The Best Holiday Treat

I still wonder if I am dreaming or I am some old Twilight Zone episode...
Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, Brittany and I drove to see my mother. We were meeting at a mexican restaurant. My mom didn't know for sure Brittany was able to come, so it was an exciting moment when my mom walked in. We stood side by side and she grinned, "she looks just like you!" Brittany went to shake her hand and my mom said, "how about a hug!?" So they hugged and all I could do was smile and I about cried! So there we were, 3 generations. It was awesome, no matter what's happened before. We talked about so many things that suddenly almost 2 hours had gone by. She also gave me some old pictures of me as a child and they were funny to look through. We also talked about the goofy things I did, getting myself in trouble as a child. Brittany got a big kick out of that! I could have never dreamed things could go so well. We agreed that no more time should go by and I think we are grateful for the way things have happened. It feels so good and for the first time in twenty years, I feel complete having both my parents. This is the first holiday I've been able to see both of them and it's hard to describe how good it feels.

Brittany really likes her and I think it feels strange to her having another grandma. I think my mom really wanted to have this happen long ago and she, too, has missed out.

It just goes to show you never know how things will come to be. I am so thankful for it all.

The WOW Factor

It has been a WOW kind of year. It is beyond words...the good, the bad and the ugly.
Things still get better with my mom...those words alone I never thought I would put together into a sentence. We exchange cards and letters almost every week. She sends me things in the mail. It is apparent to me that she has really missed me over the years and was wanting this relationship. I still sit in amazement that it is going in this direction. My boss said something to me and I think it might be true. "Because you are standing by Brittany...she won't have that WOW factor."

I've also put in for a new job and I am hopeful. It's another $1/hr and the hours are better and it's more supervisory. I worked with one of my clients, Khyla, yesterday for my 2nd job that's called CDAC(consumer directed assistant care) where I do things around the house and with her that she is not capable of or needs help with(shopping, hygiene, chores around the house). I make over $11/hr doing that so anytime I can do it, I will. I have so much respect for Khyla's mom, as she is outspoken and does whatever she has to for her daughter. I think that is why we click so well. Khyla is a bit lower functioning but she is capable of so much, if she has the right motivation and guidance. I have been accused of expecting too much from my clients. I think we should all expect more and be challenged everyday. Alot of my clients were not challenged and other workers have said "well they've always been that way and there is nothing you can do about it." I beg to differ. Khyla's mom told me, "I want her challenged everyday to think for herself and do for herself, as much as she can." Khyla's mom has told me that since I've been working with Khyla, she is doing more and thinking more about what she should be doing, when I am not around. She told me, "she never ever did that before." So I can feel good about that.
I had a great conversation with Khyla's mom yesterday about Obama. Khyla and her family are black and I only mention this because of our conversation. I said "Isn't it great that he won?"
She says, "Yes I am glad he won, but more than that, I just fell in love with the MAN and I really don't care that he's black. If you are a good decent person, I don't care what color you are. And now people are saying that it's such an accomplishment because he's part white too. What the hell? Why does that make it an accomplishment? Big deal. For me, it's more about the man."

For me, that says it all.

I just hope he's for real.

IOWA even voted OBAMA....Iowa is always a republican state...that says alot right there.

That's my WOW factor for today.

Revelation Day

Here I sit, still in amazement that events have happened the way they have. Yesterday was a definite lesson in how important it is not to let time slip away.

Yesterday was the day my mother and Brittany were to meet for the first time. Brittany has a job now (YAY) so she had to work. I decided to go anyway, hoping this would give an opportunity for my mom and I to really talk. And did we ever. We spent 3 hours talking and sharing a meal, even had pie. Through all of our talking we discovered that my grandmother spent much of her time alive destroying our relationship and making sure we never spoke. My grandmother said awful hurtful things to my mother and told her flat out lies about me over the years, such as Brittany had AIDS and that was why she had so many problems and I graduated from college with a degree in Bowling which welfare paid for. I told my mother that just showed what she didn't know about AIDS since Brittany's problems are mental. The big one though was that I told her that my stepfather beat me and my brother and my mother too. When I was in high school, my grandmother got drunk and asked me if he ever "touched" me. I remember being shocked by the question and I said "no, of course not!" But she went on for years telling my mother all about being with a child abuser. So it's no wonder he doesn't want to see me. Hopefully that will change now, because he's really a good guy, especially to have to put up with all the bullshit.
My mother also bought a bracelet for Brittany and a journal book for Cindy. I think she loves Cindy which is something I never expected with the whole gay thing. I guess I am surprised she's so at ease with me being gay. She asked me questions and I answered them and it was so nice.
It's a lesson in communication and the lack thereof.

