Lean Back and say "AHHHHH!"

Here it is once again: Summer. The kids are out of school and blah blah blah (guitar solo in my mind) . Kids everywhere...if I wasn't already a lesbian, I'd become one. One without kids...you know, a true lesbian. Surprised I'd say such a thing when I have a daughter? Yah me too. DISCLAIMER: Yes I love my daughter with all of my heart and would not change a thing (Hmmm let me ponder that for a moment). To think of life without her (hmmmm ahhh--okay, I am back to reality now) is unimagineable. I would never know the struggle of life and attempting to bounce back when there's no where to go but up.

I'm not the most political person...but I've noticed, like many others, the decline of morality. Oh there are those who say the gays and lesbians of course, know nothing of morality...well, just look at them! Yah, just look at us! I don't fault gays and lesbians for having kids together...if it's what makes them happy and everyone is for it, go for it. It's just not something I could do. I did it all on my own....the GROSS way and dealt with the consequences. That being said...I've grown to be quite pessimistic when it comes to today's parents. I sometimes think there is too much technology...although it has some awfully good points. I see kids with their IPODS in the grocery store with their parents. I think it's the most disrespectful thing when you drown out your parents. My mother would have had a fit. No one can talk to anyone or do anything without a cellphone in their ear...can't drive without one and yes, it's good for an emergency. Do we really think Paris Hilton is calling for an emergency every time we've seen her with her cell phone in one hand and her ugly little dog in the other? (Sorry to all the dogs out there). It disgusts me to even mention her name but I see it everywhere. Oh yes, I have a cell phone and I use it for work and of course friends and family...I love having it but I've learned to survive when I don't have something. Kids with cell phones and IPODS....I love music myself...have to turn it on in the morning first thing. It's all taken the place of talking to each other, face to face.

Maybe the world has gotten so violent, rude and immoral, that we just want to drown it out.

So now I lean back and listen to my inner child say "AHHHHHHH"

Peace and Quiet For Everyone

A BIg Bag of DUH

As I walk around this planet, I am continually baffled by people younger than me...the clothes they wear, the hardware they wear, the way they talk and conduct themselves. Okay maybe it's because I am approaching middle age. Though in contrast to my daughter feeling I came over on the Mayflower...I am only 42, so actual middle age has not knocked on my door. (And if it has, I have been out carousing!) I find myself shaking my head.

One of the things I see that I cannot work out in my mind is this practice by men(and a few strange women) of wearing their jeans down below not only their waist but below their butt(I am being clean for the moment). I say EWWW. In today's world, apparently it's appropriate for one to show their boxers to everyone. I had not yet seen any guy with regular underwear showing until a couple weeks ago. Can you imagine regular Joe Blow with his white BVDs showing (stomach gurgling)? So a couple weeks ago, I saw the front of this guy, who happened to be african american, where his jeans were down in the front showing his underoos....they were not boxers, but colored underwear. Maybe this is why the straight women hang on these guys...a promise what's to come. It makes me laugh and I will tell you what I recently read of the nature of this practice.

I do not know how many people know this, if it is true or not, but I found it hilarious. I choose to believe it is true. I apologize I cannot recall the name of the man who wrote the article.

There was an article(it could have been JET magazine) from a minister who had been in prison when he was younger and stated that the young people who practice this ritual would not do this if they knew its origin. According to this man, this started in the prisons. If a man wore his pants below his waist, showing his underwear, that meant he was available for a good ole time and wanted some action.

I am quite sure this has not been publicized or so many people would not be wearing their pants down to their ankles. If you look at the pants they wear..they are actually manufactured so one can wear them below the waist.

Maybe I will never understand this ritual, but at least I know of all they young men that are available.

Of course, it makes no difference to a lesbian.

Happy Days

What It Is...and What It Shall Be

Here I am....just when I needed me the most. As it's been awhile between posts, here I am in all of my mediocre splendor..or is it Splenda? Who knows at this point.

As I digress...life has settled in a bit for all of us. Brittany has settled in and become comfortable and while that could be considered a good thing, it brings about the behaviors I have expected. Oh they are not nearly what I remember from years ago, but it really brings home what I've always known to be true. The girl needs some help to find her own road. I think my work with my clients that are DD(Developmentally Disabled...I refuse the word "retarded") has helped to calm me from my younger days with Brittany. Now that I am doing more teaching than physically taking care of them, I can understand more. There are communication issues. Hell, we all blow up and realize later maybe we should have talked it through. Brittany can manipulate with the best of them. It's been almost 6 years living without her...

God how I miss just missing her! LOL But for some reason, some higher power put her on my door step again for me to deal with. So I am doing what I have to do to help her help herself. My job as her mother is NOT to do it for her. A client's mother told me once, "You can love your child, but you have to make sure someone else loves her, too, because you won't always be around."

Cindy has been a dream come true...I always thought so, but every day I am reminded just how special she is. She's bought clothes and helped her organize her room and so many things. Brittany loves her and does things around the house...with a little nudging now, but has not argued too much.

I've found out that Brittany can graduate in December if she wants. So what I plan to be looking into in the meantime is finding her the right programs that offer vocational skills and real life training skills...like what I do.

I'm sure life will never be the same again...it can't. Life works out how it's meant to...like it or NOT.

So for my birthday on 5/24....I am taking myself away from here, by myself and going to visit my grandmothers. Kind of a treat to myself...and Lordy am I ever looking forward to it!

