family reunion. Since it was on my mother's side, it was a big deal. Since I have not seen my mother for almost 18 years, I felt pretty good that I was included in this party. My mother never goes to the reunion, so I was not worried she would be there. My grandmother's maiden name was CRABB. There were 6 children born into the Crabb family, my grandmother being the youngest. Now she is the only one left. She will be 88 years old in December and lives in a nursing home in Marshalltown, IA. My aunt Kay(my mother's sister) and my uncle(her husband), are so wonderful. She is the total opposite of my mother. She is a fun loving no holds barred woman...how much I love that and never fully appreciated that when I was a child growing up. My aunt and uncle live in Marshalltown and never left, so she has bared the brunt of living in the same town as my grandmother all these years. My mother left town. I am not the only one my mother has abandoned. She has done the same thing to my brother and her own family, my aunt and grandmother included. I know that she is waiting for my grandmother to die because she thinks she is getting some money. I have a feeling she will be greatly disappointed.

So, every year some member of this entourage throws the "CRABB REUNION". This time it was one my mother's cousins, Sharon...whom I didn't know or remember. These people I am sure I have not seen since I was quite young. I walked into the church where it was held and Sharon says "You're Julie, right?" I said yes, in shock. She says, "I knew it was you....dare I say, you look just like your mother." Great I thought LOL

This CRABB REUNION is a big deal....they have minutes written down and how much was raised from the sale of the CRABB FAMILY COOKBOOK and everything that went down the year before. It's very organized. The decor was CRABs everywhere and there were door prizes. I was the first one to win, so I picked out a rainbow neon colored stuffed crab LOL No one would ever know just how appropriate that was! LOL It was a nice time as I sat with my grandmother. People have laughed who have known my grandmother, when I say her maiden name was Crabb. My grandmother, a staunch German, all her life has been quite a cold woman...though she has mellowed as she's gotten older. She's told me she loves me and cries when I visit her in the nursing home. She's always been pretty bossy, it's her nature and all my life, I've been used to getting up and doing this and doing that. So I was on bathroom patrol with my grandmother. She is pretty weak and I know she can take herself to the bathroom, though it is hard for her. So when she asks me, I can't refuse. I have to laugh and wonder why I always get these jobs! Who ever thought all those years ago I would end up wiping my grandmother's end? LOL

My aunt has been interested in my writing and has wanted to read THE PURSE, or finish it. I brought it for her and gave it to her. She is going to try to finish it by Christmas as after that she and my uncle go to their house in Arizona for the winter. She wants me to get published so I can stick it to my mother, since she obviously thinks I would turn out to be no good at all. It's a good feeling to see all these other people that are a part of my family...people I've never really known. Life goes on....

1800 BUSTED

Yesterday was indeed interesting! And there is one driver that is probably pissed off right now. I am driving to Burlington IA where I work, which is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I have to drive highway 61 which runs through Fort Madison, IA. Some moron in a CAR QUEST AUTO PARTS truck cut me off, then speeding through 30 mile/hr zones, swerving in and out of traffic, no signals or anything. What's so moronic is that right on the back of his truck is a bumpersticker that gives an 800 number and asks the loaded question: "HOW'S MY DRIVING?" and lists the truck number. Oooooh this is just giving me too many options to resist. So I finally catch up to him and right the number on my hand and for the first time, call this 800 #. I talk to the woman, tell her the truck number and she told me that she would give a call to the manager of the store and took my name and number. Maybe an hour later, the manager called me asking for the specifics. I tell him and then say, "I feel that someone in a company car should be a little more responsible." He tells me, "We just wanted all of the specifics before we talk to him." I wish more people had HOW'S MY DRIVING? on the back.

Have a safe and happy day!

Writing

What a weekend. It was wonderful having a 3 day weekend. I've spent much of my working life working every holiday and most weekends. It's the nature of what I do. This is the first job in awhile I've worked M-F and had holidays off. How I love it! The pay is crap, like most rewarding jobs...that's why you really have to love it. Uhh I digress....

So this weekend, I FINALLY started writing again. This time I am writing the story of Brittany and how it all came to be. I've decided to leave out my being gay, because if it is ever published, I do not want that to be the focus and I know damn well it would be. I've finally got the bug again...

I am still trying, though I've put it on the back burner for now, to get my other book published. For future reference, it is called THE PURSE....here is a synopsis:

Lydia Blackwell is a 38 year old therapist and lesbian. Raised in a mansion outside of Chicago by a her father, William, a prominent stock broker and businessman, a hispanic housekeeper/nanny and a butler. Lydia's mother died in a fiery car crash when Lydia was 3 years old. As the story opens, Lydia rushes to her father's bedside. It was only a matter of time before the cancer took over. He apologizes for not being the father he should have been. Even though Lydia has kept her sexuality hidden from her father, he tells her, "...never be ashamed of who you are or even....who it is you love." Then suddenly, William Blackwell tells her "...your mother, she's alive." and then Lydia's father is gone forever. Lydia dismisses this confession as a man delirious with disease until she overhears the housekeeper and butler, who are her surrogate parents, talking about the big secret. At her father's funeral, Lydia meets a man who, through some prodding from Lydia, admits that he and William were lovers for many years. The man gives Lydia a stunning silver beaded purse. Little does Lydia know, there are people after this trinket, including a mob family, who are more connected to Lydia than she knows. Once Lydia finds her mother, a whole other world opens up...long held secrets her mother thought were long ago buried rise again. Suddenly, Lydia's whole world is turned upside down after she realizes the people she'd trusted her entire life have let her down. No one is who they seem and THE PURSE holds answers and even more questions.

Of course, there is more to this story. It took me 4 years to write this book. Life happens but it was during the writing of this book that I realized what I want to do with my life. It's funny how I got this idea too. My ex gf in Wyoming, D, I shall call her...brought out this slinky purse, kind of 20s style...I'm sure an antique. She told me her grandmother found it in a drawer and threw it at her saying, "I don't know where this came from...your drunken grandfather probably won it in a poker game for all I know." It had a family crest embedded on it. I started thinking then...wouldn't it be a story for this purse to be passed on from person to person. Lordy, everything's a story to me! Then I thought about D. Her mother died when she was 3, of diabetes. The woman was only 26 years old. But in my twisted mind, I thought, "Wouldn't it be crazy if they just told her that her mother died and she's really walking around somewhere?"
That's where the story started and it evolved into something I never expected or planned on.