And guess who's moved back in? Yup. Brittany. I feel awful, but the kid didn't have anywhere to go because her latest roommates got drunk (even the 15yr old) and kicked her out. They even stole from her, what little she had. The people she originally moved in with didn't have the room any longer, so Brittany was crying and telling me she didn't have anywhere else to go. What could I do? Cindy is not happy about it, for sure, but there will be stipulations and conditions. At least she has a job. That is something anyway and I am going to help her get an apartment...like low income housing or something.

So all of this in one day.

I hope today is peaceful!

Just When I Thought I Could Breathe...

Posting twice in one weekend.....I must be mad. Actually I'm sort of beyond that now, but damned if I am not learning another one of life's lovely(sarcasm) lessons.
Brittany called me(what else?) and asked if I had boxes....as IF I didn't figure out what she wanted them for. Maybe I should be grateful she didn't ask to come back, but I know that wouldn't happen. I think, "okay, I'll bite." I ask her why and she tells me she is moving. I ask "where?" She tells me she is moving in with a boyfriend. I said "WHAT?" It's this same damn kid that's 15 and lives with his mom. I do not know if that is where she is moving or he is getting an apartment. Brittany has broken up with this kid at least 4 times and the last I knew she wasn't with anyone. I say this to her and she says, "I wasn't, til last night." Great.

Then she asks me, "What are you getting so mad about?"

Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's watching my disabled daughter make decisions that will only cause more trouble. Hmmm no that couldn't be it.

I guess I am grateful she is on birth control. I don't know if things have gotten bad with these people she's been living with and she has to have a place to go. I ask her, "how are you going to support yourself and make a living?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

This is hard to watch. I know there is not a thing I can do and I remember myself at that age thinking, "oh I'll think about it later." Now it just creeps me out. But Brittany is not like other kids her age making bad decisions. I think that I could deal with that a little better. Knowing how she comes to make these decisions drives me crazy. Brittany just wants to bounce from home to home...any place where she has no rules. Then I think...why would she have rules...she's an adult right? That's what everyone else thinks, but I know in her mind she is in no way an adult.

Where's my rum?

Blessings

I'm over with all the politics. I'm over with thinking of all the things that make me angry....let's just say for this entry, I'm over it.

For now, I am reflective of the things that have happened in my life this year. It seems like in the past, my whole world was revolved around finding my true love and until Cindy, that part of my life was always in turmoil. Now that I am settled, other parts of my life have taken center stage. Maybe it's because I am settled with Cindy that I've focused more on family. If someone would have told me at the beginning of the year that I would again have a relationship with my mother, I would have said, "yah whatever." Though I realize there is much to get through with my mother, it feels good to have her in my life again. Good, yet very surreal. My mother and I now exchange letters, cards and even recipes! I think she has missed me in her life and having someone to write to, talk to and see. Currently, we are planning to get together with Brittany. She has not met Brittany and I know she must be curious. In her last letter, she wrote, "Tell Cindy and Brittany, too, hello." Cindy certainly won her over and though 98% of my thought she would...I'm still not entirely sure what she thinks of me, so it's a big deal.

So I am counting my blessings for now. Brittany even came over apologizing for "everything" as she put it. She said she had been thinking of her whole life and felt sorry for things. Who knows how long this will last but I hope she can see things differently. She is anxious to meet her "grandma". It will be an interesting moment, that is for sure.

I know I could spend alot of time angry for the past 19 years of Brittany's life without her and my life without her, but I've put that aside. I know the person I was all those years ago and she had her reasons. I would not have made the same decision because I know the effect her decision had on my life. That being said, I know her decision made me a stronger person. The people that have abandoned me in my life only helped to strengthen my resolve, especially with all I've been through with Brittany. No one else can take credit for the good things that have happened to me. My core beliefs and the person I am today have alot to do with my mother and the way she raised me....but it's what you do with it that counts. I'm a different person than my mother. I am more outspoken and honest than she is. When I say honest, I mean forthcoming in letting people know what I think, what I feel. Too many times, I've not said what I feel or think and then the moment is gone.

Not to mention, I am RELENTLESS!

As a sidenote: Cindy and I are going to a psychic next Saturday, just for fun. I am anxious to hear what she has to say. People may say it's hokey(not pokey) but my coworker Amanda went and the things she told her are coming true in a creepy way.
I will keep both my readers updated!