Hang in there folks!!

Peace Love and Hugs

That Which Does Not Kill Us....

Yah, whatever. Okay, so it won't kill me and I know I've been through worse catastrophes...but it all still baffles me. Here's the update:

Brittany is here, a part of my NOW life. I still to this day, have not heard one word from the foster mother, S. (I feel like being mean and typing her whole name...but I digress). I have been on the phone constantly attempting to figure out things that should have already been figured out. Brittany is in school here and has even made a few friends, which thrills me to no end. She says she is happy here, there have been no angry outbursts, though there have been some intense emotional conversations. I've worked with her on talking about things instead of shutting herself off. I take the time to sit with her and talk things out. She has thanked me many times for allowing her to move in and told me how sorry she is that all this has happened. I really do believe her and feel good that she is aware of how much things have changed for everyone. She adores Cindy and we all entertain each other.

I have been making the rounds with social security and am now trying to get her on medicaid, which I do think will go through. My brother who just graduated with honors in Psychology has helped get me some information to get her tested with a neuropsychologist to see where things stand. What a kid! Both of them! LOL

So...all in all...I know it will work out how it is supposed to. I really believe that it's the best thing, though the stress of it all has me going insane.

Oh well. Life is a highway...now I'm on the detour.

P.S. Hi KMAE...what are you doing for OUR birthday? 5/24? LOL

Peace and HUGS

Life Turned Upside Down...Again

Greetings from a place I call UPSIDE DOWNVILLE...population at least 2 working on 3...

Who knew April would be so damn cold and full of life altering decisions. Oh, but I guess most decisions are life altering. It's the extent to which they alter your life that is the point. You may think I am overreacting, but I know that there are major consequences that affect my entire life and that of the woman I love more than anything.

Here it is: I shall try to be shorter this time as I noticed my post from last time was oh so long winded.

Brittany flew here on Friday 3/30. Before this took place, I attempted several times up to the day before, to find out Brittany's exact flight info. All I knew was that she was leaving Salt Lake City @ 4:45pm and getting into St. Louis @ 10pm. No one bothered to tell me anything else. I know that Brittany's foster family (mother) would not want to be treated this way. But, apparently it's okay for me. So Friday morning, I call the foster home at least 5 times...no answer and I left a message. So I keep calling and finally get someone. I believe he is Brittany's foster brother. He says "they" have left already. I assume "they" is the foster mother (S) and Brittany. He tells me he does not know what airline but he will call his mom and ask AND call me back. After 20 minutes, he does not call, so I call AGAIN. He says, "My mom must have her phone off but I called my sister and she knew it was Frontier." It was clear he had no intention of calling me back. So this I could work with, but no one could be bothered to tell me ahead of time. This already set me off.

So Brittany flies in. I did not know if it was a non-stop or there was a connecting flight. Cindy did some searching on the internet and narrowed it down. Brittany calls me from Salt Lake saying the plane was a few minutes late and that she had a layover in Denver. So when Brittany gets here, she has no return flight info. And so begins more phone calls. Brittany called home several times and then I began calling. I was told by Brittany's foster sister that Brittany bought the ticket and no one had any idea what it was or about a return. She also told me that she was attempting to convince her mother NOT to take Brittany back due to her increasingly violent behaviors. Believe me, I understand this...and I told her that but I wanted to know what was going on. Was it YES or NO. She said that she would have her mom call me. So for days afterward, I would call at least twice per day. I finally quit calling last Thursday.
I have found out Brittany only bought a one way ticket and of course the "sister" tells me Brittany meant to do it and it was all her. I do not believe that as Brittany was planning on going back to work Saturday(yesterday).

So now, I have to assume Brittany is moving in. Not to mention that she has another year of school left...and also the rest of this year. I've called the police and they referred me to Family Services so they are trying to figure out what is going on. Now I am left to figure out what to do. I was not expecting this in my lap and not only does it turn my life upside down, it does Cindy's too. She has been a dream, being so supportive of me and of Brittany. I worry about this with Cindy, though...as she is not out to her family and even she does not understand how she will explain it. We have a 2 bedroom house. I offered to move out, though knowing I could never make it financially with the job I have. Though I would try....but Cindy won't hear of it.

Such is life....enjoy what you have when you have it...cuz it can change on a dime.
Peace and hugs

18 Years and Counting...

Here it is...March 17th already. Today, 18 years ago, a new and beautiful creature entered my life. Brittany. Oh how today is bittersweet, especially knowing what I know has transpired.

Brittany is coming for a visit on March 30th, for 1 week. Yesterday I learned that what I've been saying for years has come true. Brittany is on a downward spiral and for now, I have to sit and watch it. How it hurts to be right sometimes.

A few days ago, Brittany called me in the middle of the day, around 2pm(1pm her time). I asked why she wasn't in school. She tells me she was kicked out. This has never happened before. SHE tells me that some boy punched her. SHE says he began calling her names out of nowhere and just hauled off and punched her. Knowing Brittany the way I do...it didn't seem to fit. Just a few days before she told me, this same boy punched her in the face. I felt inside there was something more to the story.

