Revelation Day

Here I sit, still in amazement that events have happened the way they have. Yesterday was a definite lesson in how important it is not to let time slip away.

Yesterday was the day my mother and Brittany were to meet for the first time. Brittany has a job now (YAY) so she had to work. I decided to go anyway, hoping this would give an opportunity for my mom and I to really talk. And did we ever. We spent 3 hours talking and sharing a meal, even had pie. Through all of our talking we discovered that my grandmother spent much of her time alive destroying our relationship and making sure we never spoke. My grandmother said awful hurtful things to my mother and told her flat out lies about me over the years, such as Brittany had AIDS and that was why she had so many problems and I graduated from college with a degree in Bowling which welfare paid for. I told my mother that just showed what she didn't know about AIDS since Brittany's problems are mental. The big one though was that I told her that my stepfather beat me and my brother and my mother too. When I was in high school, my grandmother got drunk and asked me if he ever "touched" me. I remember being shocked by the question and I said "no, of course not!" But she went on for years telling my mother all about being with a child abuser. So it's no wonder he doesn't want to see me. Hopefully that will change now, because he's really a good guy, especially to have to put up with all the bullshit.
My mother also bought a bracelet for Brittany and a journal book for Cindy. I think she loves Cindy which is something I never expected with the whole gay thing. I guess I am surprised she's so at ease with me being gay. She asked me questions and I answered them and it was so nice.
It's a lesson in communication and the lack thereof.

And guess who's moved back in? Yup. Brittany. I feel awful, but the kid didn't have anywhere to go because her latest roommates got drunk (even the 15yr old) and kicked her out. They even stole from her, what little she had. The people she originally moved in with didn't have the room any longer, so Brittany was crying and telling me she didn't have anywhere else to go. What could I do? Cindy is not happy about it, for sure, but there will be stipulations and conditions. At least she has a job. That is something anyway and I am going to help her get an apartment...like low income housing or something.

So all of this in one day.

I hope today is peaceful!

Just When I Thought I Could Breathe...

Posting twice in one weekend.....I must be mad. Actually I'm sort of beyond that now, but damned if I am not learning another one of life's lovely(sarcasm) lessons.
Brittany called me(what else?) and asked if I had boxes....as IF I didn't figure out what she wanted them for. Maybe I should be grateful she didn't ask to come back, but I know that wouldn't happen. I think, "okay, I'll bite." I ask her why and she tells me she is moving. I ask "where?" She tells me she is moving in with a boyfriend. I said "WHAT?" It's this same damn kid that's 15 and lives with his mom. I do not know if that is where she is moving or he is getting an apartment. Brittany has broken up with this kid at least 4 times and the last I knew she wasn't with anyone. I say this to her and she says, "I wasn't, til last night." Great.

Then she asks me, "What are you getting so mad about?"

Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's watching my disabled daughter make decisions that will only cause more trouble. Hmmm no that couldn't be it.

I guess I am grateful she is on birth control. I don't know if things have gotten bad with these people she's been living with and she has to have a place to go. I ask her, "how are you going to support yourself and make a living?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

This is hard to watch. I know there is not a thing I can do and I remember myself at that age thinking, "oh I'll think about it later." Now it just creeps me out. But Brittany is not like other kids her age making bad decisions. I think that I could deal with that a little better. Knowing how she comes to make these decisions drives me crazy. Brittany just wants to bounce from home to home...any place where she has no rules. Then I think...why would she have rules...she's an adult right? That's what everyone else thinks, but I know in her mind she is in no way an adult.

Where's my rum?

Blessings

I'm over with all the politics. I'm over with thinking of all the things that make me angry....let's just say for this entry, I'm over it.