Have a peaceful blessful day

The Ugliness of the "T" Word

While I am not the most politically involved person, I found myself curious about the Vice Presidential debate. Granted, I did not stick around for the entire thing and am so glad I didn't. Our country is in a mess. Who knows if we will ever recover. There is so much I don't understand and even more that I am at odds with. One thing though, that I understood loud and clear from both sides is our government holds no value for many of us as gay americans. Oh sure, like that's a new statement. It's not. If you are gay, you are good enough to pay taxes but not good enough to have the same rights as other so-called americans.

I had read about Palin's church and how they have a program to "pray away the gay" as I call it, so that already turned me off)though I've never been a Republican and never will I am sure. When I hear straight people say that dreaded T word (Tolerance), I just cringe. Others may feel that is the most appropriate word, but I think it's the ugliest nastiest word to use. I suppose black americans have felt the same their whole history. It's saying...I "tolerate" you but you are not good enough to be like me. It's like just "putting up" with someone because they are there. I guess I should not be so angry because it's something that will most likely never change. I guess I should feel good that the democrats want to "allow" civil rights to a same sex partnership but not marriage. As I have stated previously, I do not want marriage for myself but in no way do I think the government should be able to tell a person who they can be with or marry. Then Biden says that should be left up to "faith". That is where the whole thing goes awry for me. I can call myself "spiritually religious" and feel good about it. I told Cindy that the question should have been posed to both sides, "what if one of your children came to you and told you they were gay?" What would your response be? Maybe their answer would be the same. And maybe they would take a little more time to think before they "tolerate" us. I really believe that none of this should even be talked about in a political arena, but it has to be because we have no rights.

Maybe if children didn't have the straight world shoved down their throat from the beginning, it wouldn't be such a traumatic thing later on. Maybe then we all wouldn't have to waste half our lives living a life we were never meant to live.

They are tolerant of us. I beg to differ...I believe it is us that is tolerating them.

But why does it always have to be US vs. THEM?

Thank you. I have approved this message.

Life On The INSIDE

YES. Here is our new addition. ODIE is part standard schnauzer and part Miniature Poodle. He is 2 years old and adorable!
It's weird. It seems like forever since I've written. yah stuff happened. And it's still happening. Guess that's life for ya.
August was an odd month for me. I had planned to attend my 25th high school reunion. My friend and I were going to go until I got the invite saying it was $33/person. All this for mostly people I didn't know. There were over 800 people in my class and I maybe knew 5 well. None of which I've kept in much contact except for my friend Mariann, whom I've known since we were 12. So we decided to just hang out. She and her common law man LOL and Cindy and I. They had never met Cindy so it was a good opportunity.
Something else going on was about my mother. I'd written several times since I talked with her at my grandmother's memorial in May. There had been no response. But I kept writing. So the last time, I decided to email, which I got from the jokes my aunt had sent me. My mother lives in the same city I grew up in and hence, the same city where the reunion was. The first weekend I wanted to stop by and see her and she actually called me. It's the first phone call in over 20 yrs. It was awesome. So then the next weekend was the actual reunion weekend. I knew Cindy would be with me. I thought, well...might as well see if she is willing to meet Cindy. So I sent her another email the next week. She said she'd like to meet Cindy....BUT could she just meet us somewhere? I'm thinking this has more to do with my stepfather than anything. so we set it up to meet at a bar/grill called "THE FILLING STATION". Mariann ended up tagging along which I was not thrilled about. The girl does NOT take a hint well. It was nice introducing Cindy to her and funny to me that Mariann is really really gray and my mother says to me, "I suppose you dye your hair." I said, "no, I never have." I guess people think I should be totally gray by now!
So we had appetizers and tea and lemonade. My mother even asked how Cindy and I met and actually wanted to know. She made conversation and it was not awkward at all like I was expecting. I think she was even surprised herself. But that's my girl Cindy for you! She is a charmer.
Know what's the kicker? A few days later in the mail, Cindy and I both got cards from my mother saying what a good time she had and Cindy seems so nice and friendly! Who knows where it all will go, but it's a good thing and long overdue. I am trying to have Brittany and I venture there to meet some Saturday as I know she wants to meet her and vice versa.
So life seems pretty fair now. Brittany is going today for an appt for birth control. YAY. Finally. I just wish she didn't have to have it! LOL those days are gone.
Cindy and I are going on vacation soon to Cheyenne WY to a friend's wedding and then back to the cabin in Clear Lake IA. Odie is joining us, so THAT should be interesting!

Peace in the valley

From Hell to Fun in a Flash

What follows is a fun time for me.