Enter YESTERDAY. S(Brittany's foster mother) calls me. I finally learn that Brittany started this fight, she was the instigator and the aggressor and the one who name called the boy. The boy, Colin, was a boyfriend of Brittany's for a very short period of time. The story plays out like you'd expect from teenagers. Brittany's so-called "friend" Chelsea had dated this boy, then they broke up. She encouraged Brittany to go out with him. Brittany dumped her long time boyfriend(whom she never saw as he lived in a neighboring city 12 miles away) and pursued this boy. He bought Brittany a dozen roses, candy...the whole works for Valentine's day. Chelsea became livid as the boy never spent money on her while they were dating. Chelsea most likely told Colin stuff about Brittany and he dumped her. This girl has helped to turn Brittany into a raging maniac. Brittany has turned her back on her family that she's been with since she was 12. She comes and goes when she wants, hollers and screams obscenities, slams doors. They are all afraid to say hello for fear she will go off and she will. So the story goes that Brittany was late for school and they lock the doors. The boy happened to see her and said, "Ha! Got locked out, eh?" Brittany pushed him down screaming all kinds of obscenities as in the ole M. F. word. So he punched her...but 4 teachers witnessed this and they were both suspended.

In the interim S had to call the police to intervene when Brittany became unmanageable, as she has assaulted S several times. Even the District Atty has been involved and it was stated that there might be charges filed against her. The issue is that she was so close to being 18 and at 18, she is legally and adult. Brittany is supposed to call the judge and talk to him herself and as far as I know, she has not. The police officer and a youth officer informed S that she "Cannot live this way," and must practice tough love. He told her that if she does not follow the rules and storms out, for her to lock the door and not let her in, no matter what. S wanted me to know in case Brittany calls me. If she does, S suggested that I tell her to call the Police for help and they will find somewhere for her to go. They said Brittany definitely has an anger issue.

I spent yesterday attempting to pull myself together enough to work. I think about her anger. This has been ongoing and building up since she was at least 3 years old. I witnessed this rage in her. I just watched her in disbelief. That was at 3. Here she is, now at 18...only just out of control. I sit back wondering and asking myself...where did it all go wrong? I know I cannot afford to question this for too long because now it is up to me to once again try to get her the help she needs. No one listened to me all those years ago when I said something would happen and she would self-destruct if she didn't get help. She was taken off medication and not encouraged to go to counseling too much. Instead the focus was on me and my "poor parenting skills". I needed counseling and parenting classes. Now she is heading in that direction.

Brittany has invited herself to live with me when she graduates. I understand why she wants to be with me. In a perfect world, I would be elated as she has no idea how I have missed her every day she's been gone...every day for the past 6 years. I have been guilt ridden that I couldn't help her and keep her at home. I know in my heart of hearts that had I attempted to bring her back home all those years ago....I would not be here today. I knew enough to know she needed help I couldn't give her. Brittany had a few good years around middle school age, had very few incidences and even those S says she could get through. But...this is not a perfect world and I cannot right the wrongs in Brittany's life.

So here she comes for a visit. I do not know how this will go. I plan to take Brittany around to family to visit and spend little time at home with Cindy. I think the visit will go fine and the problem will be when she has to go back home. Now that it's come to this, I feel I must have a true heart to heart with Brittany when she gets here, letting her know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate what's been going on and if there are problems, she will go home early. I don't think it will be an issue as right now, I am the good mother. Who knows when that will wear off.

My task at hand? If she does come back here, I will find a placement for her. This will involve getting a newer diagnosis...she will have to agree to go and get some help and that will be no easy feat. She will have to know it's her only choice. Brittany has glamorized what living with me was like. I do not know if she truly has no conscience but I know she does not understand consequences for her actions. It's been the issue her entire life.

It breaks my heart knowing her life has taken this turn. I refuse to let it mess even one iota with my relationship with Cindy. I will do whatever is necessary to keep that from happening. I have some resources available to me through work and for that I am grateful.

I am writing the book on my experiences and here is another chapter...

Peace

HUG someone today...

10 Things That Irritate Me

Top 10 Things That Irritate Me

10. Bad Drivers--The ones who just can't wait til you pass to turn in front of you

9. Men who have to touch themselves--are they afraid it's all going to fall off?

8. Parents who allow their kids to have mohawks or colored hair--especially at 3 years old

7. Young people who have turned gothic-- someone somewhere told them chains, tattoos and everything pierced was a good idea. After awhile, all that blackness brings a person down.

6. Those Baggy Britches--what is the purpose? Is it to show everyone your underwear? People that do this also wear chains and have to reach way down to their ankles to get to their wallet. Believe me, it's no fashion statement.

5. Walmart--plain evilness. It's all there is in this town where I live...and they know it.

4. Screaming Spoiled Kids--I've been here before and I hate being that parent. I would drop everything and leave when Brittany would try that. It should not be tolerated...amazing what happens when you take control.

3. Hypocrisy--Say what you mean and mean what you say

2. Men who feel they have to control women---get a grip

1. THE GOVERNMENT--everything about it....we are all mushrooms. To quote a song, "they feed us bull and keep us in the blind..." Thank you Travis Tritt. Anyone reading this blog should watch the documentary "WHY WE FIGHT". It is the best movie ever made, though will most likely never win an oscar.

QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Never Ending Circle

Well...here I am at yet another crossroads in my life. Just when you think things are calm and you can sit back and enjoy it...here it comes.