I've read the book to Cindy and she read some too....but she's not a reader and doesn't care that much for fiction. But as she was reading it, she got involved with the characters. There were a couple of people I worked with in Wyoming that read it and couldn't believe I wrote it HAHA
There was a publisher interested out of Denver...but they changed owners and it fell through the cracks. But one of these days....it will be out there.

But the story on Brittany is non-fiction, so I think more than anything, it will be the one. And it's a story I want to share. Everytime I tell it, people can't believe it really happened and what both Brittany and I went through.

What can I say....I am an incurable dreamer....

Just A Little Something

Brittany called me from her new cellphone that she purchased herself with her first paycheck from her first job. She is having the time of her life having this job. She sounds so grownup and she has surprised me, for sure. She has learned to text LOL and she has been texting me quite alot, calling me more often.

She also told me she is moving in with her best friend and her parents after she turns 18 which is in March of next year. I am not sure what I think about it, but apparently her foster mom is mad at her for that decision, even though she'd told her "it's your decision". Brittany told me, "I've had enough." But there is 8-9 kids in that house all the time and I know she is expected to babysit and do things that really the foster mom should be doing. It's the way they make money. If that's what I had to do to make money.....uhhh, I'd be happy to be poor LOL

But I can be very very grateful that Brittany and I are still close after everything that has happened. So I sit back and watch. Knowing she will be 18 is so crazy for me. She hasn't had the easiest life and who knows what's around the corner. She's working in fast food which is something I just cannot do....it's not the easy job people assume it is. So I applaud her and am so very proud of her...YOU GO GIRL! LOL

Warm Fuzzies

It was a good couple of days. I took part of Thursday and all of Friday off, since Cindy and I were SUPPOSED to go to the Dixie Chicks on Thursday originally, but since they cancelled, I decided to make a trip out of it anyway and go see my grandmothers that live in Marshalltown, IA...one in a nursing home there and one in assisted living there. Cindy and I also wanted to get away, so we went to Ames, IA Thursday night, where I graduated from College, Iowa State University. I wanted to show her around. I took her out to eat at my favorite BBQ place and she was in heaven. We relaxed at the hotel...where by the way, due to AAA, Cindy got a discount for the room, that we discovered was normally $135/night for $77! I just can't imagine paying that much....it's insane, but it's probably even more once the football season comes along. Friday morning we went for breakfast and I drove her around the city, then we went to Marshalltown to see my grandma June, who is my mother's mother. My mother, whom I have not seen in over 17 years, or talked to even...if you've read previous posts. My mother has baffled everyone in her family. No one understands why she has cut everyone off from her world. So, at least I know now, I am not the only one. But even her own mother, she barely comes to visit. I know it's because she thinks she is getting money, but she is not. But my grandma June is a cold German....or she used to be while I was growing up and I suppose during my mother's childhood. I am guessing she holds my grandmother responsible for her perceived awful childhood. True, my grandmother has never been overly affectionate, although I can honestly say she has mellowed as she's gotten older. Obviously, I cannot say this for my mother. My mother always told me, "I don't ever want to be like my mother." She's 100 times worse. Anyway, Cindy bought some beautiful Begonias for both my grandmothers. So we went to see Grandma June and stayed chatting for 3 hours. I believe she liked Cindy and enjoyed our conversations. I was so proud watching her sit there and engage in conversations with my Grandma June....she just wins over anyone. Grandma told me that my Aunt(my mother's sister) and uncle were at their house having a yard sale and I should stop by and see her. So we did. I love my aunt....she's always been a wild sort. She would buy me birthday and christmas presents to piss off my mother...POGO sticks, Unicycle, skateboards LOL And then at my high school graduation, she sat in the audience wearing a LAS VEGAS visor that lit up like a neon sign! LOL My aunt is very interested in my writing and has encouraged me to keep trying to get it published. She has started reading my novel but had to quit due to her leaving town, but wants to finish. When I told her it had gay characters in it, she says "I don't care! I love books like that!" Well Cindy and I showed up and I introduced her to my aunt and uncle and we talked and talked. My aunt even gave Cindy a hug when we left! It makes me feel so wonderful....it's beyond words. Cindy has met my other grandmother, Millie, before as she is the one I lived with and took care of. And she really likes her and always thanks her for taking care of me! It was such a good couple of days, it just makes me smile.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it all falls into place.

A Day in the Life

Yesterday was another good day at work. Half the time, it doesn't even seem like work. I've worked with developmentally disabled since 1995 and wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. They make me laugh and forget about whatever issues that plague my mind. So, yesterday I was with Dean, whom I walk at the mall with every Tuesday and Thursday. He is the most high functioning of anyone I have, I think. He makes me laugh so much because of his sarcastic wit and humor. He's talked about politics, the war and other things that are unbelievable. Last Thursday was his birthday, though I did not know it until he got into my car and said, "It's my birthday today, what are you going to do for me?" He's very proud and never lets me buy his drink when we get finished walking. He says, "I think I'm in the mood for steak and lobster." LOL I tell him, "I think you forget where I work!" When I take him to the mall, I drop him off and then go park, while he starts walking. So while he was walking, I snuck into the hallmark store and got him a card and some candy that he likes. For all the kidding, he wasn't expecting me to do that and was very appreciative. I told him I had to sneak around because that was the only way!

Well, yesterday, I went to pick him up and his mom comes out to say, "That sure was a cute card you got for him. You seem to know him so well!" So then yesterday while we were walking he says, "are you up to having a frosty(at Wendy's) today, it's on me." He wanted to buy me a frosty for being so nice and getting him the card. I was so touched by the whole thing. Then when we got back to his house, his mom came out with a big sack of tomatoes and a cucumber for me. It just goes to show there are good people and it makes it all worthwhile to see it happen.

I told Dean yesterday that on Thursday I was going out of town, but he was the only client I was working with, as I had cancelled everyone else. He says, "You just couldn't stand being away from me, could you?" bahahaha I said, "No, I need your daily dose of sarcastic comments to get me through!" He told me, "Well if it's lip you want, I can give you lots of that!"

