It was a Tuesday morning when everything changed. The baby's lawyer had arrived from Eagle Grove, Iowa...a place I've never been, nor do I know exactly where it is. I was in an even lesser known town of Marshalltown. It was then that he informed me, "There's been a little problem..." Now when someone tells you that, you know it ain't "little". "The adoptive parents have dropped out of the adoption."
WHAT?
"Why?" I ask him.
"It appears the baby has a heart murmur and the parents are concerned for her health. The doctor tried to talk them down, but that was there decision."
Everything was set up, everything in place. Now what? What in the world would I do now?
Oh, but the lawyer had an idea.
"Why don't you just take her home and try it out for a bit. See what happens."
WHAT? I began to think this guy had a used car business on the side. "She is not a used car for God's sake. If I take her home, I ain't bringin her back!" The lawyer left when my hospital phone rang. It was my grandmother, the one I lived with to that point. I explained to her what was happening. She immediately barked, "You cannot bring that baby home!" I attempted to calm her down, telling her I had not made any decision yet. I had just finished with that conversation and hung up with my grandmother and my phone rang again. It was Debbi.
"Are the lawyers there?" She asks.
"Yes, well they just left."
"Dammit," she says. "I wanted to talk to you before they did." That is when she explained everything and my heart went out to her as she cried through the phone. She told me that she had had a heart murmur, a bad one...a hole in her heart that never healed, which was why she couldn't have a baby herself. She grew up going to dr after dr and she didn't want that for the baby....it was too uncertain. They'd been up all night, thinking of everything, talking, crying and finally decided they just couldn't do it. She asked me what I was going to do. I said I didn't know, but if they weren't going to raise her, I didn't want anyone else but me. She asked me how and of course, I didn't know. I've never talked to Debbi again, though she said to keep in touch.
After hanging up, I felt a strange energy around me...there was a reason this happened. I wasn't supposed to go through with the adoption. Call it fate, karma, whatever....this was my chance. I remember my grandmother saying, "If it were fate, you'd have a job!" I had to laugh at that logic. Fate doesn't care if you have a job. Oh I didn't have any answers. No one in the family wanted me to have this baby.
Then the lawyer came back to say what would happen now. He stated that since I was to leave the hospital that day, the baby had to have somewhere to go. The hospital was gracious enough to let her stay for one more night while a temporary foster home was set up. The lawyer also stated that if I were to go with another couple, he would have to drop out, due to a conflict of interest. So I went home to a mass of people calling me, telling me they knew of a friend, family member or a friend of a friend's cousin who wanted to adopt a newborn little girl. I couldn't focus on those things. I made some calls, found another lawyer in the next day, who in turn, found a farm couple in Minnesota who wanted a baby. Of course, I was being told by my family that there was no way I was mature enough to raise a baby. So I let them tell me what to do one more time. I wanted to do what was best for the baby. Give her a home that I couldn't provide.
So the next day, I went back to the hospital to sign papers signing away my parental rights to this child. The nurses let me hold her one last time to say goodbye. If I ever had a heart, it died that day for sure. I held her, cried, tried to tell her what I needed to....hoping somehow she could hear me. Then I left her there in that hospital.
WHAT?
"Why?" I ask him.
"It appears the baby has a heart murmur and the parents are concerned for her health. The doctor tried to talk them down, but that was there decision."
Everything was set up, everything in place. Now what? What in the world would I do now?
Oh, but the lawyer had an idea.
"Why don't you just take her home and try it out for a bit. See what happens."
WHAT? I began to think this guy had a used car business on the side. "She is not a used car for God's sake. If I take her home, I ain't bringin her back!" The lawyer left when my hospital phone rang. It was my grandmother, the one I lived with to that point. I explained to her what was happening. She immediately barked, "You cannot bring that baby home!" I attempted to calm her down, telling her I had not made any decision yet. I had just finished with that conversation and hung up with my grandmother and my phone rang again. It was Debbi.
"Are the lawyers there?" She asks.
"Yes, well they just left."
"Dammit," she says. "I wanted to talk to you before they did." That is when she explained everything and my heart went out to her as she cried through the phone. She told me that she had had a heart murmur, a bad one...a hole in her heart that never healed, which was why she couldn't have a baby herself. She grew up going to dr after dr and she didn't want that for the baby....it was too uncertain. They'd been up all night, thinking of everything, talking, crying and finally decided they just couldn't do it. She asked me what I was going to do. I said I didn't know, but if they weren't going to raise her, I didn't want anyone else but me. She asked me how and of course, I didn't know. I've never talked to Debbi again, though she said to keep in touch.
After hanging up, I felt a strange energy around me...there was a reason this happened. I wasn't supposed to go through with the adoption. Call it fate, karma, whatever....this was my chance. I remember my grandmother saying, "If it were fate, you'd have a job!" I had to laugh at that logic. Fate doesn't care if you have a job. Oh I didn't have any answers. No one in the family wanted me to have this baby.
Then the lawyer came back to say what would happen now. He stated that since I was to leave the hospital that day, the baby had to have somewhere to go. The hospital was gracious enough to let her stay for one more night while a temporary foster home was set up. The lawyer also stated that if I were to go with another couple, he would have to drop out, due to a conflict of interest. So I went home to a mass of people calling me, telling me they knew of a friend, family member or a friend of a friend's cousin who wanted to adopt a newborn little girl. I couldn't focus on those things. I made some calls, found another lawyer in the next day, who in turn, found a farm couple in Minnesota who wanted a baby. Of course, I was being told by my family that there was no way I was mature enough to raise a baby. So I let them tell me what to do one more time. I wanted to do what was best for the baby. Give her a home that I couldn't provide.
So the next day, I went back to the hospital to sign papers signing away my parental rights to this child. The nurses let me hold her one last time to say goodbye. If I ever had a heart, it died that day for sure. I held her, cried, tried to tell her what I needed to....hoping somehow she could hear me. Then I left her there in that hospital.
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