Brittany was coming for a visit and I was preparing for this week of bittersweet happenings. As she saved her money, she was excited. This being said however, Brittany's future is questionable. Her life is out of control. This is what I was so scared of and now it is coming to light. Brittany has made life hell for her foster family and now they truly see what I was talking about. Brittany does not want to talk to anyone. Instead, everyone is walking on eggshells wondering if she will blow like Mt Saint Helens. She needs help getting her plane ticket and she is burning her bridges and refuses to sit down and talk to anyone. She told me, "I don't like to talk to people." I told her that people are everywhere and she is going to have to learn to talk, bite the bullet and put herself out there. She just refuses.

I spoke with the foster mother yesterday and I feel her pain because I was there 6 years ago. Now she has asked me to find a place for Brittany to go as she will be 18 next month and she feels Brittany will take off once she knows she can and the guardianship is over. I am not sure this will happen, but I am working on some things here. Since Brittany has invited herself to just come back to live with me, I am in the process of finding a placement for her...group home or some transitional placement where she can learn daily skills. This is what I do for a living, so it is good I have people to talk to and some connections. Knowing this is what has to happen for her to survive just breaks my heart. She needs some intervention and it's up to me to do something now.

How ironic is my life...here it is back to me where it started. Life will never be the same again.

Peace for all of us

Goobledy Gook

Wow...it HAS been awhile. There is a special entry coming soon. But until then...here is what I've been up to.

Christmas was both wonderful and oh so sad...I lost one of my best friends to that evil thing Cancer. I watched my youngest brother graduate with honors and distinction in Psychology from University of Iowa and spent an early Christmas with my dad and both my brothers...something that hasn't happened for a long while. Also spent Christmas with my grandmother and a whole bunch of relatives...thank god that isn't every year(the other relatives, the weird ones).

My daughter Brittany is flying in for a visit the end of March. I was planning on driving to Wyoming, but after speaking to her foster mom, I decided otherwise. She stated to me that she thought she should spend her own money for the ticket and if she didn't save it, then there is her consequence. And also that it would be better to wait until AFTER she is 18. I have been worried about something happening...another made up story as in the past. After what happened 3 years ago with her stating I sexually abused her on a home visit, I was not about to go through that again. But now that she will already be 18, she will have to face her own legal consequences should that happen. I decided the foster mom was right. And actually Brittany is very excited about flying in to see me, has saved her money, $250 so far. So I am taking the week off and taking her around to see family. My intention is to not take any chances for Cindy. It's sad to not trust my own daughter, but I cannot let my guard down.

Another good thing: I have really started writing this book regarding my experiences with Brittany. I found a journal I'd written in the thick of the mess.

AND Cindy and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary! It amazes me how much I fall in love with that woman every day. My family loves her and sometimes I think they love her so much they forget the nature of our relationship! LMAO It's fascinating to me. I told Cindy, "They don't even care that you are gay!" LOL

Work is good and though depressing when I received my W2 and saw I barely made over $10,000. But I could not leave, I love it so much. Gotta write and sell the ole book!

I'll be back soon!!!!

The TRUE Testament

Yes....every once and awhile it's nice to discover a verification of why I am a gay woman. Oh I've had several of them over the years...

There was that time that guy(who was married and had no clue I was gay) made a pass at me...touching my leg TWICE. ***SHUDDER*** I took 2 showers to try to scrub out the memory. It was then I thought..."YEP, I am SOOOO Gay." It really helps you to know you can never go back and it's really who you are, it's not just saying you are gay.

There was a few times when I was much younger that I had a notion I was BI(sorry that I just don't understand that notion)...met a really good guy but when it came down to sleeping with him...Lordy, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now, I am not saying there are not good men in this world, because there are. In fact, there have been a couple in my life over the years that really made me wish I wasn't gay. I've always said, I like men, as long as they keep their clothes on and accept that I don't want them and sleeping with them will NOT make me suddenly decide I was wrong about myself.

This being said...I made yet another discovery a couple days ago while at the mall. Yes, a TRUE TESTAMENT of why I am such a big ole lesbian.

I saw 4 men...they were young, 3 of them were black and one was hispanic. I only mention this fact because I have seen this before in black men, the younger ones especially. Though I am not saying it's a racial thing...it's a MAN thing. The mall of course, is full of Christmas and kids and people galore. Here comes these 4 men, and 3 of them are grabbing themselves, trying to find their special "friend" that I guess is present in all of their important decisions. One guy actually let go, but then just couldn't resist finding it again. Now I have to wonder...was he attempting some telekenesis to decide on what store to go into...was he asking his "friend" his opinion about whatever they were all talking about? I am not sure. Are these things made of GOLD where they just MUST touch them for good luck? All I can say is EWWWWW

Do women really find this attractive? When I asked a coworker if they truly were made of gold, she says, "Uh no, they are not." LOL

SO all I can say is THANK GOD I AM GAY...

Not to say that women don't have some peculiar things going on...cuz I know they do..but that's another book.

Merry Christmas TO all

Love and Peace

Something Smells...

Once again I am rambling on about my job and the nature of it. I know I am lucky to know all of the clients I work with...those that are often called "retarded" which is a term I detest and it doesn't describe anything about those wonderful people I've had the honor of knowing.

I've worked for many agencies that are designed to "help" these people and in many aspects, they do. Of course, as with any company, there are problems and nothing goes down as perfect. But some things are just wrong.