That's why I have such a good time!

The Other BOY

Here is the infamous cat CHECKERS. He is 9 I think and Siamese. He is all fluff and has his own personality. I guess there isn't a cat anywhere that doesn't. He loves being a lap kitty, but on his own terms. LOL

One of THE BOYS

Finally! I got this thing to work. YAY! This is Cody, the dog. How I love this picture as he looks like he is posing for vogue or something! He is the most gentlest dog I've ever seen. He has no behavioral problems, though he begs for food, but what dog doesn't. He's not crazy about men..wouldn't you know he belongs to a lesbian? Cindy's ex brought him home when he was a puppy and he barely survived, as he wouldn't eat and was in danger of Cindy taking him back, but then at the last minute he started eating. He's now 10 years old and adorable.

KMART and Their Brand of Retail

Well, since my pictures won't post of "the boys" mainly, Cody the dog and Checkers the cat, for some unknown reason...I will tell the tale of my recent KMART experience. Now, I do not like KMART and have had several unpleasant experiences there with rude staff and stupid happenings, but this shows how fighting back can help.

August 4th, 2006, I took one of my clients to KMART. She is quiet and shy and also fun to be around. She saw it advertised that notebooks were on sale for .39 there. So we go to KMART and she picks out 4 notebooks. We get to the checkout and they ring up at $1.59. I tell the cashier myself that they are supposed to be .39. The girl leaves us, goes back to check, then on her way back, walks right past us to the customer service desk, I am sure to ask what she should charge. The notebooks my client picked out were stocked in the wrong place. I asked the cashier, "Did you see they were stocked wrong?" She says "Yes." But still charged the $1.59 and my client still wanted them. I was so angry with the whole scene that I wrote an email to the KMART Corporation explaining this situation and how wrong it was to charge someone for their employees mistake. They, in turn, forwarded the email to the manager of the store. I soon received an email back stating that I was right and my client should not have been charged for their mistake in stocking and we could arrange to come in and get the notebooks for .39. So, I feel pretty good and vindicated. Mostly, for my client, because most often, they have no one to advocate for them. I would fight long and hard for my clients, any clients I've ever worked with, as they have enough things against them just to survive in this world and if I can help to stop someone taking advantage of them, I will...it is part of what I do. So, I guess I have to give credit to the store manager for stepping up to the plate and righting this wrong. She called me yesterday and said she would inform everyone that was working that we were coming in. Just let them try to mess with me! HAHA!

Don't get me started on THE DIXIE CHICKS canceling their concert! GRRRRRR

The Men in Our Lives Are Animals....

These are the men in our lives. Cody, is part Spitz and part Collie and the most gentlest dog I've ever come across. Of course, he is spoiled but aren't they all?

The cat is Checkers....a siamese with the CAT attitude. Of course, he thinks he is the only one. He loves to be outside but will jump the fence when you are not looking. He has taken over both of my chairs and races into them if he thinks I am headed there.

I loved finding someone that had animals. I've had lots of them and things changed in my life so much that I had to find homes for them. It's a wonderful life with Cindy and the boys.....wouldn't change a thing.

Sunday Offering and Sudden Rants

This is partly a rant and part realization of decisions I've made in the past. Brittany called me the other night, something like 6 times in 10 minutes on my cellphone, though for some reason I did not hear it. She leaves me a message to call her, I thought, after 2pm. As it was 9:30 her time once I figured it out, I decided not to call. I've had an issue with the foster family as when I've called, basically every time I call her and someone else answers, I get nothing but the third degree and attitude from the foster mom or the dad. Now the dad doesn't do much except bring home the bacon. These people are older and I imagine he will be retiring soon. I am so tired of getting the run around and then hearing the snotty attitude. Who knows what kind of comments they are giving Brittany. Otherwise I wouldn't care. I will never trust these people because they've lied to me before and most often they don't even tell Brittany I've called. Then, of course, she thinks I don't call. So, I finally get a chance to call Brittany after work on Friday...I imagine it was after 3pm her time. The dad answers and when I ask for Brittany, he hollers, "Who?" I say, "Brittany." He says, "No, she's not here. She's at work." I ask if he knows when she will return, he says, "No," quite sternly. My stepmother has even told me that when she's called, she gets the runaround and they are nasty, giving her the third degree also.

I suppose they are like many people who think it was easy for me to give Brittany up and I've had this free life ever since. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wrestle with decisions I've made and no matter how awful I am treated, I have to believe it's the best life for her. I know in my heart they treat me this way because I am gay and they know it. At least it is partly. I've done what I needed to do for myself and especially for Brittany. So, in essence, I've decided to let Brittany call me from now on and plan on telling her so. Her life is getting busier now than ever before due to her job. Since I love writing, that is what I will do now. It is so hard realizing she's all grown up and I have to let her do her thing...and also that I've missed the past 5 years...though they have been traumatic for me also, in the things she's done and said. Life goes on and I will believe things turn out the way they are meant to...

That's my Sunday offering.....

Another Side of Intolerance

Although I really detest the word intolerance/tolerant, I suppose it is the only thing I can come up with right now. There are reasons why I hate it, along with the word retard. I come across this word all too often when I talk to supposedly human beings, about the work I do. It hasn't happened for awhile, but when it does, I can feel myself coming unglued. Just like those of us who are fabulously fabulous...others come across this abhorrant behavior by those who believe they have the power to judge and look down upon others less fortunate or different. Following is a story that happened to me that I will never forget...

Back in 2004, I was living in Cheyenne, Wyoming, working for an agency that worked with developmentally disabled adults...group homes and day habilitation services. I originally began working in the group home, but then was asked to work in the main building and help with clients' appointments. I worked closely with one of the nurses that was assigned to one of the group homes, where I used to work. This particular day, the nurse Christine and I were taking Chris(the client) to the dermatologist. Chris was afflicted with Down's Syndrome and was non-verbal. He was all excited when I picked him up in my new car I'd just gotten. So I arrived with Chris to the appointment, meeting the nurse there. We were going there due to a condition Chris had on his toenails. We always had to apply this solution to his toenails, I believe to lessen them, so he could walk better. Now, this solution had eaten away at his nails and now he basically had no toenails left. I sat next to Chris in the exam room while the nurse was there. The doctor comes in and after he looks at Chris's toenails, he begins to talk over Chris's head at me, and at the nurse. He says, "Well, I would agree, that if Chris were another type of person, we would discontinue the solution, but since he's who he is, it really doesn't matter if he has toenails or not. He's not going to be hanging out at the beach."

