Changes have been plenty and sometimes I fear I've been lost in the shuffle. Now that the holiday season is amoung us, I have to sit up and take notice. I do this by looking back and reflecting on where I've been, where I am today and where I want to be. Sometimes these things are the same or overlap.
November 10, 2009, I was asked to step down from my position of "lead Staff" of the house I managed with 3 young women who are developmentally disabled...but higher functioning. To anyone who has read my not-so-recent blogs regarding my "whistleblowing activities" is up to speed on this. Granted, I did have some paperwork that was not completed. In the summer, I was written up on this and I corrected it. From then until November 10, there was nothing brought up to me. This being said however, I believe it was early August when I went to the director of the agency to inform him of wrongdoings reported to me by 3 different staff members from the site next door, which also held 3 clients. I was assured that there was a policy on "no retaliation" and yet I know that confidentiality was broken regarding me being the one who did the reporting. I reported this break to my supervisor's boss.
So fast forward to November 10: I was not technically fired...I was offered 2 different positions that were clearly demotions. Parents of the clients even fought for me in protest, which, I have to feel good about. I chose to resign because I could not bring myself to work for these people any longer. They are backstabbing and vindictive and they covered their tracks well so it would not look like what it really was. So, hey...fine. I do have another job as a back up, where I work independently with clients and I am paid through Medicaid, making a lot more money. I knew I had this to back me up and I would have more time to build up more of a client base. I didn't go out yelling and screaming, becoming that disgruntled employee...although I very easily could have taken that route. I requested an exit interview, took in my notes of what I thought was wrong and let it spill out, very calmly and cooly, I might add. Ranting and raving rarely gets your point across. So after almost 4 years, I was finished and grateful for my decision.
My concern is for the clients that get left behind. What has been done to them is unfair. I've been told by higher up people "oh the clients are used to people coming and going in their lives." Bullshit. I do not buy that for a minute, because we, as human beings, full of emotion and in most cases heart(those who actually have one) never get used to people coming and going in our lives. I recognize the impact I've had on the clients I've worked with. No, I am not bragging or blowing my own horn, but I have seen the progress they have made. Once that happens, they feel damn good about doing better and learning from where they've been. So of course, they understand and form bonds with the very people that spend every day with them through the ups and downs. DUH! It sure as hell ain't the so-called supervisors and managers. It's not the supervisors that teach and care about them. What those people care about is money.
Oh yah. It's a business.
In this case, what is cared about what getting rid of someone who "ruffled" too many feathers. I didn't even recognize this at first, but it all fits together nicely for them.
You know, I'm really okay with my decision. What was hard to take was knowing how difficult this has been on the ladies. One client, I shall call her "C", is very sensitive and has an anxiety disorder. She and I had formed a bond and that is what helped her get through. Oh she was so frustrating at times but she ultimately learned that she alone is responsible for her own happiness or sadness. When I learned I was done, I went back to the house to get my things, C just fell into my arms sobbing and sobbing....which made me do the same, of course. I will never forget that scene. My EX supervisor has told C that she cannot talk about me or have any contact with me. It was C's mom who went to bat for me in protest, though it fell on deaf ears. C's mom called me that night in disbelief. So in the interim process, I called the supervisor that I was going to "think" about it, though I never had any intention of it. If the protest worked, then I would go back out of obligation. So when it didn't come about, I resigned officially. But C's mom called me again and we must have talked for a hour and before we hung up, she says, "Oh I love you, girl!" She is a sweet woman and has had a difficult time with her daughter...and if anyone knows about that, I DO! So...C and other clients are being told, still, they cannot have any contact with me. I can understand this in some ways, because it can help them move on. That being said, I feel there is a different way to do this to help the ladies, especially C. I admit, it's not only the ladies that have the bond. Why not take this bond and use it for something good? Why not give them the support of someone who genuinely cares and is not being "paid" to care? So, I've taken another approach and shown up in public places where I know C is. The first time I did this, she saw me and came running into my arms "JULIE!" We talked and talked and she said "you made my day!" So I've told her that I may just show up somewhere now and then to see her. Today, I received a Christmas card from her! Now that made my day. While I was still working there, I brought my new favorite movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" to watch. C loved it and so I always tell C the quote "You never know what's comin' for you." In the card, today she wrote, "you're right, you never know what's coming for you." It touches me so and I have to feel good. Things have changed at the house, the "supervisors" have come in and changed the ladies' routine and done things differently than I did. That was not necessary and they should have had at least something to count on. Now the 21 year old(now 22) called me the other day as I was a bit daring and sent her a birthday card with my number. She called me crying and crying(she's not a crier) about how awful things were now and it didn't feel like home anymore. It is difficult knowing there is nothing I can do except be supportive and give her someone to talk to.
I've learned over the past 15 or so years that I've been doing this how to work with clients. ALOT of humor and goofiness goes a long way and not ordering them to do things. The most important thing is treating them as adults, not children...giving them respect.
Oh yah. It's a business.
Guess what supervisors and managers: You wouldn't have a business if it weren't for THEM.
Peace!
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Rewards Better Than The ALMIGHTY dollar
Sorry to both my followers that I've been out so long. There's so much to write about some days, it's hard to decide. Tonight, however, I can't help but write.
Several times per year, an organization named PARTNERS (formerly ARC(association for retarded citizens) ) holds dances for persons with disabilities. Of course, the clients I work with always go and look forward to each event. Back in september, I went to a dance, basically because I was working and all 3 of my clients were going. So I was sitting there watching the clients form the train while the dj played "Locomotion", thinking that my ole fishing buddy Mike would love this. He went to every dance and got his picture in the paper several times, leading the train. In a moment, I looked up and I couldn't believe my eyes! It was MIKE! He came over to me the minute he saw me. "Julie! I'm happy to see you, are you happy to see me? You missed my face didn't you?" Thinking of it now, makes me smile. Mike sat down with me and we talked and caught up on things. He looked good, laughing and smiling and talking about his favorite subject: fishing! Mike asked me to dance several dances and then he told me that his sister brought him. I went to talk to his sister and she hugged me and said she was glad to see me. She also told me "Mike was never better than he was when you worked with him. He sure loves you." It was very sweet and it made me remember just how much Mike got to me and how important and special our "relationship" was and is. To know that he is doing well now did my heart good. His sister said that she has been arguing with her siblings about being there for Mike and this turned out to be a good thing that he was sent somewhere else.