Now the agency I work for has outside Case Managers for our clients...which this is different than the other agencies I've worked for. This is set up through the county. Yes another government agency...how appropriate. This is my beef...

I have a client, I will call her "K". She is the one who keeps me smiling, laughing and loving my job even at such a low pay rate. K's mother is very involved in her daughter's care and well being and doesn't just live in the moment, is attempting to plan for K's future, knowing she won't always be around for K. My job is based in something called HOME AND COMMUNITY BASED SERVICES where I train K on certain skills to assist her in becoming more independent. For K this includes shopping, laundry skills training, exercise and cleaning/domestic skills. Now when I began this job, I could tell there was a distinct school of thought about K's mother. K's mother is on the board of directors for my agency. My coworkers and my boss have a distinct distaste for K's mother. I, on the other hand, have gotten to know her and do not fear her nor does she intimidate me. We have a connection and this is due to the fact that I know where she is coming from. All of the things she does and asks for are for K and wanting to know how her daughter's time is being spent and what she is doing. Apparently, my agency and the county does not think she should be so involved and just accept whatever she gets. I find this just deplorable. And because she doesn't just sit back...she asks for answers...so she is the unreasonable bitch. K's case manager from the county AND her boss, the DIRECTOR, avoid phone calls...never return them, don't want to step up and say yes or no, but instead avoid K's mother like the plague. Now...they keep dicking her around when all she is asking for is YES or NO so she can move on to other areas.

Gee, can you tell this is a GOVERNMENT agency??? Just when you think you've seen all the bullshit you think your mind can comprehend...here comes another pile. And does it ever smell....

Here's my List...checkin it twice

Howdy there...
I saw this on KMAE'S blog and thought I'd try it....


1. What is your occupation? Caseworker

2. What color are your socks right now? Black

3. What are you listening to right now? Christmas music on XM

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Fish sticks and Fries

5. Can you drive a stick shift? My car is a stick, so YES

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Lavender

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My girlfriend

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Of COURSE!

9. How old are you today? 41

10. Favorite drink? mocha latte, double shot

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? FOOTBALL, it's the bomb!

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope never have

13. Pets-- Spitz dog, Cody and Siamese Cat, Checkers...my gf's but now mine too

14. Favorite food- -- mashed potatoes and gravy and then, Italian

15. What was the last movie you watched? Another gay movie(AWFUL and waste of time)

16 Favorite day of the year? March 17....My daughter's birthday and then January 8(day I met Cindy)

17. What do you do to vent anger? yell, write

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? electronic battleship

19. What is your favorite season? Fall

21. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? You bet

23. Who is most likely to respond? hard to say

24. Who is least likely to respond? Hmmmm

25. Living arrangements? Me and my girl Cindy, the dog and the cat

26. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday listening to a song in the car

27. What is on the floor of your closet? My dresser

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest you are sendng this to? 2 years

29. What did you do last night? watched football

30. Favorite smells? My girl's body spray

31. What inspires you? People with disabilities

32. What are you afraid of? Death

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? I say CHEESY and SPICY

34. Favorite dog breed? jack russell

35. Number of keys on your key ring. 10

36 How many years at your current job? 1 year in March

37. Favorite day of the week? Saturdays

38. Favorite holiday - Thanksgiving

39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Forklift

40. Confident? most often

A Whole Mess of Wrong Doings

Well...here I am again shooting off my mouth about what's wrong with the world today. Let it be said that I know there are alot of things that are right. In my line of work, I see all kinds of things that involve the well being of those who cannot always speak for themselves. These are people that others in their world have just shoved aside like yesterday's newspaper. Unfortunately, the government is involved in their lives...mostly Social Security and the Department of Human Services(DHS). Now, I have had my own dealings, personally, with these agencies and no matter what state you are in, it's always the same crap to wade through. See what y'all think about this:

One of my coworkers works with a client I will call S. The other day, my coworker was out with S and a conversation ensued. An innocent conversation turned serious. S talked about her stepfather "hurting" her and she ended up showing my coworker by pressing down her stomach saying her stepfather hurts her and hurts her feelings. Now no matter if this is true, we are mandatory reporters. So with the backing of our boss, my coworker reported this to DHS. Come to discover, S's mother works for DHS. The person my coworker reported this to actually told her it probably wouldn't be investigated as, "I know that family and go to church with them....known them for a long time."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So now our boss thinks that S's mother will pull her daughter out of our program. Apparently, she is pissed off that much. Now instead of being pissed off that her own daughter is saying these things, shouldn't she find out why she is saying it? And it would not matter what agency she placed her daughter in...they would HAVE to report it.

What is wrong with these agencies can never be corrected when they decide not to take cases seriously because they know the family or it's a worker's family. What bullshit, but this is what the government has created...the "I'll scratch yours if you scratch mine" mentality. It begs the question: If this will not be investigated, what else is not investigated? How many children, disabled and elderly people have to endure abuse at the hands of their caretakers? And the one place you can go to make things right doesn't take you seriously. I thought of this when my daughter Brittany stated that I had abused her...because of her past problems, they did not take it seriously...but if no one investigates, how do they know nothing's going on? Every case should be investigated and treated as if something bad has happened...but should be investigated impartially. Obviously, that cannot happen in these agencies.

What else has to happen?

That's my rant, I'll be here all week.

All I Want For Christmas Is....For it to be OVER!

