What's In The Plan, Stays In The Plan

So in September, Brittany will have been here for 6 months. Little did I know that when the girl came for a visit, that it would be permanent. Many times now, as awful as it sounds, I miss the times when I just missed her. But...as with most everything else since the day she was born...things change. I think deep inside I knew something was bound to happen when she turned 18 and somehow it would be heading straight for me. Ta--freakin'-Da.

Back in June, I had helped Brittany apply for SSI. During this process, Brittany was given an IQ test and due to this and the fact that she had held a job, SSI turned her down. Because of legal wranglings, I could not find out what the IQ test/report said. Brittany is now 18 and I am not her guardian, she is her own guardian. This makes things sticky as I cannot just make a phone call and make things happen any longer. So, all this time, I have not known what Brittany's IQ is. When she was 11, I believe, she was tested and it was 66, which falls under mild mental retardation. 70 and below falls in this range. So years later when she went to the foster home and I was told she was suddenly 70, I was skeptical. I feel truly blessed that I have worked with the developmentally disabled all these years because it has helped me to better understand my daughter and realize what she needs.

Enter Friday August 24, 2007. I took Brittany to Iowa City for an appointment with a psychologist. As it turns out, they messed things up and did not have us scheduled. But in return, the social worker wanted to share with Brittany and I the results of the IQ test that was done for SSI. Brittany's IQ is 73. For Brittany to qualify for services and be under what is called an "M.R. WAIVER" she has to be under 75, so she is just under the buzzer. So this is good news.

So now I've been reflective about how my life, and Brittany's has turned out. I remember when she was born...how I never knew Brittany would not have a typical life. No one ever knows. I used to be envious of other parents who had "normal" children. And at times, even now, I am. I've thought about my dad and how different things would be if Brittany were a "normal" girl. But she's not. I understood a long time ago that this is the way it's meant to be. Oh life would have been simpler, but not any less meaningful. It's the path that is paved for us before we are even aware. The struggles are the lessons. I've had to learn to fight my way through the mud and maybe some parents have not had to fight and learn to stand up and say "no, my child deserves your attention." Maybe it's because before Brittany was ever around, I had to struggle myself..without the support of family. I also know the reason Brittany is here. It's up to me to help guide her in the next stage of her life. I may never be a grandmother. Brittany may never be a college graduate or have a lucrative career. Hell, I'd settle for a lucrative career at this point. Unfortunately, Brittany is a fighter LOL I'm not sure I like seeing myself in her. She has tantrums like a 3 year old and I have to discipline her now at 18. No matter how she resists me, I have to push her to make her own decisions, good or bad. And she will fight me all the way.

So I am hangin on to find out what's in store for me at the next turn.

The Life Of Riley...whoever that is

Allow me to introduce Checkers. Yes I caught him in the middle of something we all wish we could master. It must really be hard to sleep all day and wear yourself out licking.

If it is the life of Riley....Riley must be pretty damn happy!

The Old School

The days run into one another and I think, "gee, I haven't written on the ol blog for awhile," (yah, do we really believe I say "gee" even in my mind?) and then something comes up...usually when Cindy and I discuss some deep and pivotal topic, and I feel I MUST blog it. I could blog about things that have happened to me recently at work or the fact that I have just discovered medicaid/medicare will not pay for a yeast infection treatment but pays for viagra and all of the E.D. pills there are out for men. Nope. I am not going to blog about it.

I am a 42 year old woman who is lost in the past, it seems. The past where people respected each other and kids respected their parents AND parents respected their children. You know, the past where there were not cell phones, the internet, IPODS and droopy drawers. God, how I miss it and I know, it will never come back again. We've gone too far to turn around now.

I do have to say it's not all bad. The internet is a wonderful magical yet mystical place and I have to be oh so grateful for it. Life seems easier now in some areas due to the technology.

But easier does not mean better.

What has brought this attention to the good ole days, you ask? In February of 2009, and most people might know this, but I did not...TV as we once knew it will be over. No longer will TV be free. Not that many of us even have free tv anymore. So, no more antennae with foil. I laugh at the OLD DAYS when we all had to do this. I remember 3 channels and maybe PBS growing up. Is this really progress? Is it really freedom when the government and big business tells us how to live and make us pay for it. Cindy told me, "It won't be long and radio will follow." She is right, I am afraid to say. It really makes me wonder how things got so awfully out of hand.

The world is moving faster than ever. Everyone is in a hurry to get where they are going, and when you do that, you miss everything along the way. And there is so much that we've missed. I've always wished I could have lived long ago, listened to the radio and not had all of the conveniences. I guess maybe the older generations always feel this way when so-called progress happens.

All I know is, with the world moving so fast...I'd like to be a crock pot.

Take the time to enjoy the breeze.

Lost Outside My Mind

Well here I sit contemplating my life, such as it is...and wondering WHAT THE !@#$$. The majority of my life is so good, it's scary. Of course, that means Cindy. Enter Brittany.

This is an odd stage of her life and mine. Just when you think your child is moving on to another phase...you realize you are responsible for this too. I understand that this is the reason she is here with me...she needs this guidance.

Brittany is out of control. It's only getting worse. How do you reason with someone who is unreasonable and unreachable? Hell if I could answer that question, I'd be richer than I am today. It has come to the point where I cannot even talk to her without some sort of violent outburst. I made a suggestion to her about brushing her teeth longer...singing a song, etc...and she blew up, screaming at me. Later that night she tells me I made it sound like she had to do it. This tells me only her age and body have changed over the years. All of these things have been brewing. Her sense of reality is so far off the radar....there is no radar. It's all making me crazy. She has started slamming the doors harder and throwing things...this is where I draw the line. That being said....I know she has no where else to go and I cannot throw her out. But if she continues on this distructive path...she will have to go somewhere.

So...I have some calls into people to help me get some more immediate help for her. In the meantime....

I feel like screaming.

Peace