Congratulations to the state of Iowa, my state, for doing what should have never been in question to begin with. Iowa has legalized gay marriage by striking down the gay marriage BAN. Every time this happens somewhere, I always know it will not last as the religious right will have their way. An article I read yesterday says that this time, it will likely not even be brought up by the opposition for quite some time. But we know it will. What is even more shocking, is it was a UNANIMOUS vote.
When the religious folks start in with their hate filled words, I also realize they have the right to say what they want to. What I always think about is...what if their son or daughter came to them and told them they were gay? What would they do or say? I thought of that when that bimbo sarah palin paraded her family on the stage during the campaign. Yah I said bimbo. It's Sunday, so I am being nice. To me, this is the way I am and we've all tried the other way to appease society and our families. It's not honest and I truly believe God had to have made us this way for a reason. I believe this too for all of the disabled people I've worked with. There will always be those who let their fear of the unknown control their soul. I went to a conference for work and I adored the speaker, Dr Al Condelucci. He talked about his cousin who had Down's Syndrome, that he grew up with. He didn't even realize there was such prejudice until he was outside of his family. He said "Once you get to know someone who is different than you, it is difficult to hold that same prejudice." I truly believe that. It is easier to sit back and judge than to go into unchartered territory.
That being said...for me personally, I will not get married, but I think it should not be up to the government to dictate who marries whom. What's important is the legalities of it. How many times have we been denied seeing our loved ones or being left with nothing after our partners die? I am happy the way I am and Cindy and I have discussed this at length. For us, we won't do it, but agree it should be legal for those who want to and believe in it.
So Good for IOWA. Hopefully it's a trend of what's to come.
Tune in Tomorrow
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The 9th Wonder...
It's good to be surprised. Really good. I feel pretty proud of that kid of mine. That is NOT to say that I've let my guard down, but I can say I am surprised.
Toward the end of February, Brittany moved into her first apartment. It was a struggle because I had to come of with the security deposit and I wasn't sure how things were going to go. She can barely afford it, but she is struggling like anyone else....so I consider that an improvement. She's paid her rent (barely) but isn't that the case with anyone. She has not depended on me for money, but I've helped her when I could. I've always felt, up til now, that she has needed help and she would not be able to live on her own. But she is. She told me "I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do." Tuesday March 17th was her 20th birthday. Hard to believe, for sure. Of course, there are things she is still struggling with...making good choices regarding boyfriends...but hey that is normal. Well not the boyfriends part LOL It takes a lifetime to weed out the bad ones.
My mom even bought Brittany a walmart gift card for $50. So I took her shopping yesterday and she spent it on stuff for her apartment. It might actually work out! She's done good and I told her that too.
In other news: I went to the Dr due to pain and swelling around my elbow. It appears I have "tennis elbow" without actually playing tennis. It's a sore SOB. I was supposed to have a shot of cortesone but nixed it. I also have carpel tunnel in both hands, but I've lived with it for so long now...blahblahblah
Just a short word...I will miss Natasha Richardson. If you want to see an awesome movie, watch EVENING. Beautifully done with Natasha and her mom actually playing mother and daughter. Such a tragedy.
Let it be a lesson. Life. Don't miss out on it.
Toward the end of February, Brittany moved into her first apartment. It was a struggle because I had to come of with the security deposit and I wasn't sure how things were going to go. She can barely afford it, but she is struggling like anyone else....so I consider that an improvement. She's paid her rent (barely) but isn't that the case with anyone. She has not depended on me for money, but I've helped her when I could. I've always felt, up til now, that she has needed help and she would not be able to live on her own. But she is. She told me "I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do." Tuesday March 17th was her 20th birthday. Hard to believe, for sure. Of course, there are things she is still struggling with...making good choices regarding boyfriends...but hey that is normal. Well not the boyfriends part LOL It takes a lifetime to weed out the bad ones.
My mom even bought Brittany a walmart gift card for $50. So I took her shopping yesterday and she spent it on stuff for her apartment. It might actually work out! She's done good and I told her that too.
In other news: I went to the Dr due to pain and swelling around my elbow. It appears I have "tennis elbow" without actually playing tennis. It's a sore SOB. I was supposed to have a shot of cortesone but nixed it. I also have carpel tunnel in both hands, but I've lived with it for so long now...blahblahblah
Just a short word...I will miss Natasha Richardson. If you want to see an awesome movie, watch EVENING. Beautifully done with Natasha and her mom actually playing mother and daughter. Such a tragedy.
Let it be a lesson. Life. Don't miss out on it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mama, She's Lazy
Okay, so now I've gone for too long without complaining about the disgusting habits of everyday people. Yah, I live in the midwest and there is a different tone here, I guess, than in the big cities...but you know, I really think it's everywhere. And it's not just Walmart.
What am I talking about? The laziness of Americans. What has happened to us when we cannot find our clothes to go out in and we just figure our pajamas are okay to shop in? Not just the pajama bottoms...but slippers too! Don't get me started on all of the HUGE women who wear NO bra. I'm no small chick myself and I've been known to but on sweats and a huge sweatshirt to drive my daughter home or to work, where I'm not getting out of the car. Kmae, if you've done this, you are forgiven! LOL
I suppose it's the "trashy" side of people now, but I've really noticed ALOT of things going down hill with our society.
What happened to common sense? It has really died a horrible death. Tragic. You see it in customer service people, fast food places, retail...it's everywhere. People are not held accountable for the job they do every day. This is an excuse-laden society. We've gotten too good at the excuses.
People talk about the economy being bad. Yah it's hard. Yah it's tough but what happened to taking some pride in yourself and being an example to those who follow us?
I know I'm going to do better just in case someone cares.
What am I talking about? The laziness of Americans. What has happened to us when we cannot find our clothes to go out in and we just figure our pajamas are okay to shop in? Not just the pajama bottoms...but slippers too! Don't get me started on all of the HUGE women who wear NO bra. I'm no small chick myself and I've been known to but on sweats and a huge sweatshirt to drive my daughter home or to work, where I'm not getting out of the car. Kmae, if you've done this, you are forgiven! LOL
I suppose it's the "trashy" side of people now, but I've really noticed ALOT of things going down hill with our society.
What happened to common sense? It has really died a horrible death. Tragic. You see it in customer service people, fast food places, retail...it's everywhere. People are not held accountable for the job they do every day. This is an excuse-laden society. We've gotten too good at the excuses.
People talk about the economy being bad. Yah it's hard. Yah it's tough but what happened to taking some pride in yourself and being an example to those who follow us?
I know I'm going to do better just in case someone cares.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A New Day
Here is the day I wondered would ever come. Brittany now is living in her own apartment. She has a pretty decent place. I had to pay the deposit on it and God I hope she can swing it. It is kind of fun getting her set up with stuff. Luckily, I'd been saving things for her.
I've been doing nothing but working lately, but I have started writing my next book and I am excited about that. My mind is spinning with ideas and storylines. I talk it through with Cindy, though she doesn't like fiction. I find that so strange! I let my mom read my first book and she loved it, saying she was impressed that I wrote it. As time goes on, I am still amazed at how things have turned around with my mom. After nearly 20 years, we are having the relationship I always dreamed of having. She called me on her birthday and said "I love you" before she hung up. I was so stunned...hearing those words from her mouth...I know I never thought it would be like this. She calls me quite frequently and we write almost every week, send cards to each other. I am so grateful for whatever stars aligned themselves to allow this to happen...especially at this time in my life. There is alot I don't understand about what led up to this point...like why didn't she fight harder to find out the truth? But...I accept things as they are and that makes me appreciate the time we have.
