My stepmother was the first of my family members to come around and I will always love her for that. She sent me a big box of baby clothes and anything I'd need for the baby. People seemed to be coming around. Even friends of my grandmother didn't understand why she was so indifferent. But my mother...another story altogether. I've had a tumultous relationship with my mother, at best. But during my pregnancy, she appeared to be the most loving mother ever. She lived 3 hours away...she'd send me letters and had come up a couple times to see my grandmother. But all of that changed once I made my decision. I never heard from her and after awhile, I thought that maybe I should go see her and she surely couldn't deny the baby if she saw her face to face. After all, it was her only grandchild(and still is). But I was wrong. Brittany was 2 months old when I took the bus to go see my mother. Apparently, she had written a letter that I hadn't received yet. She came to the door and told me, "What are you doing here? Didn't you get my letter?"
I said, "No, I didn't".
SHe says, "Well, I don't want to see you or that baby."
Shocked, I said, "Why not? She's your grandchild, no matter what you think of me."
She said, "If I see her, I'm going to want to see her all the time."
I said, "Well isn't that the point?"
"Still, I don't want to see either one of you...and I will never change my mind. You made your decision and I've made mine. Goodbye." And slam went the door. I have only seen her once since then, when Brittany and I were on a bus going to the same city to visit a friend of mine. In some crazy coincidence, my mother was on that same bus....I sat behind her. Brittany was maybe a year or so old. I tapped her on the shoulder, "What are you doing here?"
I said, "Visiting some friends."
She turned back around and as soon as there was room, she moved to the front of the bus. I did catch her watching us every now and then, so I made sure I readly loudly to Brittany. But she was true to her word, she has never changed her mind. Though I think over the years, her curiosity has gotten to her.
After some prodding from my friend, whose parents I was living with...I enrolled in College, at Iowa State University. I was surprised at the various programs I qualified for. I went on public aid to help support us while I went to school full time....it was not easy, not at all. I started that fall of 1989, when Brittany was 5 months old. I'm not sure I would have the energy now and now that I look back on that time, it seems a blur. I wanted to study Social Work as I was inspired by the 2 social workers that helped me in the hospital. So I worked and studied and took care of my baby. She really was a good baby. Somewhere after she was 1 1/2 or 2, I noticed that Brittany was really behind in her "milestones". She wasn't walking or even trying to....she didn't really walk until maybe a year and a half. I talked to the pediatrician, he said the usual, "Kids grow at their own pace. Things will pick up." She hit the terrible twos, but then it lingered on and on into her threes. This was the time when I really noticed the behaviors. Spanking did not work...she looked at me with this look in her eye like, "How dare you spank ME!" So I didn't spank her very long...I knew I had to figure something out. I tried time outs. Once I watched her in such a rage, at 3 years old...it was almost surreal. I didn't understand where it all came from. Between 3 and 4 was when I came out to myself and dealing with her behaviors and attempting to go to school. It would take me 3 hours sometimes to get her to bed...she would scream and cry, get out of bed to defy me. I couldn't even take a shower as I'd have to lock her in the bathroom with me...then once she could unlock the door, she'd escape and I'd have to stop, get dressed and look for her. Yes, she was out the door. People would always see me looking for her, and I am sure it looked like I was neglectful. I was turned into DFS(family services) for neglect at this time. To this day I believe it was my first gf's ex for spite. Someone came and talked to me, "Do you watch her at all when she goes outside?" Gee, no, I hadn't thought of that! Two weeks later, I received a notice in the mail, that the evidence was founded for "Denial of Critical Care." Never heard from them again. Like they were really concerned. During this time, as I will never forget it...I woke up one morning to see Brittany standing over me....watching me with this glazed look in her eye. That has always scared me when I think of it. I decided it was time, due to my stress level, to talk to the Dr. During the exam, Brittany could not sit still, getting into everything in the room. He told me, normally they would do testing, but it was obvious she had ADHD(Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder) and prescribed Ritalin. Sorry Mr. Cruise, but sometimes it works. I was so thrilled that someone could name this. Ritalin worked wonderfully then....she could focus and she was not doped up like some people think. But without the medicine, she was truly unmanageable. She would throw herself down in the middle of a busy street, refusing to get up, she would take off to the quick shop in an instant and start eating the candy from the open bins there. The only time I've dealt with the police is because of Brittany. It was hard to believe that this was the baby I fought so hard to keep with me....there had to be some big master plan for giving me this to deal with.
part 6 coming
Monday, September 12, 2011
Repost Brittany The Beginning...part 4
In Iowa in 1989, anyway, a woman had 96 hours to change her mind AFTER the papers were signed. I've found in other states, this is not true. So, once I left the hospital, my mind was a shambles. I had everything figured out and now it was complete chaos. My family...my grandmothers(both of them) and everyone else who stated they loved me, cared about me...didn't seem to REALLY care what I wanted. But in retrospect, I allowed it to happen. Comments were made, like it really wasn't a big deal to give up your baby...so what, life goes on, right? I didn't see how it could.
Then I got a phone call from my cousin...someone whom I've never really gotten along with, but we were pregnant at the same time. She asked me if I wanted the baby. I wasn't really sure what to answer. Did I? She said, "you don't know what could happen...you could get married one day, have a different life and the baby could grow to hate you for not trying." I thought about that long and hard. I didn't sleep much, eat much...it was on my mind and something inside of me was growing stronger. Suddenly, there was no other answer.
The next day, I began making phone calls, finding out information....what my first steps were. I contacted the lawyer I'd switched over to and told him I wanted to revoke the papers. I was doing all of this in secret because I was still living with my grandmother and I knew once she found out my plans, it would not be pretty. And I couldn't have been more right. My grandmother ranted and raved...uh mostly ranting. No one in my family spoke with me...you'd think I had the plague or something. I ended up moving next door with the neighbor's as a good friend of mine lived there with her parents, who were also friendly with my grandmother...that is, until they took me in. My grandmother wouldn't speak to me.
I picked up my daughter from the foster home and began my life along with hers.
But that's just the beginning...
Then I got a phone call from my cousin...someone whom I've never really gotten along with, but we were pregnant at the same time. She asked me if I wanted the baby. I wasn't really sure what to answer. Did I? She said, "you don't know what could happen...you could get married one day, have a different life and the baby could grow to hate you for not trying." I thought about that long and hard. I didn't sleep much, eat much...it was on my mind and something inside of me was growing stronger. Suddenly, there was no other answer.
The next day, I began making phone calls, finding out information....what my first steps were. I contacted the lawyer I'd switched over to and told him I wanted to revoke the papers. I was doing all of this in secret because I was still living with my grandmother and I knew once she found out my plans, it would not be pretty. And I couldn't have been more right. My grandmother ranted and raved...uh mostly ranting. No one in my family spoke with me...you'd think I had the plague or something. I ended up moving next door with the neighbor's as a good friend of mine lived there with her parents, who were also friendly with my grandmother...that is, until they took me in. My grandmother wouldn't speak to me.
I picked up my daughter from the foster home and began my life along with hers.
But that's just the beginning...
Repost Part 3
It was a Tuesday morning when everything changed. The baby's lawyer had arrived from Eagle Grove, Iowa...a place I've never been, nor do I know exactly where it is. I was in an even lesser known town of Marshalltown. It was then that he informed me, "There's been a little problem..." Now when someone tells you that, you know it ain't "little". "The adoptive parents have dropped out of the adoption."
WHAT?
"Why?" I ask him.
"It appears the baby has a heart murmur and the parents are concerned for her health. The doctor tried to talk them down, but that was there decision."
Everything was set up, everything in place. Now what? What in the world would I do now?
Oh, but the lawyer had an idea.
"Why don't you just take her home and try it out for a bit. See what happens."
WHAT? I began to think this guy had a used car business on the side. "She is not a used car for God's sake. If I take her home, I ain't bringin her back!" The lawyer left when my hospital phone rang. It was my grandmother, the one I lived with to that point. I explained to her what was happening. She immediately barked, "You cannot bring that baby home!" I attempted to calm her down, telling her I had not made any decision yet. I had just finished with that conversation and hung up with my grandmother and my phone rang again. It was Debbi.
"Are the lawyers there?" She asks.
"Yes, well they just left."
"Dammit," she says. "I wanted to talk to you before they did." That is when she explained everything and my heart went out to her as she cried through the phone. She told me that she had had a heart murmur, a bad one...a hole in her heart that never healed, which was why she couldn't have a baby herself. She grew up going to dr after dr and she didn't want that for the baby....it was too uncertain. They'd been up all night, thinking of everything, talking, crying and finally decided they just couldn't do it. She asked me what I was going to do. I said I didn't know, but if they weren't going to raise her, I didn't want anyone else but me. She asked me how and of course, I didn't know. I've never talked to Debbi again, though she said to keep in touch.
After hanging up, I felt a strange energy around me...there was a reason this happened. I wasn't supposed to go through with the adoption. Call it fate, karma, whatever....this was my chance. I remember my grandmother saying, "If it were fate, you'd have a job!" I had to laugh at that logic. Fate doesn't care if you have a job. Oh I didn't have any answers. No one in the family wanted me to have this baby.
Then the lawyer came back to say what would happen now. He stated that since I was to leave the hospital that day, the baby had to have somewhere to go. The hospital was gracious enough to let her stay for one more night while a temporary foster home was set up. The lawyer also stated that if I were to go with another couple, he would have to drop out, due to a conflict of interest. So I went home to a mass of people calling me, telling me they knew of a friend, family member or a friend of a friend's cousin who wanted to adopt a newborn little girl. I couldn't focus on those things. I made some calls, found another lawyer in the next day, who in turn, found a farm couple in Minnesota who wanted a baby. Of course, I was being told by my family that there was no way I was mature enough to raise a baby. So I let them tell me what to do one more time. I wanted to do what was best for the baby. Give her a home that I couldn't provide.
So the next day, I went back to the hospital to sign papers signing away my parental rights to this child. The nurses let me hold her one last time to say goodbye. If I ever had a heart, it died that day for sure. I held her, cried, tried to tell her what I needed to....hoping somehow she could hear me. Then I left her there in that hospital.
WHAT?
"Why?" I ask him.
"It appears the baby has a heart murmur and the parents are concerned for her health. The doctor tried to talk them down, but that was there decision."
Everything was set up, everything in place. Now what? What in the world would I do now?
Oh, but the lawyer had an idea.
"Why don't you just take her home and try it out for a bit. See what happens."
WHAT? I began to think this guy had a used car business on the side. "She is not a used car for God's sake. If I take her home, I ain't bringin her back!" The lawyer left when my hospital phone rang. It was my grandmother, the one I lived with to that point. I explained to her what was happening. She immediately barked, "You cannot bring that baby home!" I attempted to calm her down, telling her I had not made any decision yet. I had just finished with that conversation and hung up with my grandmother and my phone rang again. It was Debbi.