On Sunday, June 29...I was going to head to Des Moines with 2 of my co-workers and 2 other women from another department to attend a conference on brain injury. So the 5 of us were taking a company car, a mini van. Now the agency paid for the gas going there and 2 hotel rooms, plus the registration fee for the seminar. Now I did not know the 2 women from the other department, but my coworkers did somewhat. One of the women, whom I will call Mandy is probably in her late 30s and quite a large woman(maybe 300-400lbs). She'd wanted to visit Pella, Iowa(a little town known for tulips and "a touch of Holland"). I, along with my coworkers spoke out against it. I stated that I did not feel we should make any other trips with a company vehicle/gas. Not to mention, the agency was paying for our time away from work. So then it was decided to skip it on the way there. Once we got to Des Moines, the 2 women, Mandy and Lisa, wanted to go to Red Lobster and charge the agency for their dinner. My 2 coworkers, Missy and Andrea agreed with me in that we did not want to go to Red Lobster as we could not afford it. Missy and Andrea talked about telling Mandy flat out that we could not go there, but when Mandy came to our room, they buckled. Andrea knows my personality and I think was depending on me spouting off. That's me, I am not shy about saying what I think. So I told Mandy we did not want to go to Red Lobster because we couldn't afford it and they could drop us off somewhere else if they wanted to go. No, they decided to go with us for chinese. Lisa did not like chinese and Mandy didn't like steak or beef (but likes pot roast...how messed up is that). So we discovered the chinese place did not have any american food so Lisa got cheesecake. Later she went to Texas road house and got a big meal that I would be surprised if she got that paid for since there is an approved dollar amount. Let me mention also that Mandy drove there to Des Moines and is a crazy ass driver. She never used a signal or even cruise control and was speeding. We were having a fit. We decided we were not going to let her drive on the way back.

So the next day, we had the seminar all day until 4pm. Andrea says to me, "I'm sure you won't have any trouble telling her she's not driving." LOL I said "no not at all." So I say to Mandy, "we think one of us should drive back." Mandy says "Oh I don't mind." She wasn't going to let me be nice about it. So I say "Well we mind." Mandy says to me jokingly, "So are you saying my driving scares you?" I hold up my thumb and forefinger just a little ways apart and say "just a little," and raise my forefinger wider. Missy and Andrea are dying laughing and Missy is actually turning red. Once we get to the van, Mandy turns to me saying, "well since I'm not driving can I still sit in the front?" (she gets car sick). So I say "sure". Then she barks, "are we still going to Pella because I know what I want and I can just get it and be done." I'm thinking...guess I better not piss her off too much. So we were overtaken and went to Pella with Missy driving.

Now...most everyone I work with at least in my department, knows I am gay. I kind of figured that these 2 women did not know. You know, I can't help but have a little fun with people whom I have to assume are uncomfortable with gayness. Of course the whole way I made several gay jokes, mostly at Missy's expense cuz it's fun...ya know talking about her hubby being gay blahblah blah...he isn't but it's fun and she was a good sport about it. But not once did I talk about myself being gay. So to break the tension I say to Mandy, "So if someone wanted to piss you off, they would make you a steak and make you sit in the back seat?" Mandy says, "yah pretty much" and laughs. Then out of the blue, Lisa belts out, "or send her a gay woman." LOL That was my clue that they did not have any idea. So I laugh and say "Aww, gay women won't hurt you none. They just sit back and crack gay jokes all day long." I can see the back of Missy's head bobbing from trying to hold in her laughter. Then Mandy says, "Oh well I don't think I know any gay women anyway, but I've known a couple of gay men." So I say, "Oh I know LOTS of gay women. Maybe I can introduce you." I was even laughing at myself. After our trip, Andrea said "I was thinking 'yah there's one in the car with you!" LMAO

Of course....I informed my boss of the fiasco and I think it won't go over well...but I decided I would make it fun and not let her ruin it. Plus my coworkers said they had more fun with just us. I guess I am known, especially at work, for being outspoken and maybe it's the work I do. If you don't speak up and say it, the moment is gone and people can run over you. My boss says I am animated...maybe I am.

I LIKE IT!

Have fun kids!

What Goes Around...

comes back to haunt you and damned if it doesn't teach you a valuable lesson about where you've been and where you're heading. The unknown...gee it's what I live for.

I'm now in an "Ahhhh" moment and I am careful not to enjoy it too much. I can see a change in Brittany now. No she is not back home, thank God. I have not even offered it if things get bad there only because I want her to deal with the choice she made. I have a suspicion that it will turn out not so good, but I hope I am wrong. The big news? She broke up with her 15 year old boyfriend. AND she is not pregnant. That is reason to celebrate. I think I may be able to get her to come around about getting on some birth control. I can now have decent conversations with her and she actually listens to me. She's come over here on her own to see me when she's upset. I think she may realize life ain't as peachy as she thought. Monday she starts a job through vocational rehab working 3 days per week.

