Repost LIFE GOES ON Part 5

My stepmother was the first of my family members to come around and I will always love her for that. She sent me a big box of baby clothes and anything I'd need for the baby. People seemed to be coming around. Even friends of my grandmother didn't understand why she was so indifferent. But my mother...another story altogether. I've had a tumultous relationship with my mother, at best. But during my pregnancy, she appeared to be the most loving mother ever. She lived 3 hours away...she'd send me letters and had come up a couple times to see my grandmother. But all of that changed once I made my decision. I never heard from her and after awhile, I thought that maybe I should go see her and she surely couldn't deny the baby if she saw her face to face. After all, it was her only grandchild(and still is). But I was wrong. Brittany was 2 months old when I took the bus to go see my mother. Apparently, she had written a letter that I hadn't received yet. She came to the door and told me, "What are you doing here? Didn't you get my letter?"
I said, "No, I didn't".
SHe says, "Well, I don't want to see you or that baby."
Shocked, I said, "Why not? She's your grandchild, no matter what you think of me."
She said, "If I see her, I'm going to want to see her all the time."
I said, "Well isn't that the point?"
"Still, I don't want to see either one of you...and I will never change my mind. You made your decision and I've made mine. Goodbye." And slam went the door. I have only seen her once since then, when Brittany and I were on a bus going to the same city to visit a friend of mine. In some crazy coincidence, my mother was on that same bus....I sat behind her. Brittany was maybe a year or so old. I tapped her on the shoulder, "What are you doing here?"
I said, "Visiting some friends."
She turned back around and as soon as there was room, she moved to the front of the bus. I did catch her watching us every now and then, so I made sure I readly loudly to Brittany. But she was true to her word, she has never changed her mind. Though I think over the years, her curiosity has gotten to her.

After some prodding from my friend, whose parents I was living with...I enrolled in College, at Iowa State University. I was surprised at the various programs I qualified for. I went on public aid to help support us while I went to school full time....it was not easy, not at all. I started that fall of 1989, when Brittany was 5 months old. I'm not sure I would have the energy now and now that I look back on that time, it seems a blur. I wanted to study Social Work as I was inspired by the 2 social workers that helped me in the hospital. So I worked and studied and took care of my baby. She really was a good baby. Somewhere after she was 1 1/2 or 2, I noticed that Brittany was really behind in her "milestones". She wasn't walking or even trying to....she didn't really walk until maybe a year and a half. I talked to the pediatrician, he said the usual, "Kids grow at their own pace. Things will pick up." She hit the terrible twos, but then it lingered on and on into her threes. This was the time when I really noticed the behaviors. Spanking did not work...she looked at me with this look in her eye like, "How dare you spank ME!" So I didn't spank her very long...I knew I had to figure something out. I tried time outs. Once I watched her in such a rage, at 3 years old...it was almost surreal. I didn't understand where it all came from. Between 3 and 4 was when I came out to myself and dealing with her behaviors and attempting to go to school. It would take me 3 hours sometimes to get her to bed...she would scream and cry, get out of bed to defy me. I couldn't even take a shower as I'd have to lock her in the bathroom with me...then once she could unlock the door, she'd escape and I'd have to stop, get dressed and look for her. Yes, she was out the door. People would always see me looking for her, and I am sure it looked like I was neglectful. I was turned into DFS(family services) for neglect at this time. To this day I believe it was my first gf's ex for spite. Someone came and talked to me, "Do you watch her at all when she goes outside?" Gee, no, I hadn't thought of that! Two weeks later, I received a notice in the mail, that the evidence was founded for "Denial of Critical Care." Never heard from them again. Like they were really concerned. During this time, as I will never forget it...I woke up one morning to see Brittany standing over me....watching me with this glazed look in her eye. That has always scared me when I think of it. I decided it was time, due to my stress level, to talk to the Dr. During the exam, Brittany could not sit still, getting into everything in the room. He told me, normally they would do testing, but it was obvious she had ADHD(Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder) and prescribed Ritalin. Sorry Mr. Cruise, but sometimes it works. I was so thrilled that someone could name this. Ritalin worked wonderfully then....she could focus and she was not doped up like some people think. But without the medicine, she was truly unmanageable. She would throw herself down in the middle of a busy street, refusing to get up, she would take off to the quick shop in an instant and start eating the candy from the open bins there. The only time I've dealt with the police is because of Brittany. It was hard to believe that this was the baby I fought so hard to keep with me....there had to be some big master plan for giving me this to deal with.
part 6 coming