TONIGHT: Tonight was the Halloween Dance. I stopped by after working my 2nd job because I had a feeling Mike might be there. He was and 2 sisters were there. They both smiled when they saw me and Mike asked me to dance so many dances. He's a dancin fool that man! His sister even made his costume (a turtle) which won a prize! Oh it was great seeing him again and he told me he is doing well.
I also ran into a case manager that I worked with when I was a case worker before I was promoted in January. She said, "I thought you left completely! What are you doing now?" So I explained that I was managing a "waiver site" home with 3 clients and was promoted in January. She told me "You were so good. You always had good ideas and you were always great with the clients. I am so glad you are still here. You're so good at what you do and that's why you were promoted." I have to take a moment and feel proud, not just of what I've accomplished, but for all the clients I've worked with. Yah there are times when I wished I would do something else, felt burnt out and done with all of it, but it helps me to know there is some purpose for what I do and maybe it's a good thing to make a difference. It's the teaching part that I love. Not everyone can do it, but those that do must give it all you have.
Otherwise why bother doing anything?
Look for something more valuable than money....it will last longer.
Several times per year, an organization named PARTNERS (formerly ARC(association for retarded citizens) ) holds dances for persons with disabilities. Of course, the clients I work with always go and look forward to each event. Back in september, I went to a dance, basically because I was working and all 3 of my clients were going. So I was sitting there watching the clients form the train while the dj played "Locomotion", thinking that my ole fishing buddy Mike would love this. He went to every dance and got his picture in the paper several times, leading the train. In a moment, I looked up and I couldn't believe my eyes! It was MIKE! He came over to me the minute he saw me. "Julie! I'm happy to see you, are you happy to see me? You missed my face didn't you?" Thinking of it now, makes me smile. Mike sat down with me and we talked and caught up on things. He looked good, laughing and smiling and talking about his favorite subject: fishing! Mike asked me to dance several dances and then he told me that his sister brought him. I went to talk to his sister and she hugged me and said she was glad to see me. She also told me "Mike was never better than he was when you worked with him. He sure loves you." It was very sweet and it made me remember just how much Mike got to me and how important and special our "relationship" was and is. To know that he is doing well now did my heart good. His sister said that she has been arguing with her siblings about being there for Mike and this turned out to be a good thing that he was sent somewhere else.
TONIGHT: Tonight was the Halloween Dance. I stopped by after working my 2nd job because I had a feeling Mike might be there. He was and 2 sisters were there. They both smiled when they saw me and Mike asked me to dance so many dances. He's a dancin fool that man! His sister even made his costume (a turtle) which won a prize! Oh it was great seeing him again and he told me he is doing well.
I also ran into a case manager that I worked with when I was a case worker before I was promoted in January. She said, "I thought you left completely! What are you doing now?" So I explained that I was managing a "waiver site" home with 3 clients and was promoted in January. She told me "You were so good. You always had good ideas and you were always great with the clients. I am so glad you are still here. You're so good at what you do and that's why you were promoted." I have to take a moment and feel proud, not just of what I've accomplished, but for all the clients I've worked with. Yah there are times when I wished I would do something else, felt burnt out and done with all of it, but it helps me to know there is some purpose for what I do and maybe it's a good thing to make a difference. It's the teaching part that I love. Not everyone can do it, but those that do must give it all you have.
Otherwise why bother doing anything?
Look for something more valuable than money....it will last longer.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Lifestyles of the Whistleblowers and the Mess They Leave Behind...
Yah it was me that blew the whistle, though I was only the messenger. I reported what was told to me...though if I would have seen any of it, I'd be the first one to report. My "tangled web" post tells the sordid tale of wrongdoing. So here is an update:
A subsequent investigation was done, people were talked to and alas "nothing substantial" was found. My boss and her "friend", the other lead staff person were suspended while the investigation was going on, but of course they both still have their jobs. I think it was just too long ago that it happened, it was too hard to prove. The effects of this are apparent as changes are being made to prevent it from happening again. So there is some good coming from it. I always believe people will end up hanging themselves...Karma will get you in the end.
Part 2 of this saga is interesting.
Before I was promoted I had a coworker that seemed like a friend, at least while at work. She was promoted also, higher than I was. Since then she has treated me badly, in her tone, her attitude and all around demeanor. Since I reported all of this, she was not to know, it's confidential. A couple days ago, she came to see me for something at work and basically let me know that she KNEW it was me that reported it. There is a "no retaliation" policy at work and she told me that, quite snottily. So I decided to talk to my boss's boss who told me to come to her if I felt anything bad happening from this whole ordeal. She was in shock but said she would take care of this. So then she(my co worker) calls me, ordering me to bring in some paperwork...very nasty.
It's a Peyton Place.
I don't want it to be said that I regret what I did. I am a firm believer in reporting what you think is wrong. If you don't, you are just as guilty. If it's true or not, makes no difference.
Nobody ever got anywhere by being silent.
A subsequent investigation was done, people were talked to and alas "nothing substantial" was found. My boss and her "friend", the other lead staff person were suspended while the investigation was going on, but of course they both still have their jobs. I think it was just too long ago that it happened, it was too hard to prove. The effects of this are apparent as changes are being made to prevent it from happening again. So there is some good coming from it. I always believe people will end up hanging themselves...Karma will get you in the end.
Part 2 of this saga is interesting.
Before I was promoted I had a coworker that seemed like a friend, at least while at work. She was promoted also, higher than I was. Since then she has treated me badly, in her tone, her attitude and all around demeanor. Since I reported all of this, she was not to know, it's confidential. A couple days ago, she came to see me for something at work and basically let me know that she KNEW it was me that reported it. There is a "no retaliation" policy at work and she told me that, quite snottily. So I decided to talk to my boss's boss who told me to come to her if I felt anything bad happening from this whole ordeal. She was in shock but said she would take care of this. So then she(my co worker) calls me, ordering me to bring in some paperwork...very nasty.
It's a Peyton Place.
I don't want it to be said that I regret what I did. I am a firm believer in reporting what you think is wrong. If you don't, you are just as guilty. If it's true or not, makes no difference.
