Clean Up on Aisle BRITTANY

Shoot, I need something industrial strength and commercial sized to clean up that mess. Brittany is now going to have to clean up her own messes now and a big part of me has thrown up my hands and said, "Hey kid, you're on your own." I am careful not to totally diss her because I could never do what my mother did and wait 20 years to find out if she learned life's lessons. Now, I am not saying my mother didn't have just cause...I think she just wanted a break from all the bullshit. Hell, I know the feeling. Nothing makes me understand my mother more than what's happened with Brittany.

Brittany called and came to visit earlier this week. We sat and talked and it was interesting. Granted, I was distressed(or disgusted) by the hickies on her neck blaring out at me like a foghorn, but I listened. She was telling me how her friends were falling to the wayside. "I thought I had it all figured out," she says. Hmmm, don't we all? I said, "welcome to Adultland." These people are actually helping her apply for food stamps and reapply for medical, etc. I felt good about that at least. Okay, I thought....maybe she was seeing what I've been saying. Or at the very least, there was hope. Then on Thursday I received this message on my cell phone (voice mail). "Hey you jerk, don't you ever call your fucking daughter?"

Okay...maybe I am totally old school, but I do not find the humor in that. I let Cindy listen to it and I told her that Brittany would tell me she was just joking. SHE should know I would NOT find that amusing. I had this feeling she was with Courtney but I can find nothing within me to think that's okay. But...if I think about Brittany's demeanor with me for her lifetime...most of her language to me has been terribly disrespectful. It makes me sick, because I know I didn't raise her that way. So Brittany calls me later and I attempted to talk to her and she says "I was just joking!" and then it was "Whatever" and Click. So I haven't heard from her since. I cannot imagine talking to anyone like that, even people I don't like.

Yesterday I totally cleaned her room and put the bed out in the shed. I also took what was left of her things and put them in a bin. I love looking at the room now. Just a bookcase a cabinet and the treadmill I'm getting back on come Monday. So as I am cleaning said room, what do I find under her bed? A condom. Still packaged thank GOD. After that, I had more rum and coke. The thought of it makes me EWWWWW. But I told myself that I should be glad she had it...but then again, she left it. UGH. I think whomever invented rum and coke...especially rum, must have had a daughter. It's a beautiful thing. The rum that is.

As for me, I am not sure I mentioned that I got to see my mother on May 30. Was it strange, too. Somehow, as much as her voice was always in my head, I'd forgotten what it actually sounded like. I went to her first and she hugged me right away and we had a nice nice talk. I feel liberated somehow. True, there is much to get through, but somehow someway, my grandmother brought us together.

Here's to RUM. YAY

Who Knew?

Yes, it's me. Long lost me. There's so much to tell, I'm not sure where to begin. Our sweet loving dog Cody is gone now. It seems impossible that he's not here. We discovered he had a massive tumor and he being 12 years old was not a candidate for surgery. Cindy decided she just wanted to keep him comfortable. A few days later, he threw up clotted blood, so we knew it was time to make that horrifying decision. My God...I don't remember crying so hard as we were with him at that moment. It was so fast and peaceful for him. He gave us kisses before it happened, I think, to let us know he was ready. I think the hardest part is not seeing him when I open the door and at treat time. Knowing he is at peace and not suffering makes it okay.

Brittany...well, she finally graduated May 25th. And 2 days later, she moved out. I gave her a small party on Sunday and then she spent the night with her friend Courtney, came home on Monday (memorial day) and left to go to her boyfriend's father and stepmother's house. This boyfriend is 15 and has been kicked out of school for hitting a teacher or threatening one. I just shake my head. She never came home that night, no call, nothing. Then Tuesday after a couple of phone calls, Brittany finally calls me to say she is moving out. These people invited her to move in. She's known them maybe a couple of months. These people have no clue and neither does Brittany. But, like she told me, "you can't stop me." She was right, I cannot. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I've worked my ass off to get things right for her, to get her started and now here we are. So, I am letting go and letting her find out for herself. She has called me several times, all happy and giddy, expecting me to feel the same way. She has come over here acting like she's at a slumber party. I've already reminded her..."hey you made your decision, so you are going to have to figure it out yourself."

Even BIGGER news is...I received a birthday card from my mother! I've been writing to her more since my grandmother passed away in January. I never knew if she was reading them. My brother told me she called him and talked about it, so then I knew she was. So May 30th was my grandmother's memorial service and I saw her for the first time in over 19 years. I made the first move and went over to her and she hugged me and even introduced me as her daughter to some people I didn't know. Then afterwards we all went to the MOOSE (lodge) for sandwiches and we sat and talked and talked. She hugged me when she left saying it was good to see me, talk to me and that she was reading my letters. It's almost like a dream and seems crazy. Maybe time heals the wounds. I feel like a part of me is waking up that has been asleep for so long. I knew I couldn't give up...though I had my doubts it would ever happen. I was not a great young adult and caused her the grief that I am feeling now with Brittany. But boy have I learned alot. However it will pan out...it's how it's supposed to be. Good things come from bad things sometimes.

Ps. Happy BELATED birthday kmae(since we have the same one!)

