Christmas 2007...in a nutshell

For 2 Christmases in a row now, I've had to deal with death. For an everyday occurence, it sure is ever present on my mind. People enter your life for a reason, no matter how long they are here. They do their job and make their exit. We are never ready for the final bow.

My Christmas this year, was not too awful. I've spent many Christmases by myself...without Brittany and without anyone, family or a significant other. So this Christmas, I had all of it together. Yah, it's stressful with all of the shopping and money woes and Lord knows I do NOT want to see another cookie for awhile...but I have to say it was all good.

Of course, I was not planning on Brittany being here this year, but I am glad she is. She is doing better for the most part. I do not remember being so self centered when I was her age, but maybe I was. If there is one thing I do know, it's that I had a helluva lot more respect for my family and my elders. Brittany does not, though I know most kids I see in today's world do not. That does not make it okay. It makes it sad and pathetic. Brittany and I went to see my grandmother who lives in an assisted living apartment. Brittany was planning on spending the night with her while I went with my dad, stepmom and aunt to stay at the hotel/casino 20 minutes away. I bought Brittany THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW for Christmas. It cracks me up that she has discovered that movie. Anyway, I was leaving my computer with her so she could watch movies. So we get there, people are coming to visit my grandmother and Brittany starts watching this movie with her headphones on. She starts doing "the time warp" dance. I asked her if she could not dance around while people were visiting. Brittany tells me "no I can't." Then I asked her to pause it out of respect for everyone coming in and visiting. The room is really small. She then becomes angry and starts having a tantrum like a 3 year old...albeit, quietly. SHe plops next to me whispering "I hate it here, I want to go home. You always control everything I do." So I ignore her as long as I can and tell her she is acting like a 3 year old and I wasn't going to talk to her until she acted like an adult. Then my stepmom tells my dad that it's time for the "CAW" which is a little thing my dad does by grabbing someone's thigh above the knee and making crow sounds. So then he did that, attempting to pull her out of it by humor. I guess it worked, but I was left feeling so angry with her. So then we all left and Brittany spent the night with my grandmother. I didn't know what would happen, but it all turned out fine and Brittany played cards with my grandmother.

Meanwhile, we all went to the casino and hotel. It was a nice time. My aunt, Sharon is 65 and newly separated from her 4th husband. She is like having another teenager or kid around. In some ways, it's fun, in others....well it's just downright strange. I love her to death and have always been close to her. She's always had an issue with my being gay and she's said she is doing better. Well, Sharon likes to drink and smoke and she smoked in the room that was no smoking. Either she didn't know or didn't care...or didn't think about it at all. So after everyone finished gambling, she comes back still drinking and smoking...giving me her theory on why I am gay. It cracks me up when Straight people give their theory on this subject. This is the aunt who fondled me some 20 years ago trying to "test" me to see if I was gay. I know, I know, EWWW!
Of course, I did not think or believe I was gay at the time. Her theory is that I was so rejected by my mother and she also mentioned about my father giving me baths as a baby. Gee, that has SO much credibility! All I can do is laugh.

My family has truly come around and I think it's because they really love Cindy and see how happy we are. We don't flaunt anything or even hold hands in their presence...though sometimes we play footsie! My stepmother was cleaning out my grandmother's closet when we came back and even made jokes about coming out of the closet. That made me laugh! My folks even gave Cindy and I matching Ornaments that say Cindy and Julie on them. I think that says it all.

So it was good, bad, ugly and sorrowful all at once. All in all...I feel blessed. And isn't that the point?

Peace for the new year.

Comings and Goings

Life is fast. Most often, it doesn't feel like it. That is until you are confronted with death. No matter how long I am on this earth, I can never understand it.

Cindy and I were going along with our Christmas just fine and then came the phone call. A good friend of ours, Julie(yep she's a Julie), was in the hospital in Texas after collapsing from a brain anneurism and was on life support. She's now gone and luckily she probably didn't know what hit her. It baffles me.

I met Julie after I moved in with Cindy. Julie happened to be Cindy's ex gf's sister, who was also gay. She was a wild one and always gave Cindy a hard time, teasing her, and Cindy could never think of a comeback line fast enough. In past blogging sessions, I have explained how Cindy and her ex are close friends and sometimes that baffles me too. I am sure when Julie met me, she wanted to test me out to make sure I was worthy of being in this PACK. So I spent the time and found opportunities to get her with comeback lines and witty things...with a little attitude. Cindy's ex, T(I shall call her), laughed and told me, "no one's ever talked to my sister like that. You'll do just fine!" So I shared a bond with Julie right away. She told me of her escapades and I know one day I will write them in a book. It's really a tale of 3 sisters and the horrible things they lived through. I had to laugh when Julie talked to me about her affair with a girl...she said, "What am I supposed to do? She shows up on my doorstep in the rain? I just HAD to let her come in!" It's those memories I think of now. Thank God I have them. Julie was around 50 years old.

People enter our life and we never know the impact they will have. Then in what seems like a summer breeze, they are gone. I saw Julie last summer. She brought her much younger girlfriend with her and we just had to laugh. I have her on video and I am sure I will watch and listen and laugh and cry.

It's another lesson in life. Make each day count because we never know what's in store for us. Pretty soon, you are out of time. I know I am grateful for Julie's time here and that I had a chance to know her.

The 8th Month

Could it be that long? Actually, it seems longer that Brittany has been here. I am not sure what I think about anything anymore. A couple weeks ago, she was out of control, yelling, screaming, slamming doors when she didn't get her way. Now at least, the past week or so has been calm.

I am drained and it's on my mind constantly after the things she's said to me. If there is one thing that annoys me, it's the disrespect. I have always known Brittany to have anger issues. I also knew that when I made that fateful decision to send her to the foster home (a decision that was actually made for me) that there would be mental repercussions. I am not sure what Brittany feels for me at this point. She's told me she does not want to work things out with me and why did I bother giving birth to her, blah blah blah. God, I am so tired of defending myself and my decisions. She has no idea how hard things were for me, what I went through just to have her in my life and she seems not to care that Cindy and I have turned our lives upside down to help her. If she had not come here on vacation, those assholes would have thrown her on the street.