Nobody ever got anywhere by being silent.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Face(Book)ing Your Past
Ahhh Facebook. Isn't it the most wonderful thing? Yes, I succumbed to the pressure of joining god knows how many others on this vast universe of internet go-ers.
Facebook is odd. **GASP** yah, I said it.
I recently found my first boyfriend. Ahh I was 21 and he was 16. If ONLY I knew then what I know now...LOL if HE only knew then what I am guessing he knows now! I say first boyfriend, and he was the first real so-called relationship I had. He has been married twice, has 3 kids, mostly grown now. One of them actually has the same birthdate as Brittany, only a year younger. I think I saw him when Brittany was a baby. It is weird. I think about myself back then....how I could have been stuck with this life...with him. Not that he was bad, but he wasn't all that great. A cheater. He struck up a chat with me on facebook and said "careful what you say. SHE gets on here under my name alot." WHAT? Whatever that's about, I don't care. If his wife only knew she had absolutely nothing to fear from me...the one old girlfriend she should be happy about LOL I saw a picture of his wife and let me just say.....OMG I am sure she is older than he is and maybe there was such slim pickens for him. I dunno. I guess and old girlfriend who turned out to be a flaming lesbian ain't so bad! She has a resemblence to Susan Boyle, although Susan looks MUCH better. In a way, I wish Susan had not gotten a makeover....but I digress.....
One thing that bores me about Facebook PEOPLE is that they want SO damn bad for you to accept them as your "friend" but then they never talk to you again! So I've been deleting those people. Seems like alot of my family is on facebook now. That is pretty interesting....I like having that access.
I don't understand MAFIA WARS that everyone is playing. I don't get FARMVILLE. And what's the point of sending drinks to someone...I want the real thing dammit. Hearts and Hugs...oooh collect them all!
KMAE....look me up, YOU I will always talk to! YAY!
Peace to Everyone!
Facebook is odd. **GASP** yah, I said it.
I recently found my first boyfriend. Ahh I was 21 and he was 16. If ONLY I knew then what I know now...LOL if HE only knew then what I am guessing he knows now! I say first boyfriend, and he was the first real so-called relationship I had. He has been married twice, has 3 kids, mostly grown now. One of them actually has the same birthdate as Brittany, only a year younger. I think I saw him when Brittany was a baby. It is weird. I think about myself back then....how I could have been stuck with this life...with him. Not that he was bad, but he wasn't all that great. A cheater. He struck up a chat with me on facebook and said "careful what you say. SHE gets on here under my name alot." WHAT? Whatever that's about, I don't care. If his wife only knew she had absolutely nothing to fear from me...the one old girlfriend she should be happy about LOL I saw a picture of his wife and let me just say.....OMG I am sure she is older than he is and maybe there was such slim pickens for him. I dunno. I guess and old girlfriend who turned out to be a flaming lesbian ain't so bad! She has a resemblence to Susan Boyle, although Susan looks MUCH better. In a way, I wish Susan had not gotten a makeover....but I digress.....
One thing that bores me about Facebook PEOPLE is that they want SO damn bad for you to accept them as your "friend" but then they never talk to you again! So I've been deleting those people. Seems like alot of my family is on facebook now. That is pretty interesting....I like having that access.
I don't understand MAFIA WARS that everyone is playing. I don't get FARMVILLE. And what's the point of sending drinks to someone...I want the real thing dammit. Hearts and Hugs...oooh collect them all!
KMAE....look me up, YOU I will always talk to! YAY!
Peace to Everyone!
The Tangled Web...
Gosh, it's been quite awhile since I've written. Now I've got a doozy....
I've been working in my chosen field for almost 15 years now, working with developmentally disabled and lord knows how I love those people. I've seen alot....good and bad. It's the good that keeps me coming back. Somehow I always get roped into calling out the people who do the bad.
So recently, I've had 3 different staff members come to me and talk to me about another employee's (and in addition, my boss ) misuse of client money and verbal abuse. How it makes me ill. Of course, these things happened who knows how long ago....within the past year, but they could still be going on. Client's paying for staff's groceries, lunches...god knows what else. Not to mention my boss verbally abusing clients. So I did what I had to do...what others SHOULD have done long ago. I went to the director of the agency and reported it. Like other places, there is a "click" in management that has covered up these things. So I did not follow chain of command. Soon there will be an investigation and who knows what will happen. I am not sure anything can be proven at this late date, but at least people know now, who will do something. Evil is all over...even when people are pretending they are doing good.
I guess that's the most evil of all.....
I've been working in my chosen field for almost 15 years now, working with developmentally disabled and lord knows how I love those people. I've seen alot....good and bad. It's the good that keeps me coming back. Somehow I always get roped into calling out the people who do the bad.
So recently, I've had 3 different staff members come to me and talk to me about another employee's (and in addition, my boss ) misuse of client money and verbal abuse. How it makes me ill. Of course, these things happened who knows how long ago....within the past year, but they could still be going on. Client's paying for staff's groceries, lunches...god knows what else. Not to mention my boss verbally abusing clients. So I did what I had to do...what others SHOULD have done long ago. I went to the director of the agency and reported it. Like other places, there is a "click" in management that has covered up these things. So I did not follow chain of command. Soon there will be an investigation and who knows what will happen. I am not sure anything can be proven at this late date, but at least people know now, who will do something. Evil is all over...even when people are pretending they are doing good.
I guess that's the most evil of all.....
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Mike the Fisherman
I'm taking some time today talk about my favorite fishing buddy. I worked with Mike for 3 years and he was someone I'll never forget. Yes, Mike was developmentally disabled and also autistic. Mike's passion will always be fishing. Mike and I would always talk about fishing...all year round believe it or not. He knew so much about fishing. If someone pulled a fish out of the water, he knew exactly what kind of fish it was. He had all kinds of new sayings I always adopted. He would say "Oh I specks and 'spose everyone will be down at the river." He had a bunch of fishing buddies that he always fished with, they would look out for each other. It was like a 2nd family to Mike and I really understood what drew him down there. I was lucky enough to meet them and they took me in too whenever I would go fishing with Mike.