If anyone wants to see a good movie, see BONNEVILLE. yah it's a chick movie...but I'm a chick!
One of my clients, Khyla, lent me the dvd "The family that Preys"....a Tyler Perry movie that he's actually in and damn was it good! I was surprised. Khyla is black and all her movies are black actors lol I am glad that Sean Penn won for MILK, though I've not seen it. I loved his acceptance speech at the Oscars. I've always believed he should have won for I AM SAM. I adore that movie but it tears me up so much, I cannot watch it anymore!
Cindy tells me we are going to remodel the kitchen and bathroom. What fun! LOL
Bring on the SPRING!
I can't wait to be out in the back yard!!
I've been doing nothing but working lately, but I have started writing my next book and I am excited about that. My mind is spinning with ideas and storylines. I talk it through with Cindy, though she doesn't like fiction. I find that so strange! I let my mom read my first book and she loved it, saying she was impressed that I wrote it. As time goes on, I am still amazed at how things have turned around with my mom. After nearly 20 years, we are having the relationship I always dreamed of having. She called me on her birthday and said "I love you" before she hung up. I was so stunned...hearing those words from her mouth...I know I never thought it would be like this. She calls me quite frequently and we write almost every week, send cards to each other. I am so grateful for whatever stars aligned themselves to allow this to happen...especially at this time in my life. There is alot I don't understand about what led up to this point...like why didn't she fight harder to find out the truth? But...I accept things as they are and that makes me appreciate the time we have.
If anyone wants to see a good movie, see BONNEVILLE. yah it's a chick movie...but I'm a chick!
One of my clients, Khyla, lent me the dvd "The family that Preys"....a Tyler Perry movie that he's actually in and damn was it good! I was surprised. Khyla is black and all her movies are black actors lol I am glad that Sean Penn won for MILK, though I've not seen it. I loved his acceptance speech at the Oscars. I've always believed he should have won for I AM SAM. I adore that movie but it tears me up so much, I cannot watch it anymore!
Cindy tells me we are going to remodel the kitchen and bathroom. What fun! LOL
Bring on the SPRING!
I can't wait to be out in the back yard!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
It's a Weird Life
What is it with kids growing up? I question myself helping Brittany the way I am. She got herself into her own mess, I keep telling her that. I have not allowed her back home and besides, she would lose her medical and such. There is nowhere for her to go. Last night she spent her entire paycheck on a motel room for the week. And again, she is depending on me to figure this out for her. Granted, I know a little more about what's around, but I don't know what to do either. She only has a part time job. I feel so at odds and I just wish there was something to help her. I guess I have to do what I'm doing and keep trying to find a solution. If she were like other 20yr olds, it would be different, she might be able to get a better job.
One day it will come together
One day it will come together
Monday, January 19, 2009
Just a Quickie
I am back by popular demand! As you can see, there is a new addition: BellaMae.
She was Cindy's idea, even though it was my turn to have a cat...my girl cut ahead in line and took an extra turn! What can I do? She's so cute, I can't resist! I mean my girl, not BellaMae! I will be glad when she gets fixed, so Odie won't be attacking her from behind trying to get his groove on. She is 4 years old and we are trying to housebreak her as she was always in a kennel used for breeding purposes. Oh the joy!
As far as Brittany is concerned...Last Friday, I paid for a motel room for her. Just one week, then she has figure it out for herself. It is the hardest thing. I don't want to think about her on the street, but she has to learn the nature of consequences for her actions and the decisions she makes. Interesting that my mom called me tonight. I am always grateful for a second chance at this relationship, it means so much. She says, "you don't think I worried about you? Every day." I told her at times I thought maybe she didn't, but now that I am going through this, I understand why she did what she did. She told me "It was the hardest thing I've ever done or ever will do in my entire life. But I knew I had to." I know that is what drove me even harder to depend on myself. It's a good lesson that Brittany needs to learn. Brittany is mad right now because she wants to do laundry here and we are having plumbing issues. She does not care and does not want to spend her cash on the coin washer/dryer at the motel. AHEM Cash which I gave her, by the way! We shall see what happens...but I have to stick to my guns, I know that.
There is a reason they call it tough love.
It ain't for sissies.
She was Cindy's idea, even though it was my turn to have a cat...my girl cut ahead in line and took an extra turn! What can I do? She's so cute, I can't resist! I mean my girl, not BellaMae! I will be glad when she gets fixed, so Odie won't be attacking her from behind trying to get his groove on. She is 4 years old and we are trying to housebreak her as she was always in a kennel used for breeding purposes. Oh the joy!
As far as Brittany is concerned...Last Friday, I paid for a motel room for her. Just one week, then she has figure it out for herself. It is the hardest thing. I don't want to think about her on the street, but she has to learn the nature of consequences for her actions and the decisions she makes. Interesting that my mom called me tonight. I am always grateful for a second chance at this relationship, it means so much. She says, "you don't think I worried about you? Every day." I told her at times I thought maybe she didn't, but now that I am going through this, I understand why she did what she did. She told me "It was the hardest thing I've ever done or ever will do in my entire life. But I knew I had to." I know that is what drove me even harder to depend on myself. It's a good lesson that Brittany needs to learn. Brittany is mad right now because she wants to do laundry here and we are having plumbing issues. She does not care and does not want to spend her cash on the coin washer/dryer at the motel. AHEM Cash which I gave her, by the way! We shall see what happens...but I have to stick to my guns, I know that.
There is a reason they call it tough love.
It ain't for sissies.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Drama Queen...
...Feel the beat from my sanity that I've never seen.
Well, it happened. I knew it would. Brittany called today telling me...(can we all say it together?) "they kicked me out and I have nowhere to go."
Of course, I reminded her of what I told her when she left. I was not letting her come back. Now Cindy did not have the faith that I would stick to it...she was sure I would buckle under the pressure. I stuck to my guns, but god did it rip my heart out. I told her I would not let her come back, but I would help her find a place. I suggested a motel room to rent for the week. I would help her help herself. I can't just say no and do nothing. She felt better as I suggested to COMMUNICATE and talk to the lady where she was living, explain that she didn't have a place to stay and could she stay for another week. So she did and it worked. So Friday I am taking her to look for a place and help her as much as I can.
In the meantime...Cindy decided we needed another dog for Odie. She is a pure bred boston terrier. Cindy named her Bella Mae. She was a breeder dog. The first day, she took every one of Odie's toys and piled them up at the front door. She took over the house from Odie. Too funny. She wasn't taking any shit from a man. Cindy's mom bought Odie a stuffed Beaver (some fun lesbian jokes here!). I had to laugh as I said, "Well Bella is home. She is in the bedroom chewing on the beaver!" That's our girl!
Odie, who is fixed...has been trying to hump her(as she is not fixed yet, but early Feb), but she won't stand still long enough! You go grrl
Fun times
Well, it happened. I knew it would. Brittany called today telling me...(can we all say it together?) "they kicked me out and I have nowhere to go."
