18 Years and Counting...

Here it is...March 17th already. Today, 18 years ago, a new and beautiful creature entered my life. Brittany. Oh how today is bittersweet, especially knowing what I know has transpired.

Brittany is coming for a visit on March 30th, for 1 week. Yesterday I learned that what I've been saying for years has come true. Brittany is on a downward spiral and for now, I have to sit and watch it. How it hurts to be right sometimes.

A few days ago, Brittany called me in the middle of the day, around 2pm(1pm her time). I asked why she wasn't in school. She tells me she was kicked out. This has never happened before. SHE tells me that some boy punched her. SHE says he began calling her names out of nowhere and just hauled off and punched her. Knowing Brittany the way I do...it didn't seem to fit. Just a few days before she told me, this same boy punched her in the face. I felt inside there was something more to the story.

Enter YESTERDAY. S(Brittany's foster mother) calls me. I finally learn that Brittany started this fight, she was the instigator and the aggressor and the one who name called the boy. The boy, Colin, was a boyfriend of Brittany's for a very short period of time. The story plays out like you'd expect from teenagers. Brittany's so-called "friend" Chelsea had dated this boy, then they broke up. She encouraged Brittany to go out with him. Brittany dumped her long time boyfriend(whom she never saw as he lived in a neighboring city 12 miles away) and pursued this boy. He bought Brittany a dozen roses, candy...the whole works for Valentine's day. Chelsea became livid as the boy never spent money on her while they were dating. Chelsea most likely told Colin stuff about Brittany and he dumped her. This girl has helped to turn Brittany into a raging maniac. Brittany has turned her back on her family that she's been with since she was 12. She comes and goes when she wants, hollers and screams obscenities, slams doors. They are all afraid to say hello for fear she will go off and she will. So the story goes that Brittany was late for school and they lock the doors. The boy happened to see her and said, "Ha! Got locked out, eh?" Brittany pushed him down screaming all kinds of obscenities as in the ole M. F. word. So he punched her...but 4 teachers witnessed this and they were both suspended.

In the interim S had to call the police to intervene when Brittany became unmanageable, as she has assaulted S several times. Even the District Atty has been involved and it was stated that there might be charges filed against her. The issue is that she was so close to being 18 and at 18, she is legally and adult. Brittany is supposed to call the judge and talk to him herself and as far as I know, she has not. The police officer and a youth officer informed S that she "Cannot live this way," and must practice tough love. He told her that if she does not follow the rules and storms out, for her to lock the door and not let her in, no matter what. S wanted me to know in case Brittany calls me. If she does, S suggested that I tell her to call the Police for help and they will find somewhere for her to go. They said Brittany definitely has an anger issue.

I spent yesterday attempting to pull myself together enough to work. I think about her anger. This has been ongoing and building up since she was at least 3 years old. I witnessed this rage in her. I just watched her in disbelief. That was at 3. Here she is, now at 18...only just out of control. I sit back wondering and asking myself...where did it all go wrong? I know I cannot afford to question this for too long because now it is up to me to once again try to get her the help she needs. No one listened to me all those years ago when I said something would happen and she would self-destruct if she didn't get help. She was taken off medication and not encouraged to go to counseling too much. Instead the focus was on me and my "poor parenting skills". I needed counseling and parenting classes. Now she is heading in that direction.

Brittany has invited herself to live with me when she graduates. I understand why she wants to be with me. In a perfect world, I would be elated as she has no idea how I have missed her every day she's been gone...every day for the past 6 years. I have been guilt ridden that I couldn't help her and keep her at home. I know in my heart of hearts that had I attempted to bring her back home all those years ago....I would not be here today. I knew enough to know she needed help I couldn't give her. Brittany had a few good years around middle school age, had very few incidences and even those S says she could get through. But...this is not a perfect world and I cannot right the wrongs in Brittany's life.

So here she comes for a visit. I do not know how this will go. I plan to take Brittany around to family to visit and spend little time at home with Cindy. I think the visit will go fine and the problem will be when she has to go back home. Now that it's come to this, I feel I must have a true heart to heart with Brittany when she gets here, letting her know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate what's been going on and if there are problems, she will go home early. I don't think it will be an issue as right now, I am the good mother. Who knows when that will wear off.

My task at hand? If she does come back here, I will find a placement for her. This will involve getting a newer diagnosis...she will have to agree to go and get some help and that will be no easy feat. She will have to know it's her only choice. Brittany has glamorized what living with me was like. I do not know if she truly has no conscience but I know she does not understand consequences for her actions. It's been the issue her entire life.

It breaks my heart knowing her life has taken this turn. I refuse to let it mess even one iota with my relationship with Cindy. I will do whatever is necessary to keep that from happening. I have some resources available to me through work and for that I am grateful.

I am writing the book on my experiences and here is another chapter...

Peace

HUG someone today...