To work on Mike's and my "relationship" I would pretend I knew nothing about fishing and Mike took on the role of my teacher. It really ignited a spark in him to be showing me how to cast, fix my line and how to "play with the fish before you snag 'em". He even helped me pick out my new fishing pole. Mike and I became quite close. He hugged me a couple of times and people told me they've never seem him show emotion like that. I feel grateful for the time we shared and the progress he made. He would not clean his house and so I suggested that he and I clean together, him doing one room and me doing the other. Pretty soon, he would hurry and clean before he knew I was coming over, to impress me. As soon as I walked in, he would say "What do you think of the kitchen Julie? Doesn't it look nice and clean?" I felt so proud of him.
Time stands still for no one. I made a decision to take this new job, in January. It paid more and had more responsibility. Change is difficult for people like Mike. I tried to ease away from Mike, but it was not easy. He showed up a couple of times at my new job saying "I just missed you Julie." Do they ever know how to rip your heart out. So Mike started going downhill. Mike also has an "impulse" disorder, where he gets angry really fast and has hit people out in the community and though it doesn't happen often, 3 weeks ago, he was about arrested and had to go to court and pay a fine. THese were no kind of consequences for him, which is really what he needed. So I was asked to come back and work with him temporarily, to see if it would help. It didn't happen because he had another incident and on Thursday, he was committed into the psych ward at the hospital, on the day of his sister's funeral. I hurt for Mike and God knows I miss him so much. I found him at the river 1 week ago and we fished for 2-3 hours. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see him. He'd always ask me questions with "isn't that right, Julie?" His humor will always be with me and I hope the best for him...but more than that I feel so blessed that our paths crossed and we were a part of each other's lives.
I know he changed mine.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sunday Rant
Greed is NOT good. I don't care what anyone says, it brings out the darkness in the human soul. Of course, I am convinced, those who enter that darkness have no soul. Oh sure, maybe everyone is a little greedy about money, especially when you don't have any.
I've been without money most of my life. Sure, I always want more money, but I would not take advantage of someone else who has nothing to get it.
I used to have a client, let's call him Harry. Harry is developmentally disabled and probably in his 50s. He has 2 sisters, one lives next door to him and has her moments of greediness toward Harry. One Christmas, she tells Harry if has money left over from buying her gift, that she wants the money. I told Harry, "well guess what? You are spending every penny." It just disgusted me. Harry has another sister who never sees him, ever. In fact, she visits their sister next door, but NEVER sees Harry. Harry spends money buying her kids presents for Christmas. I asked him once when I noticed she was next door, "doesn't she ever come see you?" He says, "no she never does." Fast forward to now. Harry received notice from Social Security that he should have been receiving payments since 1977! Social Security sent Harry over $100,000. SInce our agency is his payee, a lawyer was contacted and much of the money will be put in a medical trust, as he is diabetic. Gee who should suddenly make contact and act like she cares? That's right, the sister from the woodwork. She wants Harry to pay for a vacation for all of them. WTF?
I cannot even continue talking about it...it makes me that angry. I am again convinced that it is MONEY that is the root of ALL evil. It is the very thing that motivates people. Many times that is a good thing and you learn a few lessons along the way of your quest to be rich. I suppose rich people have these issues all the time...people coming out of the woodwork once they know you've got money.
Whenever our time is through...it won't matter how much money, how many possessions or what connections we have.
You can't take it with you.
I've been without money most of my life. Sure, I always want more money, but I would not take advantage of someone else who has nothing to get it.
I used to have a client, let's call him Harry. Harry is developmentally disabled and probably in his 50s. He has 2 sisters, one lives next door to him and has her moments of greediness toward Harry. One Christmas, she tells Harry if has money left over from buying her gift, that she wants the money. I told Harry, "well guess what? You are spending every penny." It just disgusted me. Harry has another sister who never sees him, ever. In fact, she visits their sister next door, but NEVER sees Harry. Harry spends money buying her kids presents for Christmas. I asked him once when I noticed she was next door, "doesn't she ever come see you?" He says, "no she never does." Fast forward to now. Harry received notice from Social Security that he should have been receiving payments since 1977! Social Security sent Harry over $100,000. SInce our agency is his payee, a lawyer was contacted and much of the money will be put in a medical trust, as he is diabetic. Gee who should suddenly make contact and act like she cares? That's right, the sister from the woodwork. She wants Harry to pay for a vacation for all of them. WTF?
I cannot even continue talking about it...it makes me that angry. I am again convinced that it is MONEY that is the root of ALL evil. It is the very thing that motivates people. Many times that is a good thing and you learn a few lessons along the way of your quest to be rich. I suppose rich people have these issues all the time...people coming out of the woodwork once they know you've got money.
Whenever our time is through...it won't matter how much money, how many possessions or what connections we have.
You can't take it with you.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Formula 44
Well...May 24th I turned 44 years old. I'm taking a hint from my twin KMAE and decided to talk about the blessings and struggles I've endured. Not a long essay, although I could easily slip into something wordy, but listing the good and the bad and lord knows we cannot forget, the ugly.
Living through parents divorce
THE 70s (wish I was older!)
Going to FRANCE in high school
Going to Washington D.C. in 8th grade
Learning to cook with Mom
Making Breakfast for my dad
Graduation (high school)...finding out my dad was there watching all along
Birth of my daughter
Being shut out by my mother
Meeting and falling in love with a woman, Teri
Experiencing the downfall of love and mental illness
COMING OUT
TO ALL THE GIRLS I"VE LOVED BEFORE....and all the men I didn't
Graduation from COLLEGE
First time I worked with developmentally disabled adults....and made a breakthrough
Coming out of my shell
Living Loving and Learning
Are women really THAT psychotic?
Sending my daughter to foster parents....most devastating, but somehow liberating
Writing my first novel and losing myself
Loving an alcoholic....and leaving
New friends...
Moving to Wyoming
Moving to Cheyenne...new friends and FRESH AIR
Crazy world of Sue
Moving back home with Grandma
TALKING ONLINE WITH CINDY....yummO!
MEETING CINDY!!!!! DELISH!
Is it Cindy or stay with Grandma?
IT'S CINDY!
Experiencing REAL love and foreverness with the girl of my dreams
My dad asking for a hug from my girlfriend!