Of course, I reminded her of what I told her when she left. I was not letting her come back. Now Cindy did not have the faith that I would stick to it...she was sure I would buckle under the pressure. I stuck to my guns, but god did it rip my heart out. I told her I would not let her come back, but I would help her find a place. I suggested a motel room to rent for the week. I would help her help herself. I can't just say no and do nothing. She felt better as I suggested to COMMUNICATE and talk to the lady where she was living, explain that she didn't have a place to stay and could she stay for another week. So she did and it worked. So Friday I am taking her to look for a place and help her as much as I can.
In the meantime...Cindy decided we needed another dog for Odie. She is a pure bred boston terrier. Cindy named her Bella Mae. She was a breeder dog. The first day, she took every one of Odie's toys and piled them up at the front door. She took over the house from Odie. Too funny. She wasn't taking any shit from a man. Cindy's mom bought Odie a stuffed Beaver (some fun lesbian jokes here!). I had to laugh as I said, "Well Bella is home. She is in the bedroom chewing on the beaver!" That's our girl!
Odie, who is fixed...has been trying to hump her(as she is not fixed yet, but early Feb), but she won't stand still long enough! You go grrl
Fun times
Friday, January 09, 2009
Happy Flippin' New Year
Greetings!
It has been awhile since I've been here, but nonetheless, here I am. Am I ever so glad the holidays are over. I still don't understand why it gets so crazy and everyone is in HYPER mode, but what I don't know about things could fill the universe.
Brittany left New Year's Day. Yup, moved out after getting crazy hysterical mad about her cell phone not working. She did not care about anything else, yelling at both Cindy and I, screaming that she didn't care. Just plain disrespectful and rude. Then she yelled she was leaving and gave me her key. I told her we were not playing this game. So she left for work and never came back that night, though I left the door open just in case. She called the next day to say she was living with some people, "friends" as she calls them. I told her she was not coming back to live, that was it. Especially after Cindy and I turned our lives upside down back in October to allow her back in. She did not apologize but just said she was mad about her phone. The biggest thing that happened to make this all occur is that Cindy and I found the charm bracelet that my MOM had given her in the couch. Brittany lost it not long after my mom had given it to her and I had been looking for it. So I finally found it and Brittany was so mad about the phone she said "I DON"T CARE!" That's when Cindy lost it. So I am keeping it for her. The next day, Brittany asked for it back and I told her I would just keep it for her. "I was just mad." I told her that is no excuse for treating people like crap. There are consequences for your actions, the things you do and say.
I don't know if she will ever learn that.
Now she calls to tell me she has a 34 year old boyfriend, who is living with her with these "friends". It's an older couple and the boyfriend's mother and stepdad.
So now I have to let go and do that "tough love". It will be tough if she burns all of her bridges and has nowhere to go. But I have to.
I spent over an hour talking to my mom last night. If there is one event that made me grateful for 2008...it's my mom. It's sad that my grandmother had to die to make it happen, but considering the type of person she was and the damage she inflicted...it is peaceful she is gone.
Peace out
It has been awhile since I've been here, but nonetheless, here I am. Am I ever so glad the holidays are over. I still don't understand why it gets so crazy and everyone is in HYPER mode, but what I don't know about things could fill the universe.
Brittany left New Year's Day. Yup, moved out after getting crazy hysterical mad about her cell phone not working. She did not care about anything else, yelling at both Cindy and I, screaming that she didn't care. Just plain disrespectful and rude. Then she yelled she was leaving and gave me her key. I told her we were not playing this game. So she left for work and never came back that night, though I left the door open just in case. She called the next day to say she was living with some people, "friends" as she calls them. I told her she was not coming back to live, that was it. Especially after Cindy and I turned our lives upside down back in October to allow her back in. She did not apologize but just said she was mad about her phone. The biggest thing that happened to make this all occur is that Cindy and I found the charm bracelet that my MOM had given her in the couch. Brittany lost it not long after my mom had given it to her and I had been looking for it. So I finally found it and Brittany was so mad about the phone she said "I DON"T CARE!" That's when Cindy lost it. So I am keeping it for her. The next day, Brittany asked for it back and I told her I would just keep it for her. "I was just mad." I told her that is no excuse for treating people like crap. There are consequences for your actions, the things you do and say.
I don't know if she will ever learn that.
Now she calls to tell me she has a 34 year old boyfriend, who is living with her with these "friends". It's an older couple and the boyfriend's mother and stepdad.
So now I have to let go and do that "tough love". It will be tough if she burns all of her bridges and has nowhere to go. But I have to.
I spent over an hour talking to my mom last night. If there is one event that made me grateful for 2008...it's my mom. It's sad that my grandmother had to die to make it happen, but considering the type of person she was and the damage she inflicted...it is peaceful she is gone.
Peace out
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Best Holiday Treat
I still wonder if I am dreaming or I am some old Twilight Zone episode...
Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, Brittany and I drove to see my mother. We were meeting at a mexican restaurant. My mom didn't know for sure Brittany was able to come, so it was an exciting moment when my mom walked in. We stood side by side and she grinned, "she looks just like you!" Brittany went to shake her hand and my mom said, "how about a hug!?" So they hugged and all I could do was smile and I about cried! So there we were, 3 generations. It was awesome, no matter what's happened before. We talked about so many things that suddenly almost 2 hours had gone by. She also gave me some old pictures of me as a child and they were funny to look through. We also talked about the goofy things I did, getting myself in trouble as a child. Brittany got a big kick out of that! I could have never dreamed things could go so well. We agreed that no more time should go by and I think we are grateful for the way things have happened. It feels so good and for the first time in twenty years, I feel complete having both my parents. This is the first holiday I've been able to see both of them and it's hard to describe how good it feels.
Brittany really likes her and I think it feels strange to her having another grandma. I think my mom really wanted to have this happen long ago and she, too, has missed out.
It just goes to show you never know how things will come to be. I am so thankful for it all.
Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, Brittany and I drove to see my mother. We were meeting at a mexican restaurant. My mom didn't know for sure Brittany was able to come, so it was an exciting moment when my mom walked in. We stood side by side and she grinned, "she looks just like you!" Brittany went to shake her hand and my mom said, "how about a hug!?" So they hugged and all I could do was smile and I about cried! So there we were, 3 generations. It was awesome, no matter what's happened before. We talked about so many things that suddenly almost 2 hours had gone by. She also gave me some old pictures of me as a child and they were funny to look through. We also talked about the goofy things I did, getting myself in trouble as a child. Brittany got a big kick out of that! I could have never dreamed things could go so well. We agreed that no more time should go by and I think we are grateful for the way things have happened. It feels so good and for the first time in twenty years, I feel complete having both my parents. This is the first holiday I've been able to see both of them and it's hard to describe how good it feels.
Brittany really likes her and I think it feels strange to her having another grandma. I think my mom really wanted to have this happen long ago and she, too, has missed out.
It just goes to show you never know how things will come to be. I am so thankful for it all.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
The WOW Factor
It has been a WOW kind of year. It is beyond words...the good, the bad and the ugly.