Just when Thanksgiving gets done with, knowing the madness has only just begun kinda gets my cackles in an uproar. Although, I have to say..my Thanksgiving was probably the best I've had in many years....if not the very best. My heart just melted having Cindy there, the love of my life and having everyone in my family accept her as part of the family. It made me feel so good to see my stepmother hug her while doing the dishes...don't moms just love it when someone steps up to do the dishes! LOL Cindy had to go home early and since we drove separate cars, I spent the night. My stepmother how well I did for myself having Cindy in my life and I had better "Mind your Ps & Qs." That always makes me laugh! My brothers were both there with their women LOL My brother and his wife came from Denver, CO and my younger brother was there with his girlfriend. Normally, I am not fond of holidays but I can feel it getting better. My stepmother even called to find out what Cindy and I wanted for Christmas! I feel so grateful. My dad, my grandmother, me and brothers stayed up late playing dominoes LOL It was good. Now if only Christmas were done and over with...there's never enough time or money. And why do we stress out so much...oh that's another entry!

It's THAT Time of Year...AGAIN

I welcome me back after what seems to be a long absence. I say this to all the people who read my blog..KMAE LOL

It's hard to believe it's going to be Thanksgiving already. For me, it will be a monumental one. This will be the FIRST Thanksgiving I've ever taken a girlfriend to a family holiday. My dad and stepmother just love Cindy and it's been an amazing transformation. To watch my dad say to her the last time we saw them, "I'll take a hug." LOL I'm sure my jaw was on the floor, and that is when they both invited her for Thanksgiving. My 2 brothers will be there, one who lives in Denver. My other brother who is 28 has not met Cindy yet and it will be good to be there. Ahh not to mention I have a 4 day weekend! It's been a long time since I've had a job where that has happened.

This being said...it's been a long time since I've loved Christmas. Since I've been with Cindy, I have enjoyed it. The holidays were always awful when Brittany was home with me, I know due to her behavioral disorders...though knowing that didn't make it any less stressful. Another reason I am not fond of Christmas is how early it starts and how commercial it is. It is disgusting how materialistic it becomes and it turns normally loving caring people into greedy demons. I'm telling you there is no toy, no eletronic device that I would stand in line at 5am to go buy. So, yes, I am difficult when it comes to birthdays and Christmas gifts...when people ask me what I want...I usually say "nothing" or "I don't know". I just can't tell someone there is something I want. It seems so greedy and self serving to me. If you want to buy me something and you know me pretty well, you already know what I like. Plus I never really ask anyone what they want, because the whole fun of it is the element of surprise, coming up with my own ideas. So maybe it's me that's messed up...who knows, but it's just me.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Making Sense Out of a Senseless Tragedy

There is no way to do it, I don't care how you try, it cannot be done. Recently, a family in Iowa was killed "Allegedly" by the oldest son. It hits close to home because I know the sister of the father who was killed. Not too well, but nonetheless, someone I know is going through hell right now.

The father, his wife and 3 daughters were slain in their own home. Now I am a firm believer in the notion that there is some big plan for everything, though we might not understand it. I cannot make that transition with this event. It tests everything I believe. I have a hard enough time with death, let alone something so awful.

What is the world coming to when the only way to deal with your family is to kill them? Are we so immune to the violence of the world that this becomes second nature? Everyday, someone is shot, killed and tortured and that is not even mentioning war. War has taught us, it's okay to kill someone, take away their life, since they don't beleive what we do. I have my misgivings about the death penalty, but for the most part I agree with it...mostly I think it's too good for all of them. Ugh, don't get Cindy started on that topic!

One more thing:
Why is it that the media shows up for funerals in these cases? It is so maddening to me. There were news crews at these poor people's funerals. Why? Would they want them there if it were their family? My friend and her partner were hounded so much, they had to go stay somewhere else. To have people in your face asking "How do you feel?" WTF...

My friend said now that she has grieved and the funerals are over....she is just angry.

And I'm right there with her.

Greed: It's What's For Dinner...

Every time I believe in humanity and the notion that people are really good, down deep...something will inevitably change my mind. Now mind you, I believe that most people are not this way with their own family members...but it makes you wonder.

One of my coworkers and I work with 2 clients who share a house. Our agency is their payee for their money, so part of our job is to work with them on managing their checkbook and money. James is my coworker's client. He is lower functioning, is difficult to understand at times when he talks and some might say, has strange tastes. He has straggly hair and appears dirty many times...and is because most often he does not shower. I am not sure of the details of his childhood, but it was rough and he was not taught that hygeine was important and obviously, other things. He has a half brother who is suddenly coming around the house every friday and this guy looks like he came from some trailer part down in the bayou...the bad part of the bayou. While at first, we all thought this was good that his family was wanting to spend time with James, it has turned into something else altogether. Every Saturday, my client, Mike, and James share a cab to go grocery shopping. Suddenly, James's brother and entourage are taking him grocery shopping. James has strange eating habits and doesn't eat meat unless it's sausage. While looking over his receipts, my coworker noticed James was buying huge family packs of steak and pork chops..things James never eats. James only has so much money and now he spends every weekend with his family. A couple weeks ago, James had a huge amount of pop cans to turn in and my co worker suggested he have his brother take him. Well, he came there while I was there with my client and James and his brother got the cans together. These were out on the porch. Mike had his inside the house. The brother come in the house and I watched him eyeing Mike's cans. I made a point to say to Mike, "Hey Mike, aren't those your cans there?" Mike says, "Oh yes, those are mine right there." I can just see it in his eyes. So every weekend, James spends money for these people and they come back for more. Our boss has said not to say anything because then these people won't want anything to do with James. But we know, once he's out of money, they won't want him anyway. James is already talking about living with these people, so who knows what crap they are filling his head with over there. He has started spending the night. James says he sleeps in a recliner. What's sad is James doesn't see what they are doing, all he knows is that his brother wants to see him and he is so desperate for that attention. It just burns me, watching it, but there is nothing we can do but sit and watch. Though my coworker tells me James is getting more difficult when it comes to handing over his receipts for his groceries....though this has been something he's done for years. Money is the evil source for so many things and it leaves a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And when you can't even trust your own family members...what does that say?