So I am trying, still, to get some things together for her so that when she graduates, she has somewhere to go, some kind of direction, since she does not care about that. If Brittany were a regular 18 year old, I wouldn't be trying so hard. I would just let her go. But I know Brittany is not capable of being out there in the world alone. She is more like 14 or 15. She does not take responsibility for anything she does. Brittany had refused to do the things I am trying to line up...but now it seems she might be warming to the idea. She does not want to leave her friends. What she cannot seem to grasp is the notion that her friends are all younger than her. They will still be in school and I refuse to allow her to sit here and do nothing. I want her to be able to move to Burlington...which is the city where I work, about 45 minutes away. There are more opportunities for her there. So I decided I would start by offering to take her and her friend for a day trip next saturday, to show off the town with her friend, see what is all there for her. Brittany does not think anything is wrong with her really, so it is difficult for her to understand that she needs some guidance. Brittany is so addicted to this friend, "courtney", that it almost appears like worship. Brittany liked oldies and country music, now suddenly she likes marilyn manson? Brittany has changed her personality to be like courtney's. I know we've all done it, just so someone will like us. I know, I have to pick my battles. The most important one is helping her to help herself.

So I am going with her to her counseling appt next monday where we will begin to delve into Brittany's anger issues with me that she doesn't want to discuss. Well I will discuss them for sure. I took the day off because I know I will be like a limp noodle when I am done. But it is worth it.

ChickaBoomChickaboom....doncha just love it!

It's Always Somthin'....

It reminds me of Gilda Radner as RosanneRosannaDanna on SNL years ago. It's Always Somethin'....and it is. It's the never ending saga that is my life right now. SIGH

Here's the update on Brittany the kid. Things had been going, well....okay, no outbursts for quite awhile. Then Brittany met this girl Courtney at school and they have kind of a weird relationship. Brittany wanted the girl to spend the night as she had spent the night at her house already. I spoke to Cindy about it. Cindy did not want her to for the simple fact that she is not out to her family and her co-workers. I understood and respected her decision. Brittany became irate screaming and hollering, I heard it over the phone. She threw the phone out of the way, kind of shoved Cindy out of the way and ran off. I came home from work, making phone calls and finally discovering where she was. I chose not to go after her. She is 18, there is not much I can do. She came back that night in a fit that she was 18 and could do anything go anywhere she wanted. So I tell her she can stay with her friend 1 night and then if she wants to be an adult so bad, she can come home and talk about it. She came back the next day, feeling bad about what she'd done. But I know this is not the end. I think she is way too involved with this girl...to the point of being fanatical and worship like.

Now on the other side...I received the report from all the tests that were done on Brittany. Her IQ is 73 and she has tested in the mild mental retardation range as I suspected. So now my plan is to go ahead and begin paperwork for getting her some services, like what I do for a living. I have the fear that she will fight it and in that case I may have to look at becoming her legal guardian, which costs money. But we shall see. It's alot to take on now, but it's the only way for Brittany to have any sort of future. I gotta do what I gotta do....

It's always somethin....if your kid ain't crazy, you are. You gotta laugh...
Peace Everyone

Abundant Rewards

As I sit here, chocolate chip cookie warm from the oven, in my hand...I think about the little things in life that are so good, they are indescribable. Most often, we focus on the big things/issues that complicate our lives. I am reminded of this every day with my work.

My work with mentally challenged adults brings me back in tune with what's really important. I go from day to day, doing my job the best way I can...even knowing I have a daughter who is mentally challenged. My clients do not have many, if any, behavioral issues...which makes them an absolute joy to be around. For those who have never had the pleasure of knowing a mentally challenged person, it's something you should seek out.

I had an experience with my client, Mike, who is probably the one who grabs my heart every time. When I started working with him, he had beat up his sister and still has impulsive aggression issues. My co-workers and supervisor, I am sure, have considered him the most difficult. Mike has 5 sisters and his dad...though they are not overly involved with him for the most part. I've heard Mike tell me that he has to be "good" that he cannot be bad. I've told him what a good person he is and remind him of all the reasons he is a good person and that I believe in him. Mike loves to fish....he is addicted to it. Mike and I went fishing and he loved teaching me what he assumed I didn't know about fishing. He sees me down the street and I can see him grinning from ear to ear. I can't help but smile. His family has told me they have seen such an amazing difference in him. Mike also has a form of autism. He talks a million miles a minute and can change the subject within one breath several times. Yesterday, I did my usual routine with Mike, take him to the bank and then home. We talked for a few minutes and as I got ready to leave, he hugged me. The whole thing shocked me and still does. Mike does not shake hands or do high fives. He always says, "I'm afraid my luck will rub off." On my drive home, I had to think...this is what it's all about. Mike has made an impact on me...as has all of the other clients I've worked with in the past 12 years of doing this work. I get angry that the pay is so low and the way the agency is operated on a day to day basis...and then the hug.

It puts things in perspective. Yah life is hard, yah life deals you blows...but life is full of rewards, if only you choose to see them.

Be Happy, Be Joyful, Be GAY

Of course, it's not for everyone. I consider being gay kind of special. We are all chosen and since I believe we are born gay...it's a given. And wouldn't you know there are so many who try to step on over to our side of the street...yet they have no gay card. There are bad gay people just like there are bad straight people. Most of us didn't know we possessed "the gift" of being gay, so we try straightdom and realize there is something missing.

Oh there are the stereotypes and there wouldn't be stereotypes if there weren't some element of truth to them. As a lesbian, I understand this and have lived it. I have moved in with women I didn't know very well...one after 3 weeks of talking online and 1 visit and another talking on the phone for 1 month and did not meet in person until I moved in with her. I am my own UHAUL and have lived the joke. My longest relationship is the one I am in now, 3 years in January. The other stereotypes about lesbians that I have learned is that they travel in packs and date each other...Lordy is this true.

When I met Cindy and she introduced me to her ex Tina(I shall call her this to be kind), I thought "how interesting". Cindy and Tina remained friends which in and of itself was odd but commendable. I've grown to like Tina although it's a complicated relationship for me, but that's another blog session. Since I have discovered life in "the pack". Through Cindy's stories and meeting people I realize that many of the women have dated each other. I used to think that maybe this was not true for midwest lesbians...but now I know it's universal. I was never in "the pack" until now. Though I have to admit Cindy and I are not really in the pack. Cindy has never dated anyone in the pack except for Tina. Tina sure has though.