Things still get better with my mom...those words alone I never thought I would put together into a sentence. We exchange cards and letters almost every week. She sends me things in the mail. It is apparent to me that she has really missed me over the years and was wanting this relationship. I still sit in amazement that it is going in this direction. My boss said something to me and I think it might be true. "Because you are standing by Brittany...she won't have that WOW factor."
I've also put in for a new job and I am hopeful. It's another $1/hr and the hours are better and it's more supervisory. I worked with one of my clients, Khyla, yesterday for my 2nd job that's called CDAC(consumer directed assistant care) where I do things around the house and with her that she is not capable of or needs help with(shopping, hygiene, chores around the house). I make over $11/hr doing that so anytime I can do it, I will. I have so much respect for Khyla's mom, as she is outspoken and does whatever she has to for her daughter. I think that is why we click so well. Khyla is a bit lower functioning but she is capable of so much, if she has the right motivation and guidance. I have been accused of expecting too much from my clients. I think we should all expect more and be challenged everyday. Alot of my clients were not challenged and other workers have said "well they've always been that way and there is nothing you can do about it." I beg to differ. Khyla's mom told me, "I want her challenged everyday to think for herself and do for herself, as much as she can." Khyla's mom has told me that since I've been working with Khyla, she is doing more and thinking more about what she should be doing, when I am not around. She told me, "she never ever did that before." So I can feel good about that.
I had a great conversation with Khyla's mom yesterday about Obama. Khyla and her family are black and I only mention this because of our conversation. I said "Isn't it great that he won?"
She says, "Yes I am glad he won, but more than that, I just fell in love with the MAN and I really don't care that he's black. If you are a good decent person, I don't care what color you are. And now people are saying that it's such an accomplishment because he's part white too. What the hell? Why does that make it an accomplishment? Big deal. For me, it's more about the man."
For me, that says it all.
I just hope he's for real.
IOWA even voted OBAMA....Iowa is always a republican state...that says alot right there.
That's my WOW factor for today.
Things still get better with my mom...those words alone I never thought I would put together into a sentence. We exchange cards and letters almost every week. She sends me things in the mail. It is apparent to me that she has really missed me over the years and was wanting this relationship. I still sit in amazement that it is going in this direction. My boss said something to me and I think it might be true. "Because you are standing by Brittany...she won't have that WOW factor."
I've also put in for a new job and I am hopeful. It's another $1/hr and the hours are better and it's more supervisory. I worked with one of my clients, Khyla, yesterday for my 2nd job that's called CDAC(consumer directed assistant care) where I do things around the house and with her that she is not capable of or needs help with(shopping, hygiene, chores around the house). I make over $11/hr doing that so anytime I can do it, I will. I have so much respect for Khyla's mom, as she is outspoken and does whatever she has to for her daughter. I think that is why we click so well. Khyla is a bit lower functioning but she is capable of so much, if she has the right motivation and guidance. I have been accused of expecting too much from my clients. I think we should all expect more and be challenged everyday. Alot of my clients were not challenged and other workers have said "well they've always been that way and there is nothing you can do about it." I beg to differ. Khyla's mom told me, "I want her challenged everyday to think for herself and do for herself, as much as she can." Khyla's mom has told me that since I've been working with Khyla, she is doing more and thinking more about what she should be doing, when I am not around. She told me, "she never ever did that before." So I can feel good about that.
I had a great conversation with Khyla's mom yesterday about Obama. Khyla and her family are black and I only mention this because of our conversation. I said "Isn't it great that he won?"
She says, "Yes I am glad he won, but more than that, I just fell in love with the MAN and I really don't care that he's black. If you are a good decent person, I don't care what color you are. And now people are saying that it's such an accomplishment because he's part white too. What the hell? Why does that make it an accomplishment? Big deal. For me, it's more about the man."
For me, that says it all.
I just hope he's for real.
IOWA even voted OBAMA....Iowa is always a republican state...that says alot right there.
That's my WOW factor for today.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Revelation Day
Here I sit, still in amazement that events have happened the way they have. Yesterday was a definite lesson in how important it is not to let time slip away.
Yesterday was the day my mother and Brittany were to meet for the first time. Brittany has a job now (YAY) so she had to work. I decided to go anyway, hoping this would give an opportunity for my mom and I to really talk. And did we ever. We spent 3 hours talking and sharing a meal, even had pie. Through all of our talking we discovered that my grandmother spent much of her time alive destroying our relationship and making sure we never spoke. My grandmother said awful hurtful things to my mother and told her flat out lies about me over the years, such as Brittany had AIDS and that was why she had so many problems and I graduated from college with a degree in Bowling which welfare paid for. I told my mother that just showed what she didn't know about AIDS since Brittany's problems are mental. The big one though was that I told her that my stepfather beat me and my brother and my mother too. When I was in high school, my grandmother got drunk and asked me if he ever "touched" me. I remember being shocked by the question and I said "no, of course not!" But she went on for years telling my mother all about being with a child abuser. So it's no wonder he doesn't want to see me. Hopefully that will change now, because he's really a good guy, especially to have to put up with all the bullshit.
My mother also bought a bracelet for Brittany and a journal book for Cindy. I think she loves Cindy which is something I never expected with the whole gay thing. I guess I am surprised she's so at ease with me being gay. She asked me questions and I answered them and it was so nice.
It's a lesson in communication and the lack thereof.
And guess who's moved back in? Yup. Brittany. I feel awful, but the kid didn't have anywhere to go because her latest roommates got drunk (even the 15yr old) and kicked her out. They even stole from her, what little she had. The people she originally moved in with didn't have the room any longer, so Brittany was crying and telling me she didn't have anywhere else to go. What could I do? Cindy is not happy about it, for sure, but there will be stipulations and conditions. At least she has a job. That is something anyway and I am going to help her get an apartment...like low income housing or something.
So all of this in one day.
I hope today is peaceful!
Yesterday was the day my mother and Brittany were to meet for the first time. Brittany has a job now (YAY) so she had to work. I decided to go anyway, hoping this would give an opportunity for my mom and I to really talk. And did we ever. We spent 3 hours talking and sharing a meal, even had pie. Through all of our talking we discovered that my grandmother spent much of her time alive destroying our relationship and making sure we never spoke. My grandmother said awful hurtful things to my mother and told her flat out lies about me over the years, such as Brittany had AIDS and that was why she had so many problems and I graduated from college with a degree in Bowling which welfare paid for. I told my mother that just showed what she didn't know about AIDS since Brittany's problems are mental. The big one though was that I told her that my stepfather beat me and my brother and my mother too. When I was in high school, my grandmother got drunk and asked me if he ever "touched" me. I remember being shocked by the question and I said "no, of course not!" But she went on for years telling my mother all about being with a child abuser. So it's no wonder he doesn't want to see me. Hopefully that will change now, because he's really a good guy, especially to have to put up with all the bullshit.
My mother also bought a bracelet for Brittany and a journal book for Cindy. I think she loves Cindy which is something I never expected with the whole gay thing. I guess I am surprised she's so at ease with me being gay. She asked me questions and I answered them and it was so nice.
It's a lesson in communication and the lack thereof.