Love and peace

Where Oh Where...

is the respect? I know I am looking for something that doesn't exist too often with kids today. It's even more than just respect, it's having a real conversation.

I am lost.

I wish I knew where to go with Brittany now. Whenever I talk to her, all she says is "whatever, whatever." Walking out while I am talking, the awful things she says. I am on the verge of kicking her out everyday. What's worse, there's nowhere for her to go. Yet, she does not think of this. She is due to graduate in May. It is not even in her mind that school will be done and it's time to move on into adultland. How in the world am I to wake her up to start thinking about where to go from here.

And now the worst of it is, everything I've been working on for her for the past year is now on hold for who knows how long. All I know is that I cannot continue to live this way and neither can Cindy.

I am sure Brittany and I will come to blows this weekend. I don't understand it all. I don't get where it all came from. Her hygiene is awful and she doesn't seem to care about it. I know I taught her the importance of these things, yet at 19 I have to ask her if she's taken care of these things and she doesn't care if she does it or not. Brittany yelled at me once to not treat her like my clients, but I told her that at least they know their responsibilities and take care of them.

Ahhh

No Thanks, I Prefer The INSANITY...

Yes, life is never calm for too long. I guess it's not supposed to be. In the past week, I've realized just how different my life is and will always be from my daughter's. I guess I have a strange sort of existence from others with children ready to graduate from high school. Other 18-19 year olds are not as dependent on their parents as Brittany is on me. No matter how much I try or the many ways I try to help her to move away from me, especially emotionally...I end up walking backwards in the sand.

Brittany has a couple of "friends" that I just know in my heart are NOT her friends and awful influences, and last week was my lifetime "moment of truth" movie. I told Brittany that now that the weather was getting warmer, she could walk to school. Sunday night, she was angry with me because I said, NO she could not use my computer and refused to talk to me all night. Monday morning, I thought, I am not going to wake her or try to get her up. It's her responsibility. I don't usually get her up, but I knew she didn't realize the whole thing was starting Monday. I never said a word to her and left at 7am. I get to work and call home at 8:30am, no answer, so I figured she was at school. At 12:30pm I get a call from the school saying she is absent today. Through some deducing, I find out Brittany's "friend" courtney is absent. Courtney is 15 and just a terrible influence as she knows Brittany's mentality is less than hers. I assume they are skipping school at Courtney's house, so I leave a message, at least so Brittany will know that I knew what she was up to. I kept calling home, and no answer. Meanwhile Cindy is getting off of work unusually early. Apparently, she came home to Brittany and Courtney wrecking havoc in the house all day, leaving a trail of messes wherever they went. Cindy lost it and there was yelling, etc. I've only seen Cindy mad maybe twice in 3 years. She attempted to kick Courtney out of the house. As she told me the story, I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of kicking someone out of your house and then offering them a ride home LMAO. But Brittany and Courtney left together. Brittany always leaves. She came back at 10 pm and wanted to talk which shocked me. So we talked and she knew what she'd done was bad. Plus, Courtney's parents have talked Brittany into learning about their church and attending a class. They are Baptist. Yay. Brittany stated to me that she talked to Courtney's mom about my "negativity". Courtney's mom apparently told Brittany that the reason I have issues with it is because of my "lifestyle choices." Hmmm, reeeeeaaaalllly.

I reminded Brittany that C's mom does not know me, and has never even really met me, yet she is judging me. I asked Brittany to ask C's mom how she feels about her choice to be straight.

Okay all of that aside, we worked it out. So Tuesday I got to work, plugging away on paperwork and I get a phone call from the school. The DEAN of students. He tells me Brittany was caught the week before with her "friends" vandalizing the girls' bathroom. Have I totally gone insane?
He said he didn't think that she was directly doing it, but she was with them, making her guilty. She got an in school suspension.

The bottom line here is that she just cannot see how they talk her into bad things, treat her badly and god knows what else. I suppose it's no different than any of us at that age. Brittany is not strong enough to say no, that's wrong, and walk away. Why? Because she wants the friendship, or supposed friendship and knows they would not include her if she said no.

It's hard to fight against that. Especially when you are Brittany.

Remind me again why this is supposed to be this way?

The Dangling Carrot...

Hello my 2 readers! Sorry it's been so long. It's really been difficult to find something to write about. Actually, it's hard to pick. Sometimes, my life seems so damn crazy between work, home and the kid, I feel like I am twirling in the vortex of a tornado. I hope I land soon. For now, I will discuss my favorite topic: The Government. More specifically, SOCIAL SECURITY and DISABILITY.

Now I have my own issues because I cannot get Brittany on disability because even at an IQ of 73, she is not "severe enough" according to their standards. I want her to have a little assistance because she is in no way able to care for herself and have the responsibilities that a regular 19 year old has. That aside, the following rant has to do with one of my clients.

Mike is 38 years old and his IQ is probably in the 60s. He has a form of Autism along with being MR(mental retardation). I just adore him. He makes me smile even when I am tired and having a rotten day. I see him and he smiles that big smile and says, "Oh Julie, there you are! Do you see me smiling at you? It's cuz I'm happy to see you!" I recently heard him tell a clerk, "I always smile when I'm with Julie." Now how can I feel bad?

