AWWOL(Absolutely Wonderful World of Lesbians)

Or "Living Life In The Pack"

I think about this today as the 4th of July nears. I am now a small part of this infamous pack of Lesbians. Up until now, I've lived my life as a lesbian in low profile. Being in the midwest, and not in New York City or Houston...you just don't see the nightclubs or fast lesbian nightlife. How I've always wanted to play a part....have a bunch of lesbian friends I hang with. As I recall, there was another time I was in a small pack. In Davenport, Iowa....the Quad Cities, as it's known. It was my first introduction to "the pack". It was amazing to me to see it....a group of lesbians, all friends, but also, all had at one time, dated each other. Of course, these people were into drugs, many of them....and that's just not my thing. There was a really butch girl, Donita, who was interested in me...but I was not interested. She was trashy and smelled bad...as trash does. I, of course, liked a girl named Sonja...who played softball. How I adored her. She was short, had short hair, was in between being butch and just a little spark of being "girly". But she was with another girl, who was totally wrong for her...hit her and treated her like crap. But it never was to be, they always like the bad girls.

Since I've met Cindy, I've realized she is a small part of a lesbian pack. Her ex gf is a big part of the pack. Cindy's ex and her are really good friends still, which is a rare thing. Well, since I am not a part of the pack originally, I was new and fresh meat last year. One of the couples in the pack throw a 4th of July party at their house in the country. Interestingly enough, one woman of said couple does it to celebrate and ex gf's birthday...who happens to be Cindy's ex's sister. So last year, I made a couple of cheesecakes(the real kind) and went along as Cindy's gf to this gathering lesbianville. Oh my God! I have never seen that many lesbians in one area. It was culture shock for me. The big joke is there are so many of them named Julie....and here I am, another one. I felt like playing "Romper Room", "I see that butch girl and that femme girl, oh and I see another butch girl, and another..." It was a smorgasboard of girls who like flannel and tools. I have to say to my girl's credit, she's never been an active part of the pack...she has not dated anyone in the pack, except for her ex. Her ex, however....she's a whole pack in herself! But she is a great person and I love her for being herself. I remember a conversation with one of the butch girls...there was probably 5 or 6 of us standing around. Butch girl is talking about her exhusband, how he cheated on her, trying to take her money or kids or something(I tuned out), then Cindy's ex talked about her exhusband and what a creep his is(and he is)....I chimed in to say...."Well, I was never married, I was just...slutty." Butch girl choked on her drink and Cindy's ex gave me a hug. Aren't I the life of the party?

The part went on forever...many of us were out in the yard playing croquet. It was hilarious watching the drunk girls trying to play. Another girl stumbles onto the playing field with her drink...."Is it my turn? I had to go get some more TEKAYLA.." she says drunkenly. I thought we would all die laughing....

I've seen butch girl over at cindy's ex's house....back in January for a superbowl party. She says to me, "What? No cheesecake today?" Guess there are worse things I could be known for!
So, the party is coming up...the weekend after the 4th, and I've been asked to make the cheesecake again. I look forward to see the vast array of women who love women....once again, I find myself a small part of THE PACK.

Except I'm only ever with THE ONE. That makes it all worthwhile.

Fathers

Well, yesterday being father's day and all...I decided to go see my father and stepmother and take Cindy along with me, as they had not even met her yet. I was not sure how this was going to go, but knowing my father, he would not say a word on the nature of our relationship, though I know he has pretty much accepted who I am. He's never met any woman I've been with and now I am grateful( remembering the women from my past).

My father lives 2 1/2 hours away from here, so we went to their house, went to a parade and craft show and my dad and stepmom took us out for pizza, then went back to their house for pie and ice cream. We ended up staying til after 8pm. Cindy and my stepmom bonded over their bouts with domestic abuse from their exhusbands and just talked about everything. It was amazing and I really feel they liked her and accepted her. It was great. My stepmother even gave us food to take home from the freezer! Considering just last year, my father wasn't really speaking to me after the crazy family scandal about my grandmother(previous blog entry).

Of course, I have not been the ideal daughter....but then, he has not been the ideal father, either, but most often, I believe there is just something about fathers and daughters and mothers and sons...though my mother is the exception to that rule. But for some reason, I've always been close to my father no matter what. He's been more of a father to me since I've been an adult. My parents were divorced when I was almost 8 years old and my brother was 4. We saw my father occasionally, when he lived in the same town it was every other Sunday. My mother hated it when I would always want to see my dad and did her best to dissuade me from being close to him, by telling me all sorts of things for many years..how he never wanted us and never liked dealing with being a parent, etc. So, after years of this, when I was in high school, I wrote him a nasty letter saying he was no kind of father. He called me and we talked for over an hour. He admitted he made many mistakes by not taking more time with us over the years, but that he loved us and always wanted to do the right thing. It was an amazing feat for him, because he just is not a talker about serious subjects. He didn't talk much to me either when I became pregnant and then ended up keeping my daughter, but he grew to love my daughter and loves being grandpa.I'm sure when I wrote him that letter coming out to him about 11 years ago(though I'd been out to myself for 2 years already), it couldn't have been easy. He's never mentioned my being gay....but I don't flaunt things in front of him or talk about it excessively. There's no point to make it the center of conversation. But last night, being there, in their house with my girlfriend sitting there at the table involved in extensive conversations on varying subjects was a wonderful thing.