Are you kidding me? I couldn't be really hearing this right. Chris knew what was going on and the dr's tone, because then he started hitting himself in the face, like he always did when he was upset. I felt like hitting the dr. To say I was angry, was the understatement of the century. I took Chris to day hab and went to talk later with Christine, the nurse. She did not understand why I was so upset with the Dr. She stated from a medical standpoint, she understood, as not having the toenails would make it easier for Chris to walk. She didn't think anything of it because of being a nurse and thinking in medical terms. I suppose this is why the dr didn't seem to care how he talked to him. Or in my mind, he was just an asshole.

I went back to my supervisor and told her how upset I was about this and what had happened. She appeared to agree with me, and she talked to some other people, but what can you do? You can't talk people out of being assholes...we all know it.

I work with this everyday and if anyone ever understood how perceptive these people are, how intelligent, no matter what their disorder...they would see so much. People always tell me how patient I am to work with these people...I lose my patience dealing with so-called regular people who are less intelligent than the people I work with.

So, if you are ever one of those people trying to take advantage or attempt to be inhuman to one of my people...all I can say is God Help You and even HE knows you are being bad....

That's my rant for today, you may go back to what you were doing now. Thankyouverymuch

Tell Me Again...Why Are We Friends?

I've had a recent pondering of people that have remained in my life and why. I have a "friend" whom I'll call Annie. I've known her since I was 12. We met in junior high school, I believe it was art class. Her mother is one of my closest friends/mother figures still to this day(who, as it turns out, is one of the "family"). The family took me in, there were 4 other kids besides Annie. During the time we were growing up, I would take refuge in being with that family when things with my mother were a bit crazy. I did notice, however, at Annie's treatment of her mother. She was spoiled and only ever thought of herself and her needs and wants...mostly wants. She usually got her way and she talked to her parents any way she chose. I found this upsetting, to say the least. I knew enough never to talk to my mother that way.

Annie and I always hung out together during high school and our adult life afterwards. If any two people were total opposites, it was us. Annie had a strange personality and many times, she was so damn moody, no one understood why. She never really had a steady boyfriend until she was probably almost 30 and she was a virgin. The man she met had 2 kids, was divorced. They are still together today, but have never married. I wrote about the kids in an earlier blog entry(May archive, "The Mouths of Children Today"). So the first man she ever had sex with has been with her all this time. That is not to say, it has not been close to being over, that's for sure. He is wonderful, though I am not sure what he has seen in her all these years, but for some couples, it's just a mystery what keeps them going.

I called her the other day and she tells me about the oldest boy, James, who is in college and home for the weekend. James's girlfriend comes over, eats their food and hangs out with him, along with Annie's nephew. They play video games and leave a mess for her to clean up...fast food sacks, garbage lying around. Yet she picks it up. They do this while she is at work. I told her there is no way I would tolerate that. She said that D(the bf) had attempted to talk to the boy the night before about his asshole like behavior, yelling at people, doing whatever he pleased, but he didn't seem to care. This is the world they have created by being so lenient. She tells me that D doesn't want to say too much to him for fear of isolating him and the boy getting pissed off and hating him.

WHAT?

Now I see how much alike they really are. Annie has never had kids of her own. They've given things to those kids they should have never had, instead of paying bills and they have walked all over them. Yet they were the first ones to tell me how wrong I was doing the things I did for Brittany, giving her up, putting her on medication. Aren't people hilarious when they are so hypocritical?

After this conversation, I sat wondering why I was friends with Annie. Annie and I didn't talk for many years...6 0r 7 and who knows why. I heard she was mad at me because I had man-bashed and it offended her. For some reason, I worked hard in the past couple of years to mend this relationship. I am not sure why, other than we have a history. We had fun together and we still do and I do enjoy her and D's company when I go see them. Now that I am only a couple hours away, it is nice having people to go see. But I am so disgusted by the way they live their lives, it makes it difficult. They want to meet Cindy, but I am afraid she would be as appalled as I am LOL When I saw them again, I wanted to do something to help them, so I gave them $500 and it was the worst mistake ever. It wasn't a loan, as I had the money at that time. They didn't use it wisely, let the kids go shopping. I was upset, but there is nothing I could say. But I learned a valuable lesson, that's for sure.

I suppose there are always people that are our friends growing up and even into adulthood that we always sit and wonder why they are in our lives. I enjoy the fact that Annie and I have such a long history, but I am not sure there is much else that bonds us. Even her bf told me years ago(I used to work for him) how much different Annie and I were. He always told me it was a waste that I was gay. LOL I told him, "Oh, it's never wasted, believe me!"

Full Circle

I received a call from Brittany last night and it was indeed a strange one. Brittany told me she'd gotten her first job! Oh I was very excited for her. It is at a TACO JOHN'S in Green River, WY. She is so excited as she should be. I had sent her the birth certificate she'd asked for. Her first question was, "Mom, what's up with the birth certificate?" I asked her what she meant. She told me her name wasn't even on it. I hadn't even looked that closely, but when I found the copy I'd made, I saw she was right. The last name was on there, but nothing else. I knew this was because of the sequence of events leading to and then after her birth. I've told Brittany the whole "adoption" story, (Blog entry) when she was young...all about my family and the decision I made. I had kept telling her every now and then, but apparently, she remembered none of it. Oh how dreadful it was telling her again as I explained why the birth certificate was the way it was. I think for a minute, she thought I was adopted. I did not know how to react as she said she didn't remember me telling her. I also told her it was not something to be upset over because I made that decision to not follow through with the adoption.