"Are the lawyers there?" She asks.
"Yes, well they just left."
"Dammit," she says. "I wanted to talk to you before they did." That is when she explained everything and my heart went out to her as she cried through the phone. She told me that she had had a heart murmur, a bad one...a hole in her heart that never healed, which was why she couldn't have a baby herself. She grew up going to dr after dr and she didn't want that for the baby....it was too uncertain. They'd been up all night, thinking of everything, talking, crying and finally decided they just couldn't do it. She asked me what I was going to do. I said I didn't know, but if they weren't going to raise her, I didn't want anyone else but me. She asked me how and of course, I didn't know. I've never talked to Debbi again, though she said to keep in touch.
After hanging up, I felt a strange energy around me...there was a reason this happened. I wasn't supposed to go through with the adoption. Call it fate, karma, whatever....this was my chance. I remember my grandmother saying, "If it were fate, you'd have a job!" I had to laugh at that logic. Fate doesn't care if you have a job. Oh I didn't have any answers. No one in the family wanted me to have this baby.
Then the lawyer came back to say what would happen now. He stated that since I was to leave the hospital that day, the baby had to have somewhere to go. The hospital was gracious enough to let her stay for one more night while a temporary foster home was set up. The lawyer also stated that if I were to go with another couple, he would have to drop out, due to a conflict of interest. So I went home to a mass of people calling me, telling me they knew of a friend, family member or a friend of a friend's cousin who wanted to adopt a newborn little girl. I couldn't focus on those things. I made some calls, found another lawyer in the next day, who in turn, found a farm couple in Minnesota who wanted a baby. Of course, I was being told by my family that there was no way I was mature enough to raise a baby. So I let them tell me what to do one more time. I wanted to do what was best for the baby. Give her a home that I couldn't provide.
So the next day, I went back to the hospital to sign papers signing away my parental rights to this child. The nurses let me hold her one last time to say goodbye. If I ever had a heart, it died that day for sure. I held her, cried, tried to tell her what I needed to....hoping somehow she could hear me. Then I left her there in that hospital.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Brittany-repost part 2
Life was interesting after making this decision and feeling comfortable with it. At the time, I'd been living in a dumpy apartment and then my grandmother offered for me to move in with her until after the baby and I got on my feet...so to speak. I spent the next few months talking with Debbi and John and getting to know them. I began to feel so close to them, like they were my best friends and I was giving this gift to them. This made me feel more at peace with the decision somehow. Like I couldn't let them down. Debbi and John were paying my rent and medical expenses during this time. I never realized how much red tape there is for an adoption. The parents had a lawyer, the baby had a lawyer and things had to be set up for when the baby was born.
As the months passed so slowly by, I just wanted it to be over. I had spent the first 4 months of my pregnancy in the bathroom with morning, noon and night sickness, as I called it. I spent more time in the bathroom throwing up than doing anything else. I lost 25 pounds and some people didn't even believe I was pregnant. Like I would make it up....oh yah, people do do that, don't they? Not me...I swore I'd always remember how awful I felt and let that be a lesson. I guess I was 7 1/2 months along when I took Lamaze classes. I enjoyed that but it also told me that my time was limited.
Then the time came. I was 2 weeks overdue in March, 1989. Finally the dr said I needed to be delivered. Suddenly, all the time I'd been waiting and wishing to end, was here....but now I wanted more time. I went to the hospital and was attached to monitors and people poking and prodding me. I'd just come from the Drs office where they'd done a pelvic exam and the baby had not dropped at all, so that exam was painful. Here I was in the labor room now, with a strong hefty woman putting a catheter inside of me. I thought if one more person tells me to relax...oh she did it, she told me to relax. I shouted, "You know, I'd like to stick my hand clear up to my elbow up that Drs ass and tell him to RELAX!" The nurse, laughed, "Hmm are we a tad bit hostile today?" Ya think?
Anyway, I had been asked whether I wanted to see the baby and hold her. I'd been told it wasn't a good idea for me to hold the baby, but I at least wanted to see her. So Brittany was born at 1:45pm on March 17, 1989, a friday....yes, St. Patty's day...by C-Section. I had learned that the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around her neck and had I been insistant on having a natural childbirth, one of us would not have made it. I'd had no labor pains of any kind, nothing. But Brittany turned out to be over 10 lbs. I believe the cord around her neck was the cause of her later disabilities.
That first day after her birth was somewhat of a blur, as the drugs began to wear off. I received flowers and phone calls from Debbi and John. The next day, I decided to hold her. My thinking was that because I was truly going to go through with this adoption, it would be the only chance I had to hold my daughter. Of course, the nurses were against it, but I had every intention of following through, no matter how difficult it was.
The day after that, Sunday, I realized I had not heard from Debbi and John for awhile. I immediately thought something was wrong. Monday comes along, and still no word from anyone. Then Tuesday came, the day I was to get out of the hospital. Everything happens for a reason, as part of a big complicated plan, we know nothing about. I will forever believe this to be true.
Next:part3
As the months passed so slowly by, I just wanted it to be over. I had spent the first 4 months of my pregnancy in the bathroom with morning, noon and night sickness, as I called it. I spent more time in the bathroom throwing up than doing anything else. I lost 25 pounds and some people didn't even believe I was pregnant. Like I would make it up....oh yah, people do do that, don't they? Not me...I swore I'd always remember how awful I felt and let that be a lesson. I guess I was 7 1/2 months along when I took Lamaze classes. I enjoyed that but it also told me that my time was limited.
Then the time came. I was 2 weeks overdue in March, 1989. Finally the dr said I needed to be delivered. Suddenly, all the time I'd been waiting and wishing to end, was here....but now I wanted more time. I went to the hospital and was attached to monitors and people poking and prodding me. I'd just come from the Drs office where they'd done a pelvic exam and the baby had not dropped at all, so that exam was painful. Here I was in the labor room now, with a strong hefty woman putting a catheter inside of me. I thought if one more person tells me to relax...oh she did it, she told me to relax. I shouted, "You know, I'd like to stick my hand clear up to my elbow up that Drs ass and tell him to RELAX!" The nurse, laughed, "Hmm are we a tad bit hostile today?" Ya think?
Anyway, I had been asked whether I wanted to see the baby and hold her. I'd been told it wasn't a good idea for me to hold the baby, but I at least wanted to see her. So Brittany was born at 1:45pm on March 17, 1989, a friday....yes, St. Patty's day...by C-Section. I had learned that the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around her neck and had I been insistant on having a natural childbirth, one of us would not have made it. I'd had no labor pains of any kind, nothing. But Brittany turned out to be over 10 lbs. I believe the cord around her neck was the cause of her later disabilities.
That first day after her birth was somewhat of a blur, as the drugs began to wear off. I received flowers and phone calls from Debbi and John. The next day, I decided to hold her. My thinking was that because I was truly going to go through with this adoption, it would be the only chance I had to hold my daughter. Of course, the nurses were against it, but I had every intention of following through, no matter how difficult it was.
The day after that, Sunday, I realized I had not heard from Debbi and John for awhile. I immediately thought something was wrong. Monday comes along, and still no word from anyone. Then Tuesday came, the day I was to get out of the hospital. Everything happens for a reason, as part of a big complicated plan, we know nothing about. I will forever believe this to be true.
Next:part3
RePOST Brittany's Struggles part 1
This is a repost as I feel since things have gone so far awry with my daughter, wanted to remind myself of where I've been.
BRITTANY'S STRUGGLES part 1
Brittany's struggle began probably from when she was born and I am proud to say she has done so well in the past few years. I have to admit, this might not have been the case had I not made the ultimate of sacrifices.
I was 23 and pregnant by a man(I use the term loosely) who when I informed him of his impending fatherhood, stated that he was already married with 2 children. Hmm. I guess to me, it was a blessing. I'd had no relationship with this man. Yes, I never questioned my sexuality at the time, but knew I was looking for something...a brick to fall on my head, something that would just excite me. Then I would know what everyone was talking about. I knew this man, like all the others, was not it. But now I had to face it and make life altering decisions. The thought of having a life inside me, was thrilling...I had a chance to make something happen. Enter the family....
I was living and working for a man that was my best friend inside and out. He'd known me since I was 19. His name was Tony, an older gay man who took care of his elderly mother. I was living in a room in the back of his house, taking care of his mother while he worked. This is where I met Brittany's father, whose name also happened to be Tony. I'll call him TonyS. He made the moves on me one afternoon while I was steadily involved with some wine coolers. TonyS and I worked in shifts taking care of Tony's mother. Confusing?
My family consisted of both my grandmothers who lived there in town. Both of my grandfathers had died earlier that year. All of my family was not happy about the news, of course, because I was not married and it looked bad. This was 1988...not the 50s. Though on my father's side, everyone had been divorced more than once, my aunt would end up to be divorced 3 times and my father is on his 3rd marriage. So glad that doesn't look bad. My father's mother, Millie, I was closest to. She was not thrilled to say the least. Neither was my father and stepmother. I wrote a letter to my mother telling her the news. She wrote back saying I should get an abortion as "that baby didn't ask to be born." I thought, what baby does? I didn't believe in abortions for something I did all on my own. I still don't. No one in my family spoke to me for quite awhile. Until my stepmother talked to me about what my plans were. It had tortured my mind, but inside I had planned to keep the baby. She showed me what a struggle it would be and talked to me about adoption. So after much thought, deliberation and weighing out the good and bad...I decided she was right. I went looking for someone to adopt my baby.
Searching through the paper, I found an ad from a couple looking to adopt. So I wrote and called. I found a couple. All I still know about them to this day is that their names were Debbi and John and they lived around White Plains, New York. John was a vice president of a bank and Debbi was in some kind of marketing/advertising. They'd been married for 10 years. They called me and I felt an instant connection to them, especially Debbi. A few times of talking, they decided to go with me, compared to others who had called/written. Debbi told me later that the other women/girls had some kind of drug background.
Of course, once I announced this decision, everyone in my family was happy. Suddenly, they were all so proud of me. It taught me that if you do what they want, they love you. And so, I had decided to give my baby up for adoption.
Coming soon....Part 2
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Dustin Off The Cobwebs
Cobwebs are abundant, but it's cleaning season, right? Much has happened I think since I last wrote and don't recall when that was, but here I am.
