The 8th Month

Could it be that long? Actually, it seems longer that Brittany has been here. I am not sure what I think about anything anymore. A couple weeks ago, she was out of control, yelling, screaming, slamming doors when she didn't get her way. Now at least, the past week or so has been calm.

I am drained and it's on my mind constantly after the things she's said to me. If there is one thing that annoys me, it's the disrespect. I have always known Brittany to have anger issues. I also knew that when I made that fateful decision to send her to the foster home (a decision that was actually made for me) that there would be mental repercussions. I am not sure what Brittany feels for me at this point. She's told me she does not want to work things out with me and why did I bother giving birth to her, blah blah blah. God, I am so tired of defending myself and my decisions. She has no idea how hard things were for me, what I went through just to have her in my life and she seems not to care that Cindy and I have turned our lives upside down to help her. If she had not come here on vacation, those assholes would have thrown her on the street.

So I am trying, still, to get some things together for her so that when she graduates, she has somewhere to go, some kind of direction, since she does not care about that. If Brittany were a regular 18 year old, I wouldn't be trying so hard. I would just let her go. But I know Brittany is not capable of being out there in the world alone. She is more like 14 or 15. She does not take responsibility for anything she does. Brittany had refused to do the things I am trying to line up...but now it seems she might be warming to the idea. She does not want to leave her friends. What she cannot seem to grasp is the notion that her friends are all younger than her. They will still be in school and I refuse to allow her to sit here and do nothing. I want her to be able to move to Burlington...which is the city where I work, about 45 minutes away. There are more opportunities for her there. So I decided I would start by offering to take her and her friend for a day trip next saturday, to show off the town with her friend, see what is all there for her. Brittany does not think anything is wrong with her really, so it is difficult for her to understand that she needs some guidance. Brittany is so addicted to this friend, "courtney", that it almost appears like worship. Brittany liked oldies and country music, now suddenly she likes marilyn manson? Brittany has changed her personality to be like courtney's. I know we've all done it, just so someone will like us. I know, I have to pick my battles. The most important one is helping her to help herself.

So I am going with her to her counseling appt next monday where we will begin to delve into Brittany's anger issues with me that she doesn't want to discuss. Well I will discuss them for sure. I took the day off because I know I will be like a limp noodle when I am done. But it is worth it.

ChickaBoomChickaboom....doncha just love it!