And guess who's moved back in? Yup. Brittany. I feel awful, but the kid didn't have anywhere to go because her latest roommates got drunk (even the 15yr old) and kicked her out. They even stole from her, what little she had. The people she originally moved in with didn't have the room any longer, so Brittany was crying and telling me she didn't have anywhere else to go. What could I do? Cindy is not happy about it, for sure, but there will be stipulations and conditions. At least she has a job. That is something anyway and I am going to help her get an apartment...like low income housing or something.
So all of this in one day.
I hope today is peaceful!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Just When I Thought I Could Breathe...
Posting twice in one weekend.....I must be mad. Actually I'm sort of beyond that now, but damned if I am not learning another one of life's lovely(sarcasm) lessons.
Brittany called me(what else?) and asked if I had boxes....as IF I didn't figure out what she wanted them for. Maybe I should be grateful she didn't ask to come back, but I know that wouldn't happen. I think, "okay, I'll bite." I ask her why and she tells me she is moving. I ask "where?" She tells me she is moving in with a boyfriend. I said "WHAT?" It's this same damn kid that's 15 and lives with his mom. I do not know if that is where she is moving or he is getting an apartment. Brittany has broken up with this kid at least 4 times and the last I knew she wasn't with anyone. I say this to her and she says, "I wasn't, til last night." Great.
Then she asks me, "What are you getting so mad about?"
Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's watching my disabled daughter make decisions that will only cause more trouble. Hmmm no that couldn't be it.
I guess I am grateful she is on birth control. I don't know if things have gotten bad with these people she's been living with and she has to have a place to go. I ask her, "how are you going to support yourself and make a living?"
"I don't know. I'll think of something."
This is hard to watch. I know there is not a thing I can do and I remember myself at that age thinking, "oh I'll think about it later." Now it just creeps me out. But Brittany is not like other kids her age making bad decisions. I think that I could deal with that a little better. Knowing how she comes to make these decisions drives me crazy. Brittany just wants to bounce from home to home...any place where she has no rules. Then I think...why would she have rules...she's an adult right? That's what everyone else thinks, but I know in her mind she is in no way an adult.
Where's my rum?
Brittany called me(what else?) and asked if I had boxes....as IF I didn't figure out what she wanted them for. Maybe I should be grateful she didn't ask to come back, but I know that wouldn't happen. I think, "okay, I'll bite." I ask her why and she tells me she is moving. I ask "where?" She tells me she is moving in with a boyfriend. I said "WHAT?" It's this same damn kid that's 15 and lives with his mom. I do not know if that is where she is moving or he is getting an apartment. Brittany has broken up with this kid at least 4 times and the last I knew she wasn't with anyone. I say this to her and she says, "I wasn't, til last night." Great.
Then she asks me, "What are you getting so mad about?"
Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's watching my disabled daughter make decisions that will only cause more trouble. Hmmm no that couldn't be it.
I guess I am grateful she is on birth control. I don't know if things have gotten bad with these people she's been living with and she has to have a place to go. I ask her, "how are you going to support yourself and make a living?"
"I don't know. I'll think of something."
This is hard to watch. I know there is not a thing I can do and I remember myself at that age thinking, "oh I'll think about it later." Now it just creeps me out. But Brittany is not like other kids her age making bad decisions. I think that I could deal with that a little better. Knowing how she comes to make these decisions drives me crazy. Brittany just wants to bounce from home to home...any place where she has no rules. Then I think...why would she have rules...she's an adult right? That's what everyone else thinks, but I know in her mind she is in no way an adult.
Where's my rum?
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Blessings
I'm over with all the politics. I'm over with thinking of all the things that make me angry....let's just say for this entry, I'm over it.
For now, I am reflective of the things that have happened in my life this year. It seems like in the past, my whole world was revolved around finding my true love and until Cindy, that part of my life was always in turmoil. Now that I am settled, other parts of my life have taken center stage. Maybe it's because I am settled with Cindy that I've focused more on family. If someone would have told me at the beginning of the year that I would again have a relationship with my mother, I would have said, "yah whatever." Though I realize there is much to get through with my mother, it feels good to have her in my life again. Good, yet very surreal. My mother and I now exchange letters, cards and even recipes! I think she has missed me in her life and having someone to write to, talk to and see. Currently, we are planning to get together with Brittany. She has not met Brittany and I know she must be curious. In her last letter, she wrote, "Tell Cindy and Brittany, too, hello." Cindy certainly won her over and though 98% of my thought she would...I'm still not entirely sure what she thinks of me, so it's a big deal.
So I am counting my blessings for now. Brittany even came over apologizing for "everything" as she put it. She said she had been thinking of her whole life and felt sorry for things. Who knows how long this will last but I hope she can see things differently. She is anxious to meet her "grandma". It will be an interesting moment, that is for sure.
I know I could spend alot of time angry for the past 19 years of Brittany's life without her and my life without her, but I've put that aside. I know the person I was all those years ago and she had her reasons. I would not have made the same decision because I know the effect her decision had on my life. That being said, I know her decision made me a stronger person. The people that have abandoned me in my life only helped to strengthen my resolve, especially with all I've been through with Brittany. No one else can take credit for the good things that have happened to me. My core beliefs and the person I am today have alot to do with my mother and the way she raised me....but it's what you do with it that counts. I'm a different person than my mother. I am more outspoken and honest than she is. When I say honest, I mean forthcoming in letting people know what I think, what I feel. Too many times, I've not said what I feel or think and then the moment is gone.
Not to mention, I am RELENTLESS!
As a sidenote: Cindy and I are going to a psychic next Saturday, just for fun. I am anxious to hear what she has to say. People may say it's hokey(not pokey) but my coworker Amanda went and the things she told her are coming true in a creepy way.
I will keep both my readers updated!
Have a peaceful blessful day
Sunday, October 05, 2008
The Ugliness of the "T" Word
While I am not the most politically involved person, I found myself curious about the Vice Presidential debate. Granted, I did not stick around for the entire thing and am so glad I didn't. Our country is in a mess. Who knows if we will ever recover. There is so much I don't understand and even more that I am at odds with. One thing though, that I understood loud and clear from both sides is our government holds no value for many of us as gay americans. Oh sure, like that's a new statement. It's not. If you are gay, you are good enough to pay taxes but not good enough to have the same rights as other so-called americans.
I had read about Palin's church and how they have a program to "pray away the gay" as I call it, so that already turned me off)though I've never been a Republican and never will I am sure. When I hear straight people say that dreaded T word (Tolerance), I just cringe. Others may feel that is the most appropriate word, but I think it's the ugliest nastiest word to use. I suppose black americans have felt the same their whole history. It's saying...I "tolerate" you but you are not good enough to be like me. It's like just "putting up" with someone because they are there. I guess I should not be so angry because it's something that will most likely never change. I guess I should feel good that the democrats want to "allow" civil rights to a same sex partnership but not marriage. As I have stated previously, I do not want marriage for myself but in no way do I think the government should be able to tell a person who they can be with or marry. Then Biden says that should be left up to "faith". That is where the whole thing goes awry for me. I can call myself "spiritually religious" and feel good about it. I told Cindy that the question should have been posed to both sides, "what if one of your children came to you and told you they were gay?" What would your response be? Maybe their answer would be the same. And maybe they would take a little more time to think before they "tolerate" us. I really believe that none of this should even be talked about in a political arena, but it has to be because we have no rights.