Have to talk about the good news. I may FINALLY be getting my novel published! Oh I cannot wait to hear something positive. Editing was a tedious process, but I did learn that I can do this. I let it go too long(over a year!) because I think it all was so overwhelming that I didn't know where to begin, but once I started, it went well! I went through it 3 times and finally sent it back in to my agent. So now it is in the marketing stages. I am supposed to get an update every 30 days. The first update is due Sept 12th, so I am anxious to hear what they say. So I am at work on my next novel and it is kind of exciting making up new characters! Everything is happy...I have never been happier in so many aspects of my life...and then there is the Brittany. *SIGH*
Where do I begin? My daughter has cut me out of her life and I have to say for the sake of my sanity, it is probably for the best. I've written my struggle with her growing up and the struggle has continued and deepened into her adulthood. I think this is because the issues are the same only in an older body. There isn't a sense of consequences for her actions or her words. There never has been, no matter what I have tried. As an adult, I have backed off of her so that she would learn to do things on her own. She does not think ahead and is perfectly happy letting someone else take care of her. When there are outside influences telling her how she should feel, there are no filters for her to say "no, I don't feel that way, I feel this way." It is usually, "Oh yes, that's how I feel. You are right." She is a master manipulator and a master at allowing herself to be manipulated. How can I compete with this? I cannot. I don't want to.
This all began when she was at my house doing laundry with her boyfriend and lost her temper breaking her laptop(that she bought) bending the screen backwards. Nice, eh? So she took off outside and everyone thought she would be back after she cooled off. She never returned and her boyfriend was worried about her. No call no nothing. What started off as a cooling off period turned into "I can't stand my boyfriend and I am breaking up with him." She didn't have the balls to tell him that either. She thought it was all funny as she scurried off to these crazy ass people where she used to live. The woman is an ex boyfriend's mother whom she now calls MOM. The woman kicked her out of her house around memorial day and who did Brittany turn to...? That's right. ME. I wasn't allowing her back in my house and I am sure she played this up to people about what a shitty mother I was by not allowing her back. So now suddenly they are all chummy. I was so angry at Brittany though she didn't do anything to me this time, but it was the way she treated people, almost in an evil way. I told her I wasn't talking to her, I was so angry. I let it go and then a couple weeks later, she referred to me on facebook as her "Birth Mother". It has declined since then.
I found her father on facebook and told her to look him up. She took all of the credit for that, but fails to realize in 22 years, he has never tried to look for HER. As I predicted, she texted me one day saying she was moving in with him in Des Moines. I say good, he owes her that. And I can also predict the outcome for this. But I have been quiet. Does it matter? nope. Suddenly I am responsible for him all of a sudden not calling her. Okay, sure, like I care enough to do that. I sent him a note giving him INFORMATION about the daughter he knows NOTHING about and what her life has been like. He will always be a creep. She has to find that out for herself.
Then yesterday, I receive a note on facebook from her, a long note might I add, detailing how I have emotionally abused her, was never there for her and only cared about myself and she wishes I would have given her up. I told her I know the game she is playing and "go right ahead and play it". These people she calls her family do NOT understand what she is capable of. I believe she has lied to them, painting me out to be this monster, so she can play the "Poor Brittany" routine who has been horribly wronged. So fine.
So here I am reflecting on things I've done and decisions I've made. Yes, like anyone, I made mistakes, had relationships with people I regret having. That's part of life. Things happen for a reason and as weird as it may sound, I think this has happened to show me that it's time for me to live my own life without her. I never would have thought things would turn out this way, but so it has and I cannot do a thing to fix or change it. I'm tired. Tired of being hurt, disrespected and wondering what kind of bullshit she will try next. She is completely out in left field now, no matter how hard I tried to steer her in the right direction.
Sometimes life sucks and you realize what a gift it is.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Right is Right, Wrong is Pathetic
I remember last year when Iowa made it LEGAL for gays and lesbians to marry, I was amazed, shocked and glorified. Of course, I was skeptical because I knew what power the hate mongers have. I knew at some point, Iowa would let me down.
Now, it's not even Iowa that has let me down, it's the people.
I realize that in these times, America has been lost and most likely will not return. Recently, with all of the political signs taking over people's yards, I saw one that I didn't understand. "SAY NO TO ACTIVIST JUDGES". Not realizing what it was about, I went about my business. To my horror, I saw a news piece stating that there were groups forming to try to rid the Iowa Supreme Court of the judges that made the historical decision 1 year ago. WHAT? I could not believe the new low the religious so called "morality" groups have sunk to. Public opinion should never dictate law. That is WHY there are judges, to be impartial and make decisions(here it comes...) BASED ON THE LAW. So every time we disagree with a decision, judges should be cast out? It's so aggravating, it's hard to put into words.
So I have a question for the so-called moral people and STRAIGHT folks. How would you feel if:
Court decision came down that 1) you were not allowed to marry the person you love and had to hide all that you are to your family, your employer and your government 2) You could NOT have any children because there are too many children in this country that cannot be supported(hello DUGGAR family) 3) you cannot serve your country and protect it, because only GAYS can be in the military
Oh gosh, you are a minority! But us as GAYS can beat you up, kill you ONLY because you are different, essentially because you are straight. Oh yes, you have CHOSEN to be straight and can change with the help of God.
I am ranting, it's true. But I know it's worth ranting about. I really thought Obama was going to do good things, but now I realize he is not and has no real intentions of fixing DADT or DOMA. How sad it's the courts that are doing right and our own president is doing wrong by doing nothing.
Welcome to AMERICA.
Rant over til next time :-)
oh yah I am getting married BEFORE it's all over!
Now, it's not even Iowa that has let me down, it's the people.
I realize that in these times, America has been lost and most likely will not return. Recently, with all of the political signs taking over people's yards, I saw one that I didn't understand. "SAY NO TO ACTIVIST JUDGES". Not realizing what it was about, I went about my business. To my horror, I saw a news piece stating that there were groups forming to try to rid the Iowa Supreme Court of the judges that made the historical decision 1 year ago. WHAT? I could not believe the new low the religious so called "morality" groups have sunk to. Public opinion should never dictate law. That is WHY there are judges, to be impartial and make decisions(here it comes...) BASED ON THE LAW. So every time we disagree with a decision, judges should be cast out? It's so aggravating, it's hard to put into words.
So I have a question for the so-called moral people and STRAIGHT folks. How would you feel if:
Court decision came down that 1) you were not allowed to marry the person you love and had to hide all that you are to your family, your employer and your government 2) You could NOT have any children because there are too many children in this country that cannot be supported(hello DUGGAR family) 3) you cannot serve your country and protect it, because only GAYS can be in the military
Oh gosh, you are a minority! But us as GAYS can beat you up, kill you ONLY because you are different, essentially because you are straight. Oh yes, you have CHOSEN to be straight and can change with the help of God.
I am ranting, it's true. But I know it's worth ranting about. I really thought Obama was going to do good things, but now I realize he is not and has no real intentions of fixing DADT or DOMA. How sad it's the courts that are doing right and our own president is doing wrong by doing nothing.
Welcome to AMERICA.
Rant over til next time :-)
oh yah I am getting married BEFORE it's all over!
Friday, September 10, 2010
DO ask and DO Tell
How do you tell someone "don't tell us about your personal life" when they have to listen time and time again about everyone else's personal life? Straight folks do not understand this and never will, through no fault of their own(mostly). I, like most gays and lesbians, have gone through this in the past. Having to hear nasty horrid stories from straight women about their sexual escapades in a work situation. How is that ok? This whole issue...down to gay marriage has NOTHING to do with religion. It has to do with basic human rights. Are we not ALL human?
I do understand people having different views. My journalism teacher in high school used to say "Opinions are like butts, everybody's got one." I think in today's times, people forget about opinions and expect people to apologize for their own opinion. You shouldn't have to apologize for an opinion OR for who you are. We don't expect straight people to be ashamed of who they are or who they love.
Now that it's another anniversary of September 11, it's really PAST time to make things right for all of the military families that are having to go back in the closet and pretend they are honest and truthful for the sake of America. For the military to say that there will be trouble from gays and lesbians in the ranks is ludicrous and part of the homophobia that is so rampant. But why?
I also am reminded about other groups that have been murdered and beaten for the sake of the majority...blacks and native americans. Gee, when are we going to think of each other as human beings here for the same purpose?
I don't expect the repeal of DADT(don't ask don't tell) to pass because the military morons will always find a reason. It is being sabatoged now with a bogus survey that is biased and discriminatory.
But if you ask me, I'll tell you...
Yah I'm gay and I'm glad
I do understand people having different views. My journalism teacher in high school used to say "Opinions are like butts, everybody's got one." I think in today's times, people forget about opinions and expect people to apologize for their own opinion. You shouldn't have to apologize for an opinion OR for who you are. We don't expect straight people to be ashamed of who they are or who they love.
Now that it's another anniversary of September 11, it's really PAST time to make things right for all of the military families that are having to go back in the closet and pretend they are honest and truthful for the sake of America. For the military to say that there will be trouble from gays and lesbians in the ranks is ludicrous and part of the homophobia that is so rampant. But why?
I also am reminded about other groups that have been murdered and beaten for the sake of the majority...blacks and native americans. Gee, when are we going to think of each other as human beings here for the same purpose?
I don't expect the repeal of DADT(don't ask don't tell) to pass because the military morons will always find a reason. It is being sabatoged now with a bogus survey that is biased and discriminatory.
But if you ask me, I'll tell you...
Yah I'm gay and I'm glad
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Unanswered Prayers
It's "Reflective Sunday"....so I must reflect on how my life as a gay woman began over 17 years ago. Unlike others, I never had an inkling that I was gay...though to others, the signs were always there. So yes, I was a late bloomer. All these years later, I understand myself and my struggles so much better.
This past weekend, I saw the woman who started my journey all those years ago. Her name is Teri and I found her again on Facebook. Every once and awhile, I would put her name into the search engine and didn't find anything, but in late January, I found her. It took awhile for her to "friend" me and I feared she didn't want to and I wrote to her to explain what an impact she had on my life...and she did. So she did "friend" me and it was wonderful talking with her again and re-living those times. It was odd to me that she was now with a man and had been for quite some time. How does that happen? I do recall that at the time, she didn't really identify herself as a lesbian, just "in a relationship with another woman". Now I understand what a cop out that is. If you don't identify yourself, you don't have to nail yourself down. I understand it in a way, but for me, realizing that I was gay and that was the reason I never fell in love with a man or even want what I was always told I should want, was life-altering. Straight people do not understand this and never will. They do not have to come to terms with being who they are like gay people do. Let's face it, it IS easier to live life as a straight person. It wasn't easier for me, though I tried to even after Teri, thinking I could be a good enough actress to pull it off. I know lots of people do this every day. Not me.
