Lost Inside My Mind

Good Times

2011-09-14T15:16:00.002-05:00

Things are going well with trying to sell my Novel "The Purse". I am SO excited, I can barely breathe sometimes. It's hard to believe I have actually made it THIS far and all I can think about is when is does get published. It will be a new beginning for me and a dream realized.

It's also at a good time with everything that has happened with Brittany. I can't say I don't think of her, but really, it's mostly in disappoint and anguish. I feel sadness because I know later on, things will happen and she will have to do some soul searching. But I will not be available. Too many times, because I gave birth to her, loved her with all my being, I overlooked things thinking they were part of her and I accepted them. I know in my heart, I did what I had to do putting aside my own pain for the greater good of Brittany. That's what mothers do I guess, though others have a better outcome, I realize I have nothing to feel bad about and I am not about to forgive her or forget. She is an adult and responsible, though no one seems to want to make her realize she is accountable. Just me.

That's Okay...I got it goin' on :-)

Lost Outside My Mind REPOST

2011-09-13T19:31:00.004-05:00

Well here I sit contemplating my life, such as it is...and wondering WHAT THE !@#$$. The majority of my life is so good, it's scary. Of course, that means Cindy. Enter Brittany.

This is an odd stage of her life and mine. Just when you think your child is moving on to another phase...you realize you are responsible for this too. I understand that this is the reason she is here with me...she needs this guidance.

Brittany is out of control. It's only getting worse. How do you reason with someone who is unreasonable and unreachable? Hell if I could answer that question, I'd be richer than I am today. It has come to the point where I cannot even talk to her without some sort of violent outburst. I made a suggestion to her about brushing her teeth longer...singing a song, etc...and she blew up, screaming at me. Later that night she tells me I made it sound like she had to do it. This tells me only her age and body have changed over the years. All of these things have been brewing. Her sense of reality is so far off the radar....there is no radar. It's all making me crazy. She has started slamming the doors harder and throwing things...this is where I draw the line. That being said....I know she has no where else to go and I cannot throw her out. But if she continues on this distructive path...she will have to go somewhere.

So...I have some calls into people to help me get some more immediate help for her. In the meantime....

I feel like screaming.

Upside Down PART 14, REPOST

2011-09-13T19:18:00.000-05:00

Greetings from a place I call UPSIDE DOWNVILLE...population at least 2 working on 3...

Who knew April would be so damn cold and full of life altering decisions. Oh, but I guess most decisions are life altering. It's the extent to which they alter your life that is the point. You may think I am overreacting, but I know that there are major consequences that affect my entire life and that of the woman I love more than anything.

Here it is: I shall try to be shorter this time as I noticed my post from last time was oh so long winded.

Brittany flew here on Friday 3/30. Before this took place, I attempted several times up to the day before, to find out Brittany's exact flight info. All I knew was that she was leaving Salt Lake City @ 4:45pm and getting into St. Louis @ 10pm. No one bothered to tell me anything else. I know that Brittany's foster family (mother) would not want to be treated this way. But, apparently it's okay for me. So Friday morning, I call the foster home at least 5 times...no answer and I left a message. So I keep calling and finally get someone. I believe he is Brittany's foster brother. He says "they" have left already. I assume "they" is the foster mother (S) and Brittany. He tells me he does not know what airline but he will call his mom and ask AND call me back. After 20 minutes, he does not call, so I call AGAIN. He says, "My mom must have her phone off but I called my sister and she knew it was Frontier." It was clear he had no intention of calling me back. So this I could work with, but no one could be bothered to tell me ahead of time. This already set me off.

So Brittany flies in. I did not know if it was a non-stop or there was a connecting flight. Cindy did some searching on the internet and narrowed it down. Brittany calls me from Salt Lake saying the plane was a few minutes late and that she had a layover in Denver. So when Brittany gets here, she has no return flight info. And so begins more phone calls. Brittany called home several times and then I began calling. I was told by Brittany's foster sister that Brittany bought the ticket and no one had any idea what it was or about a return. She also told me that she was attempting to convince her mother NOT to take Brittany back due to her increasingly violent behaviors. Believe me, I understand this...and I told her that but I wanted to know what was going on. Was it YES or NO. She said that she would have her mom call me. So for days afterward, I would call at least twice per day. I finally quit calling last Thursday.
I have found out Brittany only bought a one way ticket and of course the "sister" tells me Brittany meant to do it and it was all her. I do not believe that as Brittany was planning on going back to work Saturday(yesterday).

So now, I have to assume Brittany is moving in. Not to mention that she has another year of school left...and also the rest of this year. I've called the police and they referred me to Family Services so they are trying to figure out what is going on. Now I am left to figure out what to do. I was not expecting this in my lap and not only does it turn my life upside down, it does Cindy's too. She has been a dream, being so supportive of me and of Brittany. I worry about this with Cindy, though...as she is not out to her family and even she does not understand how she will explain it. We have a 2 bedroom house. I offered to move out, though knowing I could never make it financially with the job I have. Though I would try....but Cindy won't hear of it.

Such is life....enjoy what you have when you have it...cuz it can change on a dime.
Peace and hugs

Choices & Changes PART 13 REPOST

2011-09-13T16:03:00.001-05:00

Life was a bit too scary then in the fall of 2004. Brittany's statements to DHS were in early September and I did not find out until mid October. I am puzzled still as to the events. My first instinct was that this was all due to my being gay. She would not have chosen that horrific thing to say, had I been straight. But, to this day, I still believe that she didn't choose it on her own. Maybe it was not intentional, maybe it was...I do not know. I just know Brittany and I know how easily she is led into a conversation...it's part of her disorder, it's why she never understood that she was really lying, she believes it's the truth. I've thought of this scenario ad nauseum in my head....all the foster mom, or anyone would have to say is, "Did something happen with your mom?" Or "Did she hurt you?" But I feel that the foster mom does not approve of my being gay and it has crossed over to Brittany.

My conversation with the DHS director was maddening, to say the least. She asked me what happened, so I told her about the behavior. She didn't believe I did anything and didn't even know IF I was under investigation or not. How could she not know? It seems everything was a mess because Brittany lived in a different county than where this allegedly took place. And in the Cheyenne office, there was a new supervisor/director. The Rock Springs/Green River office couldn't handle it because it was out of their jurisdiction. So she suggested calling the Cheyenne office since they were handling it. I called there almost every day, leaving several messages. Finally, after a few days, I get a return phone call. They don't know who I am or anything about the case. They suggested calling the Cheyenne Police Department to see if a report was filed. Now, wouldn't you think if a report was filed, they would have been knocking down my door? The first detective I talked to knew nothing about anything and referred me to someone else. The case ended up being passed around to 3 different detectives. In mid Novemeber, almost 3 months since this whole thing began, I finally talk to the last detective and he was decent enough to ask me to come down to the station to fill him in because he'd just been handed the case and knew nothing about it. I told him I would be happy to. No one even wanted to talk to me...it was frustrating that I was the one who had to make all these phone calls and push someone to tell me anything. I mean...what if I really had done something? It makes me fear for the children caught in all the red tape of bureaucracy.

Once down at the station, talking to the detective, who was very decent and honest, I decided it was only fair that I tell him everything. I told him Brittany's complete history up to then and where I believe this came from...and yes, I told him I was gay. He was very respectful and understood my concerns and felt I was on the right track after what I told him. He said that he was fairly certain that the case would be dropped, as there was no evidence.

I was leaving for Iowa to visit my grandmother, whose health was failing, both of them, actually. My grandmother(the one I lived with early on) needed someone to be with her. I really grappled with so many things. This whole ordeal bothered me beyond all comprehension. It was just one more thing. I felt betrayed, after everything I've gone through with her and I knew another tough choice was on the horizon.

After my visit with my grandmother, I decided that now was the time to make a move back to Iowa to live with my grandmother. I had decided that if I backed out of Brittany's life, at least for now, she couldn't use me as a weapon. I have felt like I've given her up over and over again...it's that open wound that just keeps getting punctured again and again. For some reason, it's how it's supposed to be. I believe that.