Maybe if children didn't have the straight world shoved down their throat from the beginning, it wouldn't be such a traumatic thing later on. Maybe then we all wouldn't have to waste half our lives living a life we were never meant to live.
They are tolerant of us. I beg to differ...I believe it is us that is tolerating them.
But why does it always have to be US vs. THEM?
Thank you. I have approved this message.
I had read about Palin's church and how they have a program to "pray away the gay" as I call it, so that already turned me off)though I've never been a Republican and never will I am sure. When I hear straight people say that dreaded T word (Tolerance), I just cringe. Others may feel that is the most appropriate word, but I think it's the ugliest nastiest word to use. I suppose black americans have felt the same their whole history. It's saying...I "tolerate" you but you are not good enough to be like me. It's like just "putting up" with someone because they are there. I guess I should not be so angry because it's something that will most likely never change. I guess I should feel good that the democrats want to "allow" civil rights to a same sex partnership but not marriage. As I have stated previously, I do not want marriage for myself but in no way do I think the government should be able to tell a person who they can be with or marry. Then Biden says that should be left up to "faith". That is where the whole thing goes awry for me. I can call myself "spiritually religious" and feel good about it. I told Cindy that the question should have been posed to both sides, "what if one of your children came to you and told you they were gay?" What would your response be? Maybe their answer would be the same. And maybe they would take a little more time to think before they "tolerate" us. I really believe that none of this should even be talked about in a political arena, but it has to be because we have no rights.
Maybe if children didn't have the straight world shoved down their throat from the beginning, it wouldn't be such a traumatic thing later on. Maybe then we all wouldn't have to waste half our lives living a life we were never meant to live.
They are tolerant of us. I beg to differ...I believe it is us that is tolerating them.
But why does it always have to be US vs. THEM?
Thank you. I have approved this message.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Life On The INSIDE
YES. Here is our new addition. ODIE is part standard schnauzer and part Miniature Poodle. He is 2 years old and adorable!It's weird. It seems like forever since I've written. yah stuff happened. And it's still happening. Guess that's life for ya.
August was an odd month for me. I had planned to attend my 25th high school reunion. My friend and I were going to go until I got the invite saying it was $33/person. All this for mostly people I didn't know. There were over 800 people in my class and I maybe knew 5 well. None of which I've kept in much contact except for my friend Mariann, whom I've known since we were 12. So we decided to just hang out. She and her common law man LOL and Cindy and I. They had never met Cindy so it was a good opportunity.
Something else going on was about my mother. I'd written several times since I talked with her at my grandmother's memorial in May. There had been no response. But I kept writing. So the last time, I decided to email, which I got from the jokes my aunt had sent me. My mother lives in the same city I grew up in and hence, the same city where the reunion was. The first weekend I wanted to stop by and see her and she actually called me. It's the first phone call in over 20 yrs. It was awesome. So then the next weekend was the actual reunion weekend. I knew Cindy would be with me. I thought, well...might as well see if she is willing to meet Cindy. So I sent her another email the next week. She said she'd like to meet Cindy....BUT could she just meet us somewhere? I'm thinking this has more to do with my stepfather than anything. so we set it up to meet at a bar/grill called "THE FILLING STATION". Mariann ended up tagging along which I was not thrilled about. The girl does NOT take a hint well. It was nice introducing Cindy to her and funny to me that Mariann is really really gray and my mother says to me, "I suppose you dye your hair." I said, "no, I never have." I guess people think I should be totally gray by now!
So we had appetizers and tea and lemonade. My mother even asked how Cindy and I met and actually wanted to know. She made conversation and it was not awkward at all like I was expecting. I think she was even surprised herself. But that's my girl Cindy for you! She is a charmer.
Know what's the kicker? A few days later in the mail, Cindy and I both got cards from my mother saying what a good time she had and Cindy seems so nice and friendly! Who knows where it all will go, but it's a good thing and long overdue. I am trying to have Brittany and I venture there to meet some Saturday as I know she wants to meet her and vice versa.
So life seems pretty fair now. Brittany is going today for an appt for birth control. YAY. Finally. I just wish she didn't have to have it! LOL those days are gone.
Cindy and I are going on vacation soon to Cheyenne WY to a friend's wedding and then back to the cabin in Clear Lake IA. Odie is joining us, so THAT should be interesting!
Peace in the valley
Friday, July 04, 2008
From Hell to Fun in a Flash
What follows is a fun time for me.
On Sunday, June 29...I was going to head to Des Moines with 2 of my co-workers and 2 other women from another department to attend a conference on brain injury. So the 5 of us were taking a company car, a mini van. Now the agency paid for the gas going there and 2 hotel rooms, plus the registration fee for the seminar. Now I did not know the 2 women from the other department, but my coworkers did somewhat. One of the women, whom I will call Mandy is probably in her late 30s and quite a large woman(maybe 300-400lbs). She'd wanted to visit Pella, Iowa(a little town known for tulips and "a touch of Holland"). I, along with my coworkers spoke out against it. I stated that I did not feel we should make any other trips with a company vehicle/gas. Not to mention, the agency was paying for our time away from work. So then it was decided to skip it on the way there. Once we got to Des Moines, the 2 women, Mandy and Lisa, wanted to go to Red Lobster and charge the agency for their dinner. My 2 coworkers, Missy and Andrea agreed with me in that we did not want to go to Red Lobster as we could not afford it. Missy and Andrea talked about telling Mandy flat out that we could not go there, but when Mandy came to our room, they buckled. Andrea knows my personality and I think was depending on me spouting off. That's me, I am not shy about saying what I think. So I told Mandy we did not want to go to Red Lobster because we couldn't afford it and they could drop us off somewhere else if they wanted to go. No, they decided to go with us for chinese. Lisa did not like chinese and Mandy didn't like steak or beef (but likes pot roast...how messed up is that). So we discovered the chinese place did not have any american food so Lisa got cheesecake. Later she went to Texas road house and got a big meal that I would be surprised if she got that paid for since there is an approved dollar amount. Let me mention also that Mandy drove there to Des Moines and is a crazy ass driver. She never used a signal or even cruise control and was speeding. We were having a fit. We decided we were not going to let her drive on the way back.
So the next day, we had the seminar all day until 4pm. Andrea says to me, "I'm sure you won't have any trouble telling her she's not driving." LOL I said "no not at all." So I say to Mandy, "we think one of us should drive back." Mandy says "Oh I don't mind." She wasn't going to let me be nice about it. So I say "Well we mind." Mandy says to me jokingly, "So are you saying my driving scares you?" I hold up my thumb and forefinger just a little ways apart and say "just a little," and raise my forefinger wider. Missy and Andrea are dying laughing and Missy is actually turning red. Once we get to the van, Mandy turns to me saying, "well since I'm not driving can I still sit in the front?" (she gets car sick). So I say "sure". Then she barks, "are we still going to Pella because I know what I want and I can just get it and be done." I'm thinking...guess I better not piss her off too much. So we were overtaken and went to Pella with Missy driving.