So Teri was going to be in Iowa this Labor Day weekend and she wanted to see me. Oh I wanted to see her and Friday I saw her. We hugged and talked. Brittany went with me. She didn't remember Teri, as she was only 3. I met Teri's "hubby" as she called him, though they are not married. Very nice man and they appeared to be quite happy with each other. I was struck remembering her in my life when she was my whole world. Teri was mentally ill (anyone can read some of my earlier posts from way back to get the story) and just didn't see me often, unless she wanted something and I was so engrossed in her that I gave her everything. What I wanted most was her time and she couldn't give it to me. We never really had a relationship, but what little we had stayed with me always.
So I am reminded of the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers". The hours and days I spent wishing, hoping and praying I could be with her always...they never came true and things happened that I didn't understand. I was devastated beyond belief, devastated to my very core. For the first time ever in my life, I had a broken heart. After seeing her this weekend, I'm reminded what I have at home. SO grateful that it never worked out because I would not have Cindy and the wonderful life I have. And I am sure, for her too.
I am convinced people cross your path for a reason, even if they don't stay in your life. Teri served her purpose...to show me the truth I had buried deep inside that I never knew existed. So for that, I am forever grateful.
This past weekend, I saw the woman who started my journey all those years ago. Her name is Teri and I found her again on Facebook. Every once and awhile, I would put her name into the search engine and didn't find anything, but in late January, I found her. It took awhile for her to "friend" me and I feared she didn't want to and I wrote to her to explain what an impact she had on my life...and she did. So she did "friend" me and it was wonderful talking with her again and re-living those times. It was odd to me that she was now with a man and had been for quite some time. How does that happen? I do recall that at the time, she didn't really identify herself as a lesbian, just "in a relationship with another woman". Now I understand what a cop out that is. If you don't identify yourself, you don't have to nail yourself down. I understand it in a way, but for me, realizing that I was gay and that was the reason I never fell in love with a man or even want what I was always told I should want, was life-altering. Straight people do not understand this and never will. They do not have to come to terms with being who they are like gay people do. Let's face it, it IS easier to live life as a straight person. It wasn't easier for me, though I tried to even after Teri, thinking I could be a good enough actress to pull it off. I know lots of people do this every day. Not me.
So Teri was going to be in Iowa this Labor Day weekend and she wanted to see me. Oh I wanted to see her and Friday I saw her. We hugged and talked. Brittany went with me. She didn't remember Teri, as she was only 3. I met Teri's "hubby" as she called him, though they are not married. Very nice man and they appeared to be quite happy with each other. I was struck remembering her in my life when she was my whole world. Teri was mentally ill (anyone can read some of my earlier posts from way back to get the story) and just didn't see me often, unless she wanted something and I was so engrossed in her that I gave her everything. What I wanted most was her time and she couldn't give it to me. We never really had a relationship, but what little we had stayed with me always.
So I am reminded of the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers". The hours and days I spent wishing, hoping and praying I could be with her always...they never came true and things happened that I didn't understand. I was devastated beyond belief, devastated to my very core. For the first time ever in my life, I had a broken heart. After seeing her this weekend, I'm reminded what I have at home. SO grateful that it never worked out because I would not have Cindy and the wonderful life I have. And I am sure, for her too.
I am convinced people cross your path for a reason, even if they don't stay in your life. Teri served her purpose...to show me the truth I had buried deep inside that I never knew existed. So for that, I am forever grateful.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
It's Just a WORD
Maybe.
I absolutely LOVE words. Never have I learned this lesson more as when working with my clients. Many times, they take things literally and you are thrown for a loop to come up with something they would understand.
I've thought about words recently in light of the political climate today and more specifically, in regards to Dr. Laura. Granted, I think she is a horrid judgmental woman with an ax to grind. Her use of the "N-word" was pretty disgusting and now I see where she is quitting so "I can say what I want". Really? Thought you did that already. She claims freedom of speech...blah blah blah. Is it freedom of speech to incite hatred and your sense of disgust? It is one thing to speak your opinion but yet another to be so irresponsible that you do not care about the consequences for what you say. I remember when she said that gays were a "biological error". Reeeeaaalllly. Who is she to say what God intended?
It does bring up a powerful argument, however appalling. There are a few words to describe a class of people(minorities) that are equally as disgusting. I think the problem is(as Ms L---I don't give her the distinction of Drhood--alluded to in her rant) that black people call themselves the N-word and hey, shouldn't it be okay for others to call them that too? I guess you'd think so under this argument. I feel this way about other words: "retard", "fag", "Dyke" . The same argument can apply. I am guilty of using "dyke" about myself because in my world it is a positive word. The more I've thought of this debate, the more I realize...if we want others to stop using these words, we as a group (gays, blacks, etc) need to stop using them within our own world. Everyone around me knows I HATE the word "retard"...yet I hear many teenagers and young people using it. If you stop someone from saying it around you, they will have to search for a new word. Like "that's kinda gay". Hell, I've been guilty of that because there are times, let's face it, it fits.
I think it's up to us to change within ourselves before we can expect others to take that step.
Oh yah...and that word TOLERANCE. I hate that too...to me, it means 'I'm just putting up with you because I'm better than you'. So...Ms L....I'm tolerating you.
Peace and Love in abundance :-)
I absolutely LOVE words. Never have I learned this lesson more as when working with my clients. Many times, they take things literally and you are thrown for a loop to come up with something they would understand.
I've thought about words recently in light of the political climate today and more specifically, in regards to Dr. Laura. Granted, I think she is a horrid judgmental woman with an ax to grind. Her use of the "N-word" was pretty disgusting and now I see where she is quitting so "I can say what I want". Really? Thought you did that already. She claims freedom of speech...blah blah blah. Is it freedom of speech to incite hatred and your sense of disgust? It is one thing to speak your opinion but yet another to be so irresponsible that you do not care about the consequences for what you say. I remember when she said that gays were a "biological error". Reeeeaaalllly. Who is she to say what God intended?
It does bring up a powerful argument, however appalling. There are a few words to describe a class of people(minorities) that are equally as disgusting. I think the problem is(as Ms L---I don't give her the distinction of Drhood--alluded to in her rant) that black people call themselves the N-word and hey, shouldn't it be okay for others to call them that too? I guess you'd think so under this argument. I feel this way about other words: "retard", "fag", "Dyke" . The same argument can apply. I am guilty of using "dyke" about myself because in my world it is a positive word. The more I've thought of this debate, the more I realize...if we want others to stop using these words, we as a group (gays, blacks, etc) need to stop using them within our own world. Everyone around me knows I HATE the word "retard"...yet I hear many teenagers and young people using it. If you stop someone from saying it around you, they will have to search for a new word. Like "that's kinda gay". Hell, I've been guilty of that because there are times, let's face it, it fits.
I think it's up to us to change within ourselves before we can expect others to take that step.
Oh yah...and that word TOLERANCE. I hate that too...to me, it means 'I'm just putting up with you because I'm better than you'. So...Ms L....I'm tolerating you.
Peace and Love in abundance :-)
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Sunday Morning Rant and Raves
I noticed the last time I blogged was in March and here it is August now, officially! Turn me over and paint me blue! Let's see if I can find something interesting to say!
In April, Cindy was fired from her job and while most people always say it was THEM that were wrong, in this case, it is really true. What this company was doing has to be against major labor laws. Cindy was working 12-15 hour days and then driving 3 sometimes 4 hours to the next location, get to the hotel sometimes at 1-2am and be up and ready again by 7am. That is just wrong. She was falling asleep at the wheel. That aside, she was fired because one of the asshole Drs did not like her and wanted her gone. Said he didn't like how she did the exams(Cindy worked for a mobile MRI service)...even though many times, she asked people if there was anything she could do differently, do better, etc....no answer. Plus a year before she was written up because she brought a safety issue to their attention...apparently safety doesn't matter as she was told never to bring it up again and then they wrote her up. Personally, I am grateful as they probably saved her life by letting her go. So Cindy is filling in at the hospital where she worked previously...thank God she kept that job on the side as it appears now, she might get a spot back there. Not the most ideal place, but it's a good job.
Brittany has been working fulltime since mid june and may be finally moving out soon! YAY!!! I am doing the happy dance. I got her into this program through the college for young people and they found her the job for the summer and now the little cafe is hiring her permanently! Yes, it's a cafe/bistro that is now going to expand a bit, so she'll be working more. She would not have done this had I not nagged her and told her it was her only choice.
As for me, I've been busy busy. I'm managing a "site"...sort of group home, with 2 young girls there. One of the girls, I worked with at the agency I left last november(see past post on whistleblowing lol) and her parents wanted to get her out of there. Her mom called me up and asked me if I would manage this new place. So I felt honored and Cindy talked me into taking it and I am so grateful I did. I still have 2 other clients plus I just got a call for another potential client. I sure like being independent and not being attached to any agency.
I've been listening to Sirius radio in my car and LOVE LOVE it! I've been listening to Michelangelo Signorile show...gay politics, gotta love it! It has really helped me be more informed here in the midwest. REPEAL DON'T ASK DON'T TELL dammit! I think the government is totally not going to do this, it is obvious by their inaction. Anyhoo, don't get me going on that!
I am going to be an AUNT in October!! First time and I am excited!
I am still seeing my mother, though I've discovered she is doing this in secret and has been for 2 1/2 yrs. My stepfather supposedly does not have a clue. This is just one of those things that I will never understand...why would my mother not be up front with him to say "look this is what I am doing, if you won't sit down and talk about it, it's your problem. It's my daughter and I will see her." Apparently, she's not strong like that. You always think your mother is the strong one and strong willed. I think my mother was with us but she has let people bully her, including her husband of over 32 years...I am sure it stems from my grandmother. So..I still see my mother in restaurants and public places. And I can't call her now that he is retired and she calls me when he is not at home. Why am I always someone's dirty little secret? LMAO I say that because Cindy is not out to her family...but I'm really okay with that but after 5 1/2 yrs if living together, you'd think someone would be questioning....and they probably are! Oh well...life goes on!
This is the life of ME!!!
Peace and Love
In April, Cindy was fired from her job and while most people always say it was THEM that were wrong, in this case, it is really true. What this company was doing has to be against major labor laws. Cindy was working 12-15 hour days and then driving 3 sometimes 4 hours to the next location, get to the hotel sometimes at 1-2am and be up and ready again by 7am. That is just wrong. She was falling asleep at the wheel. That aside, she was fired because one of the asshole Drs did not like her and wanted her gone. Said he didn't like how she did the exams(Cindy worked for a mobile MRI service)...even though many times, she asked people if there was anything she could do differently, do better, etc....no answer. Plus a year before she was written up because she brought a safety issue to their attention...apparently safety doesn't matter as she was told never to bring it up again and then they wrote her up. Personally, I am grateful as they probably saved her life by letting her go. So Cindy is filling in at the hospital where she worked previously...thank God she kept that job on the side as it appears now, she might get a spot back there. Not the most ideal place, but it's a good job.
