Clean Up on Aisle BRITTANY

Shoot, I need something industrial strength and commercial sized to clean up that mess. Brittany is now going to have to clean up her own messes now and a big part of me has thrown up my hands and said, "Hey kid, you're on your own." I am careful not to totally diss her because I could never do what my mother did and wait 20 years to find out if she learned life's lessons. Now, I am not saying my mother didn't have just cause...I think she just wanted a break from all the bullshit. Hell, I know the feeling. Nothing makes me understand my mother more than what's happened with Brittany.

Brittany called and came to visit earlier this week. We sat and talked and it was interesting. Granted, I was distressed(or disgusted) by the hickies on her neck blaring out at me like a foghorn, but I listened. She was telling me how her friends were falling to the wayside. "I thought I had it all figured out," she says. Hmmm, don't we all? I said, "welcome to Adultland." These people are actually helping her apply for food stamps and reapply for medical, etc. I felt good about that at least. Okay, I thought....maybe she was seeing what I've been saying. Or at the very least, there was hope. Then on Thursday I received this message on my cell phone (voice mail). "Hey you jerk, don't you ever call your fucking daughter?"

Okay...maybe I am totally old school, but I do not find the humor in that. I let Cindy listen to it and I told her that Brittany would tell me she was just joking. SHE should know I would NOT find that amusing. I had this feeling she was with Courtney but I can find nothing within me to think that's okay. But...if I think about Brittany's demeanor with me for her lifetime...most of her language to me has been terribly disrespectful. It makes me sick, because I know I didn't raise her that way. So Brittany calls me later and I attempted to talk to her and she says "I was just joking!" and then it was "Whatever" and Click. So I haven't heard from her since. I cannot imagine talking to anyone like that, even people I don't like.

Yesterday I totally cleaned her room and put the bed out in the shed. I also took what was left of her things and put them in a bin. I love looking at the room now. Just a bookcase a cabinet and the treadmill I'm getting back on come Monday. So as I am cleaning said room, what do I find under her bed? A condom. Still packaged thank GOD. After that, I had more rum and coke. The thought of it makes me EWWWWW. But I told myself that I should be glad she had it...but then again, she left it. UGH. I think whomever invented rum and coke...especially rum, must have had a daughter. It's a beautiful thing. The rum that is.

As for me, I am not sure I mentioned that I got to see my mother on May 30. Was it strange, too. Somehow, as much as her voice was always in my head, I'd forgotten what it actually sounded like. I went to her first and she hugged me right away and we had a nice nice talk. I feel liberated somehow. True, there is much to get through, but somehow someway, my grandmother brought us together.

Here's to RUM. YAY

Who Knew?

Yes, it's me. Long lost me. There's so much to tell, I'm not sure where to begin. Our sweet loving dog Cody is gone now. It seems impossible that he's not here. We discovered he had a massive tumor and he being 12 years old was not a candidate for surgery. Cindy decided she just wanted to keep him comfortable. A few days later, he threw up clotted blood, so we knew it was time to make that horrifying decision. My God...I don't remember crying so hard as we were with him at that moment. It was so fast and peaceful for him. He gave us kisses before it happened, I think, to let us know he was ready. I think the hardest part is not seeing him when I open the door and at treat time. Knowing he is at peace and not suffering makes it okay.

Brittany...well, she finally graduated May 25th. And 2 days later, she moved out. I gave her a small party on Sunday and then she spent the night with her friend Courtney, came home on Monday (memorial day) and left to go to her boyfriend's father and stepmother's house. This boyfriend is 15 and has been kicked out of school for hitting a teacher or threatening one. I just shake my head. She never came home that night, no call, nothing. Then Tuesday after a couple of phone calls, Brittany finally calls me to say she is moving out. These people invited her to move in. She's known them maybe a couple of months. These people have no clue and neither does Brittany. But, like she told me, "you can't stop me." She was right, I cannot. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I've worked my ass off to get things right for her, to get her started and now here we are. So, I am letting go and letting her find out for herself. She has called me several times, all happy and giddy, expecting me to feel the same way. She has come over here acting like she's at a slumber party. I've already reminded her..."hey you made your decision, so you are going to have to figure it out yourself."

Even BIGGER news is...I received a birthday card from my mother! I've been writing to her more since my grandmother passed away in January. I never knew if she was reading them. My brother told me she called him and talked about it, so then I knew she was. So May 30th was my grandmother's memorial service and I saw her for the first time in over 19 years. I made the first move and went over to her and she hugged me and even introduced me as her daughter to some people I didn't know. Then afterwards we all went to the MOOSE (lodge) for sandwiches and we sat and talked and talked. She hugged me when she left saying it was good to see me, talk to me and that she was reading my letters. It's almost like a dream and seems crazy. Maybe time heals the wounds. I feel like a part of me is waking up that has been asleep for so long. I knew I couldn't give up...though I had my doubts it would ever happen. I was not a great young adult and caused her the grief that I am feeling now with Brittany. But boy have I learned alot. However it will pan out...it's how it's supposed to be. Good things come from bad things sometimes.

Ps. Happy BELATED birthday kmae(since we have the same one!)

Love and peace