Now...most everyone I work with at least in my department, knows I am gay. I kind of figured that these 2 women did not know. You know, I can't help but have a little fun with people whom I have to assume are uncomfortable with gayness. Of course the whole way I made several gay jokes, mostly at Missy's expense cuz it's fun...ya know talking about her hubby being gay blahblah blah...he isn't but it's fun and she was a good sport about it. But not once did I talk about myself being gay. So to break the tension I say to Mandy, "So if someone wanted to piss you off, they would make you a steak and make you sit in the back seat?" Mandy says, "yah pretty much" and laughs. Then out of the blue, Lisa belts out, "or send her a gay woman." LOL That was my clue that they did not have any idea. So I laugh and say "Aww, gay women won't hurt you none. They just sit back and crack gay jokes all day long." I can see the back of Missy's head bobbing from trying to hold in her laughter. Then Mandy says, "Oh well I don't think I know any gay women anyway, but I've known a couple of gay men." So I say, "Oh I know LOTS of gay women. Maybe I can introduce you." I was even laughing at myself. After our trip, Andrea said "I was thinking 'yah there's one in the car with you!" LMAO
Of course....I informed my boss of the fiasco and I think it won't go over well...but I decided I would make it fun and not let her ruin it. Plus my coworkers said they had more fun with just us. I guess I am known, especially at work, for being outspoken and maybe it's the work I do. If you don't speak up and say it, the moment is gone and people can run over you. My boss says I am animated...maybe I am.
I LIKE IT!
Have fun kids!
On Sunday, June 29...I was going to head to Des Moines with 2 of my co-workers and 2 other women from another department to attend a conference on brain injury. So the 5 of us were taking a company car, a mini van. Now the agency paid for the gas going there and 2 hotel rooms, plus the registration fee for the seminar. Now I did not know the 2 women from the other department, but my coworkers did somewhat. One of the women, whom I will call Mandy is probably in her late 30s and quite a large woman(maybe 300-400lbs). She'd wanted to visit Pella, Iowa(a little town known for tulips and "a touch of Holland"). I, along with my coworkers spoke out against it. I stated that I did not feel we should make any other trips with a company vehicle/gas. Not to mention, the agency was paying for our time away from work. So then it was decided to skip it on the way there. Once we got to Des Moines, the 2 women, Mandy and Lisa, wanted to go to Red Lobster and charge the agency for their dinner. My 2 coworkers, Missy and Andrea agreed with me in that we did not want to go to Red Lobster as we could not afford it. Missy and Andrea talked about telling Mandy flat out that we could not go there, but when Mandy came to our room, they buckled. Andrea knows my personality and I think was depending on me spouting off. That's me, I am not shy about saying what I think. So I told Mandy we did not want to go to Red Lobster because we couldn't afford it and they could drop us off somewhere else if they wanted to go. No, they decided to go with us for chinese. Lisa did not like chinese and Mandy didn't like steak or beef (but likes pot roast...how messed up is that). So we discovered the chinese place did not have any american food so Lisa got cheesecake. Later she went to Texas road house and got a big meal that I would be surprised if she got that paid for since there is an approved dollar amount. Let me mention also that Mandy drove there to Des Moines and is a crazy ass driver. She never used a signal or even cruise control and was speeding. We were having a fit. We decided we were not going to let her drive on the way back.
So the next day, we had the seminar all day until 4pm. Andrea says to me, "I'm sure you won't have any trouble telling her she's not driving." LOL I said "no not at all." So I say to Mandy, "we think one of us should drive back." Mandy says "Oh I don't mind." She wasn't going to let me be nice about it. So I say "Well we mind." Mandy says to me jokingly, "So are you saying my driving scares you?" I hold up my thumb and forefinger just a little ways apart and say "just a little," and raise my forefinger wider. Missy and Andrea are dying laughing and Missy is actually turning red. Once we get to the van, Mandy turns to me saying, "well since I'm not driving can I still sit in the front?" (she gets car sick). So I say "sure". Then she barks, "are we still going to Pella because I know what I want and I can just get it and be done." I'm thinking...guess I better not piss her off too much. So we were overtaken and went to Pella with Missy driving.
Now...most everyone I work with at least in my department, knows I am gay. I kind of figured that these 2 women did not know. You know, I can't help but have a little fun with people whom I have to assume are uncomfortable with gayness. Of course the whole way I made several gay jokes, mostly at Missy's expense cuz it's fun...ya know talking about her hubby being gay blahblah blah...he isn't but it's fun and she was a good sport about it. But not once did I talk about myself being gay. So to break the tension I say to Mandy, "So if someone wanted to piss you off, they would make you a steak and make you sit in the back seat?" Mandy says, "yah pretty much" and laughs. Then out of the blue, Lisa belts out, "or send her a gay woman." LOL That was my clue that they did not have any idea. So I laugh and say "Aww, gay women won't hurt you none. They just sit back and crack gay jokes all day long." I can see the back of Missy's head bobbing from trying to hold in her laughter. Then Mandy says, "Oh well I don't think I know any gay women anyway, but I've known a couple of gay men." So I say, "Oh I know LOTS of gay women. Maybe I can introduce you." I was even laughing at myself. After our trip, Andrea said "I was thinking 'yah there's one in the car with you!" LMAO
Of course....I informed my boss of the fiasco and I think it won't go over well...but I decided I would make it fun and not let her ruin it. Plus my coworkers said they had more fun with just us. I guess I am known, especially at work, for being outspoken and maybe it's the work I do. If you don't speak up and say it, the moment is gone and people can run over you. My boss says I am animated...maybe I am.
I LIKE IT!
Have fun kids!
What Goes Around...
comes back to haunt you and damned if it doesn't teach you a valuable lesson about where you've been and where you're heading. The unknown...gee it's what I live for.
I'm now in an "Ahhhh" moment and I am careful not to enjoy it too much. I can see a change in Brittany now. No she is not back home, thank God. I have not even offered it if things get bad there only because I want her to deal with the choice she made. I have a suspicion that it will turn out not so good, but I hope I am wrong. The big news? She broke up with her 15 year old boyfriend. AND she is not pregnant. That is reason to celebrate. I think I may be able to get her to come around about getting on some birth control. I can now have decent conversations with her and she actually listens to me. She's come over here on her own to see me when she's upset. I think she may realize life ain't as peachy as she thought. Monday she starts a job through vocational rehab working 3 days per week.
I'm in the hunt for a new job, one that's in town. Driving over 30 miles to and from work and driving clients around when I get there...it's too much when they will only pay .34/mile. I've gotten a whopping .60 in two years for raises, plus even more paperwork. Of course, I enjoy my schedule now, working a 4 day week so I can skip one day of driving. Stay tuned!
Fun times to follow.
Peace
J
I'm now in an "Ahhhh" moment and I am careful not to enjoy it too much. I can see a change in Brittany now. No she is not back home, thank God. I have not even offered it if things get bad there only because I want her to deal with the choice she made. I have a suspicion that it will turn out not so good, but I hope I am wrong. The big news? She broke up with her 15 year old boyfriend. AND she is not pregnant. That is reason to celebrate. I think I may be able to get her to come around about getting on some birth control. I can now have decent conversations with her and she actually listens to me. She's come over here on her own to see me when she's upset. I think she may realize life ain't as peachy as she thought. Monday she starts a job through vocational rehab working 3 days per week.