Brittany has been working fulltime since mid june and may be finally moving out soon! YAY!!! I am doing the happy dance. I got her into this program through the college for young people and they found her the job for the summer and now the little cafe is hiring her permanently! Yes, it's a cafe/bistro that is now going to expand a bit, so she'll be working more. She would not have done this had I not nagged her and told her it was her only choice.
As for me, I've been busy busy. I'm managing a "site"...sort of group home, with 2 young girls there. One of the girls, I worked with at the agency I left last november(see past post on whistleblowing lol) and her parents wanted to get her out of there. Her mom called me up and asked me if I would manage this new place. So I felt honored and Cindy talked me into taking it and I am so grateful I did. I still have 2 other clients plus I just got a call for another potential client. I sure like being independent and not being attached to any agency.
I've been listening to Sirius radio in my car and LOVE LOVE it! I've been listening to Michelangelo Signorile show...gay politics, gotta love it! It has really helped me be more informed here in the midwest. REPEAL DON'T ASK DON'T TELL dammit! I think the government is totally not going to do this, it is obvious by their inaction. Anyhoo, don't get me going on that!
I am going to be an AUNT in October!! First time and I am excited!
I am still seeing my mother, though I've discovered she is doing this in secret and has been for 2 1/2 yrs. My stepfather supposedly does not have a clue. This is just one of those things that I will never understand...why would my mother not be up front with him to say "look this is what I am doing, if you won't sit down and talk about it, it's your problem. It's my daughter and I will see her." Apparently, she's not strong like that. You always think your mother is the strong one and strong willed. I think my mother was with us but she has let people bully her, including her husband of over 32 years...I am sure it stems from my grandmother. So..I still see my mother in restaurants and public places. And I can't call her now that he is retired and she calls me when he is not at home. Why am I always someone's dirty little secret? LMAO I say that because Cindy is not out to her family...but I'm really okay with that but after 5 1/2 yrs if living together, you'd think someone would be questioning....and they probably are! Oh well...life goes on!
This is the life of ME!!!
Peace and Love
Friday, March 19, 2010
Human Rights Gone Wrong...
It's hard to say much against Human Rights, since its importance is so tatamount to our existence. In essence, it's what we are all fighting for. But it's all wrong.
At least in this instance. I've worked for 15 years with developmentally disabled and I can say that I know ALOT about how they function, how they think and what is important to them. I've worked with some that are total care and some that are higher functioning and need guidance to make adult decisions with a somewhat childlike mind. These people are harder to work with because they have a mind of their own and don't think twice about telling you. As I've written in previous entries, I managed a group home with 3 ladies, higher functioning but still required 24 hour supervision. Since I was asked to step down and I quit, the ladies have been transitioning into new staff and a new STUPID way of running the house. The house is actually a duplex and the other side is a group home with 3 other ladies. Soooo, since the other manager was fired(just because she was a psycho bitch from hell), they(management), in their not-so-infinite wisdom, decided to save money by hiring only 1 manager to work both sides. What they have failed to understand is...oh anything about the clients they say they are assisting. I still know what is going on because I have maintained contact with the clients while they are out in the community to help with the transition and because I care for them.
So what's my beef? My beef is in allowing clients "choice" has been detremental to them. I ran into this while I was there. Clients eating junk food all day long, gaining weight like crazy and being told to have their dr put them on a diet but when they won't follow it. "Well we can't force them to follow it." Oh we can't force them to follow rules or clean up after themselves. The point is that if they don't, there will be consequences. Big deal.
There is 1 client who, since I left, has not followed any rules, not cleaned her room(or probably herself too often). She has a boyfriend who they have allowed into her room and a few days ago, they had sex with the door open and one of the other ladies saw the whole thing. Oh, she HAS to leave the door open when he's up there. She has chosen to move out, though her parents will not take her back(yay for them). There is no one there to guide her into adult decisions. I have always treated them like adults and yes, having sex is an adult thing but the way things are handled because of the push for human rights is deplorable. It's all a system and it's a scam. Make money off of these people while pretending to do what's best for them to be productive members of society.
When will we be a society that takes responsibility for the decisions we make?
At least in this instance. I've worked for 15 years with developmentally disabled and I can say that I know ALOT about how they function, how they think and what is important to them. I've worked with some that are total care and some that are higher functioning and need guidance to make adult decisions with a somewhat childlike mind. These people are harder to work with because they have a mind of their own and don't think twice about telling you. As I've written in previous entries, I managed a group home with 3 ladies, higher functioning but still required 24 hour supervision. Since I was asked to step down and I quit, the ladies have been transitioning into new staff and a new STUPID way of running the house. The house is actually a duplex and the other side is a group home with 3 other ladies. Soooo, since the other manager was fired(just because she was a psycho bitch from hell), they(management), in their not-so-infinite wisdom, decided to save money by hiring only 1 manager to work both sides. What they have failed to understand is...oh anything about the clients they say they are assisting. I still know what is going on because I have maintained contact with the clients while they are out in the community to help with the transition and because I care for them.
So what's my beef? My beef is in allowing clients "choice" has been detremental to them. I ran into this while I was there. Clients eating junk food all day long, gaining weight like crazy and being told to have their dr put them on a diet but when they won't follow it. "Well we can't force them to follow it." Oh we can't force them to follow rules or clean up after themselves. The point is that if they don't, there will be consequences. Big deal.
There is 1 client who, since I left, has not followed any rules, not cleaned her room(or probably herself too often). She has a boyfriend who they have allowed into her room and a few days ago, they had sex with the door open and one of the other ladies saw the whole thing. Oh, she HAS to leave the door open when he's up there. She has chosen to move out, though her parents will not take her back(yay for them). There is no one there to guide her into adult decisions. I have always treated them like adults and yes, having sex is an adult thing but the way things are handled because of the push for human rights is deplorable. It's all a system and it's a scam. Make money off of these people while pretending to do what's best for them to be productive members of society.
When will we be a society that takes responsibility for the decisions we make?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
"You Never Know What's Comin' For Ya"
2010. Did we ever think it would get here? When I think of where I've been the last 10 years...I'm grateful to be right where I am. I've spent the past 5 years (woohooo!) with the great love of my life, so for that I will be eternally grateful. I really didn't know what I'd write about, but suddenly I've decided to write about where I've been since 2000.
Y2WTF: I remember Y2K vividly. I was working in Wyoming, managing a group home for developmentally disabled adults. I was invited to a new year's party...not exactly where I wanted to be when the world dissolved. Tick Tock...12:01am...whew, we are FINE! At home, I remember life in turmoil because of Brittany's behaviors. I'd bought a trailer home and at least we were on the outskirts of town. I'd been alone for some time and chose to be that way due to Brittany's issues. The biggest thing in the year 2000: I began writing THE PURSE(more on that later)
2001: This was the year Brittany's behaviors were just out of control. I couldn't live life without turmoil. Hardest year of my life. In April, Brittany went to a youth home in Wyoming. I remember the feeling of peace and the weight of everything lifted off my shoulders upon my return home, without her. I felt guilty for feeling so wonderful. Brittany's struggles were plenty this year. In October, she was kicked out of the youth home and sent to a foster home. 2001 was filled with lots of chaos.
2002: I spent alot of time writing THE PURSE, which was a big ole dose of therapy and kept my time filled. I worked as a night supervisor for the same agency and saw Brittany when I could.
Met a woman Sue and decided it was time to try. Sue was different for sure, but she definitely sparked my interest, even though she was much older. She was from Illinois but moving to Wyoming in a few months.
2003: I got a better job in Cheyenne, WY and moved into an apartment. I loved Cheyenne! I still do...so beautiful, so much to see. I loved meeting new friends and learning a new city!
2004: In the fall, I had Brittany for a visit(older posts regarding this) and she made up a story that I had sexually abused her. For 3 months, I made phone call after phone call. Finally it was dropped. Due to this, I thought it would be better for me to move back home to Iowa. My grandmother needed some help, so the timing was perfect. In November, I started chatting with Cindy online(the rest is HERstory!) I moved to Marshalltown, IA in December, 04.
2005: January 8: I met Cindy in person for the first time. I was in love before we met in person. I was so brazen, I walked into the hotel room, went up to her and kissed her right there!! I have NEVER done that before. She was the one I'd been waiting for my whole life. The one who makes me laugh, doesn't judge me no matter how much of a doofus I'm being...yet the one who gives me a swift kick when I need it. Not to mention her gorgeousness. I'm so lucky. I struggled with what to do...stay with my grandmother or Cindy. It was a tough transition, but my grandmother needed more help than I could give. In June, I moved in with Cindy. I had a couple of different jobs but nothing I was content with.
2006: Found a job in Burlington, IA making less money but it was M-F and I loved it. In June, I took Cindy to meet my Dad and stepmom...they loved her and we ended up staying way longer than we planned because they wanted to take us out for supper! HA! Life was good!
2007: March, Brittany showed up on my doorstep for a visit. She'd turned 18 and the foster parents basically threw her out. She thought she was going back to finish school...they didn't want her coming back but didn't have the BALLS to tell me that. They never sent her clothes, things...nothing. I hope karma comes to bite them in the ass...and I hope it's a motherfucker.
Bless Cindy for her strength and undying love and support...always, but especially during this time. 2007 was also the year I lost 2 close friends, my friend Judy from Wyoming who was like a 2nd mother, but more. She didn't take shit off of anyone! And Julie whom I adored. She was a the sister of Cindy's ex. She loved me because I always gave her shit and was good with the comeback lines. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm at 48. God I miss them both.
2008: May, Brittany graduated! But oh Lordy...it was a struggle, but oh what a day I will never forget. My grandmother June passed away and suddenly, my mother came back into my life after much prodding from me and never giving up no matter how long it took me. After 19 years, getting to know my mother and her me was quite the experience. I also took Cindy to meet her and she loves her too. Did I ever pick the right girl!
2009: What a year. I was promoted at my job and working 2 jobs. The money was great but time was sacrificed with Cindy. Brittany had her own apartment but then lost it. It's a revolving door! In the summer, I reported information that was detrimental to my boss(see older posts) and in November, I was asked to step down. Again, Karma.... In December, I submitted a query for my book THE PURSE to a literary agency and they accepted and are representing me to sell it!
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMIN FOR YA! It could be good or bad or both...but it's one helluva ride!
COME ON 2010.....show me
Let's all have a better year!
