Unanswered Prayers

It's "Reflective Sunday"....so I must reflect on how my life as a gay woman began over 17 years ago. Unlike others, I never had an inkling that I was gay...though to others, the signs were always there. So yes, I was a late bloomer. All these years later, I understand myself and my struggles so much better.

This past weekend, I saw the woman who started my journey all those years ago. Her name is Teri and I found her again on Facebook. Every once and awhile, I would put her name into the search engine and didn't find anything, but in late January, I found her. It took awhile for her to "friend" me and I feared she didn't want to and I wrote to her to explain what an impact she had on my life...and she did. So she did "friend" me and it was wonderful talking with her again and re-living those times. It was odd to me that she was now with a man and had been for quite some time. How does that happen? I do recall that at the time, she didn't really identify herself as a lesbian, just "in a relationship with another woman". Now I understand what a cop out that is. If you don't identify yourself, you don't have to nail yourself down. I understand it in a way, but for me, realizing that I was gay and that was the reason I never fell in love with a man or even want what I was always told I should want, was life-altering. Straight people do not understand this and never will. They do not have to come to terms with being who they are like gay people do. Let's face it, it IS easier to live life as a straight person. It wasn't easier for me, though I tried to even after Teri, thinking I could be a good enough actress to pull it off. I know lots of people do this every day. Not me.

So Teri was going to be in Iowa this Labor Day weekend and she wanted to see me. Oh I wanted to see her and Friday I saw her. We hugged and talked. Brittany went with me. She didn't remember Teri, as she was only 3. I met Teri's "hubby" as she called him, though they are not married. Very nice man and they appeared to be quite happy with each other. I was struck remembering her in my life when she was my whole world. Teri was mentally ill (anyone can read some of my earlier posts from way back to get the story) and just didn't see me often, unless she wanted something and I was so engrossed in her that I gave her everything. What I wanted most was her time and she couldn't give it to me. We never really had a relationship, but what little we had stayed with me always.

So I am reminded of the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers". The hours and days I spent wishing, hoping and praying I could be with her always...they never came true and things happened that I didn't understand. I was devastated beyond belief, devastated to my very core. For the first time ever in my life, I had a broken heart. After seeing her this weekend, I'm reminded what I have at home. SO grateful that it never worked out because I would not have Cindy and the wonderful life I have. And I am sure, for her too.

I am convinced people cross your path for a reason, even if they don't stay in your life. Teri served her purpose...to show me the truth I had buried deep inside that I never knew existed. So for that, I am forever grateful.