I'm in the hunt for a new job, one that's in town. Driving over 30 miles to and from work and driving clients around when I get there...it's too much when they will only pay .34/mile. I've gotten a whopping .60 in two years for raises, plus even more paperwork. Of course, I enjoy my schedule now, working a 4 day week so I can skip one day of driving. Stay tuned!
Fun times to follow.
Peace
J
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Clean Up on Aisle BRITTANY
Shoot, I need something industrial strength and commercial sized to clean up that mess. Brittany is now going to have to clean up her own messes now and a big part of me has thrown up my hands and said, "Hey kid, you're on your own." I am careful not to totally diss her because I could never do what my mother did and wait 20 years to find out if she learned life's lessons. Now, I am not saying my mother didn't have just cause...I think she just wanted a break from all the bullshit. Hell, I know the feeling. Nothing makes me understand my mother more than what's happened with Brittany.
Brittany called and came to visit earlier this week. We sat and talked and it was interesting. Granted, I was distressed(or disgusted) by the hickies on her neck blaring out at me like a foghorn, but I listened. She was telling me how her friends were falling to the wayside. "I thought I had it all figured out," she says. Hmmm, don't we all? I said, "welcome to Adultland." These people are actually helping her apply for food stamps and reapply for medical, etc. I felt good about that at least. Okay, I thought....maybe she was seeing what I've been saying. Or at the very least, there was hope. Then on Thursday I received this message on my cell phone (voice mail). "Hey you jerk, don't you ever call your fucking daughter?"
Okay...maybe I am totally old school, but I do not find the humor in that. I let Cindy listen to it and I told her that Brittany would tell me she was just joking. SHE should know I would NOT find that amusing. I had this feeling she was with Courtney but I can find nothing within me to think that's okay. But...if I think about Brittany's demeanor with me for her lifetime...most of her language to me has been terribly disrespectful. It makes me sick, because I know I didn't raise her that way. So Brittany calls me later and I attempted to talk to her and she says "I was just joking!" and then it was "Whatever" and Click. So I haven't heard from her since. I cannot imagine talking to anyone like that, even people I don't like.
Yesterday I totally cleaned her room and put the bed out in the shed. I also took what was left of her things and put them in a bin. I love looking at the room now. Just a bookcase a cabinet and the treadmill I'm getting back on come Monday. So as I am cleaning said room, what do I find under her bed? A condom. Still packaged thank GOD. After that, I had more rum and coke. The thought of it makes me EWWWWW. But I told myself that I should be glad she had it...but then again, she left it. UGH. I think whomever invented rum and coke...especially rum, must have had a daughter. It's a beautiful thing. The rum that is.
As for me, I am not sure I mentioned that I got to see my mother on May 30. Was it strange, too. Somehow, as much as her voice was always in my head, I'd forgotten what it actually sounded like. I went to her first and she hugged me right away and we had a nice nice talk. I feel liberated somehow. True, there is much to get through, but somehow someway, my grandmother brought us together.
Here's to RUM. YAY
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Who Knew?
Yes, it's me. Long lost me. There's so much to tell, I'm not sure where to begin. Our sweet loving dog Cody is gone now. It seems impossible that he's not here. We discovered he had a massive tumor and he being 12 years old was not a candidate for surgery. Cindy decided she just wanted to keep him comfortable. A few days later, he threw up clotted blood, so we knew it was time to make that horrifying decision. My God...I don't remember crying so hard as we were with him at that moment. It was so fast and peaceful for him. He gave us kisses before it happened, I think, to let us know he was ready. I think the hardest part is not seeing him when I open the door and at treat time. Knowing he is at peace and not suffering makes it okay.
Brittany...well, she finally graduated May 25th. And 2 days later, she moved out. I gave her a small party on Sunday and then she spent the night with her friend Courtney, came home on Monday (memorial day) and left to go to her boyfriend's father and stepmother's house. This boyfriend is 15 and has been kicked out of school for hitting a teacher or threatening one. I just shake my head. She never came home that night, no call, nothing. Then Tuesday after a couple of phone calls, Brittany finally calls me to say she is moving out. These people invited her to move in. She's known them maybe a couple of months. These people have no clue and neither does Brittany. But, like she told me, "you can't stop me." She was right, I cannot. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I've worked my ass off to get things right for her, to get her started and now here we are. So, I am letting go and letting her find out for herself. She has called me several times, all happy and giddy, expecting me to feel the same way. She has come over here acting like she's at a slumber party. I've already reminded her..."hey you made your decision, so you are going to have to figure it out yourself."
Even BIGGER news is...I received a birthday card from my mother! I've been writing to her more since my grandmother passed away in January. I never knew if she was reading them. My brother told me she called him and talked about it, so then I knew she was. So May 30th was my grandmother's memorial service and I saw her for the first time in over 19 years. I made the first move and went over to her and she hugged me and even introduced me as her daughter to some people I didn't know. Then afterwards we all went to the MOOSE (lodge) for sandwiches and we sat and talked and talked. She hugged me when she left saying it was good to see me, talk to me and that she was reading my letters. It's almost like a dream and seems crazy. Maybe time heals the wounds. I feel like a part of me is waking up that has been asleep for so long. I knew I couldn't give up...though I had my doubts it would ever happen. I was not a great young adult and caused her the grief that I am feeling now with Brittany. But boy have I learned alot. However it will pan out...it's how it's supposed to be. Good things come from bad things sometimes.
Ps. Happy BELATED birthday kmae(since we have the same one!)
Love and peace
Brittany...well, she finally graduated May 25th. And 2 days later, she moved out. I gave her a small party on Sunday and then she spent the night with her friend Courtney, came home on Monday (memorial day) and left to go to her boyfriend's father and stepmother's house. This boyfriend is 15 and has been kicked out of school for hitting a teacher or threatening one. I just shake my head. She never came home that night, no call, nothing. Then Tuesday after a couple of phone calls, Brittany finally calls me to say she is moving out. These people invited her to move in. She's known them maybe a couple of months. These people have no clue and neither does Brittany. But, like she told me, "you can't stop me." She was right, I cannot. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I've worked my ass off to get things right for her, to get her started and now here we are. So, I am letting go and letting her find out for herself. She has called me several times, all happy and giddy, expecting me to feel the same way. She has come over here acting like she's at a slumber party. I've already reminded her..."hey you made your decision, so you are going to have to figure it out yourself."
Even BIGGER news is...I received a birthday card from my mother! I've been writing to her more since my grandmother passed away in January. I never knew if she was reading them. My brother told me she called him and talked about it, so then I knew she was. So May 30th was my grandmother's memorial service and I saw her for the first time in over 19 years. I made the first move and went over to her and she hugged me and even introduced me as her daughter to some people I didn't know. Then afterwards we all went to the MOOSE (lodge) for sandwiches and we sat and talked and talked. She hugged me when she left saying it was good to see me, talk to me and that she was reading my letters. It's almost like a dream and seems crazy. Maybe time heals the wounds. I feel like a part of me is waking up that has been asleep for so long. I knew I couldn't give up...though I had my doubts it would ever happen. I was not a great young adult and caused her the grief that I am feeling now with Brittany. But boy have I learned alot. However it will pan out...it's how it's supposed to be. Good things come from bad things sometimes.
Ps. Happy BELATED birthday kmae(since we have the same one!)
Love and peace
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