Brittany showing up on my doorstep
Brittany's GRADUATION
OIL and WATER don't mix, they fester
Grandma June passed
My mother came alive again
Mom hugging my girlfriend
Mom meeting Brittany
Mom giving me money for my birthday and saying "I LOVE YOU"
Being in love for 4 1/2 years and never once questioning what's been given to me......
I've learned lessons and understood it's really true..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger"
I've walked the rocky path, tripped and fallen, thinking the walk just wasn't worth it...but now I can see why I fell.
Life.
Bring it on
Living through parents divorce
THE 70s (wish I was older!)
Going to FRANCE in high school
Going to Washington D.C. in 8th grade
Learning to cook with Mom
Making Breakfast for my dad
Graduation (high school)...finding out my dad was there watching all along
Birth of my daughter
Being shut out by my mother
Meeting and falling in love with a woman, Teri
Experiencing the downfall of love and mental illness
COMING OUT
TO ALL THE GIRLS I"VE LOVED BEFORE....and all the men I didn't
Graduation from COLLEGE
First time I worked with developmentally disabled adults....and made a breakthrough
Coming out of my shell
Living Loving and Learning
Are women really THAT psychotic?
Sending my daughter to foster parents....most devastating, but somehow liberating
Writing my first novel and losing myself
Loving an alcoholic....and leaving
New friends...
Moving to Wyoming
Moving to Cheyenne...new friends and FRESH AIR
Crazy world of Sue
Moving back home with Grandma
TALKING ONLINE WITH CINDY....yummO!
MEETING CINDY!!!!! DELISH!
Is it Cindy or stay with Grandma?
IT'S CINDY!
Experiencing REAL love and foreverness with the girl of my dreams
My dad asking for a hug from my girlfriend!
Brittany showing up on my doorstep
Brittany's GRADUATION
OIL and WATER don't mix, they fester
Grandma June passed
My mother came alive again
Mom hugging my girlfriend
Mom meeting Brittany
Mom giving me money for my birthday and saying "I LOVE YOU"
Being in love for 4 1/2 years and never once questioning what's been given to me......
I've learned lessons and understood it's really true..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger"
I've walked the rocky path, tripped and fallen, thinking the walk just wasn't worth it...but now I can see why I fell.
Life.
Bring it on
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
And is it ever an interesting one! It's been about a year now since I've been in communication with my mom. It just keeps getting better and I guess a part of me is still baffled by it all.
Cindy and Brittany and I went on Wednesday to have lunch with her. We were passing through town on our way to see my Dad to return extra flooring from the remodel. It was amazing and fun. I could spend all day trying to catch up with her...it was 20 years after all. She gave me $100 for my birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US ON MAY 24th KMAE) for a bread machine! I'm sure I got my love of cooking from my mother. Inside the card for my birthday, she wrote,, "my heart is always with you."
I still have not spoken to my stepfather...apparently he is not ready yet. I do not even know why for sure. My mother always meets me somewhere and I am hopeful one day we will talk and we can have regular visits at the house. I did some bad things when I was younger but probably not what he thinks I've done. Mostly I lied....I've admitted those things to my mother. I think those were the reasons she did what she did...it's just that my grandmother perpetuated things. I told her it was awful that we didn't fight harder to find out the truth long ago.
But we are where we are...a place I never expected to be, but on this Mother's Day, I am forever grateful I didn't give up.
Cindy and Brittany and I went on Wednesday to have lunch with her. We were passing through town on our way to see my Dad to return extra flooring from the remodel. It was amazing and fun. I could spend all day trying to catch up with her...it was 20 years after all. She gave me $100 for my birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US ON MAY 24th KMAE) for a bread machine! I'm sure I got my love of cooking from my mother. Inside the card for my birthday, she wrote,, "my heart is always with you."
I still have not spoken to my stepfather...apparently he is not ready yet. I do not even know why for sure. My mother always meets me somewhere and I am hopeful one day we will talk and we can have regular visits at the house. I did some bad things when I was younger but probably not what he thinks I've done. Mostly I lied....I've admitted those things to my mother. I think those were the reasons she did what she did...it's just that my grandmother perpetuated things. I told her it was awful that we didn't fight harder to find out the truth long ago.
But we are where we are...a place I never expected to be, but on this Mother's Day, I am forever grateful I didn't give up.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Bride & Prejudice
Congratulations to the state of Iowa, my state, for doing what should have never been in question to begin with. Iowa has legalized gay marriage by striking down the gay marriage BAN. Every time this happens somewhere, I always know it will not last as the religious right will have their way. An article I read yesterday says that this time, it will likely not even be brought up by the opposition for quite some time. But we know it will. What is even more shocking, is it was a UNANIMOUS vote.
When the religious folks start in with their hate filled words, I also realize they have the right to say what they want to. What I always think about is...what if their son or daughter came to them and told them they were gay? What would they do or say? I thought of that when that bimbo sarah palin paraded her family on the stage during the campaign. Yah I said bimbo. It's Sunday, so I am being nice. To me, this is the way I am and we've all tried the other way to appease society and our families. It's not honest and I truly believe God had to have made us this way for a reason. I believe this too for all of the disabled people I've worked with. There will always be those who let their fear of the unknown control their soul. I went to a conference for work and I adored the speaker, Dr Al Condelucci. He talked about his cousin who had Down's Syndrome, that he grew up with. He didn't even realize there was such prejudice until he was outside of his family. He said "Once you get to know someone who is different than you, it is difficult to hold that same prejudice." I truly believe that. It is easier to sit back and judge than to go into unchartered territory.
That being said...for me personally, I will not get married, but I think it should not be up to the government to dictate who marries whom. What's important is the legalities of it. How many times have we been denied seeing our loved ones or being left with nothing after our partners die? I am happy the way I am and Cindy and I have discussed this at length. For us, we won't do it, but agree it should be legal for those who want to and believe in it.
So Good for IOWA. Hopefully it's a trend of what's to come.