In an earlier post, I relayed the story of how Soc Security, 3 years ago sent Mike a back payment of at least $1500. His worker at the time set it aside, knowing they would be asking for it back. Sure enough, that's what happened, so she sent the money back. Then last year, they wrote Mike saying he had never paid it back. We found the receipt that said "keep this for your receipt". The woman who does payee services argued with Soc Security because even though they had cashed his check, they didn't care if he had a receipt. Finally it was resolved. Turns out the federal office and the local office did not communicate with each other. Gee, imagine that.
NOW here it is, 2008. Suddenly, I get a letter for Mike stating that he is owed a back payment since 1997 for cost of living increase. By the time I got the letter, over $4700 was deposited into his checking account. A bit leary of this, I have made several calls to soc security and 4 calls later, it is being investigated and is being thought to be a mistake. While I was secretly hoping this money was his, I had a bad feeling. This was because the letter stated that soc sec had stopped paying someone on this record. Mike is the only one on his record. Even Soc Sec did not know what it was about.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Then I started thinking. This is not the first time it's happened to Mike and not the first time it's happened to one of our clients. These are the people who are the most vulnerable and cannot advocate for themselves most often. If I had allowed him to spend the money and then a few months later, they came back to say, 'oh WE made a mistake, so now YOU owe US', he could not pay that back. Then what happens is that they start taking the repayment out of his current disability. This is a total trap of the worst kind. If I had not made a nuisance out of myself, as I almost always do, no one would know it was a mistake. It makes me so angry. Mike will never be able to work in a job to support himself due to his disabilities, yet he has to be as independent as he is capable of being.

When will our government take responsibility for its own mistakes? Maybe do some extra work so you DON'T make the mistake in the first place and don't make the very people you say you are helping pay the price for your inability to do your job.

I'm telling you, Mike has a helluva lot more brains than those people.

I reserve the right to climb back on my soapbox at a later ranting.

Peace and Common Sense
J

The Art of Becoming Human...again

It's been 3 years since I've seen this tree, but I love looking at it. I was visiting Cindy and we hiked a trail through the woods near Indian Lake Park, not far from here. I think back to those simple times when all I could think of was being with Cindy and soaking up every last second with her before I had to go back home.

Simple.

I think we've lost the ability to be simple. I watch people and it's kind of distressing how no one really talks to anyone anymore, face to face, without interruptions. People are always on the phone. If it's not attached to our hand, it's on our ear. Those blue tooth things looks so strange, like some kind of growth on your ear. In a world of mass technology, where do we fit in? How can we be simple again...or even human?

We are all at war and not just in other countries, but within ourselves. It's a fight against others telling us how to live, who we should love, who we should marry, what God to love and who to hate. Those who have the most money WINS! But what do we win? Hell, you can't take it with you. And more importantly, what have we lost?

So for me, I want to be human lover, not a hater.

The REAL Final Frontier

Death. I stare at the word and even the letters that make up the word have some kind of aura. For those couple of people who read my blog, it may appear as if I am talking about death too much. I probably am, but now it is ever present on my mind.

January 8th was Cindy's and my 3 year anniversary! YAY! Well we decided to get away this past weekend and go to Ames, Iowa and take Brittany along the way to stay with my aunt. There is a to die for BBQ place there and good shopping. Plus, it's where I graduated from college and it's nice to go back. So Saturday we drove to drop Brittany off at my aunt's house and left for Ames, outside of Marshalltown, IA. Cindy and I checked into our hotel, then did some shopping and went to clog our arteries with BBQ. After we finally fit out the door, we went to the mall to walk around. While at Penny's I got the call. It said it was from my grandma June, but somehow I knew the moment had come for her. Yep, it was my aunt(on my mother's side, not the one Brittany was staying with). She said that my grandmother had just passed away a little while ago. For the past few months, my grandmother had been talking about death quite alot, stating she was just waiting for her time to go. She would have been 90 years old this year. It's hard to fathom those numbers.

So Cindy and I decided to stay an extra day as there was to be a "family viewing" Monday(yesterday) at 1pm. As in my last entry, I've stated how I cannot handle viewing the body and it's better for me not to. Well, I knew that I would have to on this day, as there was to be no memorial service until June or July. The other part of this is about my mother. My mother probably had not seen her own mother in 6 months and barely called her. It's been 19 years since I've seen my mother and I have always had this moment in my head that I would finally see her at my grandmother's funeral. Could someone be so cold to their own mother, even in death?

Yes. My mother did not show up for the visitation, though she lives 3 hours away. The same distance that I do. In fact, as of Saturday evening, she hadn't bothered to call my brother in Colorado to tell him...though she called other people not even closely related to her. I called my brother Saturday evening to tell him. I feel sad for my mother in a way, even though she did this to herself. I heard the whispers about how my mother hasn't even seen her only grandchild. My aunt stated, "well she is the one that has to live with herself." and it's true. To say I don't understand my mother would be the understatement of the century. Obviously, she holds a strong grudge against her own mother also, one that is wasted. So much has been wasted, not the least of all, time.

If there is one thing I've learned from my mother, it's becoming the person she's not.

Death and the Girlfriend

Death. It's so final. There's no more sunny skies, no more enjoying all that waking up everyday has to give you. I guess that is the most difficult part for me to imagine. Maybe once I get older I will become more at peace with the notion, but right now, it boggles my mind.