I chose not to contact Brittany and I didn't for the longest time. I wrote her and told her I was moving and I would write her. It was difficult not mentioning anything about the events of the past summer, but I didn't. One of my best friends told me, "Julie, no one would blame you if you just cut those strings. You have been through hell with this kid...you just kept hanging on even when she beats you down. It's okay, you don't have to be the hero."

So I moved back to Iowa and didn't hear from Brittany for the longest time. I contacted the DHS director and told her all that went on. She didn't realize all that had happened and told me it should not have happened that way at all. Gee, really? I told her I was not contacting Brittany on my own, in order to give her space. She agreed that for now, it was a good idea. A couple months later, Brittany called me and we talked and God, how it tugged at me. But things got a little better, I think.

In the interim of moving from Wyoming to Iowa, I met Cindy online....and so another chapter of my life. I was still living with my grandmother(another dramatic story). In May of 2005, I was going to drive out to Wyoming to visit friends and Brittany. Cindy was going to go with me. A couple days before I left, Brittany called me in hysterics at work. She and her foster mom were having a knock down drag out fight. I talked to the foster mom, also. She told me that Brittany became enraged and began hitting her, "assaulting" her, as she put it. She still didn't believe all that was different about Brittany, after all these years. She said she was calling because Brittany was telling her that I was coming out there to take her home to Iowa to live with me. Here we go again. I explained to her that nothing of the sort was happening, nothing like that had ever been talked about. It had started over laundry. Something so simple. I suggested to the foster mom about getting Brittany re-evaluated. She said she did and whomever tested her, evaluated her, stated there was nothing wrong, though she might be a little slow. I think the person who tested her is slow. Brittany must be a modern miracle to go from mild retardation to just fine in a few years. I spent this phone call talking with Brittany, reassuring her that she's done so well living there and I knew how hard it was, and that it was hard on me, too....and sometimes, the hardest things turn out to be the best things we can do. Did that ever break my heart, hearing her cry for me to be with her. Still tears me up. I finally mentioned to her about last summer and what happened and that she cannot tell those stories. I told her how serious that was..how I could have been arrested, lost my job and lost everything. All she said was, "I know, I know."

So, I went to Wyoming and saw her. I generally do not visit her unless someone is with me. I feel like I never know what she will say, who she will say it to. I believe things are better now. I saw her in March for her 17th birthday and it was good, so good. I am concerned about her future because I feel she has been sort of brainwashed by these people in believing she is just like everyone else her age. Clearly, she's not. Not realizing these things could prove dangerous in the future, in the job place. She goes to counseling at school and says it helps her to talk. The guardianship ends when she's 18 but she won't graduate til she's 19...so we will see.

Like I've said, I know in my heart of hearts that this was the plan, in some grand scheme. I've chosen to believe there is a reason for the struggles, the heartbreak, the fighting to get someone to listen to me. It has been my path and it has been hers to carry on, wherever it leads her.

I know there will be more challenges ahead....after going through the past 17 years, I think I can make it through anything.

I hope!

Where To Go, What To Do, PART 12 REPOST

2011-09-13T15:51:00.001-05:00

Things had settled down pretty much over time and Brittany appeared to be doing well. I was bothered, though, by the simple fact that the foster parents really did not believe that Brittany had all these problems. They thought she was a normal teenager. I know that she's not and that's just the cards that were handed to her. It's important to accept the things that just are and not wish they were different. Before I get too far ahead of myself...

Things were going fairly well in 2003, so I had an idea that I would bring Brittany back to Iowa for Christmas. She hadn't seen anyone in the family for at least 6 years. It was a big undertaking because I had to drive to Green River, get Brittany, bring her back to Cheyenne and then drive to Denver to fly out. We did all this and it was a good trip for Brittany and I and she was pretty well behaved. My dad and stepmother were there and I think Brittany had a good time. Until it was time to leave, Brittany had a major blowup. It had been so long since I'd been around that...I'd forgotten how I felt, especially in front of my grandmother and parents...they hadn't seen a whole lot of it. So after we both calmed down my parents drove us to the airport in Des Moines. Apparently, Brittany had what I call "reentry problems" and has had them quite alot. Meaning, problems coping with getting back into her ordinary everyday life. We talked about this before going. It still happened...it's just a natural consequence for Brittany. Life eventually got back to normal. So I thought.

I had noticed over time, that the foster mother's demeanor toward me had changed. She was always cold to me now, barely speaking and I knew something had changed. Brittany decided to tell her that I was gay...without my permission. I explained Brittany that it probably was not a good idea and she should always ask me first. She said, "Oh she's okay with it." When I started to see this change, that was the only thing I could think of for a reason.

Flashforward to 2004: It was summer. Cheyenne, every year has the well known Cheyenne Frontier Days, that is filled with activities, a carnival and fun stuff. I had Brittany for the week and things seemed to be going fine and we had a good time together. Brittany was now well into puberty(which was frightening!) at the age of 15. There was nothing really eventful about the week, no real behaviors, nothing going on. So, when the week was done, I drove her back home. Once we got out of the car, she accidently dropped her bags on the ground....then got mad and had one of her screaming behaviors. This was normal for Brittany, so I just helped her bring her things in, while trying to calm her down. She leaves me in the driveway, running into the house screaming back at me, "Stay away from me!"

Oh great. Nice way to bring her home, I thought. Doesn't that look nice! Well, I get up to the door and the foster mom runs up to Brittany, comforting her, saying "Oh honey, what happened? Are you okay?" Then they both looked at me like I'd shot someone. I'm thinking....this is strange because the foster mom KNOWS about Brittany's manipulations, why would she give into that and assume it was me? I explained to her that nothing happened the whole week and that she'd just dropped her things outside and had a behavior. No big deal. Brittany wouldn't even look at me, say goodbye or anything. So I left, figuring it would all blow over and it wasn't anything to worry about.

Now a week later, I start calling Brittany every friday, as I've always done. The answers I got were, "Oh she's not here;she's asleep;she's out shopping;she's not available right now." This went on for over a month. I knew something was not right...she can't not be home every time I call. Finally, I get angry enough that I was just going to show up to see what the hell was going on. Then my conscience gets me and I decided to call one last time before going. The foster mom gets angry with me and tells me, "You need to call DHS." Then she hangs up on me. WHAT?!
So I spend the next few hours trying to call the director of DHS. Finally, later that afternoon, I get a hold of her. She tells me this....Brittany has told her foster mom and subsequently DHS that while on her visit with me, over a month ago, that I sexually abused her! I about dropped the phone. I couldn't have heard her right. Apparently, she said that I was watching her take a shower and that I barged in her room and "fondled" her. I just could not believe this was happening. The director said, "We've been trying to get a hold of you." I said, "That's interesting because no one has called me." She says, "Well, I told the foster mom to tell you to call me when you called again....but that was over 3 weeks ago." I then explained the past month of phone calls and what really happened. It has baffled me ever since, whenever I think about this. Why didn't DHS call me themselves....and why did they leave it to the foster mom to do THEIR dirty work? Clearly, I don't think they ever took Brittany's accusations seriously...but it was just one more item of proof that Brittany DID have these problems/disorders that the foster family swore she didn't have.

Outcome in the final 13

The Point of No Return, PART 11 REPOST

2011-09-13T14:23:00.001-05:00

The Point of No Return--Part 11

Choices. Was this ever a difficult time in my life. Initially, I was told it was either or...no in between. Then, it was found out, these were not my only choices. There was a different worker in the office, taking over for the regular one who was on maternity leave. Ah DHS...how the BS flows from there.