Tune in Tomorrow
When the religious folks start in with their hate filled words, I also realize they have the right to say what they want to. What I always think about is...what if their son or daughter came to them and told them they were gay? What would they do or say? I thought of that when that bimbo sarah palin paraded her family on the stage during the campaign. Yah I said bimbo. It's Sunday, so I am being nice. To me, this is the way I am and we've all tried the other way to appease society and our families. It's not honest and I truly believe God had to have made us this way for a reason. I believe this too for all of the disabled people I've worked with. There will always be those who let their fear of the unknown control their soul. I went to a conference for work and I adored the speaker, Dr Al Condelucci. He talked about his cousin who had Down's Syndrome, that he grew up with. He didn't even realize there was such prejudice until he was outside of his family. He said "Once you get to know someone who is different than you, it is difficult to hold that same prejudice." I truly believe that. It is easier to sit back and judge than to go into unchartered territory.
That being said...for me personally, I will not get married, but I think it should not be up to the government to dictate who marries whom. What's important is the legalities of it. How many times have we been denied seeing our loved ones or being left with nothing after our partners die? I am happy the way I am and Cindy and I have discussed this at length. For us, we won't do it, but agree it should be legal for those who want to and believe in it.
So Good for IOWA. Hopefully it's a trend of what's to come.
Tune in Tomorrow
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The 9th Wonder...
It's good to be surprised. Really good. I feel pretty proud of that kid of mine. That is NOT to say that I've let my guard down, but I can say I am surprised.
Toward the end of February, Brittany moved into her first apartment. It was a struggle because I had to come of with the security deposit and I wasn't sure how things were going to go. She can barely afford it, but she is struggling like anyone else....so I consider that an improvement. She's paid her rent (barely) but isn't that the case with anyone. She has not depended on me for money, but I've helped her when I could. I've always felt, up til now, that she has needed help and she would not be able to live on her own. But she is. She told me "I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do." Tuesday March 17th was her 20th birthday. Hard to believe, for sure. Of course, there are things she is still struggling with...making good choices regarding boyfriends...but hey that is normal. Well not the boyfriends part LOL It takes a lifetime to weed out the bad ones.
My mom even bought Brittany a walmart gift card for $50. So I took her shopping yesterday and she spent it on stuff for her apartment. It might actually work out! She's done good and I told her that too.
In other news: I went to the Dr due to pain and swelling around my elbow. It appears I have "tennis elbow" without actually playing tennis. It's a sore SOB. I was supposed to have a shot of cortesone but nixed it. I also have carpel tunnel in both hands, but I've lived with it for so long now...blahblahblah
Just a short word...I will miss Natasha Richardson. If you want to see an awesome movie, watch EVENING. Beautifully done with Natasha and her mom actually playing mother and daughter. Such a tragedy.
Let it be a lesson. Life. Don't miss out on it.
Toward the end of February, Brittany moved into her first apartment. It was a struggle because I had to come of with the security deposit and I wasn't sure how things were going to go. She can barely afford it, but she is struggling like anyone else....so I consider that an improvement. She's paid her rent (barely) but isn't that the case with anyone. She has not depended on me for money, but I've helped her when I could. I've always felt, up til now, that she has needed help and she would not be able to live on her own. But she is. She told me "I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do." Tuesday March 17th was her 20th birthday. Hard to believe, for sure. Of course, there are things she is still struggling with...making good choices regarding boyfriends...but hey that is normal. Well not the boyfriends part LOL It takes a lifetime to weed out the bad ones.
My mom even bought Brittany a walmart gift card for $50. So I took her shopping yesterday and she spent it on stuff for her apartment. It might actually work out! She's done good and I told her that too.
In other news: I went to the Dr due to pain and swelling around my elbow. It appears I have "tennis elbow" without actually playing tennis. It's a sore SOB. I was supposed to have a shot of cortesone but nixed it. I also have carpel tunnel in both hands, but I've lived with it for so long now...blahblahblah
Just a short word...I will miss Natasha Richardson. If you want to see an awesome movie, watch EVENING. Beautifully done with Natasha and her mom actually playing mother and daughter. Such a tragedy.
Let it be a lesson. Life. Don't miss out on it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mama, She's Lazy
Okay, so now I've gone for too long without complaining about the disgusting habits of everyday people. Yah, I live in the midwest and there is a different tone here, I guess, than in the big cities...but you know, I really think it's everywhere. And it's not just Walmart.
What am I talking about? The laziness of Americans. What has happened to us when we cannot find our clothes to go out in and we just figure our pajamas are okay to shop in? Not just the pajama bottoms...but slippers too! Don't get me started on all of the HUGE women who wear NO bra. I'm no small chick myself and I've been known to but on sweats and a huge sweatshirt to drive my daughter home or to work, where I'm not getting out of the car. Kmae, if you've done this, you are forgiven! LOL
I suppose it's the "trashy" side of people now, but I've really noticed ALOT of things going down hill with our society.
What happened to common sense? It has really died a horrible death. Tragic. You see it in customer service people, fast food places, retail...it's everywhere. People are not held accountable for the job they do every day. This is an excuse-laden society. We've gotten too good at the excuses.
People talk about the economy being bad. Yah it's hard. Yah it's tough but what happened to taking some pride in yourself and being an example to those who follow us?
I know I'm going to do better just in case someone cares.
What am I talking about? The laziness of Americans. What has happened to us when we cannot find our clothes to go out in and we just figure our pajamas are okay to shop in? Not just the pajama bottoms...but slippers too! Don't get me started on all of the HUGE women who wear NO bra. I'm no small chick myself and I've been known to but on sweats and a huge sweatshirt to drive my daughter home or to work, where I'm not getting out of the car. Kmae, if you've done this, you are forgiven! LOL
I suppose it's the "trashy" side of people now, but I've really noticed ALOT of things going down hill with our society.
What happened to common sense? It has really died a horrible death. Tragic. You see it in customer service people, fast food places, retail...it's everywhere. People are not held accountable for the job they do every day. This is an excuse-laden society. We've gotten too good at the excuses.
People talk about the economy being bad. Yah it's hard. Yah it's tough but what happened to taking some pride in yourself and being an example to those who follow us?
I know I'm going to do better just in case someone cares.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A New Day
Here is the day I wondered would ever come. Brittany now is living in her own apartment. She has a pretty decent place. I had to pay the deposit on it and God I hope she can swing it. It is kind of fun getting her set up with stuff. Luckily, I'd been saving things for her.