I have begun writing the book about this whole experience and now I know it is a good thing. Brittany seems so grownup and I hope I am wrong about how things will be for her in the job world. I've missed 5 years of her growing up and now here she is, planning her future. Seems so odd. Brittany tells me, "It happens, kids grow up." HAHA Ain't that the truth.

Yah, I Live in a Barn....

This here is the shed Cindy bought for the back yard. It is the biggest shed I've ever seen. I knew it was big, but it's HOUSE big! It was built by some menonite people and it's good and solid on the inside...it even has a loft on both sides and comes with a ladder, made out of solid wood. I saw it for sale on the highway it yah it looked big, but once it was here, I figured it could be seen from space. The house is so small, there is no room for things and especially since I've been here, I have crap everywhere! Now we can organize said crap and I fully expect Cindy to draw a map to show where things should go! But I love that about her...and it gives me good material to tease her with. Guess that's why we fit well together. That's my girl!

Road Rage and a Story to Change Your Way of Thinking...

This morning as I am getting ready to drive the 40+ miles it takes me to get to work, I am reminded of the awful ways of drivers today. I drove 2 hours to see my father over the weekend and every time I am driving I get so angry at people. I understand road rage...and I am in Iowa for God's sake, not New York or California. No way could I handle that...I've driven in Denver and that's so bad...even Des Moines gets me sweaty. But I digress....I was driving to see my father in Illinois. It's amazing to see the people with no seatbelts on, no one goes the speed limit and if you do, they are right on your ass, getting pissed because you are. No one ever gets caught. Some people do, but not while I am driving, for sure. The other thing that is my ULTIMATE pet peeve is that no one uses a turn signal. Apparently, it is a lost skill. People obviously believe we are all schooled in knowing how to read minds. Don't get me started on people using their cell phones....I cannot say too much about that, though I would like to....I do it myself, though I have a headset I use. It's interesting to me how unfocused people are. I am not a perfect driver...how can you be? But, I always use my turn signal, don't cut people off or pull out in front of people. I am one of those annoying people who patiently wait until it is safe to turn. People actually honk their horns if you don't turn when they feel you should. What is up with that? If you want to kill yourself, fine...do it on your own time.

I had to take a driving test when I started this job as it required me to accquire a chauffeur's license. It was amazing the habits one gets into, even the safe driver I attain to be. I had an accident a week before Christmas with my car and though it was due to the weather, I still got a ticket. I had not gotten a ticket in over 20 years. It has made me more cautious to know and be aware of my surroundings. So, be safe and be smart...especially if it's me behind you.

STORY:
A client I have, Dean, is 47 years old. When I first met he and his parents, an old farm couple, they told me about their grandchild who was 9 months old, killed in a car accident some 30 years before. I think of this every single day, while I am driving. It was told to me that their daughter and grandson were in the car driving on this certain highway that I now drive twice a week to go pick up Dean. This highway has 2 directions, going and coming and it is fairly narrow. A semi truck driver coming from the other direction made the fateful decision to pass the car in front of him. Suddenly, he did not have enough time to pass and he hit Dean's sister's car head on, killing the baby but the mother made it through. Every time I think about passing someone on a two lane highway, or anywhere for that matter, this occurs to me. I usually decide better of it. One decision can affect so many people without you even knowing it.

That is why I try to be safe and why I get so annoyed. So many young people who think they know what they are doing by speeding and driving recklessly. Motorcycles too....ugh don't get me started on that.

Happy driving!

The Tail Fairy

Once many moons ago, I was with a ....well, technically, she was a woman! This goes back to a previous blog entry on "Spiderwoman". But this one involves Brittany, my now 17 year old daughter. Spiderwoman was quite the butch thing...short and stocky with black hair, hair which happened to be styled in a crew cut and a tail in the back. Brittany was 8 years old when we went to live with Spiderwoman. Maybe a month after we were there, Spiderwoman talked Brittany into wanting a hairstyle like hers. I was dead set against it and said no. Once while I was grocery shoppinig, Spiderwoman said, "I'll take Brittany and get her hair cut while you are shopping." I told her once again, "Okay but no crew cut or tail or both...just a regular cut." Well, when I came back, I was horrified...she'd done it. My daughter now had a crew cut and a tail. Plus I was so pissed...beyond belief. This was in 1998 when people had tails, and I've never liked it. If you want that, it's okay, you are an adult, not 8 years old.

Anyway, the inevitable happened, and about 2 months later, I left said Spiderwoman. But Brittany still had the haircut. No matter what I tried to say to her, she would not let me take her for another style. If only I could get the tail off, then at least she would just have the cut on top and it would grow out. Being a writer and always having things in my twisted mind, I came up with this story. Also, due to Brittany's disabilities and her, by nature, gullibility, I thought I could play on it. I asked Brittany this:

"Have you ever heard of the TAIL FAIRY?"

Brittany: "No mommy, I haven't. What about the TAIL FAIRY?"

"Well, the TAIL FAIRY is someone who goes around collecting children's tails from their hair, alllll over the world, paying them money for each one, sort of like the TOOTH FAIRY....only with tails. And then, you know what the TAIL FAIRY does with all those tails?"

Brittany: "No, what?"

"When the TAIL FAIRY gathers all of the tails together, she weaves them into wigs for sick children everywhere who don't have any hair."

Brittany: "Really mommy? WOW!"

"It's true...but you know, not everyone knows about the TAIL FAIRY, so don't talk about it, okay?"

Brittany: "Okay mommy. Can the TAIL FAIRY have my tail?"

"Sure! I bet she will even bring you some money for it!"

So then we cut off the tail and put it under her pillow and the TAIL FAIRY magically left $2 under her pillow. Then I heard Brittany ask my father, "Grandpa, do you know about the TAIL FAIRY?"

My dad looks at me and I smile, then he says, "No, I don't."

Brittany smiles and says, "Oh okay, Grandpa."

This story has just occurred to me when recently thinking about Brittany's childhood, as she's just called me to tell me she is looking for her first real job and learning how to drive. I loved her innocent nature...thank goodness she had it and hopefully still does.

Things I Hate but cry for...