Yes, I do have a point to all of this.

There is a couple in the pack, Tish and Karen, who have been together for 10 years. They are the stereotypical butch and Femme couple. Tish is butcher(yes it's an adjective here not a noun) than my dad and Karen is the typical femme woman. This year at the annual lesbian party thrown by our friend Julie, Cindy and I noticed Tish and Karen were no where near each other the whole day. Tish hung around with Cindy and I and another woman who is her buddy. So a couple weeks ago, we sort of were taken aback to learn that Tish and Karen broke up. The story is too weird. Apparently, Tish stated that an old gf named Veronica showed up on her doorstep and she tells Karen that she's always still had feelings for her. So now Tish and Veronica are together and Karen apparently moved back with her gf from 20 years ago.

Aren't lesbians funny?

What's In The Plan, Stays In The Plan

So in September, Brittany will have been here for 6 months. Little did I know that when the girl came for a visit, that it would be permanent. Many times now, as awful as it sounds, I miss the times when I just missed her. But...as with most everything else since the day she was born...things change. I think deep inside I knew something was bound to happen when she turned 18 and somehow it would be heading straight for me. Ta--freakin'-Da.

Back in June, I had helped Brittany apply for SSI. During this process, Brittany was given an IQ test and due to this and the fact that she had held a job, SSI turned her down. Because of legal wranglings, I could not find out what the IQ test/report said. Brittany is now 18 and I am not her guardian, she is her own guardian. This makes things sticky as I cannot just make a phone call and make things happen any longer. So, all this time, I have not known what Brittany's IQ is. When she was 11, I believe, she was tested and it was 66, which falls under mild mental retardation. 70 and below falls in this range. So years later when she went to the foster home and I was told she was suddenly 70, I was skeptical. I feel truly blessed that I have worked with the developmentally disabled all these years because it has helped me to better understand my daughter and realize what she needs.

Enter Friday August 24, 2007. I took Brittany to Iowa City for an appointment with a psychologist. As it turns out, they messed things up and did not have us scheduled. But in return, the social worker wanted to share with Brittany and I the results of the IQ test that was done for SSI. Brittany's IQ is 73. For Brittany to qualify for services and be under what is called an "M.R. WAIVER" she has to be under 75, so she is just under the buzzer. So this is good news.

So now I've been reflective about how my life, and Brittany's has turned out. I remember when she was born...how I never knew Brittany would not have a typical life. No one ever knows. I used to be envious of other parents who had "normal" children. And at times, even now, I am. I've thought about my dad and how different things would be if Brittany were a "normal" girl. But she's not. I understood a long time ago that this is the way it's meant to be. Oh life would have been simpler, but not any less meaningful. It's the path that is paved for us before we are even aware. The struggles are the lessons. I've had to learn to fight my way through the mud and maybe some parents have not had to fight and learn to stand up and say "no, my child deserves your attention." Maybe it's because before Brittany was ever around, I had to struggle myself..without the support of family. I also know the reason Brittany is here. It's up to me to help guide her in the next stage of her life. I may never be a grandmother. Brittany may never be a college graduate or have a lucrative career. Hell, I'd settle for a lucrative career at this point. Unfortunately, Brittany is a fighter LOL I'm not sure I like seeing myself in her. She has tantrums like a 3 year old and I have to discipline her now at 18. No matter how she resists me, I have to push her to make her own decisions, good or bad. And she will fight me all the way.

So I am hangin on to find out what's in store for me at the next turn.

The Life Of Riley...whoever that is

Allow me to introduce Checkers. Yes I caught him in the middle of something we all wish we could master. It must really be hard to sleep all day and wear yourself out licking.

If it is the life of Riley....Riley must be pretty damn happy!

The Old School

The days run into one another and I think, "gee, I haven't written on the ol blog for awhile," (yah, do we really believe I say "gee" even in my mind?) and then something comes up...usually when Cindy and I discuss some deep and pivotal topic, and I feel I MUST blog it. I could blog about things that have happened to me recently at work or the fact that I have just discovered medicaid/medicare will not pay for a yeast infection treatment but pays for viagra and all of the E.D. pills there are out for men. Nope. I am not going to blog about it.

I am a 42 year old woman who is lost in the past, it seems. The past where people respected each other and kids respected their parents AND parents respected their children. You know, the past where there were not cell phones, the internet, IPODS and droopy drawers. God, how I miss it and I know, it will never come back again. We've gone too far to turn around now.

I do have to say it's not all bad. The internet is a wonderful magical yet mystical place and I have to be oh so grateful for it. Life seems easier now in some areas due to the technology.

But easier does not mean better.

What has brought this attention to the good ole days, you ask? In February of 2009, and most people might know this, but I did not...TV as we once knew it will be over. No longer will TV be free. Not that many of us even have free tv anymore. So, no more antennae with foil. I laugh at the OLD DAYS when we all had to do this. I remember 3 channels and maybe PBS growing up. Is this really progress? Is it really freedom when the government and big business tells us how to live and make us pay for it. Cindy told me, "It won't be long and radio will follow." She is right, I am afraid to say. It really makes me wonder how things got so awfully out of hand.

The world is moving faster than ever. Everyone is in a hurry to get where they are going, and when you do that, you miss everything along the way. And there is so much that we've missed. I've always wished I could have lived long ago, listened to the radio and not had all of the conveniences. I guess maybe the older generations always feel this way when so-called progress happens.

All I know is, with the world moving so fast...I'd like to be a crock pot.

Take the time to enjoy the breeze.

Lost Outside My Mind

Well here I sit contemplating my life, such as it is...and wondering WHAT THE !@#$$. The majority of my life is so good, it's scary. Of course, that means Cindy. Enter Brittany.

This is an odd stage of her life and mine. Just when you think your child is moving on to another phase...you realize you are responsible for this too. I understand that this is the reason she is here with me...she needs this guidance.