I'm in the hunt for a new job, one that's in town. Driving over 30 miles to and from work and driving clients around when I get there...it's too much when they will only pay .34/mile. I've gotten a whopping .60 in two years for raises, plus even more paperwork. Of course, I enjoy my schedule now, working a 4 day week so I can skip one day of driving. Stay tuned!

Fun times to follow.
Peace
J

Clean Up on Aisle BRITTANY

Shoot, I need something industrial strength and commercial sized to clean up that mess. Brittany is now going to have to clean up her own messes now and a big part of me has thrown up my hands and said, "Hey kid, you're on your own." I am careful not to totally diss her because I could never do what my mother did and wait 20 years to find out if she learned life's lessons. Now, I am not saying my mother didn't have just cause...I think she just wanted a break from all the bullshit. Hell, I know the feeling. Nothing makes me understand my mother more than what's happened with Brittany.

Brittany called and came to visit earlier this week. We sat and talked and it was interesting. Granted, I was distressed(or disgusted) by the hickies on her neck blaring out at me like a foghorn, but I listened. She was telling me how her friends were falling to the wayside. "I thought I had it all figured out," she says. Hmmm, don't we all? I said, "welcome to Adultland." These people are actually helping her apply for food stamps and reapply for medical, etc. I felt good about that at least. Okay, I thought....maybe she was seeing what I've been saying. Or at the very least, there was hope. Then on Thursday I received this message on my cell phone (voice mail). "Hey you jerk, don't you ever call your fucking daughter?"

Okay...maybe I am totally old school, but I do not find the humor in that. I let Cindy listen to it and I told her that Brittany would tell me she was just joking. SHE should know I would NOT find that amusing. I had this feeling she was with Courtney but I can find nothing within me to think that's okay. But...if I think about Brittany's demeanor with me for her lifetime...most of her language to me has been terribly disrespectful. It makes me sick, because I know I didn't raise her that way. So Brittany calls me later and I attempted to talk to her and she says "I was just joking!" and then it was "Whatever" and Click. So I haven't heard from her since. I cannot imagine talking to anyone like that, even people I don't like.

Yesterday I totally cleaned her room and put the bed out in the shed. I also took what was left of her things and put them in a bin. I love looking at the room now. Just a bookcase a cabinet and the treadmill I'm getting back on come Monday. So as I am cleaning said room, what do I find under her bed? A condom. Still packaged thank GOD. After that, I had more rum and coke. The thought of it makes me EWWWWW. But I told myself that I should be glad she had it...but then again, she left it. UGH. I think whomever invented rum and coke...especially rum, must have had a daughter. It's a beautiful thing. The rum that is.

As for me, I am not sure I mentioned that I got to see my mother on May 30. Was it strange, too. Somehow, as much as her voice was always in my head, I'd forgotten what it actually sounded like. I went to her first and she hugged me right away and we had a nice nice talk. I feel liberated somehow. True, there is much to get through, but somehow someway, my grandmother brought us together.

Here's to RUM. YAY

Who Knew?

Yes, it's me. Long lost me. There's so much to tell, I'm not sure where to begin. Our sweet loving dog Cody is gone now. It seems impossible that he's not here. We discovered he had a massive tumor and he being 12 years old was not a candidate for surgery. Cindy decided she just wanted to keep him comfortable. A few days later, he threw up clotted blood, so we knew it was time to make that horrifying decision. My God...I don't remember crying so hard as we were with him at that moment. It was so fast and peaceful for him. He gave us kisses before it happened, I think, to let us know he was ready. I think the hardest part is not seeing him when I open the door and at treat time. Knowing he is at peace and not suffering makes it okay.

Brittany...well, she finally graduated May 25th. And 2 days later, she moved out. I gave her a small party on Sunday and then she spent the night with her friend Courtney, came home on Monday (memorial day) and left to go to her boyfriend's father and stepmother's house. This boyfriend is 15 and has been kicked out of school for hitting a teacher or threatening one. I just shake my head. She never came home that night, no call, nothing. Then Tuesday after a couple of phone calls, Brittany finally calls me to say she is moving out. These people invited her to move in. She's known them maybe a couple of months. These people have no clue and neither does Brittany. But, like she told me, "you can't stop me." She was right, I cannot. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I've worked my ass off to get things right for her, to get her started and now here we are. So, I am letting go and letting her find out for herself. She has called me several times, all happy and giddy, expecting me to feel the same way. She has come over here acting like she's at a slumber party. I've already reminded her..."hey you made your decision, so you are going to have to figure it out yourself."