Well, July 15th was one of the HOTTEST days around here there has been. So...what should we do? Oh yes....let's go to a wedding! And just to make it more uncomfortable, let's have it OUTSIDE! WOOHOOO! I am so grateful it is all over. This was the wedding of Cindy's exgf's daughter. Lord how I despised going to this wedding. It's hard when you don't agree with the actual guy the woman is marrying. Why don't they just live in sin like the rest of us? Once and awhile, he likes to drink, carry on and bust things up, like their apartment. They both have tempers...but let's make it legal. Poor Cindy has dealt with the girl and her mother(her ex) for many years, since the girl was 15 and she is now 23 or so. They all love each other, but I don't think the girl and her mother realize how much they take advantage of my girl. She's so pure at heart, she loves most everyone(except her brother-in-law).

Cindy was delegated to take pictures at the wedding as she is into photography and of course no one has the money for a professional picture taker. Hmmmm. So Cindy asked if I would help her that day. As much as I loathe weddings, I agreed for my girl. This being said, I have to admit, the ceremony was nice, the music was nice and damn if I didn't end up even crying. Many of the lesbians from the girl party were there, including the butch girl with her "wife" and "sister-in-law" who is also a lesbian. I had to wave at the butch girl like we were best buds. For some reason, I really like her....I think it's her outright boldness that I cannot afford to have. I respect and admire it.

So Cindy is taking pictures of people who do NOT want to have their pictures taken. Cindy said she would never want to be a professional for this reason, but by God, was she ever good at getting people together, standing where they should be and calling the shots. I was so proud of her. Once we got to the reception, no one cared about anything but drinking. Cindy worked on what was happening and when this was going to happen and that was going to happen. She got people together, took family pictures, barely had time to eat anything...no one could have been more professional. She held it together...until the kids came along! Of course, no parent was watching the kids running back and forth in front of the camera or popping balloons. The final time the kids ran in front of my girl....was indeed the final time as she exploded, "You kids go over there and SIT DOWN!" I had to laugh to myself, because anyone that knows Cindy, knows how calm and good natured she is...you hardly ever see her mad, but when she is, watch out! I do believe that is the first time I've ever seen her mad in over a year and a half together. Living with me, the woman has to have a shitload of tolerance and patience!

When the bride and groom danced, I saw Cindy's ex(the mother) crying and I lost it then, as I kept thinking that one day, maybe it would be Brittany's wedding and Lord knows how or even IF I could hold it together that long. I am the most horrible person at these events. I turn into a wallflower. Plus I was busy trying to pull myself together. Once I start with the leaky faucets(as my dad would say) I cannot stop easily. I didn't want to eat or really talk to anyone. Who knows why I am that way. Oh I talked to a few people but of course, I didn't know many of them. God I couldn't wait to get home. Once we were at home, Cindy hugged me and said, "We don't need any of that to know how we feel." AMEN I do think, however, that there should be marriage for everyone, everywhere, regardless, and it shouldn't be a legal question AT ALL. It should just be. End of story.

Another thing I hate(but don't cry over) is selfish greedy people....especially in young people. The way this whole thing is going to work with the pictures is... Cindy has to take them in and get them developed, paying for them outright, then her ex will make her payments. 2 days after the wedding, the bride calls and I answer, the first thing she says, "ARE THE PICTURES DONE YET?" I thought " you little bitch...you aren't even paying for them." YAh I wasn't too please at how rude she was. This has been Cindy's life with these people. There isn't much that makes me more angry than ungrateful people.

See if I go to her divorce party!

Nothing Wrong With Him

This may look odd, but it's the most fascinating thing I've seen in awhile. This contraption was built by one of my clients, Harold. Every time I go to his apartment, I make it a point to use the bathroom just to stare at it! Yes, I am strange. Harold built this out of a floor lamp, put string through it and there it is. He wanted it so he could put 3 rolls on at once. The strings are put through small key rings to be able to replace the new with the old. This man is considered slow and technically is developmentally disabled, but what I find fascinating is that he is always thinking of better more convenient ways of doing things. He rigs things to make life a little easier for himself. This is why I love what I do...these people have so much to offer if we could all take the time to see it. In my 10+ years of doing this, they've taught me more than I could have taught them. What a joy.

The Girl Party

Well, the party is over. The infamous girl party. This is only my 2nd year of attending, but I love seeing my "peeps". It makes me laugh seeing all of the lesbians...from all walks of life. I made a point of watching them, most often they were the butches. They played bocce ball on the lawn while a few of us cheered them on, making rude comments, like "THAT SUCKED" or "NICE BALLS!" The butchest woman there called her gf "wife" and her gf's sister, sister-in-law....which I find oddly liberating, but then I just can't do it myself. I will always refer to Cindy as my gf, and I have no interest whatsoever in getting "married" or having a ceremony. This butch woman makes me smile because she talked about her job, which is delivering packages for some delivery company like UPS. She talked about training some guy that was having issues with other drivers and she flat out told him, "Don't know if you have a problem with this, but I'm the biggest dyke you're ever gonna meet." The guy preceeded to tell her that at his last job, he'd met a wonderful woman who was a lesbian and he'd had the best time working with her. After describing her, the butch woman pulls out a picture of her "sister-in-law" and turns out it was her. It would be nice to be that bold....I've told people in past jobs and only once did I have any problems.
My cheesecake was a hit and so was Cindy's dessert ...as always, I love her dessert! Uhhh just not this one, because it had marshmallows in it. There's something about squishy things I can't deal with.
But how I love this party and all it represents....can't wait for next year!

AWWOL(Absolutely Wonderful World of Lesbians)

Or "Living Life In The Pack"

I think about this today as the 4th of July nears. I am now a small part of this infamous pack of Lesbians. Up until now, I've lived my life as a lesbian in low profile. Being in the midwest, and not in New York City or Houston...you just don't see the nightclubs or fast lesbian nightlife. How I've always wanted to play a part....have a bunch of lesbian friends I hang with. As I recall, there was another time I was in a small pack. In Davenport, Iowa....the Quad Cities, as it's known. It was my first introduction to "the pack". It was amazing to me to see it....a group of lesbians, all friends, but also, all had at one time, dated each other. Of course, these people were into drugs, many of them....and that's just not my thing. There was a really butch girl, Donita, who was interested in me...but I was not interested. She was trashy and smelled bad...as trash does. I, of course, liked a girl named Sonja...who played softball. How I adored her. She was short, had short hair, was in between being butch and just a little spark of being "girly". But she was with another girl, who was totally wrong for her...hit her and treated her like crap. But it never was to be, they always like the bad girls.