Brittany is out of control. It's only getting worse. How do you reason with someone who is unreasonable and unreachable? Hell if I could answer that question, I'd be richer than I am today. It has come to the point where I cannot even talk to her without some sort of violent outburst. I made a suggestion to her about brushing her teeth longer...singing a song, etc...and she blew up, screaming at me. Later that night she tells me I made it sound like she had to do it. This tells me only her age and body have changed over the years. All of these things have been brewing. Her sense of reality is so far off the radar....there is no radar. It's all making me crazy. She has started slamming the doors harder and throwing things...this is where I draw the line. That being said....I know she has no where else to go and I cannot throw her out. But if she continues on this distructive path...she will have to go somewhere.

So...I have some calls into people to help me get some more immediate help for her. In the meantime....

I feel like screaming.

Peace

The Danger of Doing Good, Part 2

Okay here I am still ranting...and I do have a point to all of this ridiculousness. As you shall see.
In part 1, I discussed what has happened when money, family and disabilities co-exist. Now, this is not always the case. There are some lucky folks that have wonderful families who genuinely care for them. Such is the case of another one of my clients, who has Down's Syndrome and is very high functioning. Her sister is the most caring person in the world and any money my client pays her for things goes back into a special fund specifically for my client. That is not the norm, however.

So back to "Jake". Everything with Jake has been a struggle. I've caught him lying to me several times. I treat him like the adult he is...otherwise, what is the point of it all. His sister Kimm(how can you trust someone with 2 Ms?) has continually talked about how Jake should not have any spending money. So now Jake is about to move to a much better apartment through HUD. Kimm promised him (and me too) that she would write the 30 day notice to the landlord and help Jake pack. All of these things, she did not do. Now it is clearly not my responsibility to help Jake do these things as it does not fall into the area I am contracted to help him with. I stretched it though when I offered to help him on my day off(though I did clock in and intend to get paid for it). This was on 7/14. I wrote the notice as I knew Kimm would not get around to it. And she also did not get around to helping him pack. She was to arrange things for his moving day, which was left to me. I made arrangements and she backed me into a corner asking me when she should meet me to move Jake. To say I was angry is an understatement for sure. But I had to remember it was for Jake. SO yesterday was moving day. SHe was over an hour late and tried to tell me how unclean Jake's apartment was. I told her it was not my job to be his maid. So we moved Jake and I spent another day off working. I will get paid for it...believe that.

Yes, I vent therefore I am.

So the danger of doing good means you are stuck by always doing good. I know I do too much for my clients. I cannot help it, it's who I am. I know I cannot stand by and do nothing when someone like Jake or anyone like my clients needs my help and has no one to help them. Many of the people I've worked with have no one but the people who are paid to be there. You can't help caring for them because they make you realize how important you are.

The Danger of Doing Good

Frustration has seeped into my veins and refuses to let go. I have a different job than most people I know and maybe it is difficult to understand. I have worked with the developmentally disabled(or DD) for 12 years or more and I would not trade a moment of it for all the money in the world. In fact, most often, I enjoy them more than so-called "normal" people. Life is simple to them. Black and white....anything else is hard for them to understand. I have come across this situation in my work life that is nothing less than infuriating.

I have a client whom I will call Jake. I must explain that in my job, our agency is "Payee" for some of the clients, meaning that we are in charge of their checking account and assist them in paying bills. Last year, long before Jake was my client, our agency was NOT his payee, but one of my co-workers at the time worked with him on paying his bills, cooking skills and grocery shopping. During this time, Jake was going to receive a back payment from social security. $11,000. Jake, at the time, was his own guardian. Enter the sister from HELL. I shall call her Kimm(as it is her real name and I loathe her). In an instant, she went to court and got herself in charge of this money and Jake. It was called a conservatorship and she is now his guardian. Oh she spent a little of the money on Jake but suddenly, the rest is gone. Jake's worker(my coworker) asked Kimm about the money as Jake needed some clothes. Kimm tells my coworker, "don't ask me about that money." Then, when I took Jake over, Kimm tells me she's started a new photography business. Intriguing, isn't it? Now it has been stated that legally, Kimm is accountable for this money and how it was spent. Jake lived in a dump of an apartment and was living pathetically. Jake is an adult and perfectly capable of cleaning, though he does have cerebal palsy..a mild form but he is unstable when he walks. Kimm in the meantime has complained because she wants Jake to pay certain bills that SHE came up with and did not inform anyone. 1) Make payments on a BURIAL PLAN she began to make payments on
2) Renter's Insurance(a $20,000) policy she started "for" Jake
3) Pay the lawyer bill for becoming his guardian

Jake does not owe these bills. Jake had money to pay for these outright.
I do not understand how family members take advantage the way they do....when there is money involved, it is amazing what happens. I love money...because I don't have it. What's right is right and what's wrong is pure evil.

Coming soon: The Danger of Doing Good prt 2

Welcome To DramaLand!

Welcome one and all to the land where conversations are their own LifeTime movie! Yes, it's true...this is what's become my life...again!

Of course, I speak of my daughter Brittany(thank god she's not a wannabe rock goddess). We are slowly dealing with life as it was thrown to us 4 months ago. I miss my old life alone with Cindy, that is for sure...and I know she does too. There is alot to figure out. I took Brittany to the Center for Disabilities in Ia City(thanks to my brother) where they've done an assessment. Telling the whole story to the social worker was interesting. Another "training" doctor sat in on this and stated he was impressed with everything I had done to try to get Brittany help when she was younger. After these discussions, they feel she does not even have the PDD(Pervasisve Development Disorder) or maybe even the Bipolar. But they are going to do some tests and have her meet with a Neuropsychologist. The social worker observed how immature she is and I explained how she is now...where she won't have anything to do with the adult world. She does not want to watch adult movies or read adult books, she only watches nickelodeon and the disney channel and of course REBA reruns. I love Reba and that show myself, but it is not my every thought, like it seems to be with my daughter. So we have more appts. SSI has turned her down and people tell me I should appeal it. I am planning on it because I just don't see how she can make a living and support herself on her own.

Whenever I say something she doesn't like, she storms off to her room and later will come out to apologize. I've learned to let her go and not continue the argument. But I know I cannot fix what is wrong and all I can do is find her the help she needs.

If there is a reason for everything...I know that is why she was put here.

I wish I could storm off to my room.