Thursday was my friend Julie's visitation. Since she was in the military for 21 years, she received a full military funeral. She deserved that, without question. For me, I cannot deal with seeing the body of someone I know and cared about. I know that many people need to see that body so they know they are really gone and to say their goodbyes. I am not one of those people. From the time I was young and went to my first funeral, I've had visions. Yes, I see dead people. Not psychic visions or anything that exciting...but for the few visitations I've been to, that is the picture in my mind for a long time afterward. It's just too much. I would much rather remember that person as they were in their glory...not lying in a casket. So I chose not to go to the visitation, but the funeral instead. Cindy said she wished I was there...but I don't.

So the funeral was Friday. What a beautiful service it was. Julie was the ultimate lesbian. Many of her old girlfriends showed up and people I've known from "the pack". Julie was the 'love'em and leave'em' type for sure, but there were a select few that meant the world to her. She lived for lust and when that got old, she moved on. But I have to believe she was very happy in the last year and a half with her girlfriend Jeanie. I had to smile when I saw the huge turnout because I knew Julie was watching and loving every damn minute...knowing all the attention she was getting.

From the time this all happened to Julie, I've been concerned about how Julie's girlfriend would be treated. Afterall, she was the one who found Julie, the one who called 911 and most especially, the one in Julie's life. I thought maybe since Julie's sister, T(Cindy's ex), is also gay, that she would understand and not push her aside like she meant nothing. But I was wrong. So T and another friend Julie(who was Julie's ex GF and the one she was still the closest to) went to Texas to take her off life support. They made all these arrangements, I'm sure with the help of the military, and I never heard a word about Jeanie.

I really did not approve of the way this funeral home was set up for Julie's funeral. The family was set up in one room and friends and others in another room adjacent to it. So we were separated from the family and could not see the family. Oh there was a tv screen that people in the back could probably see, but it just felt wrong. What was even more wrong was that Jeanie sat with us. Some friends of ours let them sit in the front row out of respect, but she should have been in with the family. I started thinking that if something happened to Cindy right now, this is where I would be delegated...to the friend room. The problem I have is that there were other "friends" there in the family room. Who was closer to Julie than her girlfriend? Jeanie was not even mentioned as a CLOSE friend in the obituary or the little pamphlet that was handed out when we walked in.

I said to Cindy how wrong this was and told her, "Julie sure as hell wouldn't take a back seat to anyone!" Cindy laughed and said, "Hell no, she wouldn't."

As far as we've come...I wonder if we'll always be in the friend room...

Christmas 2007...in a nutshell

For 2 Christmases in a row now, I've had to deal with death. For an everyday occurence, it sure is ever present on my mind. People enter your life for a reason, no matter how long they are here. They do their job and make their exit. We are never ready for the final bow.

My Christmas this year, was not too awful. I've spent many Christmases by myself...without Brittany and without anyone, family or a significant other. So this Christmas, I had all of it together. Yah, it's stressful with all of the shopping and money woes and Lord knows I do NOT want to see another cookie for awhile...but I have to say it was all good.

Of course, I was not planning on Brittany being here this year, but I am glad she is. She is doing better for the most part. I do not remember being so self centered when I was her age, but maybe I was. If there is one thing I do know, it's that I had a helluva lot more respect for my family and my elders. Brittany does not, though I know most kids I see in today's world do not. That does not make it okay. It makes it sad and pathetic. Brittany and I went to see my grandmother who lives in an assisted living apartment. Brittany was planning on spending the night with her while I went with my dad, stepmom and aunt to stay at the hotel/casino 20 minutes away. I bought Brittany THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW for Christmas. It cracks me up that she has discovered that movie. Anyway, I was leaving my computer with her so she could watch movies. So we get there, people are coming to visit my grandmother and Brittany starts watching this movie with her headphones on. She starts doing "the time warp" dance. I asked her if she could not dance around while people were visiting. Brittany tells me "no I can't." Then I asked her to pause it out of respect for everyone coming in and visiting. The room is really small. She then becomes angry and starts having a tantrum like a 3 year old...albeit, quietly. SHe plops next to me whispering "I hate it here, I want to go home. You always control everything I do." So I ignore her as long as I can and tell her she is acting like a 3 year old and I wasn't going to talk to her until she acted like an adult. Then my stepmom tells my dad that it's time for the "CAW" which is a little thing my dad does by grabbing someone's thigh above the knee and making crow sounds. So then he did that, attempting to pull her out of it by humor. I guess it worked, but I was left feeling so angry with her. So then we all left and Brittany spent the night with my grandmother. I didn't know what would happen, but it all turned out fine and Brittany played cards with my grandmother.

Meanwhile, we all went to the casino and hotel. It was a nice time. My aunt, Sharon is 65 and newly separated from her 4th husband. She is like having another teenager or kid around. In some ways, it's fun, in others....well it's just downright strange. I love her to death and have always been close to her. She's always had an issue with my being gay and she's said she is doing better. Well, Sharon likes to drink and smoke and she smoked in the room that was no smoking. Either she didn't know or didn't care...or didn't think about it at all. So after everyone finished gambling, she comes back still drinking and smoking...giving me her theory on why I am gay. It cracks me up when Straight people give their theory on this subject. This is the aunt who fondled me some 20 years ago trying to "test" me to see if I was gay. I know, I know, EWWW!
Of course, I did not think or believe I was gay at the time. Her theory is that I was so rejected by my mother and she also mentioned about my father giving me baths as a baby. Gee, that has SO much credibility! All I can do is laugh.