Even BIGGER news is...I received a birthday card from my mother! I've been writing to her more since my grandmother passed away in January. I never knew if she was reading them. My brother told me she called him and talked about it, so then I knew she was. So May 30th was my grandmother's memorial service and I saw her for the first time in over 19 years. I made the first move and went over to her and she hugged me and even introduced me as her daughter to some people I didn't know. Then afterwards we all went to the MOOSE (lodge) for sandwiches and we sat and talked and talked. She hugged me when she left saying it was good to see me, talk to me and that she was reading my letters. It's almost like a dream and seems crazy. Maybe time heals the wounds. I feel like a part of me is waking up that has been asleep for so long. I knew I couldn't give up...though I had my doubts it would ever happen. I was not a great young adult and caused her the grief that I am feeling now with Brittany. But boy have I learned alot. However it will pan out...it's how it's supposed to be. Good things come from bad things sometimes.

Ps. Happy BELATED birthday kmae(since we have the same one!)

Love and peace

Where Oh Where...

is the respect? I know I am looking for something that doesn't exist too often with kids today. It's even more than just respect, it's having a real conversation.

I am lost.

I wish I knew where to go with Brittany now. Whenever I talk to her, all she says is "whatever, whatever." Walking out while I am talking, the awful things she says. I am on the verge of kicking her out everyday. What's worse, there's nowhere for her to go. Yet, she does not think of this. She is due to graduate in May. It is not even in her mind that school will be done and it's time to move on into adultland. How in the world am I to wake her up to start thinking about where to go from here.

And now the worst of it is, everything I've been working on for her for the past year is now on hold for who knows how long. All I know is that I cannot continue to live this way and neither can Cindy.

I am sure Brittany and I will come to blows this weekend. I don't understand it all. I don't get where it all came from. Her hygiene is awful and she doesn't seem to care about it. I know I taught her the importance of these things, yet at 19 I have to ask her if she's taken care of these things and she doesn't care if she does it or not. Brittany yelled at me once to not treat her like my clients, but I told her that at least they know their responsibilities and take care of them.

Ahhh

No Thanks, I Prefer The INSANITY...

Yes, life is never calm for too long. I guess it's not supposed to be. In the past week, I've realized just how different my life is and will always be from my daughter's. I guess I have a strange sort of existence from others with children ready to graduate from high school. Other 18-19 year olds are not as dependent on their parents as Brittany is on me. No matter how much I try or the many ways I try to help her to move away from me, especially emotionally...I end up walking backwards in the sand.

Brittany has a couple of "friends" that I just know in my heart are NOT her friends and awful influences, and last week was my lifetime "moment of truth" movie. I told Brittany that now that the weather was getting warmer, she could walk to school. Sunday night, she was angry with me because I said, NO she could not use my computer and refused to talk to me all night. Monday morning, I thought, I am not going to wake her or try to get her up. It's her responsibility. I don't usually get her up, but I knew she didn't realize the whole thing was starting Monday. I never said a word to her and left at 7am. I get to work and call home at 8:30am, no answer, so I figured she was at school. At 12:30pm I get a call from the school saying she is absent today. Through some deducing, I find out Brittany's "friend" courtney is absent. Courtney is 15 and just a terrible influence as she knows Brittany's mentality is less than hers. I assume they are skipping school at Courtney's house, so I leave a message, at least so Brittany will know that I knew what she was up to. I kept calling home, and no answer. Meanwhile Cindy is getting off of work unusually early. Apparently, she came home to Brittany and Courtney wrecking havoc in the house all day, leaving a trail of messes wherever they went. Cindy lost it and there was yelling, etc. I've only seen Cindy mad maybe twice in 3 years. She attempted to kick Courtney out of the house. As she told me the story, I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of kicking someone out of your house and then offering them a ride home LMAO. But Brittany and Courtney left together. Brittany always leaves. She came back at 10 pm and wanted to talk which shocked me. So we talked and she knew what she'd done was bad. Plus, Courtney's parents have talked Brittany into learning about their church and attending a class. They are Baptist. Yay. Brittany stated to me that she talked to Courtney's mom about my "negativity". Courtney's mom apparently told Brittany that the reason I have issues with it is because of my "lifestyle choices." Hmmm, reeeeeaaaalllly.

I reminded Brittany that C's mom does not know me, and has never even really met me, yet she is judging me. I asked Brittany to ask C's mom how she feels about her choice to be straight.

Okay all of that aside, we worked it out. So Tuesday I got to work, plugging away on paperwork and I get a phone call from the school. The DEAN of students. He tells me Brittany was caught the week before with her "friends" vandalizing the girls' bathroom. Have I totally gone insane?
He said he didn't think that she was directly doing it, but she was with them, making her guilty. She got an in school suspension.