It had been a few months already that Brittany was with this foster family. The issue of Guardianship came up. I have found out since, if this had all happened in Iowa, where I am now and where I am originally from, things would have turned out differently...and not in a good way. But this was Wyoming and if I signed over guardianship to these people, I would still have my paternal rights. I could see her and spend time with her, have her for visits, etc. I would not have a say so in her day to day life, in a legal sense. I saw no other solution as hard as it was to realize I'd never have her back and these people would be raising her. But at least, I would be in her life. I had prepared myself to give her up, which was so hard to think about. I was suddenly struck by the irony life had presented. Here was the life I fought so hard to keep with me, go against everyone for...and it turns out, I let her go after all. I had to believe this was the best decision. So I did it. Signed the guardianship papers. DHS had to find Brittany's father also, so he could sign also. I had no clue where he was...Brittany had not seen him since she was probably a year old. So he signed them.
During the time of the guardianship, I had moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming...about 4 hours away. I'd found a good job with another agency there and I'd met someone online, who was moving to Cheyenne in a few months, though not to live with me. So I decided it was time for a new start. Brittany was taken care of and I didn't have those worries. I took Brittany to Cheyenne so she could help me look for an apartment and see the town. She loved it and it was good having her here. We talked about the guradianship and she had a difficult time with it at first. We went out to eat and she started worrying about what it all meant. I told her it only meant that the foster family could make decisions about Doctors and school things. I also remember telling her that sometimes people, including moms, have to make really hard decisions about their kids...even when what's best hurts the most. We cried together and remembering it now makes me emotional. Of course, I did what I've always done, try to make her laugh. I told her, "Don't be crying in your lemonade...it waters it down and they'll kick us OUT!" We laughed through our tears and even now she brings up crying in her lemonade.
As she settled in at the foster home, the foster mom talked to me about having her weaned off of her meds. I was against it, but I thought that maybe at the least, she should be reevaluated. Maybe she wasn't on the right meds. No, she didn't think she needed the meds. I just thought...well, have fun! So, they did this and Brittany has not been on any medication since.
I have disagreed with this, even though, for the most part...Brittany has done better through the past 5 years that she's been with them. The problem is, and always has been, that the foster mom has not believed anything was wrong with Brittany, other than being "a little slow". She believes she was misdiagnosed and because I don't have much of a say so, it's been difficult to make them hear what I am saying.
So, I moved to Cheyenne in 2003, I believe and would have Brittany every couple of weeks or so. The drive was horrible so eventually, I would just go to Rock Springs and spend the days at my friend's house and take Brittany out there. This worked out fairly well. Everything went well...until 2004.......

Crazy Daze PART 10, REPOST

2011-09-13T14:15:00.001-05:00

As it turns out, Brittany had attacked one of the workers in a fit. It wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She threw a roll of paper towels at the woman and called her a "bitch". But it was in their policy to take everything seriously. Part of the problem was that Brittany had been there way too long. She'd watched several kids come and go. No one was giving me any other solution. DHS wanted her back home so they didn't have to deal with her any longer. I wasn't willing to allow that because nothing had changed.

So we all went to court...several times. And each time, DHS stood up and cut me down. Saying I was the problem....I wouldn't go to counseling, blah blah blah. The one judge asked me why. I told him that while counseling could help me in cope with things, it's not going to help the problem, and that is Brittany's behaviors. And at the arraignment hearing, I felt so bad for Brittany because the judge would not let me explain things to her. She had no way of understanding about court. So she ended up saying the wrong thing...that she denied doing this act, when she had planned on saying, yes, she knew she did this. But it really didn't matter much, I guess. It had been discussed about sending her to some girl's school up north and thank God that didn't happen. Those girls there are just bad girls...Brittany is not like them at all. They just put her on probation for a year, and counseling. And she was to stay in the youth home at least another month.
Then I had to attend a meeting at DHS. At this meeting were Brittany's case worker, the dhs director, someone from the counseling center and a couple other people. The psychiatrist had prepared a report on Brittany's disorders, the autism, especially and wrote that she needed to be in a residential facility. None of these things were brought up in court, or allowed to, and the one woman from the counseling center briefly talked about the report, like it meant nothing. Then she says outloud, "Well, if some of these things are not happening at school, then it must be a problem in the home."
Oh I became irate...how tired I was of hearing how I was to blame for her behaviors. I looked the woman square in the eye and said, "Excuse me, have you ever met Brittany?"
She says, "No."
I ask her, "Have you ever met me before?"
She says, "No."
I tell her, "Then you have no right to judge me. You have no idea what I have been through with this child. I've been called names, I've had knives and scissors thrown at me...you don't have a clue. I am trying to get Brittany some help and all you want to do is blame me."
The room got suddenly quiet...
This meeting was pointless, like all the others.

Brittany wasn't any better and the people at the youth home really tried with her, but they just could not do it any longer. The decision had finally been made that Brittany had to leave. Her behaviors were just too disruptive. So DHS found a foster home. What's interesting to me is that I was against her going to a foster home at this point. What if she destroyed someone else's home/property or hurt someone....DHS said, "well it is a chance we have to take, since you have chosen not to take her back." I was also told there was such a thing as a "theraputic" foster home, but she had to have an IQ of 70. Brittany's was 66. Hmm suddenly she was tested again and it magically appeared to be 70. DHS had their own people to do testing and I feel that something fishy was going on there. As it happens, the first foster home didn't work out for Brittany but not because of her. They just decided it wasn't what they wanted. Then another foster home was found and Brittany loved it. There were several foster kids already there, so she had the brothers/sisters she wanted. By all accounts, she was doing okay.

About 4 months into it, DHS was pushing for the foster parents to adopt Brittany. She was 13 now. But Brittany told them no, she didn't want them to adopt her and because of her age, they had to listen to her. The foster mother was nice to me and we got along well, looking out for Brittany, but also aware of her manipulating nature. I was told I had to make a decision...either take her back or give her up completely.

Either way is no easy journey.....

Hell Hath No Fury, Part 8 REPOST

2011-09-13T05:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry this is out of order...I was still working in the sheltered workshop. When I would leave in the morning, Brittany would wait for her bus. Usually there was no problem because she would wait with her friend across the street. While I was at work, a little after 8am I believe, I received a call from the school. "Brittany didn't arrive to school this morning," they said. I explained that she probably missed the bus and I would go check on her. Well, I was just about to leave work, and I received another call, "Brittany's here. Apparently, she was walking to school and a man picked her up and gave her a ride. Brittany says she doesn't know this man."

Oh Lordy. This had happened a few years earlier. Brittany was missing for 3 hours in Iowa, right by the river. She'd gotten angry at me and decided to leave...I attempted to follow her, but lost her...then it got dark and I couldn't find her anywhere. I had to call the police with a description and everything. The policeman was just leaving my house, when they'd gotten a call that some man was bringing her home. The man picked her up and she had said she wanted to go to the mall. That's where he took her and then called the police. I've always been so grateful that was a good man. I never got a chance to thank him.
Flash forward to 2001....
I talked to Brittany about strangers over and over again. Brittany thought everyone was nice and no one would ever hurt her. We talked and talked about this. "Yes mom, I know."
The next day, she did it again...only this time it was the librarian who picked her up. Of course, the school was legally obligated to report me for neglect. A DHS(department of human services) worker came to visit with me and I explained everything to her. She said that the charges would be founded but it would be so low on my record that it would never come up through a regular search. Great. Here I go again.
Well, as it turns out, things went progressively worse after that. The school was calling me constantly to deal with one of Brittany's behaviors, whether it be a violent outburst(she threw a pencil and almost hit someone) or a change of clothes because she wet herself. How much could I keep leaving work? My boss was so wonderful but I could see nothing was going to change, only get worse. Brittany was in therapy with a wonderful therapist who was just as good for me as he was for Brittany. I made this decision to quit my job for 1 month, just to see if Brittany was any better with me home. It was not long before I had my answer.
One fateful day, Brittany had an awful morning...as she most genuinely did. She screamed to me that she was running away, so not to bother waiting for her after school. To Brittany's credit, she adored school, she always has. She said not to even bother looking for her at school. Who knows what the day will bring. In the afternoon as the bus dropped her off, she saw me watching her get off the bus and went into a rampage right there in the front yard, throwing her backpack, screaming. I had to go outside and make her come in. Once in, she yelled, "You are the WORST mother and the WORST person in the UNIVERSE! I HATE YOU!" Then she stormed off to her room. As odd as it seems, I was somewhat immune to this behavior by now. I was used to being the worstanything in her eyes. I let her stay in her room, didn't talk to her or bother her for quite some time. After about 45 minutes, I saw her in her room. Still had her coat on, standing on her bed, staring out her window. She told me she wanted to kill herself. She's said this before and I am fairly certain she was just talking, but you never know. I asked her if she had a plan of how she would do this. She says, "No, but it's better than being here with you."
Immune to everything else, this cut right through me. I decided I'd leave her alone again...being as she'd rather be dead than be with me anyway! After a few more minutes, I came back. She was still standing there, staring. I envisioned her trying to escape out her window and running off. She said, "I just want to go out and live in the wild."
I told her then that I would have to call the police if she escaped out the window, just to keep her safe. I then left her alone again.
5 minutes later, she comes out of her room in a totally different mood, all sweet and loving, "Mommy, is there something I can do for you around the house?"
"What?" I asked her. "Do you remember anything about the past hour, the things you said?"
"Yes, but I don't want to talk about it." She said.
Wow.
That was when I knew I had to do something.