My family has truly come around and I think it's because they really love Cindy and see how happy we are. We don't flaunt anything or even hold hands in their presence...though sometimes we play footsie! My stepmother was cleaning out my grandmother's closet when we came back and even made jokes about coming out of the closet. That made me laugh! My folks even gave Cindy and I matching Ornaments that say Cindy and Julie on them. I think that says it all.

So it was good, bad, ugly and sorrowful all at once. All in all...I feel blessed. And isn't that the point?

Peace for the new year.

Comings and Goings

Life is fast. Most often, it doesn't feel like it. That is until you are confronted with death. No matter how long I am on this earth, I can never understand it.

Cindy and I were going along with our Christmas just fine and then came the phone call. A good friend of ours, Julie(yep she's a Julie), was in the hospital in Texas after collapsing from a brain anneurism and was on life support. She's now gone and luckily she probably didn't know what hit her. It baffles me.

I met Julie after I moved in with Cindy. Julie happened to be Cindy's ex gf's sister, who was also gay. She was a wild one and always gave Cindy a hard time, teasing her, and Cindy could never think of a comeback line fast enough. In past blogging sessions, I have explained how Cindy and her ex are close friends and sometimes that baffles me too. I am sure when Julie met me, she wanted to test me out to make sure I was worthy of being in this PACK. So I spent the time and found opportunities to get her with comeback lines and witty things...with a little attitude. Cindy's ex, T(I shall call her), laughed and told me, "no one's ever talked to my sister like that. You'll do just fine!" So I shared a bond with Julie right away. She told me of her escapades and I know one day I will write them in a book. It's really a tale of 3 sisters and the horrible things they lived through. I had to laugh when Julie talked to me about her affair with a girl...she said, "What am I supposed to do? She shows up on my doorstep in the rain? I just HAD to let her come in!" It's those memories I think of now. Thank God I have them. Julie was around 50 years old.

People enter our life and we never know the impact they will have. Then in what seems like a summer breeze, they are gone. I saw Julie last summer. She brought her much younger girlfriend with her and we just had to laugh. I have her on video and I am sure I will watch and listen and laugh and cry.

It's another lesson in life. Make each day count because we never know what's in store for us. Pretty soon, you are out of time. I know I am grateful for Julie's time here and that I had a chance to know her.

The 8th Month

Could it be that long? Actually, it seems longer that Brittany has been here. I am not sure what I think about anything anymore. A couple weeks ago, she was out of control, yelling, screaming, slamming doors when she didn't get her way. Now at least, the past week or so has been calm.

I am drained and it's on my mind constantly after the things she's said to me. If there is one thing that annoys me, it's the disrespect. I have always known Brittany to have anger issues. I also knew that when I made that fateful decision to send her to the foster home (a decision that was actually made for me) that there would be mental repercussions. I am not sure what Brittany feels for me at this point. She's told me she does not want to work things out with me and why did I bother giving birth to her, blah blah blah. God, I am so tired of defending myself and my decisions. She has no idea how hard things were for me, what I went through just to have her in my life and she seems not to care that Cindy and I have turned our lives upside down to help her. If she had not come here on vacation, those assholes would have thrown her on the street.

So I am trying, still, to get some things together for her so that when she graduates, she has somewhere to go, some kind of direction, since she does not care about that. If Brittany were a regular 18 year old, I wouldn't be trying so hard. I would just let her go. But I know Brittany is not capable of being out there in the world alone. She is more like 14 or 15. She does not take responsibility for anything she does. Brittany had refused to do the things I am trying to line up...but now it seems she might be warming to the idea. She does not want to leave her friends. What she cannot seem to grasp is the notion that her friends are all younger than her. They will still be in school and I refuse to allow her to sit here and do nothing. I want her to be able to move to Burlington...which is the city where I work, about 45 minutes away. There are more opportunities for her there. So I decided I would start by offering to take her and her friend for a day trip next saturday, to show off the town with her friend, see what is all there for her. Brittany does not think anything is wrong with her really, so it is difficult for her to understand that she needs some guidance. Brittany is so addicted to this friend, "courtney", that it almost appears like worship. Brittany liked oldies and country music, now suddenly she likes marilyn manson? Brittany has changed her personality to be like courtney's. I know we've all done it, just so someone will like us. I know, I have to pick my battles. The most important one is helping her to help herself.

So I am going with her to her counseling appt next monday where we will begin to delve into Brittany's anger issues with me that she doesn't want to discuss. Well I will discuss them for sure. I took the day off because I know I will be like a limp noodle when I am done. But it is worth it.

ChickaBoomChickaboom....doncha just love it!

It's Always Somthin'....