A Kinder, Gentler Post

Okay...so I thought I would write something not so Alanis Morrisette today. Although anger is a wonderful thing, today I'm feeling somewhat calmer. Yes, there is so much more I could complain about...but I'm taking the day off of bitchin'.

Suddenly, after speaking with my boss yesterday...I feel my life ain't oh so tragic. My boss and I have bonded due to our troublesome daughters. Her daughter fell into the drug scene and mine fell into the disney channel scene. She allowed her daughter back into her house only to discover she was cooking METH in the house. My boss went right to the police and turned her in. Her daughter is now in Jail and could possibly go to federal prison...she's just 18 or 19. Now, not only the police entered her house but a special team from St Louis all descended upon her property to perform tests on the house....including the city. They have told her once the tests come back, if it shows over a certain percentage..the house will be condemned. My boss has to foot the bill for all of this cleaning...over $8000 and she might lose the house altogether. She cannot stay there and if she goes back in to get something, she has to suit up. It is unbelievable to me. I chose to tell my daughter this story...even knowing my daughter is so far behind on doing those things...I know that someone could talk her into trying it...but it is also a tale of consequences. They don't only affect you...but others around you. I can't imagine it all...

So today I am saying AHHHHHH life feels pretty good. I think we should all appreciate what we have and how simple our lives really are.

Peace

The Government and its TASTELESS Morsels

For a moment, let's step inside someone else's shoes, shall we? How about if those shoes were disabled...let's say for now, mentally challenged and possibly suffering from a fatal brain disease. Hey, even better...you are all of 24 years old. You have behavioral problems due to the disease and cannot make decisions for yourself, so you have someone assisting you in everything you do. You cannot work so you have to be involved with the programs offered to you to survive. Now: HAPPY DAY! You receive a check for $17,000 from the government. They say it's a back payment of money THEY owed you.

The CLINCHER: You must spend it in 6 months so it does not effect your current benefits. Hmmm $17,000. Since your time is very limited due to your fatal disease, your trusted worker helps you to take a vacation...a cruise, something for you to enjoy in the moment because you have basically no memory of even the past 5 minutes. So you go have a good time with your worker, come home...spend the money paying your bills and doing what the government said: Spend the money in 6 months.

Now, months later, here it comes: We were mistaken, so you MUST pay back every cent of the $17,000.

Sounds incredible, doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's true. This is just ONE more thing that is wrong with our precious government. They dangle the carrot knowing you have no choice but to take it and eat it to its entirety. Someone is waiting for the right moment to come and say..."Hey, you shouldn't have eaten that...now pay for it." How do you teach people to take responsibility for their own actions when the government doesn't? The programs are in place for a reason...but instead it's a part of a greedy plan. The person in question is a client in the agency I work for and it so disgusted me. I hope they fight it because it is just plain WRONG. Here's the government mantra: If it's your fault, you shall pay us. If it's our fault, you shall pay us.

Another Case: One of my clients, before I worked with him, was awarded somewhere to to tune of $1400 from the government...back pay from SSI. My co-worker who worked with him at the time, was very smart. As we are his payee, she did not allow him to access it because she knew they would come back at some point, wanting it back. Sure enough, he received a letter stating he MUST pay it back, THEY were wrong. So she mailed the check. In return, SSI sent her back a RECEIPT that stated: "Keep this paper as your receipt." Late last year, my client received a letter stating there WAS NO RECORD YOU HAVE PAID THIS DEBT.

WHAT? I probably posted about this earlier, as it totally disgusts me. So then the woman in our agency, Linda, who deals with payee things and balances the checkbooks, got on the phone with the local social security office and also the federal one. The federal office actually told her, "It doesn't matter that you have a receipt or even the cancelled check."

How bad is the world (and the USA) coming to when being right doesn't matter?

As it turns out, the local office did not communicate with the federal office, so again....the left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing. Hmmmmm.....how shocking.

You know, there ARE good things the government does. There are good programs to help people who cannot help themselves. There are those regular people who can use these programs to improve their lives and be self-sufficient. There are those who will NEVER be self-sufficient but have to survive in some way. What do you do when the help you are giving someone is tainted with your own greediness and thoughtlessness? Even evil is not beyond the realm of possibility.
As people....members of this society, this country that everyone professes to love SO much, we should be able to trust our government.

How can you trust a wolf in sheep's clothing?

The Demise of Morality...in a NUTshell

Well here it is... for all of the 2 people that read my blog...my long awaited comments on the declining morality of today. Or maybe it's the fact that I have no morals at all, so I have nothing to judge others by. Hmmm have I ever been judged and scrutinized over the way I handle my life? But of course....but I can still hold my head up high and not let my pants drop low. I don't even know if I am making sense...I digress once again.

I see so many things that disgust me that it's hard to pick just one. So, I shall continue my rant on the dropping of the pants. In an earlier post, I discussed how I'd read that this was a prominent custom in the prisons to mean one was "available" and ripe for the picking. Whenever I've seen someone, the guy(usually is, though I've seen a few women) is usually with his girlfriend or other buddies...but a couple of weeks ago, after I thought I could not be disgusted any further, I witnessed what I believe as a problem with kids growing up today. As a parent who was harshly judged, sometimes it is difficult for me to pick on the parents...but for this, I must. I was at Walmart(which is where these sightings most often occur) with a client of mine, shopping. We were checking out when I watched a male person(so self respecting person calling himself a MAN would do this) with his jeans way past his ass, showing his underwear(not even boxers) as he pushed 2 young children in his cart. He did not even have the decency to wear a long shirt like others do. I suppose there are those who feel this is a fashion statement and I do not pretend to know a damn thing about fashion...hell, I am a lesbian after all! This borders on exhibitionism. What does it say to these young children that they have to see their father's unders? Most of us would hurl seeing our parents walk around in their unders. I admit, I've seen my father in his by accident...and most of us have...by ACCIDENT. Now if this man was NOT the kids' father, then that's just another problem of parents not caring who their children are around. How can parents be a role model in today's world?

Keep your clothes on.

Lean Back and say "AHHHHH!"