Paradise Lost, Part 9 REPOST

2011-09-13T05:49:00.001-05:00

What I did next was no easy task. I was mulling over what to do when I received a rare phone call from my grandmother(my mother's mother--not the one I lived with). She began to believe what I was saying that it was not my doing and Brittany herself couldn't help it. She said, "Well, you don't know, she could get up during the night and try to kill you." It hadn't occurred to me. Brittany's moods changed so rapidly, it was hard to say. But then one day, she raised her hand to hit me and I stopped her(luckily due to some training for my job) and guided her to her room. That was it for me. I was not going to live like this...there had to be an answer somewhere. I decided I would call DHS myself and ask for some guidance or help somewhere for Brittany. Plus, I thought it might look good for me that I was asking, given that I was so "Guilty" of neglecting her according to them. I talked with the worker who I'd dealt with already. She spoke with her supervisor and they both got on the phone with me to say: "There is nothing we can do. Maybe the next time she blows up, you can take her to the ER and they can evaluate her."
Ugh...excuse me? You walk into my life, tell me I am guilty of neglecting my daughter, but when I ask for help, there is nothing you can do?
I told them that there was no way I could do that because (1) provided that she is CALM enough for me to drive her there, she would be all calm for sure by the time I got there and (2) I would look like an idiot...not to mention, I would get more questions and blame.
So I decided to call Brittany's therapist and he happened to suggest what I had just done. I explained to him, that I had and told them what DHS told me. "WHAT THE HELL!?" He barked. He could not believe they told me that. So the therapist made some phone calls to different agencies. He called me back to ask if I'd be willing for her to go into foster care. I told him anything that could help her. He called back awhile later and told me about the youth home there in Rock Springs. I agreed to that. Brittany did not want to go all that much, of course and we cried together and I told her that this was all to help her and I would do anything, go anywhere on earth to help her deal with life...help myself also. So, I took her there, met the workers, and as it turned out, one of them I had worked with in the past at my job. Brittany appeared excited once we got there. She had her own room and could mingle with other kids. This was April of 2001. I returned home alone and it was the most cleansing feeling in the world. I walked through the door and it was as if 12 years had melted away and for a moment, I felt guilty for feeling so good. I think a part of me will always feel guilty even though I know I have no reason to. So I immediately got back to work and was thrilled to not have these worries at home. But there were more to come.
Brittany had been at the youth home for about a month and the workers didn't believe that there was much wrong. "She is so sweet...." Brittany is a sweet, loving child...when the mood strikes. I just said, "it will come. Watch and see. You will see the dark side and the mood swings and the violence." And they did. Suddenly, the police were called almost daily, which was their policy. During this time, I changed Psychiatrists. I credit this man so much. He was wonderful and really listened to what I was saying. Not to mention the fact that Brittany had a behavior right in front of him...I was so grateful for this. After going through my whole history during pregnancy and everything since then, he realized a different diagnosis. Oh he stated that she probably was Bipolar but something in addition....he called it Pervasive Development Disorder, which, he explained, is a form of Autism. It has most of the symptoms of autism but not everything that would make it autism. He said that everything fits. I went home, looked it up on the internet and the hair on the back of my neck stood up when I read some of the symptoms and behaviors. Almost to the letter of things Brittany did and has always done that I couldn't explain. He put her on some medication, Zyprexa along with the Depakote. Now I am not saying that she was suddenly better, because she was not. Brittany was wrecking havoc at the youth home. Part of the problem was, there were some workers that would allow her to do things she shouldn't and some workers who would follow through on consequences. This made things difficult. During this time also, I began to have meetings with DHS because they kept asking me to take Brittany back home. Nothing had changed. I said no. They really didn't know what to do. DHS still wanted me to go to counseling....I put it off. It just didn't feel right. To me, it felt like they were saying it was still all because of me.
The people at the youth home worked hard with Brittany...trying to find some type of goal that would work for her, something to make her responsible for her actions. Nothing worked. She was having accidents, wetting and soiling her clothes and hiding them. Brittany called me once and one of the workers said something to her and she screamed at the worker in a voice that made me even question this was my child. It was a blood curdling scream. It was in the fall of that year, I believe, that I received the shock of my life. It came in the form of ARRAIGNMENT PAPERS...being served to me at my door. That's right. I reread it several times. My 12 year old daughter was being charged with BATTERY.

The Madness Continues part 7 REPOST

2011-09-12T20:15:00.001-05:00

Brittany and I lived in a town called Rock Springs, Wyoming...which is southwest Wyoming, about 3 hours from Salt lake City. It was kind of dry and desolate and very spread out, about 20,000 people. I had been working in an agency for developmentally disabled adults. I'd been promoted to a "facilitator"...which is, I managed 1 of the 6 group homes. I enjoyed it so much, but it became evident that Brittany's behavior was overshadowing everything in my life. So, I made the decision to step down, after 6 months. I just became a "skills trainer" in one of the other homes. Well, due to some sexual harrassment issues from another manager(another long story!), I was transferred to another department. I now worked in the sheltered workshop where many of the clients worked during the day. This was a day time, 7am-3:30pm Mon-Fri job, which was good for me, and I could be home in the evening with Brittany. One of my coworkers at the workshop told me about her mobile home she was trying to sell, north of town and wanted me to look at it. I was sure I couldn't afford anything, but we went to look at it. I subsequently bought the trailer in August of 2000 and Brittany and I moved out there. I thought it would be good for Brittany to have her own yard and I could better get a handle of things.

Brittany was now 11 and her behaviors were sporadic at best. I warned her that if she slammed her door, the door was coming off....and it did come off for quite some time. The school she now attended was a really good school with wonderful teachers that were patient with Brittany through everything. Brittany had been in special education classes since she began school. When we first moved to Wyoming, Brittany's IQ was tested. It was then 64, which falls into the mild retardation range. Now, I am not neccesarily a believer in IQ tests because people are more than just a number. Here it is now, 3 years later. I went to a meeting with teachers there and I was told she was tested again, now it was only 66. They also stated that she is mentally behind at least 3 years, meaning she was more like an 8 year old. This made sense to me. Brittany still had "accidents" with wetting, mostly. With the behavioral problems since she was young, it was more difficult than usual potty training her. Now when she wet herself, it was behavioral. Her hygiene was horrible and I basically had to take care of her like a baby, with her kicking and screaming all the way. She would sit on my kitchen floor and just pee. I'd ask her why she didn't get up and go to the bathroom and she'd say, "Well, I wasn't going to make it anyway."