It reminds me of Gilda Radner as RosanneRosannaDanna on SNL years ago. It's Always Somethin'....and it is. It's the never ending saga that is my life right now. SIGH

Here's the update on Brittany the kid. Things had been going, well....okay, no outbursts for quite awhile. Then Brittany met this girl Courtney at school and they have kind of a weird relationship. Brittany wanted the girl to spend the night as she had spent the night at her house already. I spoke to Cindy about it. Cindy did not want her to for the simple fact that she is not out to her family and her co-workers. I understood and respected her decision. Brittany became irate screaming and hollering, I heard it over the phone. She threw the phone out of the way, kind of shoved Cindy out of the way and ran off. I came home from work, making phone calls and finally discovering where she was. I chose not to go after her. She is 18, there is not much I can do. She came back that night in a fit that she was 18 and could do anything go anywhere she wanted. So I tell her she can stay with her friend 1 night and then if she wants to be an adult so bad, she can come home and talk about it. She came back the next day, feeling bad about what she'd done. But I know this is not the end. I think she is way too involved with this girl...to the point of being fanatical and worship like.

Now on the other side...I received the report from all the tests that were done on Brittany. Her IQ is 73 and she has tested in the mild mental retardation range as I suspected. So now my plan is to go ahead and begin paperwork for getting her some services, like what I do for a living. I have the fear that she will fight it and in that case I may have to look at becoming her legal guardian, which costs money. But we shall see. It's alot to take on now, but it's the only way for Brittany to have any sort of future. I gotta do what I gotta do....

It's always somethin....if your kid ain't crazy, you are. You gotta laugh...
Peace Everyone

Abundant Rewards

As I sit here, chocolate chip cookie warm from the oven, in my hand...I think about the little things in life that are so good, they are indescribable. Most often, we focus on the big things/issues that complicate our lives. I am reminded of this every day with my work.

My work with mentally challenged adults brings me back in tune with what's really important. I go from day to day, doing my job the best way I can...even knowing I have a daughter who is mentally challenged. My clients do not have many, if any, behavioral issues...which makes them an absolute joy to be around. For those who have never had the pleasure of knowing a mentally challenged person, it's something you should seek out.

I had an experience with my client, Mike, who is probably the one who grabs my heart every time. When I started working with him, he had beat up his sister and still has impulsive aggression issues. My co-workers and supervisor, I am sure, have considered him the most difficult. Mike has 5 sisters and his dad...though they are not overly involved with him for the most part. I've heard Mike tell me that he has to be "good" that he cannot be bad. I've told him what a good person he is and remind him of all the reasons he is a good person and that I believe in him. Mike loves to fish....he is addicted to it. Mike and I went fishing and he loved teaching me what he assumed I didn't know about fishing. He sees me down the street and I can see him grinning from ear to ear. I can't help but smile. His family has told me they have seen such an amazing difference in him. Mike also has a form of autism. He talks a million miles a minute and can change the subject within one breath several times. Yesterday, I did my usual routine with Mike, take him to the bank and then home. We talked for a few minutes and as I got ready to leave, he hugged me. The whole thing shocked me and still does. Mike does not shake hands or do high fives. He always says, "I'm afraid my luck will rub off." On my drive home, I had to think...this is what it's all about. Mike has made an impact on me...as has all of the other clients I've worked with in the past 12 years of doing this work. I get angry that the pay is so low and the way the agency is operated on a day to day basis...and then the hug.

It puts things in perspective. Yah life is hard, yah life deals you blows...but life is full of rewards, if only you choose to see them.

Be Happy, Be Joyful, Be GAY

Of course, it's not for everyone. I consider being gay kind of special. We are all chosen and since I believe we are born gay...it's a given. And wouldn't you know there are so many who try to step on over to our side of the street...yet they have no gay card. There are bad gay people just like there are bad straight people. Most of us didn't know we possessed "the gift" of being gay, so we try straightdom and realize there is something missing.

Oh there are the stereotypes and there wouldn't be stereotypes if there weren't some element of truth to them. As a lesbian, I understand this and have lived it. I have moved in with women I didn't know very well...one after 3 weeks of talking online and 1 visit and another talking on the phone for 1 month and did not meet in person until I moved in with her. I am my own UHAUL and have lived the joke. My longest relationship is the one I am in now, 3 years in January. The other stereotypes about lesbians that I have learned is that they travel in packs and date each other...Lordy is this true.

When I met Cindy and she introduced me to her ex Tina(I shall call her this to be kind), I thought "how interesting". Cindy and Tina remained friends which in and of itself was odd but commendable. I've grown to like Tina although it's a complicated relationship for me, but that's another blog session. Since I have discovered life in "the pack". Through Cindy's stories and meeting people I realize that many of the women have dated each other. I used to think that maybe this was not true for midwest lesbians...but now I know it's universal. I was never in "the pack" until now. Though I have to admit Cindy and I are not really in the pack. Cindy has never dated anyone in the pack except for Tina. Tina sure has though.

Yes, I do have a point to all of this.