Case 2:

Another coworker of mine has a client named Joe. He has had many problems, as he has been court ordered to have so many hours of skills training with us. He wasn't paying his bills and giving all his money to this girl in another city around 45 minutes away. This girl has a baby and a boyfriend supposedly in prison she is waiting for. Joe received a bunch of money from Social Security as back payment...not just a piddly amount either...$10,000. Joe's sister hurried herself after Joe's last court date, to make herself in charge of this money, though our agency is now his payee. Sure she bought Joe a few things for his dumpy apartment, a new microwave, a new tv some dishes. She didn't buy him any clothes or even a winter coat that he needs. Whenever my coworker has asked Joe's sister about new clothes and using that money, she tells her to "just forget about that money. I don't want to talk about that money." Now, you know, when someone plays that avoiding game regarding money...there probably is no more. Supposedly, Joe's sister is to be held accountable for that money....but who is going to do that? What's worse is that for the last 2 weeks, Joe has been sick. He couldn't swallow and could not eat or drink, or what's worse for Joe, is he couldn't even smoke! My coworker took it upon herself to take him to the Dr. Come to find out...Joe has THRUSH. I know I've heard of this and the way my coworker was explaining it to me, I asked her, "Is it some kind of venerial disease?" She tells me there is only 2 ways to contract it....Oral Sex and she said that babies sometimes have it. EWEWEW(Yes I say ew even though as a lesbian, it's almost a job requirement). God only knows where this girlfriend of his has been...but also come to find out, the girl has it too.
Now my coworker took Joe to get this medicine, which is liquid. Joe shakes alot and she knew he was going to spill it everywhere as he would be left to self medicate. Sure enough, Joe's sister called my coworker to say that Joe had spilled the whole bottle and needed more. But this was over a week later, so Joe never got any medicine for a whole week! My coworker finally took Joe back to the dr and emphatically told them he needs a pill instead. Finally this was accomplished, but then Joe's case managerk, who is through the county tells my coworker that she's gone to far with her job and she is not is caretaker or mother and that Joe's family should have stepped up to the plate to handle this. WHAT? What do we do when that doesn't happen? Meanwhile, Joe is so destitute and needs so many things that this money could help him with...and my coworker says, "meanwhile, we are going to the salvation army to buy jeans." How appalling is that? It just burns my blood that so-called families will do anything in the name of greed when it comes to money....

Meanwhile, I try to keep faith that people are inherently good...

That's So Ghetto!

There was once a teenage girl I worked with last year that would tell me "that's so ghetto!" all the time. It just cracked me up. The language of teenagers today makes me laugh...especially girls. Last week while at work, there was a letter from a teenage girl to a boy she liked, left on the table in our office. I don't know the author or her intended recipient....whether or not they were clients or not, but it was left there on the table for some reason and all of us caseworkers got a royal kick out of it. It started, "Hey Sexy..." haven't we all started a letter like that? LOL Every other word was OMG "I can't believe that girl did that to you! OMG I'm SO not like that and would not do that to you? Like OMG I can't believe it!"

This all came home to me a few days later when I talked to Brittany. She was going to the Homecoming dance and was talking about giving last year's picture to her boyfriend's grandmother, who happens to be her boss at her job. This was the conversation:

"I was all like, I didn't give you last year's picture? And she was all like, "No, you didn't." And I was all like, "Wow, I thought I did. Do you like want one this year?" And then she was all like, "Yes I want one." And then I was all like....."

I couldn't stop laughing and then I wondered if my mother thought my language was weird. Sometimes, I can stop and really listen to people and how many times they say "Like" in a sentence or when they talk about someone else talking, they say.."and then she GOES..." It's really fascinating. I think it stems from the wonderful 80s and the valley girl movement.


And then I was all like.....WOW TOTALLY AWESOME!

Life Changes Turned Upside Down

Saturday morning I received an interesting phone call. It was from Brittany's foster mother, whom I will call S. It is rare for her to call me. I only receive these calls when Brittany is out of control. Well, guess what...it's happening now. I knew something was going on, but wasn't sure to what extent.

Ever since Brittany purchased her cell phone, I've heard from her practically every day, more than once. She text messages me like crazy. It has felt nice to hear from her so often...though it has concerned me when she messages me from school and on her work break. Brittany told me that she and S are at odds and she spends most of her time in her room, hardly talking to S. I have attempted to talk Brittany into talking with S. It has only been since S called me, that I know the true extent.

