Living Life In Drag

I believe in the process of coming out, first to oneself and later to whomever we choose. No matter when or how you choose to come out, it's a struggle. It's been 13 years since I came out to myself and about 11 since I came out to my family. It's been amazing to me that once you come out, you keep doing it over and over...that makes it easier, I suppose. But even still, there is no way to be all the way out to everyone you know.

Even though knowing I was gay, I never wanted to be totally obvious. I don't consider myself totally butch but am definitely not overtly feminine, though I can be if I choose(although, no fingernails or makeup please). I was pretty much covered when I first came out because I had a daughter, she was only 4 at that time. And I've had more men hit on me since I've been out than I ever had when I was living the straight life. BUT....

It's a never ending cycle how we, as THE GAYS, are always hovering around that closet door once we are out. Somehow, we must go back in and pretend to be part of the majority. I think it's just wrong, but I understand it. Case in point:

In my line of work, I am with people who have developmental disabilities. They, like everyone else, has been raised or taught that being gay is just wrong and God says so. Oh how many times have I been witness to this argument and I have to listen and attempt with every ounce of restraint I have, not to get on my soapbox. My current job, I've only been there for almost 3 months. I have one client whom I adore and is very high functioning....he talks about politics, the war, drugs...you name it. He lives with his parents, who have farmed their whole life. One day he says to me as we were walking, "You know...it's like these homos and lesbians. They say they should be allowed to be married. But the bible says, God made woman for man and he saw it was good. It's the word of God."

What can I say? To tell him that I am one of "those people" would definitely ruin the relationship I've been building since I began this job. That relationship is vital to what I do and what he does. So once again, I go into the closet...but it also occurs to me that being gay is not ALL that I am, it's only a part of me. Being gay does not rule my life and I am grateful I am able to not "look" like I am gay. It's sad that it has to be that way, that one way of life governs another. How I have always wished that all of the people that bash us, think ill of us, could live our lives for a day...if being gay were the majority. Now wouldn't that be something....