Y2WTF: I remember Y2K vividly. I was working in Wyoming, managing a group home for developmentally disabled adults. I was invited to a new year's party...not exactly where I wanted to be when the world dissolved. Tick Tock...12:01am...whew, we are FINE! At home, I remember life in turmoil because of Brittany's behaviors. I'd bought a trailer home and at least we were on the outskirts of town. I'd been alone for some time and chose to be that way due to Brittany's issues. The biggest thing in the year 2000: I began writing THE PURSE(more on that later)
2001: This was the year Brittany's behaviors were just out of control. I couldn't live life without turmoil. Hardest year of my life. In April, Brittany went to a youth home in Wyoming. I remember the feeling of peace and the weight of everything lifted off my shoulders upon my return home, without her. I felt guilty for feeling so wonderful. Brittany's struggles were plenty this year. In October, she was kicked out of the youth home and sent to a foster home. 2001 was filled with lots of chaos.
2002: I spent alot of time writing THE PURSE, which was a big ole dose of therapy and kept my time filled. I worked as a night supervisor for the same agency and saw Brittany when I could.
Met a woman Sue and decided it was time to try. Sue was different for sure, but she definitely sparked my interest, even though she was much older. She was from Illinois but moving to Wyoming in a few months.
2003: I got a better job in Cheyenne, WY and moved into an apartment. I loved Cheyenne! I still do...so beautiful, so much to see. I loved meeting new friends and learning a new city!
2004: In the fall, I had Brittany for a visit(older posts regarding this) and she made up a story that I had sexually abused her. For 3 months, I made phone call after phone call. Finally it was dropped. Due to this, I thought it would be better for me to move back home to Iowa. My grandmother needed some help, so the timing was perfect. In November, I started chatting with Cindy online(the rest is HERstory!) I moved to Marshalltown, IA in December, 04.
2005: January 8: I met Cindy in person for the first time. I was in love before we met in person. I was so brazen, I walked into the hotel room, went up to her and kissed her right there!! I have NEVER done that before. She was the one I'd been waiting for my whole life. The one who makes me laugh, doesn't judge me no matter how much of a doofus I'm being...yet the one who gives me a swift kick when I need it. Not to mention her gorgeousness. I'm so lucky. I struggled with what to do...stay with my grandmother or Cindy. It was a tough transition, but my grandmother needed more help than I could give. In June, I moved in with Cindy. I had a couple of different jobs but nothing I was content with.
2006: Found a job in Burlington, IA making less money but it was M-F and I loved it. In June, I took Cindy to meet my Dad and stepmom...they loved her and we ended up staying way longer than we planned because they wanted to take us out for supper! HA! Life was good!
2007: March, Brittany showed up on my doorstep for a visit. She'd turned 18 and the foster parents basically threw her out. She thought she was going back to finish school...they didn't want her coming back but didn't have the BALLS to tell me that. They never sent her clothes, things...nothing. I hope karma comes to bite them in the ass...and I hope it's a motherfucker.
Bless Cindy for her strength and undying love and support...always, but especially during this time. 2007 was also the year I lost 2 close friends, my friend Judy from Wyoming who was like a 2nd mother, but more. She didn't take shit off of anyone! And Julie whom I adored. She was a the sister of Cindy's ex. She loved me because I always gave her shit and was good with the comeback lines. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm at 48. God I miss them both.
2008: May, Brittany graduated! But oh Lordy...it was a struggle, but oh what a day I will never forget. My grandmother June passed away and suddenly, my mother came back into my life after much prodding from me and never giving up no matter how long it took me. After 19 years, getting to know my mother and her me was quite the experience. I also took Cindy to meet her and she loves her too. Did I ever pick the right girl!
2009: What a year. I was promoted at my job and working 2 jobs. The money was great but time was sacrificed with Cindy. Brittany had her own apartment but then lost it. It's a revolving door! In the summer, I reported information that was detrimental to my boss(see older posts) and in November, I was asked to step down. Again, Karma.... In December, I submitted a query for my book THE PURSE to a literary agency and they accepted and are representing me to sell it!
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMIN FOR YA! It could be good or bad or both...but it's one helluva ride!
COME ON 2010.....show me
Let's all have a better year!
Saturday, December 05, 2009
The Business of Caring
Changes have been plenty and sometimes I fear I've been lost in the shuffle. Now that the holiday season is amoung us, I have to sit up and take notice. I do this by looking back and reflecting on where I've been, where I am today and where I want to be. Sometimes these things are the same or overlap.
November 10, 2009, I was asked to step down from my position of "lead Staff" of the house I managed with 3 young women who are developmentally disabled...but higher functioning. To anyone who has read my not-so-recent blogs regarding my "whistleblowing activities" is up to speed on this. Granted, I did have some paperwork that was not completed. In the summer, I was written up on this and I corrected it. From then until November 10, there was nothing brought up to me. This being said however, I believe it was early August when I went to the director of the agency to inform him of wrongdoings reported to me by 3 different staff members from the site next door, which also held 3 clients. I was assured that there was a policy on "no retaliation" and yet I know that confidentiality was broken regarding me being the one who did the reporting. I reported this break to my supervisor's boss.
So fast forward to November 10: I was not technically fired...I was offered 2 different positions that were clearly demotions. Parents of the clients even fought for me in protest, which, I have to feel good about. I chose to resign because I could not bring myself to work for these people any longer. They are backstabbing and vindictive and they covered their tracks well so it would not look like what it really was. So, hey...fine. I do have another job as a back up, where I work independently with clients and I am paid through Medicaid, making a lot more money. I knew I had this to back me up and I would have more time to build up more of a client base. I didn't go out yelling and screaming, becoming that disgruntled employee...although I very easily could have taken that route. I requested an exit interview, took in my notes of what I thought was wrong and let it spill out, very calmly and cooly, I might add. Ranting and raving rarely gets your point across. So after almost 4 years, I was finished and grateful for my decision.
My concern is for the clients that get left behind. What has been done to them is unfair. I've been told by higher up people "oh the clients are used to people coming and going in their lives." Bullshit. I do not buy that for a minute, because we, as human beings, full of emotion and in most cases heart(those who actually have one) never get used to people coming and going in our lives. I recognize the impact I've had on the clients I've worked with. No, I am not bragging or blowing my own horn, but I have seen the progress they have made. Once that happens, they feel damn good about doing better and learning from where they've been. So of course, they understand and form bonds with the very people that spend every day with them through the ups and downs. DUH! It sure as hell ain't the so-called supervisors and managers. It's not the supervisors that teach and care about them. What those people care about is money.
Oh yah. It's a business.
In this case, what is cared about what getting rid of someone who "ruffled" too many feathers. I didn't even recognize this at first, but it all fits together nicely for them.
You know, I'm really okay with my decision. What was hard to take was knowing how difficult this has been on the ladies. One client, I shall call her "C", is very sensitive and has an anxiety disorder. She and I had formed a bond and that is what helped her get through. Oh she was so frustrating at times but she ultimately learned that she alone is responsible for her own happiness or sadness. When I learned I was done, I went back to the house to get my things, C just fell into my arms sobbing and sobbing....which made me do the same, of course. I will never forget that scene. My EX supervisor has told C that she cannot talk about me or have any contact with me. It was C's mom who went to bat for me in protest, though it fell on deaf ears. C's mom called me that night in disbelief. So in the interim process, I called the supervisor that I was going to "think" about it, though I never had any intention of it. If the protest worked, then I would go back out of obligation. So when it didn't come about, I resigned officially. But C's mom called me again and we must have talked for a hour and before we hung up, she says, "Oh I love you, girl!" She is a sweet woman and has had a difficult time with her daughter...and if anyone knows about that, I DO! So...C and other clients are being told, still, they cannot have any contact with me. I can understand this in some ways, because it can help them move on. That being said, I feel there is a different way to do this to help the ladies, especially C. I admit, it's not only the ladies that have the bond. Why not take this bond and use it for something good? Why not give them the support of someone who genuinely cares and is not being "paid" to care? So, I've taken another approach and shown up in public places where I know C is. The first time I did this, she saw me and came running into my arms "JULIE!" We talked and talked and she said "you made my day!" So I've told her that I may just show up somewhere now and then to see her. Today, I received a Christmas card from her! Now that made my day. While I was still working there, I brought my new favorite movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" to watch. C loved it and so I always tell C the quote "You never know what's comin' for you." In the card, today she wrote, "you're right, you never know what's coming for you." It touches me so and I have to feel good. Things have changed at the house, the "supervisors" have come in and changed the ladies' routine and done things differently than I did. That was not necessary and they should have had at least something to count on. Now the 21 year old(now 22) called me the other day as I was a bit daring and sent her a birthday card with my number. She called me crying and crying(she's not a crier) about how awful things were now and it didn't feel like home anymore. It is difficult knowing there is nothing I can do except be supportive and give her someone to talk to.
I've learned over the past 15 or so years that I've been doing this how to work with clients. ALOT of humor and goofiness goes a long way and not ordering them to do things. The most important thing is treating them as adults, not children...giving them respect.
Oh yah. It's a business.
Guess what supervisors and managers: You wouldn't have a business if it weren't for THEM.
Peace!
November 10, 2009, I was asked to step down from my position of "lead Staff" of the house I managed with 3 young women who are developmentally disabled...but higher functioning. To anyone who has read my not-so-recent blogs regarding my "whistleblowing activities" is up to speed on this. Granted, I did have some paperwork that was not completed. In the summer, I was written up on this and I corrected it. From then until November 10, there was nothing brought up to me. This being said however, I believe it was early August when I went to the director of the agency to inform him of wrongdoings reported to me by 3 different staff members from the site next door, which also held 3 clients. I was assured that there was a policy on "no retaliation" and yet I know that confidentiality was broken regarding me being the one who did the reporting. I reported this break to my supervisor's boss.
So fast forward to November 10: I was not technically fired...I was offered 2 different positions that were clearly demotions. Parents of the clients even fought for me in protest, which, I have to feel good about. I chose to resign because I could not bring myself to work for these people any longer. They are backstabbing and vindictive and they covered their tracks well so it would not look like what it really was. So, hey...fine. I do have another job as a back up, where I work independently with clients and I am paid through Medicaid, making a lot more money. I knew I had this to back me up and I would have more time to build up more of a client base. I didn't go out yelling and screaming, becoming that disgruntled employee...although I very easily could have taken that route. I requested an exit interview, took in my notes of what I thought was wrong and let it spill out, very calmly and cooly, I might add. Ranting and raving rarely gets your point across. So after almost 4 years, I was finished and grateful for my decision.