I will never forget Thanksgiving of 2000. I had decided to make Brittany and I our own big dinner. When it was time to eat, Brittany wanted to sit in the living room and watch tv while eating. I told her no, we were going to eat at the table and have a nice dinner. She became irate and I did what I usually did, told her to go to her room until she calmed down. She screamed, "Oh yah, well I am NOT eating!" I told her just to go to her room and when she wanted to calm down and come eat with me, she could. She came out almost an hour later. I asked her if she wanted to eat now.
She yelled at me, "Well YOU said I couldn't eat! You don't want me to have anything!"
I had to kind of giggle at this because this was the usual turnaround for Brittany. Well, she did eat but it really showed me alot of things.
I have noticed since she was young, there is a pattern to her behaviors. Somewhere between Thanksgiving until after New Year's, Brittany's behaviors were always at their worst. I believe it is from all the stimulation the holidays bring...just overload. So, I learned not to really care for those holidays...especially Christmas. And the Christmas of 2000 was not any different...only worse for me. I had very little money, just barely scraped up enough to buy Brittany a few little presents. She opened them, telling me, "That's all I get? You NEVER want me to have anything, do you?" Somewhere between anger and hurt, I told her, "Well, you don't have to even have this. I can give them to someone else!" No, of course, she didn't want that.
Just when I didn't think things could get any worse...in comes January of 2001.....

Just When You Think it's Safe Part 6(Repost)

2011-09-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

I look back on my college life...and honestly, there isn't a whole lot I remember. I remember how young Brittany was when I started and all that happened to me, I cannot even believe I lived through it. But I did.

To say that life was stressful then is a horrible understatement. The Ritalin helped many things. It helped me be able to talk to her...but it didn't solve everything. Many people believe, that is, people such as my family, that you give someone a pill and TA DA, it will solve every problem under the sun and if it doesn't....then it doesn't work worth a damn. When Brittany was around 5 years old, I took her to a therapist. Things began to bother me...from her laughing inappropriately, injecting conversations that didn't fit what anyone was talking about...now, with a 5 year old, it's cute....but when they are 30, it's not so cute. These were things I wondered if anyone else noticed about her. Brittany would lie right to my face and truly believed what she was saying was true. I could see her doing something, and she could see that I saw her do it and yet...she was loyal to her lie to the very end. After the therapist saw Brittany without me in the room, she called me back into the office. She had Brittany wait for a minute outside. She told me, "She is good. Brittany is one of the best manipulaters I have ever seen. She had me manipulated and I am a trained professional for God's sake!" I've never forgotten that.

The Ritalin worked pretty well until around the age of 7....then, the effect was gone. We had moved, I believe, so another Doctor put her on Dexadrine, which is basically the same as Ritalin, though has a diet suppressant in it(it's what's in Dexatrim)...so she didn't really gain weight. Things slowly were heading out of control the older she got. Since she was diagnosed, I tried many different things to discipline her...to no avail. Oh many people assumed so many things about me...family and professionals, that I was failing in disciplining her. I tried time outs, I tried making charts and graphs, giving her stars....tried taking things away. She'd gotten down to just her bed in a room and she just didn't care. Nothing worked.

We moved to Wyoming in 1998, Brittany was 9. My girlfriend at the time, really stayed out of things between Brittany and I. Brittany knew how and where to push my buttons. Sometimes, I could be so calm, like I should be but I dare the calmest person to be in a room alone with Brittany at that time and they would go crazy. Brittany and I were very close....it was undeniable....she'd been through a hard time, me...not being able to pick a good sane woman for some time...but at the same time, I lived with this stress every day and it only became worse.

I left my then gf and moved Brittany and I into an apartment in 1999. Brittany spent some of worst times here. It was then that I saw the mood swings. She destroyed my apartment, slammed her door so hard, that it came through the other side. She would yell at me the minute I came home. She would destroy everything in her path, call me horrible names I'd never heard come out of her mouth before and then 5 minutes later, say sweetly, "I love you, mommy," and cuddle up to me. I was not sure how to deal with this. When she was 11, I left for a few minutes for work...then the Police called me, saying I'd better get my butt home. Brittany had taken everything out of my cupboards, food everywhere....trashed the place, then called the cops to say I was neglecting her. The cops said, "You know I could throw your ass in jail right now?" I told them, "Yes, and it would be a vacation, believe me." I could not keep a babysitter, no matter how much I paid them. Brittany threw the phone through the window. Of course, the cops never came back to check to see if I was neglecting her. Really worried, weren't they?
I finally took Brittany to a psychiatrist once her SSI was approved and I had some insurance for her. He diagnosed her with Bipolar disorder. I could see it. He put her on some medications...Depakote and Seroquel. I didn't really notice much of a difference. Then I found her pills on the floor...she wasn't taking them all the time, and she was truly out of control. I called the Psychiatrist and he instructed me to take her to the psych ward in Lander, Wyoming, 3 hours away. She was there for 6 days when they called to say she was all regulated on her meds, there had been no problems, she was ready to go home. The minute I got there, she screamed and ran up and down the hallway in hysterics. They could not believe this. Immediately, one of the social workers began to tell me this was a discipline issue, that I had not tried this or that program. I began to walk out. She stopped me to ask what the problem was.
I told her that I was not going to listen to one more person blame me for Brittany's problems.
They made Brittany stay 3 more days as a punishment. I came back and she was better. For the moment. The next morning, I took her to breakfast. When I wasn't finished, she stood up and began screaming. I got up to pay the cashier and she touches my hand saying, "It's okay, honey, I have one at home just like her."
I smiled politely and said, "Trust me, you don't."

Next: 7

Repost LIFE GOES ON Part 5

2011-09-12T18:43:00.001-05:00

My stepmother was the first of my family members to come around and I will always love her for that. She sent me a big box of baby clothes and anything I'd need for the baby. People seemed to be coming around. Even friends of my grandmother didn't understand why she was so indifferent. But my mother...another story altogether. I've had a tumultous relationship with my mother, at best. But during my pregnancy, she appeared to be the most loving mother ever. She lived 3 hours away...she'd send me letters and had come up a couple times to see my grandmother. But all of that changed once I made my decision. I never heard from her and after awhile, I thought that maybe I should go see her and she surely couldn't deny the baby if she saw her face to face. After all, it was her only grandchild(and still is). But I was wrong. Brittany was 2 months old when I took the bus to go see my mother. Apparently, she had written a letter that I hadn't received yet. She came to the door and told me, "What are you doing here? Didn't you get my letter?"
I said, "No, I didn't".
SHe says, "Well, I don't want to see you or that baby."
Shocked, I said, "Why not? She's your grandchild, no matter what you think of me."
She said, "If I see her, I'm going to want to see her all the time."
I said, "Well isn't that the point?"
"Still, I don't want to see either one of you...and I will never change my mind. You made your decision and I've made mine. Goodbye." And slam went the door. I have only seen her once since then, when Brittany and I were on a bus going to the same city to visit a friend of mine. In some crazy coincidence, my mother was on that same bus....I sat behind her. Brittany was maybe a year or so old. I tapped her on the shoulder, "What are you doing here?"
I said, "Visiting some friends."
She turned back around and as soon as there was room, she moved to the front of the bus. I did catch her watching us every now and then, so I made sure I readly loudly to Brittany. But she was true to her word, she has never changed her mind. Though I think over the years, her curiosity has gotten to her.