Since I've met Cindy, I've realized she is a small part of a lesbian pack. Her ex gf is a big part of the pack. Cindy's ex and her are really good friends still, which is a rare thing. Well, since I am not a part of the pack originally, I was new and fresh meat last year. One of the couples in the pack throw a 4th of July party at their house in the country. Interestingly enough, one woman of said couple does it to celebrate and ex gf's birthday...who happens to be Cindy's ex's sister. So last year, I made a couple of cheesecakes(the real kind) and went along as Cindy's gf to this gathering lesbianville. Oh my God! I have never seen that many lesbians in one area. It was culture shock for me. The big joke is there are so many of them named Julie....and here I am, another one. I felt like playing "Romper Room", "I see that butch girl and that femme girl, oh and I see another butch girl, and another..." It was a smorgasboard of girls who like flannel and tools. I have to say to my girl's credit, she's never been an active part of the pack...she has not dated anyone in the pack, except for her ex. Her ex, however....she's a whole pack in herself! But she is a great person and I love her for being herself. I remember a conversation with one of the butch girls...there was probably 5 or 6 of us standing around. Butch girl is talking about her exhusband, how he cheated on her, trying to take her money or kids or something(I tuned out), then Cindy's ex talked about her exhusband and what a creep his is(and he is)....I chimed in to say...."Well, I was never married, I was just...slutty." Butch girl choked on her drink and Cindy's ex gave me a hug. Aren't I the life of the party?

The part went on forever...many of us were out in the yard playing croquet. It was hilarious watching the drunk girls trying to play. Another girl stumbles onto the playing field with her drink...."Is it my turn? I had to go get some more TEKAYLA.." she says drunkenly. I thought we would all die laughing....

I've seen butch girl over at cindy's ex's house....back in January for a superbowl party. She says to me, "What? No cheesecake today?" Guess there are worse things I could be known for!
So, the party is coming up...the weekend after the 4th, and I've been asked to make the cheesecake again. I look forward to see the vast array of women who love women....once again, I find myself a small part of THE PACK.

Except I'm only ever with THE ONE. That makes it all worthwhile.

Fathers

Well, yesterday being father's day and all...I decided to go see my father and stepmother and take Cindy along with me, as they had not even met her yet. I was not sure how this was going to go, but knowing my father, he would not say a word on the nature of our relationship, though I know he has pretty much accepted who I am. He's never met any woman I've been with and now I am grateful( remembering the women from my past).

My father lives 2 1/2 hours away from here, so we went to their house, went to a parade and craft show and my dad and stepmom took us out for pizza, then went back to their house for pie and ice cream. We ended up staying til after 8pm. Cindy and my stepmom bonded over their bouts with domestic abuse from their exhusbands and just talked about everything. It was amazing and I really feel they liked her and accepted her. It was great. My stepmother even gave us food to take home from the freezer! Considering just last year, my father wasn't really speaking to me after the crazy family scandal about my grandmother(previous blog entry).

Of course, I have not been the ideal daughter....but then, he has not been the ideal father, either, but most often, I believe there is just something about fathers and daughters and mothers and sons...though my mother is the exception to that rule. But for some reason, I've always been close to my father no matter what. He's been more of a father to me since I've been an adult. My parents were divorced when I was almost 8 years old and my brother was 4. We saw my father occasionally, when he lived in the same town it was every other Sunday. My mother hated it when I would always want to see my dad and did her best to dissuade me from being close to him, by telling me all sorts of things for many years..how he never wanted us and never liked dealing with being a parent, etc. So, after years of this, when I was in high school, I wrote him a nasty letter saying he was no kind of father. He called me and we talked for over an hour. He admitted he made many mistakes by not taking more time with us over the years, but that he loved us and always wanted to do the right thing. It was an amazing feat for him, because he just is not a talker about serious subjects. He didn't talk much to me either when I became pregnant and then ended up keeping my daughter, but he grew to love my daughter and loves being grandpa.I'm sure when I wrote him that letter coming out to him about 11 years ago(though I'd been out to myself for 2 years already), it couldn't have been easy. He's never mentioned my being gay....but I don't flaunt things in front of him or talk about it excessively. There's no point to make it the center of conversation. But last night, being there, in their house with my girlfriend sitting there at the table involved in extensive conversations on varying subjects was a wonderful thing.

The Way The Dixie's Do It

Going along with my rant and ramblings about all things so-called AMERICAN...I love country music, it's what I was brought up with. By country music, I mean authentic country, not the BS that is no different than what I've seen on Mtv or now VH1. There is the notion that country music lovers are so wholesome and not as bigoted as much of the world. In some ways, they are worse because they live under this magical pretense.

I have loved the Dixie Chicks from the beginning and my daughter loves them, even more. When things happened 2 years ago and the lead singer Natalie Maines made her comment about "being ashamed" of the President(I can't bring myself to type his name on my blog)...I applauded her, not even because I agreed with her, but for her right to say it. I especially loved it when she fought back and stood her ground, sporting that infamous T-shirt telling a certain so-called country singer, F-U-T-K. I guess fans are fickle....especially country, no matter how they say how loyal they are. What a load of crap. Even country radio banned them and had one of those cd bashing sessions, just like when disco was suddenly uncool. How awful is it that someone cannot speak their mind and people respond like that. Supposedly, Americans are "free" to say whatever they will. Now to hear there were death threats...are you kidding me? It's kind of like, 'sure you are free to speak your mind, but if you don't think like us, then you are garbage.'

And you know what? I bought their new cd and it is very powerful, smart and in your face. How I love that. Even if you are not a fan of country....it doesn't matter, it's just plain good music...regardless. And you know what else? I just bought tickets to see them in concert. I believe in what they have to say and hope they have new fans and the loyal ones will always win out. To me, there is nothing more patriotic than exercising your right to say what you want and then no matter who comes down on you, having the kahonas to stand your ground, never waivering....

That's what America should be about....