There is a couple in the pack, Tish and Karen, who have been together for 10 years. They are the stereotypical butch and Femme couple. Tish is butcher(yes it's an adjective here not a noun) than my dad and Karen is the typical femme woman. This year at the annual lesbian party thrown by our friend Julie, Cindy and I noticed Tish and Karen were no where near each other the whole day. Tish hung around with Cindy and I and another woman who is her buddy. So a couple weeks ago, we sort of were taken aback to learn that Tish and Karen broke up. The story is too weird. Apparently, Tish stated that an old gf named Veronica showed up on her doorstep and she tells Karen that she's always still had feelings for her. So now Tish and Veronica are together and Karen apparently moved back with her gf from 20 years ago.

Aren't lesbians funny?

What's In The Plan, Stays In The Plan

So in September, Brittany will have been here for 6 months. Little did I know that when the girl came for a visit, that it would be permanent. Many times now, as awful as it sounds, I miss the times when I just missed her. But...as with most everything else since the day she was born...things change. I think deep inside I knew something was bound to happen when she turned 18 and somehow it would be heading straight for me. Ta--freakin'-Da.

Back in June, I had helped Brittany apply for SSI. During this process, Brittany was given an IQ test and due to this and the fact that she had held a job, SSI turned her down. Because of legal wranglings, I could not find out what the IQ test/report said. Brittany is now 18 and I am not her guardian, she is her own guardian. This makes things sticky as I cannot just make a phone call and make things happen any longer. So, all this time, I have not known what Brittany's IQ is. When she was 11, I believe, she was tested and it was 66, which falls under mild mental retardation. 70 and below falls in this range. So years later when she went to the foster home and I was told she was suddenly 70, I was skeptical. I feel truly blessed that I have worked with the developmentally disabled all these years because it has helped me to better understand my daughter and realize what she needs.

Enter Friday August 24, 2007. I took Brittany to Iowa City for an appointment with a psychologist. As it turns out, they messed things up and did not have us scheduled. But in return, the social worker wanted to share with Brittany and I the results of the IQ test that was done for SSI. Brittany's IQ is 73. For Brittany to qualify for services and be under what is called an "M.R. WAIVER" she has to be under 75, so she is just under the buzzer. So this is good news.

So now I've been reflective about how my life, and Brittany's has turned out. I remember when she was born...how I never knew Brittany would not have a typical life. No one ever knows. I used to be envious of other parents who had "normal" children. And at times, even now, I am. I've thought about my dad and how different things would be if Brittany were a "normal" girl. But she's not. I understood a long time ago that this is the way it's meant to be. Oh life would have been simpler, but not any less meaningful. It's the path that is paved for us before we are even aware. The struggles are the lessons. I've had to learn to fight my way through the mud and maybe some parents have not had to fight and learn to stand up and say "no, my child deserves your attention." Maybe it's because before Brittany was ever around, I had to struggle myself..without the support of family. I also know the reason Brittany is here. It's up to me to help guide her in the next stage of her life. I may never be a grandmother. Brittany may never be a college graduate or have a lucrative career. Hell, I'd settle for a lucrative career at this point. Unfortunately, Brittany is a fighter LOL I'm not sure I like seeing myself in her. She has tantrums like a 3 year old and I have to discipline her now at 18. No matter how she resists me, I have to push her to make her own decisions, good or bad. And she will fight me all the way.

So I am hangin on to find out what's in store for me at the next turn.

The Life Of Riley...whoever that is

Allow me to introduce Checkers. Yes I caught him in the middle of something we all wish we could master. It must really be hard to sleep all day and wear yourself out licking.

If it is the life of Riley....Riley must be pretty damn happy!

The Old School

The days run into one another and I think, "gee, I haven't written on the ol blog for awhile," (yah, do we really believe I say "gee" even in my mind?) and then something comes up...usually when Cindy and I discuss some deep and pivotal topic, and I feel I MUST blog it. I could blog about things that have happened to me recently at work or the fact that I have just discovered medicaid/medicare will not pay for a yeast infection treatment but pays for viagra and all of the E.D. pills there are out for men. Nope. I am not going to blog about it.

I am a 42 year old woman who is lost in the past, it seems. The past where people respected each other and kids respected their parents AND parents respected their children. You know, the past where there were not cell phones, the internet, IPODS and droopy drawers. God, how I miss it and I know, it will never come back again. We've gone too far to turn around now.

I do have to say it's not all bad. The internet is a wonderful magical yet mystical place and I have to be oh so grateful for it. Life seems easier now in some areas due to the technology.

But easier does not mean better.

What has brought this attention to the good ole days, you ask? In February of 2009, and most people might know this, but I did not...TV as we once knew it will be over. No longer will TV be free. Not that many of us even have free tv anymore. So, no more antennae with foil. I laugh at the OLD DAYS when we all had to do this. I remember 3 channels and maybe PBS growing up. Is this really progress? Is it really freedom when the government and big business tells us how to live and make us pay for it. Cindy told me, "It won't be long and radio will follow." She is right, I am afraid to say. It really makes me wonder how things got so awfully out of hand.

The world is moving faster than ever. Everyone is in a hurry to get where they are going, and when you do that, you miss everything along the way. And there is so much that we've missed. I've always wished I could have lived long ago, listened to the radio and not had all of the conveniences. I guess maybe the older generations always feel this way when so-called progress happens.

All I know is, with the world moving so fast...I'd like to be a crock pot.

Take the time to enjoy the breeze.

