The REAL Final Frontier

Death. I stare at the word and even the letters that make up the word have some kind of aura. For those couple of people who read my blog, it may appear as if I am talking about death too much. I probably am, but now it is ever present on my mind.

January 8th was Cindy's and my 3 year anniversary! YAY! Well we decided to get away this past weekend and go to Ames, Iowa and take Brittany along the way to stay with my aunt. There is a to die for BBQ place there and good shopping. Plus, it's where I graduated from college and it's nice to go back. So Saturday we drove to drop Brittany off at my aunt's house and left for Ames, outside of Marshalltown, IA. Cindy and I checked into our hotel, then did some shopping and went to clog our arteries with BBQ. After we finally fit out the door, we went to the mall to walk around. While at Penny's I got the call. It said it was from my grandma June, but somehow I knew the moment had come for her. Yep, it was my aunt(on my mother's side, not the one Brittany was staying with). She said that my grandmother had just passed away a little while ago. For the past few months, my grandmother had been talking about death quite alot, stating she was just waiting for her time to go. She would have been 90 years old this year. It's hard to fathom those numbers.

So Cindy and I decided to stay an extra day as there was to be a "family viewing" Monday(yesterday) at 1pm. As in my last entry, I've stated how I cannot handle viewing the body and it's better for me not to. Well, I knew that I would have to on this day, as there was to be no memorial service until June or July. The other part of this is about my mother. My mother probably had not seen her own mother in 6 months and barely called her. It's been 19 years since I've seen my mother and I have always had this moment in my head that I would finally see her at my grandmother's funeral. Could someone be so cold to their own mother, even in death?

Yes. My mother did not show up for the visitation, though she lives 3 hours away. The same distance that I do. In fact, as of Saturday evening, she hadn't bothered to call my brother in Colorado to tell him...though she called other people not even closely related to her. I called my brother Saturday evening to tell him. I feel sad for my mother in a way, even though she did this to herself. I heard the whispers about how my mother hasn't even seen her only grandchild. My aunt stated, "well she is the one that has to live with herself." and it's true. To say I don't understand my mother would be the understatement of the century. Obviously, she holds a strong grudge against her own mother also, one that is wasted. So much has been wasted, not the least of all, time.

If there is one thing I've learned from my mother, it's becoming the person she's not.

Death and the Girlfriend

Death. It's so final. There's no more sunny skies, no more enjoying all that waking up everyday has to give you. I guess that is the most difficult part for me to imagine. Maybe once I get older I will become more at peace with the notion, but right now, it boggles my mind.

Thursday was my friend Julie's visitation. Since she was in the military for 21 years, she received a full military funeral. She deserved that, without question. For me, I cannot deal with seeing the body of someone I know and cared about. I know that many people need to see that body so they know they are really gone and to say their goodbyes. I am not one of those people. From the time I was young and went to my first funeral, I've had visions. Yes, I see dead people. Not psychic visions or anything that exciting...but for the few visitations I've been to, that is the picture in my mind for a long time afterward. It's just too much. I would much rather remember that person as they were in their glory...not lying in a casket. So I chose not to go to the visitation, but the funeral instead. Cindy said she wished I was there...but I don't.

So the funeral was Friday. What a beautiful service it was. Julie was the ultimate lesbian. Many of her old girlfriends showed up and people I've known from "the pack". Julie was the 'love'em and leave'em' type for sure, but there were a select few that meant the world to her. She lived for lust and when that got old, she moved on. But I have to believe she was very happy in the last year and a half with her girlfriend Jeanie. I had to smile when I saw the huge turnout because I knew Julie was watching and loving every damn minute...knowing all the attention she was getting.

From the time this all happened to Julie, I've been concerned about how Julie's girlfriend would be treated. Afterall, she was the one who found Julie, the one who called 911 and most especially, the one in Julie's life. I thought maybe since Julie's sister, T(Cindy's ex), is also gay, that she would understand and not push her aside like she meant nothing. But I was wrong. So T and another friend Julie(who was Julie's ex GF and the one she was still the closest to) went to Texas to take her off life support. They made all these arrangements, I'm sure with the help of the military, and I never heard a word about Jeanie.

I really did not approve of the way this funeral home was set up for Julie's funeral. The family was set up in one room and friends and others in another room adjacent to it. So we were separated from the family and could not see the family. Oh there was a tv screen that people in the back could probably see, but it just felt wrong. What was even more wrong was that Jeanie sat with us. Some friends of ours let them sit in the front row out of respect, but she should have been in with the family. I started thinking that if something happened to Cindy right now, this is where I would be delegated...to the friend room. The problem I have is that there were other "friends" there in the family room. Who was closer to Julie than her girlfriend? Jeanie was not even mentioned as a CLOSE friend in the obituary or the little pamphlet that was handed out when we walked in.

I said to Cindy how wrong this was and told her, "Julie sure as hell wouldn't take a back seat to anyone!" Cindy laughed and said, "Hell no, she wouldn't."

As far as we've come...I wonder if we'll always be in the friend room...