I've been doing nothing but working lately, but I have started writing my next book and I am excited about that. My mind is spinning with ideas and storylines. I talk it through with Cindy, though she doesn't like fiction. I find that so strange! I let my mom read my first book and she loved it, saying she was impressed that I wrote it. As time goes on, I am still amazed at how things have turned around with my mom. After nearly 20 years, we are having the relationship I always dreamed of having. She called me on her birthday and said "I love you" before she hung up. I was so stunned...hearing those words from her mouth...I know I never thought it would be like this. She calls me quite frequently and we write almost every week, send cards to each other. I am so grateful for whatever stars aligned themselves to allow this to happen...especially at this time in my life. There is alot I don't understand about what led up to this point...like why didn't she fight harder to find out the truth? But...I accept things as they are and that makes me appreciate the time we have.
If anyone wants to see a good movie, see BONNEVILLE. yah it's a chick movie...but I'm a chick!
One of my clients, Khyla, lent me the dvd "The family that Preys"....a Tyler Perry movie that he's actually in and damn was it good! I was surprised. Khyla is black and all her movies are black actors lol I am glad that Sean Penn won for MILK, though I've not seen it. I loved his acceptance speech at the Oscars. I've always believed he should have won for I AM SAM. I adore that movie but it tears me up so much, I cannot watch it anymore!
Cindy tells me we are going to remodel the kitchen and bathroom. What fun! LOL
Bring on the SPRING!
I can't wait to be out in the back yard!!
I've been doing nothing but working lately, but I have started writing my next book and I am excited about that. My mind is spinning with ideas and storylines. I talk it through with Cindy, though she doesn't like fiction. I find that so strange! I let my mom read my first book and she loved it, saying she was impressed that I wrote it. As time goes on, I am still amazed at how things have turned around with my mom. After nearly 20 years, we are having the relationship I always dreamed of having. She called me on her birthday and said "I love you" before she hung up. I was so stunned...hearing those words from her mouth...I know I never thought it would be like this. She calls me quite frequently and we write almost every week, send cards to each other. I am so grateful for whatever stars aligned themselves to allow this to happen...especially at this time in my life. There is alot I don't understand about what led up to this point...like why didn't she fight harder to find out the truth? But...I accept things as they are and that makes me appreciate the time we have.
If anyone wants to see a good movie, see BONNEVILLE. yah it's a chick movie...but I'm a chick!
One of my clients, Khyla, lent me the dvd "The family that Preys"....a Tyler Perry movie that he's actually in and damn was it good! I was surprised. Khyla is black and all her movies are black actors lol I am glad that Sean Penn won for MILK, though I've not seen it. I loved his acceptance speech at the Oscars. I've always believed he should have won for I AM SAM. I adore that movie but it tears me up so much, I cannot watch it anymore!
Cindy tells me we are going to remodel the kitchen and bathroom. What fun! LOL
Bring on the SPRING!
I can't wait to be out in the back yard!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
It's a Weird Life
What is it with kids growing up? I question myself helping Brittany the way I am. She got herself into her own mess, I keep telling her that. I have not allowed her back home and besides, she would lose her medical and such. There is nowhere for her to go. Last night she spent her entire paycheck on a motel room for the week. And again, she is depending on me to figure this out for her. Granted, I know a little more about what's around, but I don't know what to do either. She only has a part time job. I feel so at odds and I just wish there was something to help her. I guess I have to do what I'm doing and keep trying to find a solution. If she were like other 20yr olds, it would be different, she might be able to get a better job.
One day it will come together
One day it will come together
Monday, January 19, 2009
Just a Quickie
I am back by popular demand! As you can see, there is a new addition: BellaMae.
She was Cindy's idea, even though it was my turn to have a cat...my girl cut ahead in line and took an extra turn! What can I do? She's so cute, I can't resist! I mean my girl, not BellaMae! I will be glad when she gets fixed, so Odie won't be attacking her from behind trying to get his groove on. She is 4 years old and we are trying to housebreak her as she was always in a kennel used for breeding purposes. Oh the joy!
As far as Brittany is concerned...Last Friday, I paid for a motel room for her. Just one week, then she has figure it out for herself. It is the hardest thing. I don't want to think about her on the street, but she has to learn the nature of consequences for her actions and the decisions she makes. Interesting that my mom called me tonight. I am always grateful for a second chance at this relationship, it means so much. She says, "you don't think I worried about you? Every day." I told her at times I thought maybe she didn't, but now that I am going through this, I understand why she did what she did. She told me "It was the hardest thing I've ever done or ever will do in my entire life. But I knew I had to." I know that is what drove me even harder to depend on myself. It's a good lesson that Brittany needs to learn. Brittany is mad right now because she wants to do laundry here and we are having plumbing issues. She does not care and does not want to spend her cash on the coin washer/dryer at the motel. AHEM Cash which I gave her, by the way! We shall see what happens...but I have to stick to my guns, I know that.
There is a reason they call it tough love.
It ain't for sissies.
She was Cindy's idea, even though it was my turn to have a cat...my girl cut ahead in line and took an extra turn! What can I do? She's so cute, I can't resist! I mean my girl, not BellaMae! I will be glad when she gets fixed, so Odie won't be attacking her from behind trying to get his groove on. She is 4 years old and we are trying to housebreak her as she was always in a kennel used for breeding purposes. Oh the joy!
As far as Brittany is concerned...Last Friday, I paid for a motel room for her. Just one week, then she has figure it out for herself. It is the hardest thing. I don't want to think about her on the street, but she has to learn the nature of consequences for her actions and the decisions she makes. Interesting that my mom called me tonight. I am always grateful for a second chance at this relationship, it means so much. She says, "you don't think I worried about you? Every day." I told her at times I thought maybe she didn't, but now that I am going through this, I understand why she did what she did. She told me "It was the hardest thing I've ever done or ever will do in my entire life. But I knew I had to." I know that is what drove me even harder to depend on myself. It's a good lesson that Brittany needs to learn. Brittany is mad right now because she wants to do laundry here and we are having plumbing issues. She does not care and does not want to spend her cash on the coin washer/dryer at the motel. AHEM Cash which I gave her, by the way! We shall see what happens...but I have to stick to my guns, I know that.
There is a reason they call it tough love.
It ain't for sissies.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Drama Queen...