The Way The Dixie's Do It

Going along with my rant and ramblings about all things so-called AMERICAN...I love country music, it's what I was brought up with. By country music, I mean authentic country, not the BS that is no different than what I've seen on Mtv or now VH1. There is the notion that country music lovers are so wholesome and not as bigoted as much of the world. In some ways, they are worse because they live under this magical pretense.

I have loved the Dixie Chicks from the beginning and my daughter loves them, even more. When things happened 2 years ago and the lead singer Natalie Maines made her comment about "being ashamed" of the President(I can't bring myself to type his name on my blog)...I applauded her, not even because I agreed with her, but for her right to say it. I especially loved it when she fought back and stood her ground, sporting that infamous T-shirt telling a certain so-called country singer, F-U-T-K. I guess fans are fickle....especially country, no matter how they say how loyal they are. What a load of crap. Even country radio banned them and had one of those cd bashing sessions, just like when disco was suddenly uncool. How awful is it that someone cannot speak their mind and people respond like that. Supposedly, Americans are "free" to say whatever they will. Now to hear there were death threats...are you kidding me? It's kind of like, 'sure you are free to speak your mind, but if you don't think like us, then you are garbage.'

And you know what? I bought their new cd and it is very powerful, smart and in your face. How I love that. Even if you are not a fan of country....it doesn't matter, it's just plain good music...regardless. And you know what else? I just bought tickets to see them in concert. I believe in what they have to say and hope they have new fans and the loyal ones will always win out. To me, there is nothing more patriotic than exercising your right to say what you want and then no matter who comes down on you, having the kahonas to stand your ground, never waivering....

That's what America should be about....

Shameless plugging:

If you haven't listened, give it a try

www.dixiechicks.com

Taking The Long Way
Dixie Chicks

Living Life In Drag

I believe in the process of coming out, first to oneself and later to whomever we choose. No matter when or how you choose to come out, it's a struggle. It's been 13 years since I came out to myself and about 11 since I came out to my family. It's been amazing to me that once you come out, you keep doing it over and over...that makes it easier, I suppose. But even still, there is no way to be all the way out to everyone you know.

Even though knowing I was gay, I never wanted to be totally obvious. I don't consider myself totally butch but am definitely not overtly feminine, though I can be if I choose(although, no fingernails or makeup please). I was pretty much covered when I first came out because I had a daughter, she was only 4 at that time. And I've had more men hit on me since I've been out than I ever had when I was living the straight life. BUT....

It's a never ending cycle how we, as THE GAYS, are always hovering around that closet door once we are out. Somehow, we must go back in and pretend to be part of the majority. I think it's just wrong, but I understand it. Case in point:

In my line of work, I am with people who have developmental disabilities. They, like everyone else, has been raised or taught that being gay is just wrong and God says so. Oh how many times have I been witness to this argument and I have to listen and attempt with every ounce of restraint I have, not to get on my soapbox. My current job, I've only been there for almost 3 months. I have one client whom I adore and is very high functioning....he talks about politics, the war, drugs...you name it. He lives with his parents, who have farmed their whole life. One day he says to me as we were walking, "You know...it's like these homos and lesbians. They say they should be allowed to be married. But the bible says, God made woman for man and he saw it was good. It's the word of God."

What can I say? To tell him that I am one of "those people" would definitely ruin the relationship I've been building since I began this job. That relationship is vital to what I do and what he does. So once again, I go into the closet...but it also occurs to me that being gay is not ALL that I am, it's only a part of me. Being gay does not rule my life and I am grateful I am able to not "look" like I am gay. It's sad that it has to be that way, that one way of life governs another. How I have always wished that all of the people that bash us, think ill of us, could live our lives for a day...if being gay were the majority. Now wouldn't that be something....

Regulations of Being American

I love living in America. I wouldn't live anywhere else and granted, I've only been to 2 other countries, France and Canada, but there is so much beauty to America and good things, there's no where else I'd rather be. That being said however, I have learned that good things come with a price. Price is one thing, but stupidity is quite another.

The government in America leaves alot to be desired. The more I learn, the more disgusted I am. I work with mentally disabled adults, with various disabilities ranging from autism to Down's Syndrome. Most of them are learning to live on their own, have a job in the community and be a productive part of society. All of them get a monthly check from Social Security and sometime SSI. I've been through the SSI part as my daughter was on that and probably still is. I have a client now who works through the sheltered workshop within the agency I work for a couple days a week and also works at Mcdonalds, whenever they decide to give him some hours. These hours are few and far between and only 4 hours at a time. So, clearly, it is not a stable thing. SSI sent him several letters stating they were cutting him off completely as he made too much money and was no longer eligible. This went on for a couple month. Then suddenly, he gets another letter saying HE OWES THEM the overpayment because, gee, he made SO much money they shouldn't have paid him anything. WHAT?! That's right, no matter what, it's your fault they made the mistake and you must pay them back. These are people can never and will never make much money due to their disabilities. It makes me so angry...whatever happened to taking responsibility for your actions? We all know the government will never do that and penalizes the very people it proposes to protect, by keeping them running around in a circle, never learning to get ahead.

Gee, and then I hear there are FLAG RULES. There are flag regulations you must follow to proudly hang your American Flag. I did not know this. There has to be a light above it at all times and can only hang so many feet from the ground. What? This seems crazy to me....Why must there be rules for all these things? There are no rules when an illegal alien burns the flag. Don't get me started on them....

And isn't funny how we, as gay Americans are expected to pay our taxes, yet...have no other rights as American citizens?

Oh yes, I'm proud to be an American....but...