Here it is once again: Summer. The kids are out of school and blah blah blah (guitar solo in my mind) . Kids everywhere...if I wasn't already a lesbian, I'd become one. One without kids...you know, a true lesbian. Surprised I'd say such a thing when I have a daughter? Yah me too. DISCLAIMER: Yes I love my daughter with all of my heart and would not change a thing (Hmmm let me ponder that for a moment). To think of life without her (hmmmm ahhh--okay, I am back to reality now) is unimagineable. I would never know the struggle of life and attempting to bounce back when there's no where to go but up.

I'm not the most political person...but I've noticed, like many others, the decline of morality. Oh there are those who say the gays and lesbians of course, know nothing of morality...well, just look at them! Yah, just look at us! I don't fault gays and lesbians for having kids together...if it's what makes them happy and everyone is for it, go for it. It's just not something I could do. I did it all on my own....the GROSS way and dealt with the consequences. That being said...I've grown to be quite pessimistic when it comes to today's parents. I sometimes think there is too much technology...although it has some awfully good points. I see kids with their IPODS in the grocery store with their parents. I think it's the most disrespectful thing when you drown out your parents. My mother would have had a fit. No one can talk to anyone or do anything without a cellphone in their ear...can't drive without one and yes, it's good for an emergency. Do we really think Paris Hilton is calling for an emergency every time we've seen her with her cell phone in one hand and her ugly little dog in the other? (Sorry to all the dogs out there). It disgusts me to even mention her name but I see it everywhere. Oh yes, I have a cell phone and I use it for work and of course friends and family...I love having it but I've learned to survive when I don't have something. Kids with cell phones and IPODS....I love music myself...have to turn it on in the morning first thing. It's all taken the place of talking to each other, face to face.

Maybe the world has gotten so violent, rude and immoral, that we just want to drown it out.

So now I lean back and listen to my inner child say "AHHHHHHH"

Peace and Quiet For Everyone

A BIg Bag of DUH

As I walk around this planet, I am continually baffled by people younger than me...the clothes they wear, the hardware they wear, the way they talk and conduct themselves. Okay maybe it's because I am approaching middle age. Though in contrast to my daughter feeling I came over on the Mayflower...I am only 42, so actual middle age has not knocked on my door. (And if it has, I have been out carousing!) I find myself shaking my head.

One of the things I see that I cannot work out in my mind is this practice by men(and a few strange women) of wearing their jeans down below not only their waist but below their butt(I am being clean for the moment). I say EWWW. In today's world, apparently it's appropriate for one to show their boxers to everyone. I had not yet seen any guy with regular underwear showing until a couple weeks ago. Can you imagine regular Joe Blow with his white BVDs showing (stomach gurgling)? So a couple weeks ago, I saw the front of this guy, who happened to be african american, where his jeans were down in the front showing his underoos....they were not boxers, but colored underwear. Maybe this is why the straight women hang on these guys...a promise what's to come. It makes me laugh and I will tell you what I recently read of the nature of this practice.

I do not know how many people know this, if it is true or not, but I found it hilarious. I choose to believe it is true. I apologize I cannot recall the name of the man who wrote the article.

There was an article(it could have been JET magazine) from a minister who had been in prison when he was younger and stated that the young people who practice this ritual would not do this if they knew its origin. According to this man, this started in the prisons. If a man wore his pants below his waist, showing his underwear, that meant he was available for a good ole time and wanted some action.

I am quite sure this has not been publicized or so many people would not be wearing their pants down to their ankles. If you look at the pants they wear..they are actually manufactured so one can wear them below the waist.

Maybe I will never understand this ritual, but at least I know of all they young men that are available.

Of course, it makes no difference to a lesbian.

Happy Days

What It Is...and What It Shall Be

Here I am....just when I needed me the most. As it's been awhile between posts, here I am in all of my mediocre splendor..or is it Splenda? Who knows at this point.

As I digress...life has settled in a bit for all of us. Brittany has settled in and become comfortable and while that could be considered a good thing, it brings about the behaviors I have expected. Oh they are not nearly what I remember from years ago, but it really brings home what I've always known to be true. The girl needs some help to find her own road. I think my work with my clients that are DD(Developmentally Disabled...I refuse the word "retarded") has helped to calm me from my younger days with Brittany. Now that I am doing more teaching than physically taking care of them, I can understand more. There are communication issues. Hell, we all blow up and realize later maybe we should have talked it through. Brittany can manipulate with the best of them. It's been almost 6 years living without her...

God how I miss just missing her! LOL But for some reason, some higher power put her on my door step again for me to deal with. So I am doing what I have to do to help her help herself. My job as her mother is NOT to do it for her. A client's mother told me once, "You can love your child, but you have to make sure someone else loves her, too, because you won't always be around."

Cindy has been a dream come true...I always thought so, but every day I am reminded just how special she is. She's bought clothes and helped her organize her room and so many things. Brittany loves her and does things around the house...with a little nudging now, but has not argued too much.

I've found out that Brittany can graduate in December if she wants. So what I plan to be looking into in the meantime is finding her the right programs that offer vocational skills and real life training skills...like what I do.

I'm sure life will never be the same again...it can't. Life works out how it's meant to...like it or NOT.

So for my birthday on 5/24....I am taking myself away from here, by myself and going to visit my grandmothers. Kind of a treat to myself...and Lordy am I ever looking forward to it!

Hang in there folks!!

Peace Love and Hugs

That Which Does Not Kill Us....

Yah, whatever. Okay, so it won't kill me and I know I've been through worse catastrophes...but it all still baffles me. Here's the update:

Brittany is here, a part of my NOW life. I still to this day, have not heard one word from the foster mother, S. (I feel like being mean and typing her whole name...but I digress). I have been on the phone constantly attempting to figure out things that should have already been figured out. Brittany is in school here and has even made a few friends, which thrills me to no end. She says she is happy here, there have been no angry outbursts, though there have been some intense emotional conversations. I've worked with her on talking about things instead of shutting herself off. I take the time to sit with her and talk things out. She has thanked me many times for allowing her to move in and told me how sorry she is that all this has happened. I really do believe her and feel good that she is aware of how much things have changed for everyone. She adores Cindy and we all entertain each other.

I have been making the rounds with social security and am now trying to get her on medicaid, which I do think will go through. My brother who just graduated with honors in Psychology has helped get me some information to get her tested with a neuropsychologist to see where things stand. What a kid! Both of them! LOL

So...all in all...I know it will work out how it is supposed to. I really believe that it's the best thing, though the stress of it all has me going insane.