The bottom line here is that she just cannot see how they talk her into bad things, treat her badly and god knows what else. I suppose it's no different than any of us at that age. Brittany is not strong enough to say no, that's wrong, and walk away. Why? Because she wants the friendship, or supposed friendship and knows they would not include her if she said no.

It's hard to fight against that. Especially when you are Brittany.

Remind me again why this is supposed to be this way?

The Dangling Carrot...

Hello my 2 readers! Sorry it's been so long. It's really been difficult to find something to write about. Actually, it's hard to pick. Sometimes, my life seems so damn crazy between work, home and the kid, I feel like I am twirling in the vortex of a tornado. I hope I land soon. For now, I will discuss my favorite topic: The Government. More specifically, SOCIAL SECURITY and DISABILITY.

Now I have my own issues because I cannot get Brittany on disability because even at an IQ of 73, she is not "severe enough" according to their standards. I want her to have a little assistance because she is in no way able to care for herself and have the responsibilities that a regular 19 year old has. That aside, the following rant has to do with one of my clients.

Mike is 38 years old and his IQ is probably in the 60s. He has a form of Autism along with being MR(mental retardation). I just adore him. He makes me smile even when I am tired and having a rotten day. I see him and he smiles that big smile and says, "Oh Julie, there you are! Do you see me smiling at you? It's cuz I'm happy to see you!" I recently heard him tell a clerk, "I always smile when I'm with Julie." Now how can I feel bad?

In an earlier post, I relayed the story of how Soc Security, 3 years ago sent Mike a back payment of at least $1500. His worker at the time set it aside, knowing they would be asking for it back. Sure enough, that's what happened, so she sent the money back. Then last year, they wrote Mike saying he had never paid it back. We found the receipt that said "keep this for your receipt". The woman who does payee services argued with Soc Security because even though they had cashed his check, they didn't care if he had a receipt. Finally it was resolved. Turns out the federal office and the local office did not communicate with each other. Gee, imagine that.
NOW here it is, 2008. Suddenly, I get a letter for Mike stating that he is owed a back payment since 1997 for cost of living increase. By the time I got the letter, over $4700 was deposited into his checking account. A bit leary of this, I have made several calls to soc security and 4 calls later, it is being investigated and is being thought to be a mistake. While I was secretly hoping this money was his, I had a bad feeling. This was because the letter stated that soc sec had stopped paying someone on this record. Mike is the only one on his record. Even Soc Sec did not know what it was about.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Then I started thinking. This is not the first time it's happened to Mike and not the first time it's happened to one of our clients. These are the people who are the most vulnerable and cannot advocate for themselves most often. If I had allowed him to spend the money and then a few months later, they came back to say, 'oh WE made a mistake, so now YOU owe US', he could not pay that back. Then what happens is that they start taking the repayment out of his current disability. This is a total trap of the worst kind. If I had not made a nuisance out of myself, as I almost always do, no one would know it was a mistake. It makes me so angry. Mike will never be able to work in a job to support himself due to his disabilities, yet he has to be as independent as he is capable of being.

When will our government take responsibility for its own mistakes? Maybe do some extra work so you DON'T make the mistake in the first place and don't make the very people you say you are helping pay the price for your inability to do your job.

I'm telling you, Mike has a helluva lot more brains than those people.

I reserve the right to climb back on my soapbox at a later ranting.

Peace and Common Sense
J

The Art of Becoming Human...again

It's been 3 years since I've seen this tree, but I love looking at it. I was visiting Cindy and we hiked a trail through the woods near Indian Lake Park, not far from here. I think back to those simple times when all I could think of was being with Cindy and soaking up every last second with her before I had to go back home.

Simple.

I think we've lost the ability to be simple. I watch people and it's kind of distressing how no one really talks to anyone anymore, face to face, without interruptions. People are always on the phone. If it's not attached to our hand, it's on our ear. Those blue tooth things looks so strange, like some kind of growth on your ear. In a world of mass technology, where do we fit in? How can we be simple again...or even human?

We are all at war and not just in other countries, but within ourselves. It's a fight against others telling us how to live, who we should love, who we should marry, what God to love and who to hate. Those who have the most money WINS! But what do we win? Hell, you can't take it with you. And more importantly, what have we lost?

So for me, I want to be human lover, not a hater.

The REAL Final Frontier

Death. I stare at the word and even the letters that make up the word have some kind of aura. For those couple of people who read my blog, it may appear as if I am talking about death too much. I probably am, but now it is ever present on my mind.