After some prodding from my friend, whose parents I was living with...I enrolled in College, at Iowa State University. I was surprised at the various programs I qualified for. I went on public aid to help support us while I went to school full time....it was not easy, not at all. I started that fall of 1989, when Brittany was 5 months old. I'm not sure I would have the energy now and now that I look back on that time, it seems a blur. I wanted to study Social Work as I was inspired by the 2 social workers that helped me in the hospital. So I worked and studied and took care of my baby. She really was a good baby. Somewhere after she was 1 1/2 or 2, I noticed that Brittany was really behind in her "milestones". She wasn't walking or even trying to....she didn't really walk until maybe a year and a half. I talked to the pediatrician, he said the usual, "Kids grow at their own pace. Things will pick up." She hit the terrible twos, but then it lingered on and on into her threes. This was the time when I really noticed the behaviors. Spanking did not work...she looked at me with this look in her eye like, "How dare you spank ME!" So I didn't spank her very long...I knew I had to figure something out. I tried time outs. Once I watched her in such a rage, at 3 years old...it was almost surreal. I didn't understand where it all came from. Between 3 and 4 was when I came out to myself and dealing with her behaviors and attempting to go to school. It would take me 3 hours sometimes to get her to bed...she would scream and cry, get out of bed to defy me. I couldn't even take a shower as I'd have to lock her in the bathroom with me...then once she could unlock the door, she'd escape and I'd have to stop, get dressed and look for her. Yes, she was out the door. People would always see me looking for her, and I am sure it looked like I was neglectful. I was turned into DFS(family services) for neglect at this time. To this day I believe it was my first gf's ex for spite. Someone came and talked to me, "Do you watch her at all when she goes outside?" Gee, no, I hadn't thought of that! Two weeks later, I received a notice in the mail, that the evidence was founded for "Denial of Critical Care." Never heard from them again. Like they were really concerned. During this time, as I will never forget it...I woke up one morning to see Brittany standing over me....watching me with this glazed look in her eye. That has always scared me when I think of it. I decided it was time, due to my stress level, to talk to the Dr. During the exam, Brittany could not sit still, getting into everything in the room. He told me, normally they would do testing, but it was obvious she had ADHD(Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder) and prescribed Ritalin. Sorry Mr. Cruise, but sometimes it works. I was so thrilled that someone could name this. Ritalin worked wonderfully then....she could focus and she was not doped up like some people think. But without the medicine, she was truly unmanageable. She would throw herself down in the middle of a busy street, refusing to get up, she would take off to the quick shop in an instant and start eating the candy from the open bins there. The only time I've dealt with the police is because of Brittany. It was hard to believe that this was the baby I fought so hard to keep with me....there had to be some big master plan for giving me this to deal with.
part 6 coming

Repost Brittany The Beginning...part 4

2011-09-12T18:40:00.001-05:00

In Iowa in 1989, anyway, a woman had 96 hours to change her mind AFTER the papers were signed. I've found in other states, this is not true. So, once I left the hospital, my mind was a shambles. I had everything figured out and now it was complete chaos. My family...my grandmothers(both of them) and everyone else who stated they loved me, cared about me...didn't seem to REALLY care what I wanted. But in retrospect, I allowed it to happen. Comments were made, like it really wasn't a big deal to give up your baby...so what, life goes on, right? I didn't see how it could.

Then I got a phone call from my cousin...someone whom I've never really gotten along with, but we were pregnant at the same time. She asked me if I wanted the baby. I wasn't really sure what to answer. Did I? She said, "you don't know what could happen...you could get married one day, have a different life and the baby could grow to hate you for not trying." I thought about that long and hard. I didn't sleep much, eat much...it was on my mind and something inside of me was growing stronger. Suddenly, there was no other answer.

The next day, I began making phone calls, finding out information....what my first steps were. I contacted the lawyer I'd switched over to and told him I wanted to revoke the papers. I was doing all of this in secret because I was still living with my grandmother and I knew once she found out my plans, it would not be pretty. And I couldn't have been more right. My grandmother ranted and raved...uh mostly ranting. No one in my family spoke with me...you'd think I had the plague or something. I ended up moving next door with the neighbor's as a good friend of mine lived there with her parents, who were also friendly with my grandmother...that is, until they took me in. My grandmother wouldn't speak to me.

I picked up my daughter from the foster home and began my life along with hers.
But that's just the beginning...

Repost Part 3

2011-09-12T18:37:00.001-05:00

It was a Tuesday morning when everything changed. The baby's lawyer had arrived from Eagle Grove, Iowa...a place I've never been, nor do I know exactly where it is. I was in an even lesser known town of Marshalltown. It was then that he informed me, "There's been a little problem..." Now when someone tells you that, you know it ain't "little". "The adoptive parents have dropped out of the adoption."

WHAT?

"Why?" I ask him.

"It appears the baby has a heart murmur and the parents are concerned for her health. The doctor tried to talk them down, but that was there decision."

Everything was set up, everything in place. Now what? What in the world would I do now?
Oh, but the lawyer had an idea.

"Why don't you just take her home and try it out for a bit. See what happens."

WHAT? I began to think this guy had a used car business on the side. "She is not a used car for God's sake. If I take her home, I ain't bringin her back!" The lawyer left when my hospital phone rang. It was my grandmother, the one I lived with to that point. I explained to her what was happening. She immediately barked, "You cannot bring that baby home!" I attempted to calm her down, telling her I had not made any decision yet. I had just finished with that conversation and hung up with my grandmother and my phone rang again. It was Debbi.
"Are the lawyers there?" She asks.
"Yes, well they just left."
"Dammit," she says. "I wanted to talk to you before they did." That is when she explained everything and my heart went out to her as she cried through the phone. She told me that she had had a heart murmur, a bad one...a hole in her heart that never healed, which was why she couldn't have a baby herself. She grew up going to dr after dr and she didn't want that for the baby....it was too uncertain. They'd been up all night, thinking of everything, talking, crying and finally decided they just couldn't do it. She asked me what I was going to do. I said I didn't know, but if they weren't going to raise her, I didn't want anyone else but me. She asked me how and of course, I didn't know. I've never talked to Debbi again, though she said to keep in touch.

After hanging up, I felt a strange energy around me...there was a reason this happened. I wasn't supposed to go through with the adoption. Call it fate, karma, whatever....this was my chance. I remember my grandmother saying, "If it were fate, you'd have a job!" I had to laugh at that logic. Fate doesn't care if you have a job. Oh I didn't have any answers. No one in the family wanted me to have this baby.

Then the lawyer came back to say what would happen now. He stated that since I was to leave the hospital that day, the baby had to have somewhere to go. The hospital was gracious enough to let her stay for one more night while a temporary foster home was set up. The lawyer also stated that if I were to go with another couple, he would have to drop out, due to a conflict of interest. So I went home to a mass of people calling me, telling me they knew of a friend, family member or a friend of a friend's cousin who wanted to adopt a newborn little girl. I couldn't focus on those things. I made some calls, found another lawyer in the next day, who in turn, found a farm couple in Minnesota who wanted a baby. Of course, I was being told by my family that there was no way I was mature enough to raise a baby. So I let them tell me what to do one more time. I wanted to do what was best for the baby. Give her a home that I couldn't provide.
So the next day, I went back to the hospital to sign papers signing away my parental rights to this child. The nurses let me hold her one last time to say goodbye. If I ever had a heart, it died that day for sure. I held her, cried, tried to tell her what I needed to....hoping somehow she could hear me. Then I left her there in that hospital.

Brittany-repost part 2

2011-09-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

Life was interesting after making this decision and feeling comfortable with it. At the time, I'd been living in a dumpy apartment and then my grandmother offered for me to move in with her until after the baby and I got on my feet...so to speak. I spent the next few months talking with Debbi and John and getting to know them. I began to feel so close to them, like they were my best friends and I was giving this gift to them. This made me feel more at peace with the decision somehow. Like I couldn't let them down. Debbi and John were paying my rent and medical expenses during this time. I never realized how much red tape there is for an adoption. The parents had a lawyer, the baby had a lawyer and things had to be set up for when the baby was born.

As the months passed so slowly by, I just wanted it to be over. I had spent the first 4 months of my pregnancy in the bathroom with morning, noon and night sickness, as I called it. I spent more time in the bathroom throwing up than doing anything else. I lost 25 pounds and some people didn't even believe I was pregnant. Like I would make it up....oh yah, people do do that, don't they? Not me...I swore I'd always remember how awful I felt and let that be a lesson. I guess I was 7 1/2 months along when I took Lamaze classes. I enjoyed that but it also told me that my time was limited.

Then the time came. I was 2 weeks overdue in March, 1989. Finally the dr said I needed to be delivered. Suddenly, all the time I'd been waiting and wishing to end, was here....but now I wanted more time. I went to the hospital and was attached to monitors and people poking and prodding me. I'd just come from the Drs office where they'd done a pelvic exam and the baby had not dropped at all, so that exam was painful. Here I was in the labor room now, with a strong hefty woman putting a catheter inside of me. I thought if one more person tells me to relax...oh she did it, she told me to relax. I shouted, "You know, I'd like to stick my hand clear up to my elbow up that Drs ass and tell him to RELAX!" The nurse, laughed, "Hmm are we a tad bit hostile today?" Ya think?