Shameless plugging:

If you haven't listened, give it a try

www.dixiechicks.com

Taking The Long Way
Dixie Chicks

Living Life In Drag

I believe in the process of coming out, first to oneself and later to whomever we choose. No matter when or how you choose to come out, it's a struggle. It's been 13 years since I came out to myself and about 11 since I came out to my family. It's been amazing to me that once you come out, you keep doing it over and over...that makes it easier, I suppose. But even still, there is no way to be all the way out to everyone you know.

Even though knowing I was gay, I never wanted to be totally obvious. I don't consider myself totally butch but am definitely not overtly feminine, though I can be if I choose(although, no fingernails or makeup please). I was pretty much covered when I first came out because I had a daughter, she was only 4 at that time. And I've had more men hit on me since I've been out than I ever had when I was living the straight life. BUT....

It's a never ending cycle how we, as THE GAYS, are always hovering around that closet door once we are out. Somehow, we must go back in and pretend to be part of the majority. I think it's just wrong, but I understand it. Case in point:

In my line of work, I am with people who have developmental disabilities. They, like everyone else, has been raised or taught that being gay is just wrong and God says so. Oh how many times have I been witness to this argument and I have to listen and attempt with every ounce of restraint I have, not to get on my soapbox. My current job, I've only been there for almost 3 months. I have one client whom I adore and is very high functioning....he talks about politics, the war, drugs...you name it. He lives with his parents, who have farmed their whole life. One day he says to me as we were walking, "You know...it's like these homos and lesbians. They say they should be allowed to be married. But the bible says, God made woman for man and he saw it was good. It's the word of God."

What can I say? To tell him that I am one of "those people" would definitely ruin the relationship I've been building since I began this job. That relationship is vital to what I do and what he does. So once again, I go into the closet...but it also occurs to me that being gay is not ALL that I am, it's only a part of me. Being gay does not rule my life and I am grateful I am able to not "look" like I am gay. It's sad that it has to be that way, that one way of life governs another. How I have always wished that all of the people that bash us, think ill of us, could live our lives for a day...if being gay were the majority. Now wouldn't that be something....

Regulations of Being American

I love living in America. I wouldn't live anywhere else and granted, I've only been to 2 other countries, France and Canada, but there is so much beauty to America and good things, there's no where else I'd rather be. That being said however, I have learned that good things come with a price. Price is one thing, but stupidity is quite another.

The government in America leaves alot to be desired. The more I learn, the more disgusted I am. I work with mentally disabled adults, with various disabilities ranging from autism to Down's Syndrome. Most of them are learning to live on their own, have a job in the community and be a productive part of society. All of them get a monthly check from Social Security and sometime SSI. I've been through the SSI part as my daughter was on that and probably still is. I have a client now who works through the sheltered workshop within the agency I work for a couple days a week and also works at Mcdonalds, whenever they decide to give him some hours. These hours are few and far between and only 4 hours at a time. So, clearly, it is not a stable thing. SSI sent him several letters stating they were cutting him off completely as he made too much money and was no longer eligible. This went on for a couple month. Then suddenly, he gets another letter saying HE OWES THEM the overpayment because, gee, he made SO much money they shouldn't have paid him anything. WHAT?! That's right, no matter what, it's your fault they made the mistake and you must pay them back. These are people can never and will never make much money due to their disabilities. It makes me so angry...whatever happened to taking responsibility for your actions? We all know the government will never do that and penalizes the very people it proposes to protect, by keeping them running around in a circle, never learning to get ahead.

Gee, and then I hear there are FLAG RULES. There are flag regulations you must follow to proudly hang your American Flag. I did not know this. There has to be a light above it at all times and can only hang so many feet from the ground. What? This seems crazy to me....Why must there be rules for all these things? There are no rules when an illegal alien burns the flag. Don't get me started on them....

And isn't funny how we, as gay Americans are expected to pay our taxes, yet...have no other rights as American citizens?

Oh yes, I'm proud to be an American....but...

The Mouths of Children Today

Maybe I'm old fashioned, maybe I'm old school or bordering near being The Crypt Keeper as my daughter likes to call me...but it's amazing to me how kids have changed since I was young.

I know it has to do with how they are raised and their environment. I know kids always mouth off to their parents, just to see what they can get away with. I remember attempting the "storming off out of the room" routine that I always saw on television. Somehow that never worked. My mother was never like Pa Ingalls. When Brittany's behaviors were at her worst, she'd swear at me like a sailor. I never knew she knew all those words and I still don't think she knew what they meant. I told her if I had ever talked to my mother that way, I'd have gotten a slap. So, I never knew where it came from, but then it made me realize it came from other kids at school.

This past weekend, I went to visit one of my best friends that I've known since I was 12. She was with me when I thought I was straight and we've had a few years of losing touch with each other for what ever reason. She has been with her boyfriend for 12 years I think, so it is more than a passing thing. And he is a wonderful guy...I love him to pieces. He has 2 kids, the girl is 15 and the boy is now in college. It's true, the girl is a bit high strung, but the language that came out of her mouth shocked me...what shocked me the most was that her father was joining in with her...with F**** You....no F*** you. Oh I say that glorious word all the time, amoung others as do most people. But then when I said to my friend, "Wow she does have a mouth on her doesn't she?" My friend says, "Well, we let them swear and it's not a big deal. We used to talk to them and tell them not to, but it's just easier to let them talk the way they want."

Is it me, or is that crazy? Oh I know they disagreed with choices I made about Brittany when she was younger. They thought she shouldn't be on any medication, Period. And I respect their decisions in parenting as their own. I guess we will always disagree on this point. I think about this girl in the workplace, dealing with the public, hopefully she knows when it's okay to use the language and when it's just not appropriate. For me, it's disrespectful and blurs the line between parent and buddy. But I see young people today in the clothes they wear and the way they talk...it's just amazing to me that it's been allowed to happen. Of course, you can do the best you can do and kids still make bad choices and don't turn out the way you hoped.

Oh I'm sure my mother thinks I turned out wrong myself. I used to think she taught me some good things, but maybe they were things I already knew and were in my soul...because she, herself has not learned them. So, it's not all parenting....

But some of it should be.