January 8th was Cindy's and my 3 year anniversary! YAY! Well we decided to get away this past weekend and go to Ames, Iowa and take Brittany along the way to stay with my aunt. There is a to die for BBQ place there and good shopping. Plus, it's where I graduated from college and it's nice to go back. So Saturday we drove to drop Brittany off at my aunt's house and left for Ames, outside of Marshalltown, IA. Cindy and I checked into our hotel, then did some shopping and went to clog our arteries with BBQ. After we finally fit out the door, we went to the mall to walk around. While at Penny's I got the call. It said it was from my grandma June, but somehow I knew the moment had come for her. Yep, it was my aunt(on my mother's side, not the one Brittany was staying with). She said that my grandmother had just passed away a little while ago. For the past few months, my grandmother had been talking about death quite alot, stating she was just waiting for her time to go. She would have been 90 years old this year. It's hard to fathom those numbers.

So Cindy and I decided to stay an extra day as there was to be a "family viewing" Monday(yesterday) at 1pm. As in my last entry, I've stated how I cannot handle viewing the body and it's better for me not to. Well, I knew that I would have to on this day, as there was to be no memorial service until June or July. The other part of this is about my mother. My mother probably had not seen her own mother in 6 months and barely called her. It's been 19 years since I've seen my mother and I have always had this moment in my head that I would finally see her at my grandmother's funeral. Could someone be so cold to their own mother, even in death?

Yes. My mother did not show up for the visitation, though she lives 3 hours away. The same distance that I do. In fact, as of Saturday evening, she hadn't bothered to call my brother in Colorado to tell him...though she called other people not even closely related to her. I called my brother Saturday evening to tell him. I feel sad for my mother in a way, even though she did this to herself. I heard the whispers about how my mother hasn't even seen her only grandchild. My aunt stated, "well she is the one that has to live with herself." and it's true. To say I don't understand my mother would be the understatement of the century. Obviously, she holds a strong grudge against her own mother also, one that is wasted. So much has been wasted, not the least of all, time.

If there is one thing I've learned from my mother, it's becoming the person she's not.

Death and the Girlfriend

Death. It's so final. There's no more sunny skies, no more enjoying all that waking up everyday has to give you. I guess that is the most difficult part for me to imagine. Maybe once I get older I will become more at peace with the notion, but right now, it boggles my mind.

Thursday was my friend Julie's visitation. Since she was in the military for 21 years, she received a full military funeral. She deserved that, without question. For me, I cannot deal with seeing the body of someone I know and cared about. I know that many people need to see that body so they know they are really gone and to say their goodbyes. I am not one of those people. From the time I was young and went to my first funeral, I've had visions. Yes, I see dead people. Not psychic visions or anything that exciting...but for the few visitations I've been to, that is the picture in my mind for a long time afterward. It's just too much. I would much rather remember that person as they were in their glory...not lying in a casket. So I chose not to go to the visitation, but the funeral instead. Cindy said she wished I was there...but I don't.

So the funeral was Friday. What a beautiful service it was. Julie was the ultimate lesbian. Many of her old girlfriends showed up and people I've known from "the pack". Julie was the 'love'em and leave'em' type for sure, but there were a select few that meant the world to her. She lived for lust and when that got old, she moved on. But I have to believe she was very happy in the last year and a half with her girlfriend Jeanie. I had to smile when I saw the huge turnout because I knew Julie was watching and loving every damn minute...knowing all the attention she was getting.

From the time this all happened to Julie, I've been concerned about how Julie's girlfriend would be treated. Afterall, she was the one who found Julie, the one who called 911 and most especially, the one in Julie's life. I thought maybe since Julie's sister, T(Cindy's ex), is also gay, that she would understand and not push her aside like she meant nothing. But I was wrong. So T and another friend Julie(who was Julie's ex GF and the one she was still the closest to) went to Texas to take her off life support. They made all these arrangements, I'm sure with the help of the military, and I never heard a word about Jeanie.

I really did not approve of the way this funeral home was set up for Julie's funeral. The family was set up in one room and friends and others in another room adjacent to it. So we were separated from the family and could not see the family. Oh there was a tv screen that people in the back could probably see, but it just felt wrong. What was even more wrong was that Jeanie sat with us. Some friends of ours let them sit in the front row out of respect, but she should have been in with the family. I started thinking that if something happened to Cindy right now, this is where I would be delegated...to the friend room. The problem I have is that there were other "friends" there in the family room. Who was closer to Julie than her girlfriend? Jeanie was not even mentioned as a CLOSE friend in the obituary or the little pamphlet that was handed out when we walked in.

I said to Cindy how wrong this was and told her, "Julie sure as hell wouldn't take a back seat to anyone!" Cindy laughed and said, "Hell no, she wouldn't."

As far as we've come...I wonder if we'll always be in the friend room...