Lost Outside My Mind

Well here I sit contemplating my life, such as it is...and wondering WHAT THE !@#$$. The majority of my life is so good, it's scary. Of course, that means Cindy. Enter Brittany.

This is an odd stage of her life and mine. Just when you think your child is moving on to another phase...you realize you are responsible for this too. I understand that this is the reason she is here with me...she needs this guidance.

Brittany is out of control. It's only getting worse. How do you reason with someone who is unreasonable and unreachable? Hell if I could answer that question, I'd be richer than I am today. It has come to the point where I cannot even talk to her without some sort of violent outburst. I made a suggestion to her about brushing her teeth longer...singing a song, etc...and she blew up, screaming at me. Later that night she tells me I made it sound like she had to do it. This tells me only her age and body have changed over the years. All of these things have been brewing. Her sense of reality is so far off the radar....there is no radar. It's all making me crazy. She has started slamming the doors harder and throwing things...this is where I draw the line. That being said....I know she has no where else to go and I cannot throw her out. But if she continues on this distructive path...she will have to go somewhere.

So...I have some calls into people to help me get some more immediate help for her. In the meantime....

I feel like screaming.

Peace

The Danger of Doing Good, Part 2

Okay here I am still ranting...and I do have a point to all of this ridiculousness. As you shall see.
In part 1, I discussed what has happened when money, family and disabilities co-exist. Now, this is not always the case. There are some lucky folks that have wonderful families who genuinely care for them. Such is the case of another one of my clients, who has Down's Syndrome and is very high functioning. Her sister is the most caring person in the world and any money my client pays her for things goes back into a special fund specifically for my client. That is not the norm, however.

So back to "Jake". Everything with Jake has been a struggle. I've caught him lying to me several times. I treat him like the adult he is...otherwise, what is the point of it all. His sister Kimm(how can you trust someone with 2 Ms?) has continually talked about how Jake should not have any spending money. So now Jake is about to move to a much better apartment through HUD. Kimm promised him (and me too) that she would write the 30 day notice to the landlord and help Jake pack. All of these things, she did not do. Now it is clearly not my responsibility to help Jake do these things as it does not fall into the area I am contracted to help him with. I stretched it though when I offered to help him on my day off(though I did clock in and intend to get paid for it). This was on 7/14. I wrote the notice as I knew Kimm would not get around to it. And she also did not get around to helping him pack. She was to arrange things for his moving day, which was left to me. I made arrangements and she backed me into a corner asking me when she should meet me to move Jake. To say I was angry is an understatement for sure. But I had to remember it was for Jake. SO yesterday was moving day. SHe was over an hour late and tried to tell me how unclean Jake's apartment was. I told her it was not my job to be his maid. So we moved Jake and I spent another day off working. I will get paid for it...believe that.

Yes, I vent therefore I am.

So the danger of doing good means you are stuck by always doing good. I know I do too much for my clients. I cannot help it, it's who I am. I know I cannot stand by and do nothing when someone like Jake or anyone like my clients needs my help and has no one to help them. Many of the people I've worked with have no one but the people who are paid to be there. You can't help caring for them because they make you realize how important you are.

The Danger of Doing Good

Frustration has seeped into my veins and refuses to let go. I have a different job than most people I know and maybe it is difficult to understand. I have worked with the developmentally disabled(or DD) for 12 years or more and I would not trade a moment of it for all the money in the world. In fact, most often, I enjoy them more than so-called "normal" people. Life is simple to them. Black and white....anything else is hard for them to understand. I have come across this situation in my work life that is nothing less than infuriating.

I have a client whom I will call Jake. I must explain that in my job, our agency is "Payee" for some of the clients, meaning that we are in charge of their checking account and assist them in paying bills. Last year, long before Jake was my client, our agency was NOT his payee, but one of my co-workers at the time worked with him on paying his bills, cooking skills and grocery shopping. During this time, Jake was going to receive a back payment from social security. $11,000. Jake, at the time, was his own guardian. Enter the sister from HELL. I shall call her Kimm(as it is her real name and I loathe her). In an instant, she went to court and got herself in charge of this money and Jake. It was called a conservatorship and she is now his guardian. Oh she spent a little of the money on Jake but suddenly, the rest is gone. Jake's worker(my coworker) asked Kimm about the money as Jake needed some clothes. Kimm tells my coworker, "don't ask me about that money." Then, when I took Jake over, Kimm tells me she's started a new photography business. Intriguing, isn't it? Now it has been stated that legally, Kimm is accountable for this money and how it was spent. Jake lived in a dump of an apartment and was living pathetically. Jake is an adult and perfectly capable of cleaning, though he does have cerebal palsy..a mild form but he is unstable when he walks. Kimm in the meantime has complained because she wants Jake to pay certain bills that SHE came up with and did not inform anyone. 1) Make payments on a BURIAL PLAN she began to make payments on
2) Renter's Insurance(a $20,000) policy she started "for" Jake
3) Pay the lawyer bill for becoming his guardian

Jake does not owe these bills. Jake had money to pay for these outright.
I do not understand how family members take advantage the way they do....when there is money involved, it is amazing what happens. I love money...because I don't have it. What's right is right and what's wrong is pure evil.

Coming soon: The Danger of Doing Good prt 2