My concern is for the clients that get left behind. What has been done to them is unfair. I've been told by higher up people "oh the clients are used to people coming and going in their lives." Bullshit. I do not buy that for a minute, because we, as human beings, full of emotion and in most cases heart(those who actually have one) never get used to people coming and going in our lives. I recognize the impact I've had on the clients I've worked with. No, I am not bragging or blowing my own horn, but I have seen the progress they have made. Once that happens, they feel damn good about doing better and learning from where they've been. So of course, they understand and form bonds with the very people that spend every day with them through the ups and downs. DUH! It sure as hell ain't the so-called supervisors and managers. It's not the supervisors that teach and care about them. What those people care about is money.
Oh yah. It's a business.
In this case, what is cared about what getting rid of someone who "ruffled" too many feathers. I didn't even recognize this at first, but it all fits together nicely for them.
You know, I'm really okay with my decision. What was hard to take was knowing how difficult this has been on the ladies. One client, I shall call her "C", is very sensitive and has an anxiety disorder. She and I had formed a bond and that is what helped her get through. Oh she was so frustrating at times but she ultimately learned that she alone is responsible for her own happiness or sadness. When I learned I was done, I went back to the house to get my things, C just fell into my arms sobbing and sobbing....which made me do the same, of course. I will never forget that scene. My EX supervisor has told C that she cannot talk about me or have any contact with me. It was C's mom who went to bat for me in protest, though it fell on deaf ears. C's mom called me that night in disbelief. So in the interim process, I called the supervisor that I was going to "think" about it, though I never had any intention of it. If the protest worked, then I would go back out of obligation. So when it didn't come about, I resigned officially. But C's mom called me again and we must have talked for a hour and before we hung up, she says, "Oh I love you, girl!" She is a sweet woman and has had a difficult time with her daughter...and if anyone knows about that, I DO! So...C and other clients are being told, still, they cannot have any contact with me. I can understand this in some ways, because it can help them move on. That being said, I feel there is a different way to do this to help the ladies, especially C. I admit, it's not only the ladies that have the bond. Why not take this bond and use it for something good? Why not give them the support of someone who genuinely cares and is not being "paid" to care? So, I've taken another approach and shown up in public places where I know C is. The first time I did this, she saw me and came running into my arms "JULIE!" We talked and talked and she said "you made my day!" So I've told her that I may just show up somewhere now and then to see her. Today, I received a Christmas card from her! Now that made my day. While I was still working there, I brought my new favorite movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" to watch. C loved it and so I always tell C the quote "You never know what's comin' for you." In the card, today she wrote, "you're right, you never know what's coming for you." It touches me so and I have to feel good. Things have changed at the house, the "supervisors" have come in and changed the ladies' routine and done things differently than I did. That was not necessary and they should have had at least something to count on. Now the 21 year old(now 22) called me the other day as I was a bit daring and sent her a birthday card with my number. She called me crying and crying(she's not a crier) about how awful things were now and it didn't feel like home anymore. It is difficult knowing there is nothing I can do except be supportive and give her someone to talk to.
I've learned over the past 15 or so years that I've been doing this how to work with clients. ALOT of humor and goofiness goes a long way and not ordering them to do things. The most important thing is treating them as adults, not children...giving them respect.
Oh yah. It's a business.
Guess what supervisors and managers: You wouldn't have a business if it weren't for THEM.
Peace!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Rewards Better Than The ALMIGHTY dollar
Sorry to both my followers that I've been out so long. There's so much to write about some days, it's hard to decide. Tonight, however, I can't help but write.
Several times per year, an organization named PARTNERS (formerly ARC(association for retarded citizens) ) holds dances for persons with disabilities. Of course, the clients I work with always go and look forward to each event. Back in september, I went to a dance, basically because I was working and all 3 of my clients were going. So I was sitting there watching the clients form the train while the dj played "Locomotion", thinking that my ole fishing buddy Mike would love this. He went to every dance and got his picture in the paper several times, leading the train. In a moment, I looked up and I couldn't believe my eyes! It was MIKE! He came over to me the minute he saw me. "Julie! I'm happy to see you, are you happy to see me? You missed my face didn't you?" Thinking of it now, makes me smile. Mike sat down with me and we talked and caught up on things. He looked good, laughing and smiling and talking about his favorite subject: fishing! Mike asked me to dance several dances and then he told me that his sister brought him. I went to talk to his sister and she hugged me and said she was glad to see me. She also told me "Mike was never better than he was when you worked with him. He sure loves you." It was very sweet and it made me remember just how much Mike got to me and how important and special our "relationship" was and is. To know that he is doing well now did my heart good. His sister said that she has been arguing with her siblings about being there for Mike and this turned out to be a good thing that he was sent somewhere else.
TONIGHT: Tonight was the Halloween Dance. I stopped by after working my 2nd job because I had a feeling Mike might be there. He was and 2 sisters were there. They both smiled when they saw me and Mike asked me to dance so many dances. He's a dancin fool that man! His sister even made his costume (a turtle) which won a prize! Oh it was great seeing him again and he told me he is doing well.
I also ran into a case manager that I worked with when I was a case worker before I was promoted in January. She said, "I thought you left completely! What are you doing now?" So I explained that I was managing a "waiver site" home with 3 clients and was promoted in January. She told me "You were so good. You always had good ideas and you were always great with the clients. I am so glad you are still here. You're so good at what you do and that's why you were promoted." I have to take a moment and feel proud, not just of what I've accomplished, but for all the clients I've worked with. Yah there are times when I wished I would do something else, felt burnt out and done with all of it, but it helps me to know there is some purpose for what I do and maybe it's a good thing to make a difference. It's the teaching part that I love. Not everyone can do it, but those that do must give it all you have.
Otherwise why bother doing anything?
Look for something more valuable than money....it will last longer.
Several times per year, an organization named PARTNERS (formerly ARC(association for retarded citizens) ) holds dances for persons with disabilities. Of course, the clients I work with always go and look forward to each event. Back in september, I went to a dance, basically because I was working and all 3 of my clients were going. So I was sitting there watching the clients form the train while the dj played "Locomotion", thinking that my ole fishing buddy Mike would love this. He went to every dance and got his picture in the paper several times, leading the train. In a moment, I looked up and I couldn't believe my eyes! It was MIKE! He came over to me the minute he saw me. "Julie! I'm happy to see you, are you happy to see me? You missed my face didn't you?" Thinking of it now, makes me smile. Mike sat down with me and we talked and caught up on things. He looked good, laughing and smiling and talking about his favorite subject: fishing! Mike asked me to dance several dances and then he told me that his sister brought him. I went to talk to his sister and she hugged me and said she was glad to see me. She also told me "Mike was never better than he was when you worked with him. He sure loves you." It was very sweet and it made me remember just how much Mike got to me and how important and special our "relationship" was and is. To know that he is doing well now did my heart good. His sister said that she has been arguing with her siblings about being there for Mike and this turned out to be a good thing that he was sent somewhere else.
TONIGHT: Tonight was the Halloween Dance. I stopped by after working my 2nd job because I had a feeling Mike might be there. He was and 2 sisters were there. They both smiled when they saw me and Mike asked me to dance so many dances. He's a dancin fool that man! His sister even made his costume (a turtle) which won a prize! Oh it was great seeing him again and he told me he is doing well.
I also ran into a case manager that I worked with when I was a case worker before I was promoted in January. She said, "I thought you left completely! What are you doing now?" So I explained that I was managing a "waiver site" home with 3 clients and was promoted in January. She told me "You were so good. You always had good ideas and you were always great with the clients. I am so glad you are still here. You're so good at what you do and that's why you were promoted." I have to take a moment and feel proud, not just of what I've accomplished, but for all the clients I've worked with. Yah there are times when I wished I would do something else, felt burnt out and done with all of it, but it helps me to know there is some purpose for what I do and maybe it's a good thing to make a difference. It's the teaching part that I love. Not everyone can do it, but those that do must give it all you have.
Otherwise why bother doing anything?
Look for something more valuable than money....it will last longer.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Lifestyles of the Whistleblowers and the Mess They Leave Behind...
Yah it was me that blew the whistle, though I was only the messenger. I reported what was told to me...though if I would have seen any of it, I'd be the first one to report. My "tangled web" post tells the sordid tale of wrongdoing. So here is an update:
A subsequent investigation was done, people were talked to and alas "nothing substantial" was found. My boss and her "friend", the other lead staff person were suspended while the investigation was going on, but of course they both still have their jobs. I think it was just too long ago that it happened, it was too hard to prove. The effects of this are apparent as changes are being made to prevent it from happening again. So there is some good coming from it. I always believe people will end up hanging themselves...Karma will get you in the end.
Part 2 of this saga is interesting.
Before I was promoted I had a coworker that seemed like a friend, at least while at work. She was promoted also, higher than I was. Since then she has treated me badly, in her tone, her attitude and all around demeanor. Since I reported all of this, she was not to know, it's confidential. A couple days ago, she came to see me for something at work and basically let me know that she KNEW it was me that reported it. There is a "no retaliation" policy at work and she told me that, quite snottily. So I decided to talk to my boss's boss who told me to come to her if I felt anything bad happening from this whole ordeal. She was in shock but said she would take care of this. So then she(my co worker) calls me, ordering me to bring in some paperwork...very nasty.
It's a Peyton Place.
I don't want it to be said that I regret what I did. I am a firm believer in reporting what you think is wrong. If you don't, you are just as guilty. If it's true or not, makes no difference.
Nobody ever got anywhere by being silent.
A subsequent investigation was done, people were talked to and alas "nothing substantial" was found. My boss and her "friend", the other lead staff person were suspended while the investigation was going on, but of course they both still have their jobs. I think it was just too long ago that it happened, it was too hard to prove. The effects of this are apparent as changes are being made to prevent it from happening again. So there is some good coming from it. I always believe people will end up hanging themselves...Karma will get you in the end.
Part 2 of this saga is interesting.
Before I was promoted I had a coworker that seemed like a friend, at least while at work. She was promoted also, higher than I was. Since then she has treated me badly, in her tone, her attitude and all around demeanor. Since I reported all of this, she was not to know, it's confidential. A couple days ago, she came to see me for something at work and basically let me know that she KNEW it was me that reported it. There is a "no retaliation" policy at work and she told me that, quite snottily. So I decided to talk to my boss's boss who told me to come to her if I felt anything bad happening from this whole ordeal. She was in shock but said she would take care of this. So then she(my co worker) calls me, ordering me to bring in some paperwork...very nasty.
It's a Peyton Place.
I don't want it to be said that I regret what I did. I am a firm believer in reporting what you think is wrong. If you don't, you are just as guilty. If it's true or not, makes no difference.