Brittany will be 18 in March and the guardianship is over. Brittany has a friend, C who is a year younger than her. Apparently, this friendship(from what S has told me) has been off and on. When C gets tired of Brittany she calls her names like "fat" and "retard" even though Brittany is neither one of those(and even if she were, this is no excuse from a so-called friend) . S told me that Brittany has come home in tears and then C ignores Brittany until she decides to bring her in again. C also gets jealous if Brittany has other friends. Brittany has recently spent alot of time with C and C's parents. C's parents have invited Brittany to come live with them when she turns 18. Though Brittany will not graduate until she is 19, she is planning this. S has told Brittany she can stay there as long as she wants, so it's not like she wouldn't have anywhere to go. S also tells me something disturbing about C's parents. Apparently, C's mother has told Brittany that Brittany is the only one of C's friends that C's father doesn't continually stare and watch every move. This left me with a creepy feeling that 1) C's mother knows this and tells Brittany and 2) That it has continued to happen with other girls. And to think my daughter wants to live there? S agreed with me when I brought this up and stated she felt the same way. Brittany has manipulated her way with S and refused to talk at all to her. When S stated she would call me, Brittany told her, "She doesn't want to talk to you, she hates you." Which is totally not true, but this is what Brittany does. As it was, S had to steal my number from Brittany's address book. S stated to me that in Brittany's mind, she and C are going to get an apartment together. C is a year younger and Brittany is living in this fantasy world. Her answer to S is "I'm an adult and I can do what I want." I was so disheartened to hear all of this. S warned me that she was going to ground her from her phone as she is on it late at night, takes it to school even when she is not supposed to and is constantly defying S. According to S, C and her mother swear at each other, there are no rules or boundaries and I am sure this looks wonderful to Brittany. The other side of this is that Brittany has emotional problems and cannot deal with life. She has cursed and thrown things and at times, hit S. I know all about this, though Brittany was much younger. S told me the next time, things got violent, she was going to call the police, have them put her in the youth home for 72 hours to give her a taste. Brittany was in the youth home when she was 12 due to her violent tendancies, that no one believed would ever happen, even when I told them exactly what would take place. So this is what has come to be.....I told S that I would try to talk to Brittany the next time she called me. She has texted me on Saturday, but I chose not to call her with the intention of talking to her. I didn't want her to feel ganged up on. I do want her to know, however, that S and I have talked and I know everything. I do not want Brittany moving in with those people and I just pray it doesn't happen. Yesterday, I did not hear from her at all....so it could be that S has taken her phone as promised. I assured S that I was in total agreement with her and she needed to follow rules and understand she is NOT an adult and must follow S's rules of the house. During the past 5 years, I have had this conversation with Brittany. So now I wait to hear from Brittany....it all just hurts my heart

The Way of the Crab(b)

This past weekend, I attended a family reunion. Since it was on my mother's side, it was a big deal. Since I have not seen my mother for almost 18 years, I felt pretty good that I was included in this party. My mother never goes to the reunion, so I was not worried she would be there. My grandmother's maiden name was CRABB. There were 6 children born into the Crabb family, my grandmother being the youngest. Now she is the only one left. She will be 88 years old in December and lives in a nursing home in Marshalltown, IA. My aunt Kay(my mother's sister) and my uncle(her husband), are so wonderful. She is the total opposite of my mother. She is a fun loving no holds barred woman...how much I love that and never fully appreciated that when I was a child growing up. My aunt and uncle live in Marshalltown and never left, so she has bared the brunt of living in the same town as my grandmother all these years. My mother left town. I am not the only one my mother has abandoned. She has done the same thing to my brother and her own family, my aunt and grandmother included. I know that she is waiting for my grandmother to die because she thinks she is getting some money. I have a feeling she will be greatly disappointed.

So, every year some member of this entourage throws the "CRABB REUNION". This time it was one my mother's cousins, Sharon...whom I didn't know or remember. These people I am sure I have not seen since I was quite young. I walked into the church where it was held and Sharon says "You're Julie, right?" I said yes, in shock. She says, "I knew it was you....dare I say, you look just like your mother." Great I thought LOL

This CRABB REUNION is a big deal....they have minutes written down and how much was raised from the sale of the CRABB FAMILY COOKBOOK and everything that went down the year before. It's very organized. The decor was CRABs everywhere and there were door prizes. I was the first one to win, so I picked out a rainbow neon colored stuffed crab LOL No one would ever know just how appropriate that was! LOL It was a nice time as I sat with my grandmother. People have laughed who have known my grandmother, when I say her maiden name was Crabb. My grandmother, a staunch German, all her life has been quite a cold woman...though she has mellowed as she's gotten older. She's told me she loves me and cries when I visit her in the nursing home. She's always been pretty bossy, it's her nature and all my life, I've been used to getting up and doing this and doing that. So I was on bathroom patrol with my grandmother. She is pretty weak and I know she can take herself to the bathroom, though it is hard for her. So when she asks me, I can't refuse. I have to laugh and wonder why I always get these jobs! Who ever thought all those years ago I would end up wiping my grandmother's end? LOL

My aunt has been interested in my writing and has wanted to read THE PURSE, or finish it. I brought it for her and gave it to her. She is going to try to finish it by Christmas as after that she and my uncle go to their house in Arizona for the winter. She wants me to get published so I can stick it to my mother, since she obviously thinks I would turn out to be no good at all. It's a good feeling to see all these other people that are a part of my family...people I've never really known. Life goes on....