Coming Out...A Lesson in Psychology

Here it is, the mother of all stories.....

I was a late bloomer, 28, when I discovered it, much by accident. I've heard many people say they always knew or had some tell tale signs in junior high and high school. Not so for me. I'm sure the signs were there...after all, when I was 9 or 10, I created a male personna for myself named Matt..gee who would have guessed I'd grow up and figure out I was a lesbian? Certainly not me. I didn't date boys, but as with most people, just believed I was straight, I didn't know of anything else. I didn't date because I never found any boy that was ever interested in me, and when I finally did in high school, he turned out to be gay! I had several crushes, although I didn't understand that's what they were at the time, on girls/women throughout my twenties. It was not sexual, if it had been, maybe I would have figured something out sooner. It was all encompassing and took everything out of me, but I thought it was all just close friendship. As an adult, I went out with men and not all were losers. I went through the sexual thing with them because I thought I was supposed to. It truely bored me and I thought, "This is what everyone goes ga-ga over? You've got to be kidding me." Well I became pregnant in 1988 when I was 23. Another whole saga ensued, but that is yet another story. But when my daughter was 3, I met Teri.Teri was beautiful. Tall, long blonde hair and blue eyes. She lived behind me with her then girlfriend, Doreen and Doreen's 2 kids. Teri and I started talking only because of my daughter, who developed her social butterfly skills with Teri. Teri wanted to meet me and offered to babysit. I was at the time dating a man named Dave. Dave didn't excite me at all...another forced relationship, but Teri...I couldn't breathe unless I saw her, talked to her, heard her voice. Teri and Doreen eventually told me they were lesbians. I understand now, that Teri assumed I was too or at least Bi or questioning. Teri and I became very close, but I was convinced that she was just my closest friend. Teri ended up moving to her own apartment across town. She invited me over one night, we had a few beers and talked for hours. That is when she confided in me that she was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. What?! Okay...I was sticking by her, being her friend as she "needed" me. She went to bed in her bedroom a little while later and I was to sleep on the couch. She began having nightmares. Being the person I was, I went in and sat with her for 3 hours until she came out of them. Then she smiled that smile and asked me to lay with her on her bed. We held each other(why, if I thought I was straight, did I not think this was odd?) for a few minutes and then she turns to me and says, "Julie, I want to kiss you." Huh? Somehow lying on her bed, wrapped up in each other was perfectly normal, but kissing was...oh no! How could she have known my head was playing games with me for weeks until this point? I must have had that shocked as hell look on my face because she says "Oh God, I'm sorry....I thought you were....I mean...." she didn't know what to say, but I got the hell out of there, making some excuse. I couldn't be gay. No way. I had a kid for God's sakes. I spent that weekend totally wrapped up in myself. Understanding things I'd never questioned before. At the end of the weekend, I understood it all. I was a lesbian. Teri and I ended up having a tumultuous relationship, not even a relationship due to her illness. Not an ideal person to make you come out...but I will always be grateful for that special person coming along to show me what was so embedded within me, I didn't even know it. I didn't come out to my family for 2 years due to the issues regarding my daughter's birth and my decision to raise her as a single parent. I thought, "Lordy, they could barely handle that, and now I'm gay, too?!" I didn't live real close to my dad and my mother had disowned me when I decided to raise my daughter and not give her up. So I copped out and wrote a letter after my stepmother(whom I get along with pretty well) nagged me about never knowing anything about my life. "You never tell us anything!" She says one day. After so much of that, I thought, "alright, you want to know...fine." So I laid it all out in a letter. My sexuality was never mentioned(to my face) by my family until I had a conversation in 2001 with my stepmother, only a mere 6 years after the fact. It was a nice conversation that I will never have with my father. She stated that while she didn't understand those feelings, she understood that I could not be happy with a man and if that was what made me happy then she was happy for me. I was 28 when I came out to myself and I am now going on 41, my daughter is 17. The women I chose to be involved with uptil my current girlfriend, had some kind of mental disorder, were self-destructive or controlling. It's a path we must all walk through to get where we are going. Where are we going? You won't know til you get there. Everything happens for a reason, I believe that. I can't say I am all that close with my family and I am not so sure it was right to come out to them, but I've always been honest, so if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask! No one can tell you when or how to come out. Coming out to yourself is a journey just like coming out to your family is. My family just doesn't talk about it, which is kind of relieving. It's a quiet disapproval, which is subtle, but nice compared to others. Funny that I have a cousin who also is a lesbian and has been with her partner for going on 13 years. My grandmother said, "Gee I wondered why they bought a house together!" =) It takes a strong person. You know, I used to say that we are no different that straight people, but now I believe we really are different. We are stronger and more united in our resolve because we've had to fight for what is in our souls. Straight people know no such fight. Being true to yourself is never wrong. Neither is love.