Nobody ever got anywhere by being silent.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Face(Book)ing Your Past
Ahhh Facebook. Isn't it the most wonderful thing? Yes, I succumbed to the pressure of joining god knows how many others on this vast universe of internet go-ers.
Facebook is odd. **GASP** yah, I said it.
I recently found my first boyfriend. Ahh I was 21 and he was 16. If ONLY I knew then what I know now...LOL if HE only knew then what I am guessing he knows now! I say first boyfriend, and he was the first real so-called relationship I had. He has been married twice, has 3 kids, mostly grown now. One of them actually has the same birthdate as Brittany, only a year younger. I think I saw him when Brittany was a baby. It is weird. I think about myself back then....how I could have been stuck with this life...with him. Not that he was bad, but he wasn't all that great. A cheater. He struck up a chat with me on facebook and said "careful what you say. SHE gets on here under my name alot." WHAT? Whatever that's about, I don't care. If his wife only knew she had absolutely nothing to fear from me...the one old girlfriend she should be happy about LOL I saw a picture of his wife and let me just say.....OMG I am sure she is older than he is and maybe there was such slim pickens for him. I dunno. I guess and old girlfriend who turned out to be a flaming lesbian ain't so bad! She has a resemblence to Susan Boyle, although Susan looks MUCH better. In a way, I wish Susan had not gotten a makeover....but I digress.....
One thing that bores me about Facebook PEOPLE is that they want SO damn bad for you to accept them as your "friend" but then they never talk to you again! So I've been deleting those people. Seems like alot of my family is on facebook now. That is pretty interesting....I like having that access.
I don't understand MAFIA WARS that everyone is playing. I don't get FARMVILLE. And what's the point of sending drinks to someone...I want the real thing dammit. Hearts and Hugs...oooh collect them all!
KMAE....look me up, YOU I will always talk to! YAY!
Peace to Everyone!
Facebook is odd. **GASP** yah, I said it.
I recently found my first boyfriend. Ahh I was 21 and he was 16. If ONLY I knew then what I know now...LOL if HE only knew then what I am guessing he knows now! I say first boyfriend, and he was the first real so-called relationship I had. He has been married twice, has 3 kids, mostly grown now. One of them actually has the same birthdate as Brittany, only a year younger. I think I saw him when Brittany was a baby. It is weird. I think about myself back then....how I could have been stuck with this life...with him. Not that he was bad, but he wasn't all that great. A cheater. He struck up a chat with me on facebook and said "careful what you say. SHE gets on here under my name alot." WHAT? Whatever that's about, I don't care. If his wife only knew she had absolutely nothing to fear from me...the one old girlfriend she should be happy about LOL I saw a picture of his wife and let me just say.....OMG I am sure she is older than he is and maybe there was such slim pickens for him. I dunno. I guess and old girlfriend who turned out to be a flaming lesbian ain't so bad! She has a resemblence to Susan Boyle, although Susan looks MUCH better. In a way, I wish Susan had not gotten a makeover....but I digress.....
One thing that bores me about Facebook PEOPLE is that they want SO damn bad for you to accept them as your "friend" but then they never talk to you again! So I've been deleting those people. Seems like alot of my family is on facebook now. That is pretty interesting....I like having that access.
I don't understand MAFIA WARS that everyone is playing. I don't get FARMVILLE. And what's the point of sending drinks to someone...I want the real thing dammit. Hearts and Hugs...oooh collect them all!
KMAE....look me up, YOU I will always talk to! YAY!
Peace to Everyone!
The Tangled Web...
Gosh, it's been quite awhile since I've written. Now I've got a doozy....
I've been working in my chosen field for almost 15 years now, working with developmentally disabled and lord knows how I love those people. I've seen alot....good and bad. It's the good that keeps me coming back. Somehow I always get roped into calling out the people who do the bad.
So recently, I've had 3 different staff members come to me and talk to me about another employee's (and in addition, my boss ) misuse of client money and verbal abuse. How it makes me ill. Of course, these things happened who knows how long ago....within the past year, but they could still be going on. Client's paying for staff's groceries, lunches...god knows what else. Not to mention my boss verbally abusing clients. So I did what I had to do...what others SHOULD have done long ago. I went to the director of the agency and reported it. Like other places, there is a "click" in management that has covered up these things. So I did not follow chain of command. Soon there will be an investigation and who knows what will happen. I am not sure anything can be proven at this late date, but at least people know now, who will do something. Evil is all over...even when people are pretending they are doing good.
I guess that's the most evil of all.....
I've been working in my chosen field for almost 15 years now, working with developmentally disabled and lord knows how I love those people. I've seen alot....good and bad. It's the good that keeps me coming back. Somehow I always get roped into calling out the people who do the bad.
So recently, I've had 3 different staff members come to me and talk to me about another employee's (and in addition, my boss ) misuse of client money and verbal abuse. How it makes me ill. Of course, these things happened who knows how long ago....within the past year, but they could still be going on. Client's paying for staff's groceries, lunches...god knows what else. Not to mention my boss verbally abusing clients. So I did what I had to do...what others SHOULD have done long ago. I went to the director of the agency and reported it. Like other places, there is a "click" in management that has covered up these things. So I did not follow chain of command. Soon there will be an investigation and who knows what will happen. I am not sure anything can be proven at this late date, but at least people know now, who will do something. Evil is all over...even when people are pretending they are doing good.
I guess that's the most evil of all.....
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Mike the Fisherman
I'm taking some time today talk about my favorite fishing buddy. I worked with Mike for 3 years and he was someone I'll never forget. Yes, Mike was developmentally disabled and also autistic. Mike's passion will always be fishing. Mike and I would always talk about fishing...all year round believe it or not. He knew so much about fishing. If someone pulled a fish out of the water, he knew exactly what kind of fish it was. He had all kinds of new sayings I always adopted. He would say "Oh I specks and 'spose everyone will be down at the river." He had a bunch of fishing buddies that he always fished with, they would look out for each other. It was like a 2nd family to Mike and I really understood what drew him down there. I was lucky enough to meet them and they took me in too whenever I would go fishing with Mike.
To work on Mike's and my "relationship" I would pretend I knew nothing about fishing and Mike took on the role of my teacher. It really ignited a spark in him to be showing me how to cast, fix my line and how to "play with the fish before you snag 'em". He even helped me pick out my new fishing pole. Mike and I became quite close. He hugged me a couple of times and people told me they've never seem him show emotion like that. I feel grateful for the time we shared and the progress he made. He would not clean his house and so I suggested that he and I clean together, him doing one room and me doing the other. Pretty soon, he would hurry and clean before he knew I was coming over, to impress me. As soon as I walked in, he would say "What do you think of the kitchen Julie? Doesn't it look nice and clean?" I felt so proud of him.
Time stands still for no one. I made a decision to take this new job, in January. It paid more and had more responsibility. Change is difficult for people like Mike. I tried to ease away from Mike, but it was not easy. He showed up a couple of times at my new job saying "I just missed you Julie." Do they ever know how to rip your heart out. So Mike started going downhill. Mike also has an "impulse" disorder, where he gets angry really fast and has hit people out in the community and though it doesn't happen often, 3 weeks ago, he was about arrested and had to go to court and pay a fine. THese were no kind of consequences for him, which is really what he needed. So I was asked to come back and work with him temporarily, to see if it would help. It didn't happen because he had another incident and on Thursday, he was committed into the psych ward at the hospital, on the day of his sister's funeral. I hurt for Mike and God knows I miss him so much. I found him at the river 1 week ago and we fished for 2-3 hours. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see him. He'd always ask me questions with "isn't that right, Julie?" His humor will always be with me and I hope the best for him...but more than that I feel so blessed that our paths crossed and we were a part of each other's lives.
I know he changed mine.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sunday Rant
Greed is NOT good. I don't care what anyone says, it brings out the darkness in the human soul. Of course, I am convinced, those who enter that darkness have no soul. Oh sure, maybe everyone is a little greedy about money, especially when you don't have any.
I've been without money most of my life. Sure, I always want more money, but I would not take advantage of someone else who has nothing to get it.
I used to have a client, let's call him Harry. Harry is developmentally disabled and probably in his 50s. He has 2 sisters, one lives next door to him and has her moments of greediness toward Harry. One Christmas, she tells Harry if has money left over from buying her gift, that she wants the money. I told Harry, "well guess what? You are spending every penny." It just disgusted me. Harry has another sister who never sees him, ever. In fact, she visits their sister next door, but NEVER sees Harry. Harry spends money buying her kids presents for Christmas. I asked him once when I noticed she was next door, "doesn't she ever come see you?" He says, "no she never does." Fast forward to now. Harry received notice from Social Security that he should have been receiving payments since 1977! Social Security sent Harry over $100,000. SInce our agency is his payee, a lawyer was contacted and much of the money will be put in a medical trust, as he is diabetic. Gee who should suddenly make contact and act like she cares? That's right, the sister from the woodwork. She wants Harry to pay for a vacation for all of them. WTF?
I cannot even continue talking about it...it makes me that angry. I am again convinced that it is MONEY that is the root of ALL evil. It is the very thing that motivates people. Many times that is a good thing and you learn a few lessons along the way of your quest to be rich. I suppose rich people have these issues all the time...people coming out of the woodwork once they know you've got money.
Whenever our time is through...it won't matter how much money, how many possessions or what connections we have.
You can't take it with you.
I've been without money most of my life. Sure, I always want more money, but I would not take advantage of someone else who has nothing to get it.
I used to have a client, let's call him Harry. Harry is developmentally disabled and probably in his 50s. He has 2 sisters, one lives next door to him and has her moments of greediness toward Harry. One Christmas, she tells Harry if has money left over from buying her gift, that she wants the money. I told Harry, "well guess what? You are spending every penny." It just disgusted me. Harry has another sister who never sees him, ever. In fact, she visits their sister next door, but NEVER sees Harry. Harry spends money buying her kids presents for Christmas. I asked him once when I noticed she was next door, "doesn't she ever come see you?" He says, "no she never does." Fast forward to now. Harry received notice from Social Security that he should have been receiving payments since 1977! Social Security sent Harry over $100,000. SInce our agency is his payee, a lawyer was contacted and much of the money will be put in a medical trust, as he is diabetic. Gee who should suddenly make contact and act like she cares? That's right, the sister from the woodwork. She wants Harry to pay for a vacation for all of them. WTF?
I cannot even continue talking about it...it makes me that angry. I am again convinced that it is MONEY that is the root of ALL evil. It is the very thing that motivates people. Many times that is a good thing and you learn a few lessons along the way of your quest to be rich. I suppose rich people have these issues all the time...people coming out of the woodwork once they know you've got money.
Whenever our time is through...it won't matter how much money, how many possessions or what connections we have.
You can't take it with you.
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