Oh well. Life is a highway...now I'm on the detour.

P.S. Hi KMAE...what are you doing for OUR birthday? 5/24? LOL

Peace and HUGS

Life Turned Upside Down...Again

Greetings from a place I call UPSIDE DOWNVILLE...population at least 2 working on 3...

Who knew April would be so damn cold and full of life altering decisions. Oh, but I guess most decisions are life altering. It's the extent to which they alter your life that is the point. You may think I am overreacting, but I know that there are major consequences that affect my entire life and that of the woman I love more than anything.

Here it is: I shall try to be shorter this time as I noticed my post from last time was oh so long winded.

Brittany flew here on Friday 3/30. Before this took place, I attempted several times up to the day before, to find out Brittany's exact flight info. All I knew was that she was leaving Salt Lake City @ 4:45pm and getting into St. Louis @ 10pm. No one bothered to tell me anything else. I know that Brittany's foster family (mother) would not want to be treated this way. But, apparently it's okay for me. So Friday morning, I call the foster home at least 5 times...no answer and I left a message. So I keep calling and finally get someone. I believe he is Brittany's foster brother. He says "they" have left already. I assume "they" is the foster mother (S) and Brittany. He tells me he does not know what airline but he will call his mom and ask AND call me back. After 20 minutes, he does not call, so I call AGAIN. He says, "My mom must have her phone off but I called my sister and she knew it was Frontier." It was clear he had no intention of calling me back. So this I could work with, but no one could be bothered to tell me ahead of time. This already set me off.

So Brittany flies in. I did not know if it was a non-stop or there was a connecting flight. Cindy did some searching on the internet and narrowed it down. Brittany calls me from Salt Lake saying the plane was a few minutes late and that she had a layover in Denver. So when Brittany gets here, she has no return flight info. And so begins more phone calls. Brittany called home several times and then I began calling. I was told by Brittany's foster sister that Brittany bought the ticket and no one had any idea what it was or about a return. She also told me that she was attempting to convince her mother NOT to take Brittany back due to her increasingly violent behaviors. Believe me, I understand this...and I told her that but I wanted to know what was going on. Was it YES or NO. She said that she would have her mom call me. So for days afterward, I would call at least twice per day. I finally quit calling last Thursday.
I have found out Brittany only bought a one way ticket and of course the "sister" tells me Brittany meant to do it and it was all her. I do not believe that as Brittany was planning on going back to work Saturday(yesterday).

So now, I have to assume Brittany is moving in. Not to mention that she has another year of school left...and also the rest of this year. I've called the police and they referred me to Family Services so they are trying to figure out what is going on. Now I am left to figure out what to do. I was not expecting this in my lap and not only does it turn my life upside down, it does Cindy's too. She has been a dream, being so supportive of me and of Brittany. I worry about this with Cindy, though...as she is not out to her family and even she does not understand how she will explain it. We have a 2 bedroom house. I offered to move out, though knowing I could never make it financially with the job I have. Though I would try....but Cindy won't hear of it.

Such is life....enjoy what you have when you have it...cuz it can change on a dime.
Peace and hugs

18 Years and Counting...

Here it is...March 17th already. Today, 18 years ago, a new and beautiful creature entered my life. Brittany. Oh how today is bittersweet, especially knowing what I know has transpired.

Brittany is coming for a visit on March 30th, for 1 week. Yesterday I learned that what I've been saying for years has come true. Brittany is on a downward spiral and for now, I have to sit and watch it. How it hurts to be right sometimes.

A few days ago, Brittany called me in the middle of the day, around 2pm(1pm her time). I asked why she wasn't in school. She tells me she was kicked out. This has never happened before. SHE tells me that some boy punched her. SHE says he began calling her names out of nowhere and just hauled off and punched her. Knowing Brittany the way I do...it didn't seem to fit. Just a few days before she told me, this same boy punched her in the face. I felt inside there was something more to the story.

Enter YESTERDAY. S(Brittany's foster mother) calls me. I finally learn that Brittany started this fight, she was the instigator and the aggressor and the one who name called the boy. The boy, Colin, was a boyfriend of Brittany's for a very short period of time. The story plays out like you'd expect from teenagers. Brittany's so-called "friend" Chelsea had dated this boy, then they broke up. She encouraged Brittany to go out with him. Brittany dumped her long time boyfriend(whom she never saw as he lived in a neighboring city 12 miles away) and pursued this boy. He bought Brittany a dozen roses, candy...the whole works for Valentine's day. Chelsea became livid as the boy never spent money on her while they were dating. Chelsea most likely told Colin stuff about Brittany and he dumped her. This girl has helped to turn Brittany into a raging maniac. Brittany has turned her back on her family that she's been with since she was 12. She comes and goes when she wants, hollers and screams obscenities, slams doors. They are all afraid to say hello for fear she will go off and she will. So the story goes that Brittany was late for school and they lock the doors. The boy happened to see her and said, "Ha! Got locked out, eh?" Brittany pushed him down screaming all kinds of obscenities as in the ole M. F. word. So he punched her...but 4 teachers witnessed this and they were both suspended.

In the interim S had to call the police to intervene when Brittany became unmanageable, as she has assaulted S several times. Even the District Atty has been involved and it was stated that there might be charges filed against her. The issue is that she was so close to being 18 and at 18, she is legally and adult. Brittany is supposed to call the judge and talk to him herself and as far as I know, she has not. The police officer and a youth officer informed S that she "Cannot live this way," and must practice tough love. He told her that if she does not follow the rules and storms out, for her to lock the door and not let her in, no matter what. S wanted me to know in case Brittany calls me. If she does, S suggested that I tell her to call the Police for help and they will find somewhere for her to go. They said Brittany definitely has an anger issue.

I spent yesterday attempting to pull myself together enough to work. I think about her anger. This has been ongoing and building up since she was at least 3 years old. I witnessed this rage in her. I just watched her in disbelief. That was at 3. Here she is, now at 18...only just out of control. I sit back wondering and asking myself...where did it all go wrong? I know I cannot afford to question this for too long because now it is up to me to once again try to get her the help she needs. No one listened to me all those years ago when I said something would happen and she would self-destruct if she didn't get help. She was taken off medication and not encouraged to go to counseling too much. Instead the focus was on me and my "poor parenting skills". I needed counseling and parenting classes. Now she is heading in that direction.