Anyway, I had been asked whether I wanted to see the baby and hold her. I'd been told it wasn't a good idea for me to hold the baby, but I at least wanted to see her. So Brittany was born at 1:45pm on March 17, 1989, a friday....yes, St. Patty's day...by C-Section. I had learned that the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around her neck and had I been insistant on having a natural childbirth, one of us would not have made it. I'd had no labor pains of any kind, nothing. But Brittany turned out to be over 10 lbs. I believe the cord around her neck was the cause of her later disabilities.

That first day after her birth was somewhat of a blur, as the drugs began to wear off. I received flowers and phone calls from Debbi and John. The next day, I decided to hold her. My thinking was that because I was truly going to go through with this adoption, it would be the only chance I had to hold my daughter. Of course, the nurses were against it, but I had every intention of following through, no matter how difficult it was.

The day after that, Sunday, I realized I had not heard from Debbi and John for awhile. I immediately thought something was wrong. Monday comes along, and still no word from anyone. Then Tuesday came, the day I was to get out of the hospital. Everything happens for a reason, as part of a big complicated plan, we know nothing about. I will forever believe this to be true.

Next:part3

RePOST Brittany's Struggles part 1

2011-09-10T09:42:00.002-05:00

This is a repost as I feel since things have gone so far awry with my daughter, wanted to remind myself of where I've been.

BRITTANY'S STRUGGLES part 1

This is my girl Brittany, who is now a whopping 17 years old. It's hard to imagine. I am proud of this picture because she looks so grown up and I've passed it around to family members.

Brittany's struggle began probably from when she was born and I am proud to say she has done so well in the past few years. I have to admit, this might not have been the case had I not made the ultimate of sacrifices.

I was 23 and pregnant by a man(I use the term loosely) who when I informed him of his impending fatherhood, stated that he was already married with 2 children. Hmm. I guess to me, it was a blessing. I'd had no relationship with this man. Yes, I never questioned my sexuality at the time, but knew I was looking for something...a brick to fall on my head, something that would just excite me. Then I would know what everyone was talking about. I knew this man, like all the others, was not it. But now I had to face it and make life altering decisions. The thought of having a life inside me, was thrilling...I had a chance to make something happen. Enter the family....

I was living and working for a man that was my best friend inside and out. He'd known me since I was 19. His name was Tony, an older gay man who took care of his elderly mother. I was living in a room in the back of his house, taking care of his mother while he worked. This is where I met Brittany's father, whose name also happened to be Tony. I'll call him TonyS. He made the moves on me one afternoon while I was steadily involved with some wine coolers. TonyS and I worked in shifts taking care of Tony's mother. Confusing?

My family consisted of both my grandmothers who lived there in town. Both of my grandfathers had died earlier that year. All of my family was not happy about the news, of course, because I was not married and it looked bad. This was 1988...not the 50s. Though on my father's side, everyone had been divorced more than once, my aunt would end up to be divorced 3 times and my father is on his 3rd marriage. So glad that doesn't look bad. My father's mother, Millie, I was closest to. She was not thrilled to say the least. Neither was my father and stepmother. I wrote a letter to my mother telling her the news. She wrote back saying I should get an abortion as "that baby didn't ask to be born." I thought, what baby does? I didn't believe in abortions for something I did all on my own. I still don't. No one in my family spoke to me for quite awhile. Until my stepmother talked to me about what my plans were. It had tortured my mind, but inside I had planned to keep the baby. She showed me what a struggle it would be and talked to me about adoption. So after much thought, deliberation and weighing out the good and bad...I decided she was right. I went looking for someone to adopt my baby.

Searching through the paper, I found an ad from a couple looking to adopt. So I wrote and called. I found a couple. All I still know about them to this day is that their names were Debbi and John and they lived around White Plains, New York. John was a vice president of a bank and Debbi was in some kind of marketing/advertising. They'd been married for 10 years. They called me and I felt an instant connection to them, especially Debbi. A few times of talking, they decided to go with me, compared to others who had called/written. Debbi told me later that the other women/girls had some kind of drug background.

Of course, once I announced this decision, everyone in my family was happy. Suddenly, they were all so proud of me. It taught me that if you do what they want, they love you. And so, I had decided to give my baby up for adoption.

Coming soon....Part 2

Dustin Off The Cobwebs

2011-09-06T20:09:00.003-05:00

Cobwebs are abundant, but it's cleaning season, right? Much has happened I think since I last wrote and don't recall when that was, but here I am.

Have to talk about the good news. I may FINALLY be getting my novel published! Oh I cannot wait to hear something positive. Editing was a tedious process, but I did learn that I can do this. I let it go too long(over a year!) because I think it all was so overwhelming that I didn't know where to begin, but once I started, it went well! I went through it 3 times and finally sent it back in to my agent. So now it is in the marketing stages. I am supposed to get an update every 30 days. The first update is due Sept 12th, so I am anxious to hear what they say. So I am at work on my next novel and it is kind of exciting making up new characters! Everything is happy...I have never been happier in so many aspects of my life...and then there is the Brittany. *SIGH*

Where do I begin? My daughter has cut me out of her life and I have to say for the sake of my sanity, it is probably for the best. I've written my struggle with her growing up and the struggle has continued and deepened into her adulthood. I think this is because the issues are the same only in an older body. There isn't a sense of consequences for her actions or her words. There never has been, no matter what I have tried. As an adult, I have backed off of her so that she would learn to do things on her own. She does not think ahead and is perfectly happy letting someone else take care of her. When there are outside influences telling her how she should feel, there are no filters for her to say "no, I don't feel that way, I feel this way." It is usually, "Oh yes, that's how I feel. You are right." She is a master manipulator and a master at allowing herself to be manipulated. How can I compete with this? I cannot. I don't want to.

This all began when she was at my house doing laundry with her boyfriend and lost her temper breaking her laptop(that she bought) bending the screen backwards. Nice, eh? So she took off outside and everyone thought she would be back after she cooled off. She never returned and her boyfriend was worried about her. No call no nothing. What started off as a cooling off period turned into "I can't stand my boyfriend and I am breaking up with him." She didn't have the balls to tell him that either. She thought it was all funny as she scurried off to these crazy ass people where she used to live. The woman is an ex boyfriend's mother whom she now calls MOM. The woman kicked her out of her house around memorial day and who did Brittany turn to...? That's right. ME. I wasn't allowing her back in my house and I am sure she played this up to people about what a shitty mother I was by not allowing her back. So now suddenly they are all chummy. I was so angry at Brittany though she didn't do anything to me this time, but it was the way she treated people, almost in an evil way. I told her I wasn't talking to her, I was so angry. I let it go and then a couple weeks later, she referred to me on facebook as her "Birth Mother". It has declined since then.

I found her father on facebook and told her to look him up. She took all of the credit for that, but fails to realize in 22 years, he has never tried to look for HER. As I predicted, she texted me one day saying she was moving in with him in Des Moines. I say good, he owes her that. And I can also predict the outcome for this. But I have been quiet. Does it matter? nope. Suddenly I am responsible for him all of a sudden not calling her. Okay, sure, like I care enough to do that. I sent him a note giving him INFORMATION about the daughter he knows NOTHING about and what her life has been like. He will always be a creep. She has to find that out for herself.

Then yesterday, I receive a note on facebook from her, a long note might I add, detailing how I have emotionally abused her, was never there for her and only cared about myself and she wishes I would have given her up. I told her I know the game she is playing and "go right ahead and play it". These people she calls her family do NOT understand what she is capable of. I believe she has lied to them, painting me out to be this monster, so she can play the "Poor Brittany" routine who has been horribly wronged. So fine.