...Feel the beat from my sanity that I've never seen.
Well, it happened. I knew it would. Brittany called today telling me...(can we all say it together?) "they kicked me out and I have nowhere to go."
Of course, I reminded her of what I told her when she left. I was not letting her come back. Now Cindy did not have the faith that I would stick to it...she was sure I would buckle under the pressure. I stuck to my guns, but god did it rip my heart out. I told her I would not let her come back, but I would help her find a place. I suggested a motel room to rent for the week. I would help her help herself. I can't just say no and do nothing. She felt better as I suggested to COMMUNICATE and talk to the lady where she was living, explain that she didn't have a place to stay and could she stay for another week. So she did and it worked. So Friday I am taking her to look for a place and help her as much as I can.
In the meantime...Cindy decided we needed another dog for Odie. She is a pure bred boston terrier. Cindy named her Bella Mae. She was a breeder dog. The first day, she took every one of Odie's toys and piled them up at the front door. She took over the house from Odie. Too funny. She wasn't taking any shit from a man. Cindy's mom bought Odie a stuffed Beaver (some fun lesbian jokes here!). I had to laugh as I said, "Well Bella is home. She is in the bedroom chewing on the beaver!" That's our girl!
Odie, who is fixed...has been trying to hump her(as she is not fixed yet, but early Feb), but she won't stand still long enough! You go grrl
Fun times
Well, it happened. I knew it would. Brittany called today telling me...(can we all say it together?) "they kicked me out and I have nowhere to go."
Of course, I reminded her of what I told her when she left. I was not letting her come back. Now Cindy did not have the faith that I would stick to it...she was sure I would buckle under the pressure. I stuck to my guns, but god did it rip my heart out. I told her I would not let her come back, but I would help her find a place. I suggested a motel room to rent for the week. I would help her help herself. I can't just say no and do nothing. She felt better as I suggested to COMMUNICATE and talk to the lady where she was living, explain that she didn't have a place to stay and could she stay for another week. So she did and it worked. So Friday I am taking her to look for a place and help her as much as I can.
In the meantime...Cindy decided we needed another dog for Odie. She is a pure bred boston terrier. Cindy named her Bella Mae. She was a breeder dog. The first day, she took every one of Odie's toys and piled them up at the front door. She took over the house from Odie. Too funny. She wasn't taking any shit from a man. Cindy's mom bought Odie a stuffed Beaver (some fun lesbian jokes here!). I had to laugh as I said, "Well Bella is home. She is in the bedroom chewing on the beaver!" That's our girl!
Odie, who is fixed...has been trying to hump her(as she is not fixed yet, but early Feb), but she won't stand still long enough! You go grrl
Fun times
Friday, January 09, 2009
Happy Flippin' New Year
Greetings!
It has been awhile since I've been here, but nonetheless, here I am. Am I ever so glad the holidays are over. I still don't understand why it gets so crazy and everyone is in HYPER mode, but what I don't know about things could fill the universe.
Brittany left New Year's Day. Yup, moved out after getting crazy hysterical mad about her cell phone not working. She did not care about anything else, yelling at both Cindy and I, screaming that she didn't care. Just plain disrespectful and rude. Then she yelled she was leaving and gave me her key. I told her we were not playing this game. So she left for work and never came back that night, though I left the door open just in case. She called the next day to say she was living with some people, "friends" as she calls them. I told her she was not coming back to live, that was it. Especially after Cindy and I turned our lives upside down back in October to allow her back in. She did not apologize but just said she was mad about her phone. The biggest thing that happened to make this all occur is that Cindy and I found the charm bracelet that my MOM had given her in the couch. Brittany lost it not long after my mom had given it to her and I had been looking for it. So I finally found it and Brittany was so mad about the phone she said "I DON"T CARE!" That's when Cindy lost it. So I am keeping it for her. The next day, Brittany asked for it back and I told her I would just keep it for her. "I was just mad." I told her that is no excuse for treating people like crap. There are consequences for your actions, the things you do and say.
I don't know if she will ever learn that.
Now she calls to tell me she has a 34 year old boyfriend, who is living with her with these "friends". It's an older couple and the boyfriend's mother and stepdad.
So now I have to let go and do that "tough love". It will be tough if she burns all of her bridges and has nowhere to go. But I have to.
I spent over an hour talking to my mom last night. If there is one event that made me grateful for 2008...it's my mom. It's sad that my grandmother had to die to make it happen, but considering the type of person she was and the damage she inflicted...it is peaceful she is gone.
Peace out
It has been awhile since I've been here, but nonetheless, here I am. Am I ever so glad the holidays are over. I still don't understand why it gets so crazy and everyone is in HYPER mode, but what I don't know about things could fill the universe.
Brittany left New Year's Day. Yup, moved out after getting crazy hysterical mad about her cell phone not working. She did not care about anything else, yelling at both Cindy and I, screaming that she didn't care. Just plain disrespectful and rude. Then she yelled she was leaving and gave me her key. I told her we were not playing this game. So she left for work and never came back that night, though I left the door open just in case. She called the next day to say she was living with some people, "friends" as she calls them. I told her she was not coming back to live, that was it. Especially after Cindy and I turned our lives upside down back in October to allow her back in. She did not apologize but just said she was mad about her phone. The biggest thing that happened to make this all occur is that Cindy and I found the charm bracelet that my MOM had given her in the couch. Brittany lost it not long after my mom had given it to her and I had been looking for it. So I finally found it and Brittany was so mad about the phone she said "I DON"T CARE!" That's when Cindy lost it. So I am keeping it for her. The next day, Brittany asked for it back and I told her I would just keep it for her. "I was just mad." I told her that is no excuse for treating people like crap. There are consequences for your actions, the things you do and say.
I don't know if she will ever learn that.
Now she calls to tell me she has a 34 year old boyfriend, who is living with her with these "friends". It's an older couple and the boyfriend's mother and stepdad.
So now I have to let go and do that "tough love". It will be tough if she burns all of her bridges and has nowhere to go. But I have to.
I spent over an hour talking to my mom last night. If there is one event that made me grateful for 2008...it's my mom. It's sad that my grandmother had to die to make it happen, but considering the type of person she was and the damage she inflicted...it is peaceful she is gone.
Peace out
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