Brittany has invited herself to live with me when she graduates. I understand why she wants to be with me. In a perfect world, I would be elated as she has no idea how I have missed her every day she's been gone...every day for the past 6 years. I have been guilt ridden that I couldn't help her and keep her at home. I know in my heart of hearts that had I attempted to bring her back home all those years ago....I would not be here today. I knew enough to know she needed help I couldn't give her. Brittany had a few good years around middle school age, had very few incidences and even those S says she could get through. But...this is not a perfect world and I cannot right the wrongs in Brittany's life.

So here she comes for a visit. I do not know how this will go. I plan to take Brittany around to family to visit and spend little time at home with Cindy. I think the visit will go fine and the problem will be when she has to go back home. Now that it's come to this, I feel I must have a true heart to heart with Brittany when she gets here, letting her know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate what's been going on and if there are problems, she will go home early. I don't think it will be an issue as right now, I am the good mother. Who knows when that will wear off.

My task at hand? If she does come back here, I will find a placement for her. This will involve getting a newer diagnosis...she will have to agree to go and get some help and that will be no easy feat. She will have to know it's her only choice. Brittany has glamorized what living with me was like. I do not know if she truly has no conscience but I know she does not understand consequences for her actions. It's been the issue her entire life.

It breaks my heart knowing her life has taken this turn. I refuse to let it mess even one iota with my relationship with Cindy. I will do whatever is necessary to keep that from happening. I have some resources available to me through work and for that I am grateful.

I am writing the book on my experiences and here is another chapter...

Peace

HUG someone today...

10 Things That Irritate Me

Top 10 Things That Irritate Me

10. Bad Drivers--The ones who just can't wait til you pass to turn in front of you

9. Men who have to touch themselves--are they afraid it's all going to fall off?

8. Parents who allow their kids to have mohawks or colored hair--especially at 3 years old

7. Young people who have turned gothic-- someone somewhere told them chains, tattoos and everything pierced was a good idea. After awhile, all that blackness brings a person down.

6. Those Baggy Britches--what is the purpose? Is it to show everyone your underwear? People that do this also wear chains and have to reach way down to their ankles to get to their wallet. Believe me, it's no fashion statement.

5. Walmart--plain evilness. It's all there is in this town where I live...and they know it.

4. Screaming Spoiled Kids--I've been here before and I hate being that parent. I would drop everything and leave when Brittany would try that. It should not be tolerated...amazing what happens when you take control.

3. Hypocrisy--Say what you mean and mean what you say

2. Men who feel they have to control women---get a grip

1. THE GOVERNMENT--everything about it....we are all mushrooms. To quote a song, "they feed us bull and keep us in the blind..." Thank you Travis Tritt. Anyone reading this blog should watch the documentary "WHY WE FIGHT". It is the best movie ever made, though will most likely never win an oscar.

QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Never Ending Circle

Well...here I am at yet another crossroads in my life. Just when you think things are calm and you can sit back and enjoy it...here it comes.

Brittany was coming for a visit and I was preparing for this week of bittersweet happenings. As she saved her money, she was excited. This being said however, Brittany's future is questionable. Her life is out of control. This is what I was so scared of and now it is coming to light. Brittany has made life hell for her foster family and now they truly see what I was talking about. Brittany does not want to talk to anyone. Instead, everyone is walking on eggshells wondering if she will blow like Mt Saint Helens. She needs help getting her plane ticket and she is burning her bridges and refuses to sit down and talk to anyone. She told me, "I don't like to talk to people." I told her that people are everywhere and she is going to have to learn to talk, bite the bullet and put herself out there. She just refuses.

I spoke with the foster mother yesterday and I feel her pain because I was there 6 years ago. Now she has asked me to find a place for Brittany to go as she will be 18 next month and she feels Brittany will take off once she knows she can and the guardianship is over. I am not sure this will happen, but I am working on some things here. Since Brittany has invited herself to just come back to live with me, I am in the process of finding a placement for her...group home or some transitional placement where she can learn daily skills. This is what I do for a living, so it is good I have people to talk to and some connections. Knowing this is what has to happen for her to survive just breaks my heart. She needs some intervention and it's up to me to do something now.

How ironic is my life...here it is back to me where it started. Life will never be the same again.

Peace for all of us

Goobledy Gook

Wow...it HAS been awhile. There is a special entry coming soon. But until then...here is what I've been up to.

Christmas was both wonderful and oh so sad...I lost one of my best friends to that evil thing Cancer. I watched my youngest brother graduate with honors and distinction in Psychology from University of Iowa and spent an early Christmas with my dad and both my brothers...something that hasn't happened for a long while. Also spent Christmas with my grandmother and a whole bunch of relatives...thank god that isn't every year(the other relatives, the weird ones).

My daughter Brittany is flying in for a visit the end of March. I was planning on driving to Wyoming, but after speaking to her foster mom, I decided otherwise. She stated to me that she thought she should spend her own money for the ticket and if she didn't save it, then there is her consequence. And also that it would be better to wait until AFTER she is 18. I have been worried about something happening...another made up story as in the past. After what happened 3 years ago with her stating I sexually abused her on a home visit, I was not about to go through that again. But now that she will already be 18, she will have to face her own legal consequences should that happen. I decided the foster mom was right. And actually Brittany is very excited about flying in to see me, has saved her money, $250 so far. So I am taking the week off and taking her around to see family. My intention is to not take any chances for Cindy. It's sad to not trust my own daughter, but I cannot let my guard down.

Another good thing: I have really started writing this book regarding my experiences with Brittany. I found a journal I'd written in the thick of the mess.

AND Cindy and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary! It amazes me how much I fall in love with that woman every day. My family loves her and sometimes I think they love her so much they forget the nature of our relationship! LMAO It's fascinating to me. I told Cindy, "They don't even care that you are gay!" LOL

Work is good and though depressing when I received my W2 and saw I barely made over $10,000. But I could not leave, I love it so much. Gotta write and sell the ole book!

I'll be back soon!!!!