For now, I am reflective of the things that have happened in my life this year. It seems like in the past, my whole world was revolved around finding my true love and until Cindy, that part of my life was always in turmoil. Now that I am settled, other parts of my life have taken center stage. Maybe it's because I am settled with Cindy that I've focused more on family. If someone would have told me at the beginning of the year that I would again have a relationship with my mother, I would have said, "yah whatever." Though I realize there is much to get through with my mother, it feels good to have her in my life again. Good, yet very surreal. My mother and I now exchange letters, cards and even recipes! I think she has missed me in her life and having someone to write to, talk to and see. Currently, we are planning to get together with Brittany. She has not met Brittany and I know she must be curious. In her last letter, she wrote, "Tell Cindy and Brittany, too, hello." Cindy certainly won her over and though 98% of my thought she would...I'm still not entirely sure what she thinks of me, so it's a big deal.

So I am counting my blessings for now. Brittany even came over apologizing for "everything" as she put it. She said she had been thinking of her whole life and felt sorry for things. Who knows how long this will last but I hope she can see things differently. She is anxious to meet her "grandma". It will be an interesting moment, that is for sure.

I know I could spend alot of time angry for the past 19 years of Brittany's life without her and my life without her, but I've put that aside. I know the person I was all those years ago and she had her reasons. I would not have made the same decision because I know the effect her decision had on my life. That being said, I know her decision made me a stronger person. The people that have abandoned me in my life only helped to strengthen my resolve, especially with all I've been through with Brittany. No one else can take credit for the good things that have happened to me. My core beliefs and the person I am today have alot to do with my mother and the way she raised me....but it's what you do with it that counts. I'm a different person than my mother. I am more outspoken and honest than she is. When I say honest, I mean forthcoming in letting people know what I think, what I feel. Too many times, I've not said what I feel or think and then the moment is gone.

Not to mention, I am RELENTLESS!

As a sidenote: Cindy and I are going to a psychic next Saturday, just for fun. I am anxious to hear what she has to say. People may say it's hokey(not pokey) but my coworker Amanda went and the things she told her are coming true in a creepy way.
I will keep both my readers updated!

Have a peaceful blessful day

The Ugliness of the "T" Word

While I am not the most politically involved person, I found myself curious about the Vice Presidential debate. Granted, I did not stick around for the entire thing and am so glad I didn't. Our country is in a mess. Who knows if we will ever recover. There is so much I don't understand and even more that I am at odds with. One thing though, that I understood loud and clear from both sides is our government holds no value for many of us as gay americans. Oh sure, like that's a new statement. It's not. If you are gay, you are good enough to pay taxes but not good enough to have the same rights as other so-called americans.

I had read about Palin's church and how they have a program to "pray away the gay" as I call it, so that already turned me off)though I've never been a Republican and never will I am sure. When I hear straight people say that dreaded T word (Tolerance), I just cringe. Others may feel that is the most appropriate word, but I think it's the ugliest nastiest word to use. I suppose black americans have felt the same their whole history. It's saying...I "tolerate" you but you are not good enough to be like me. It's like just "putting up" with someone because they are there. I guess I should not be so angry because it's something that will most likely never change. I guess I should feel good that the democrats want to "allow" civil rights to a same sex partnership but not marriage. As I have stated previously, I do not want marriage for myself but in no way do I think the government should be able to tell a person who they can be with or marry. Then Biden says that should be left up to "faith". That is where the whole thing goes awry for me. I can call myself "spiritually religious" and feel good about it. I told Cindy that the question should have been posed to both sides, "what if one of your children came to you and told you they were gay?" What would your response be? Maybe their answer would be the same. And maybe they would take a little more time to think before they "tolerate" us. I really believe that none of this should even be talked about in a political arena, but it has to be because we have no rights.

Maybe if children didn't have the straight world shoved down their throat from the beginning, it wouldn't be such a traumatic thing later on. Maybe then we all wouldn't have to waste half our lives living a life we were never meant to live.

They are tolerant of us. I beg to differ...I believe it is us that is tolerating them.

But why does it always have to be US vs. THEM?

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