So here I am reflecting on things I've done and decisions I've made. Yes, like anyone, I made mistakes, had relationships with people I regret having. That's part of life. Things happen for a reason and as weird as it may sound, I think this has happened to show me that it's time for me to live my own life without her. I never would have thought things would turn out this way, but so it has and I cannot do a thing to fix or change it. I'm tired. Tired of being hurt, disrespected and wondering what kind of bullshit she will try next. She is completely out in left field now, no matter how hard I tried to steer her in the right direction.

Sometimes life sucks and you realize what a gift it is.

Right is Right, Wrong is Pathetic

2010-10-20T17:04:00.002-05:00

I remember last year when Iowa made it LEGAL for gays and lesbians to marry, I was amazed, shocked and glorified. Of course, I was skeptical because I knew what power the hate mongers have. I knew at some point, Iowa would let me down.

Now, it's not even Iowa that has let me down, it's the people.

I realize that in these times, America has been lost and most likely will not return. Recently, with all of the political signs taking over people's yards, I saw one that I didn't understand. "SAY NO TO ACTIVIST JUDGES". Not realizing what it was about, I went about my business. To my horror, I saw a news piece stating that there were groups forming to try to rid the Iowa Supreme Court of the judges that made the historical decision 1 year ago. WHAT? I could not believe the new low the religious so called "morality" groups have sunk to. Public opinion should never dictate law. That is WHY there are judges, to be impartial and make decisions(here it comes...) BASED ON THE LAW. So every time we disagree with a decision, judges should be cast out? It's so aggravating, it's hard to put into words.

So I have a question for the so-called moral people and STRAIGHT folks. How would you feel if:
Court decision came down that 1) you were not allowed to marry the person you love and had to hide all that you are to your family, your employer and your government 2) You could NOT have any children because there are too many children in this country that cannot be supported(hello DUGGAR family) 3) you cannot serve your country and protect it, because only GAYS can be in the military
Oh gosh, you are a minority! But us as GAYS can beat you up, kill you ONLY because you are different, essentially because you are straight. Oh yes, you have CHOSEN to be straight and can change with the help of God.
I am ranting, it's true. But I know it's worth ranting about. I really thought Obama was going to do good things, but now I realize he is not and has no real intentions of fixing DADT or DOMA. How sad it's the courts that are doing right and our own president is doing wrong by doing nothing.

Welcome to AMERICA.

Rant over til next time :-)

oh yah I am getting married BEFORE it's all over!

DO ask and DO Tell

2010-09-10T10:43:00.002-05:00

How do you tell someone "don't tell us about your personal life" when they have to listen time and time again about everyone else's personal life? Straight folks do not understand this and never will, through no fault of their own(mostly). I, like most gays and lesbians, have gone through this in the past. Having to hear nasty horrid stories from straight women about their sexual escapades in a work situation. How is that ok? This whole issue...down to gay marriage has NOTHING to do with religion. It has to do with basic human rights. Are we not ALL human?

I do understand people having different views. My journalism teacher in high school used to say "Opinions are like butts, everybody's got one." I think in today's times, people forget about opinions and expect people to apologize for their own opinion. You shouldn't have to apologize for an opinion OR for who you are. We don't expect straight people to be ashamed of who they are or who they love.

Now that it's another anniversary of September 11, it's really PAST time to make things right for all of the military families that are having to go back in the closet and pretend they are honest and truthful for the sake of America. For the military to say that there will be trouble from gays and lesbians in the ranks is ludicrous and part of the homophobia that is so rampant. But why?

I also am reminded about other groups that have been murdered and beaten for the sake of the majority...blacks and native americans. Gee, when are we going to think of each other as human beings here for the same purpose?

I don't expect the repeal of DADT(don't ask don't tell) to pass because the military morons will always find a reason. It is being sabatoged now with a bogus survey that is biased and discriminatory.

But if you ask me, I'll tell you...

Yah I'm gay and I'm glad

Unanswered Prayers

2010-09-05T08:25:00.002-05:00

It's "Reflective Sunday"....so I must reflect on how my life as a gay woman began over 17 years ago. Unlike others, I never had an inkling that I was gay...though to others, the signs were always there. So yes, I was a late bloomer. All these years later, I understand myself and my struggles so much better.

This past weekend, I saw the woman who started my journey all those years ago. Her name is Teri and I found her again on Facebook. Every once and awhile, I would put her name into the search engine and didn't find anything, but in late January, I found her. It took awhile for her to "friend" me and I feared she didn't want to and I wrote to her to explain what an impact she had on my life...and she did. So she did "friend" me and it was wonderful talking with her again and re-living those times. It was odd to me that she was now with a man and had been for quite some time. How does that happen? I do recall that at the time, she didn't really identify herself as a lesbian, just "in a relationship with another woman". Now I understand what a cop out that is. If you don't identify yourself, you don't have to nail yourself down. I understand it in a way, but for me, realizing that I was gay and that was the reason I never fell in love with a man or even want what I was always told I should want, was life-altering. Straight people do not understand this and never will. They do not have to come to terms with being who they are like gay people do. Let's face it, it IS easier to live life as a straight person. It wasn't easier for me, though I tried to even after Teri, thinking I could be a good enough actress to pull it off. I know lots of people do this every day. Not me.

So Teri was going to be in Iowa this Labor Day weekend and she wanted to see me. Oh I wanted to see her and Friday I saw her. We hugged and talked. Brittany went with me. She didn't remember Teri, as she was only 3. I met Teri's "hubby" as she called him, though they are not married. Very nice man and they appeared to be quite happy with each other. I was struck remembering her in my life when she was my whole world. Teri was mentally ill (anyone can read some of my earlier posts from way back to get the story) and just didn't see me often, unless she wanted something and I was so engrossed in her that I gave her everything. What I wanted most was her time and she couldn't give it to me. We never really had a relationship, but what little we had stayed with me always.

So I am reminded of the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers". The hours and days I spent wishing, hoping and praying I could be with her always...they never came true and things happened that I didn't understand. I was devastated beyond belief, devastated to my very core. For the first time ever in my life, I had a broken heart. After seeing her this weekend, I'm reminded what I have at home. SO grateful that it never worked out because I would not have Cindy and the wonderful life I have. And I am sure, for her too.

I am convinced people cross your path for a reason, even if they don't stay in your life. Teri served her purpose...to show me the truth I had buried deep inside that I never knew existed. So for that, I am forever grateful.

It's Just a WORD

2010-08-31T14:15:00.002-05:00

Maybe.

I absolutely LOVE words. Never have I learned this lesson more as when working with my clients. Many times, they take things literally and you are thrown for a loop to come up with something they would understand.

I've thought about words recently in light of the political climate today and more specifically, in regards to Dr. Laura. Granted, I think she is a horrid judgmental woman with an ax to grind. Her use of the "N-word" was pretty disgusting and now I see where she is quitting so "I can say what I want". Really? Thought you did that already. She claims freedom of speech...blah blah blah. Is it freedom of speech to incite hatred and your sense of disgust? It is one thing to speak your opinion but yet another to be so irresponsible that you do not care about the consequences for what you say. I remember when she said that gays were a "biological error". Reeeeaaalllly. Who is she to say what God intended?

It does bring up a powerful argument, however appalling. There are a few words to describe a class of people(minorities) that are equally as disgusting. I think the problem is(as Ms L---I don't give her the distinction of Drhood--alluded to in her rant) that black people call themselves the N-word and hey, shouldn't it be okay for others to call them that too? I guess you'd think so under this argument. I feel this way about other words: "retard", "fag", "Dyke" . The same argument can apply. I am guilty of using "dyke" about myself because in my world it is a positive word. The more I've thought of this debate, the more I realize...if we want others to stop using these words, we as a group (gays, blacks, etc) need to stop using them within our own world. Everyone around me knows I HATE the word "retard"...yet I hear many teenagers and young people using it. If you stop someone from saying it around you, they will have to search for a new word. Like "that's kinda gay". Hell, I've been guilty of that because there are times, let's face it, it fits.

I think it's up to us to change within ourselves before we can expect others to take that step.

Oh yah...and that word TOLERANCE. I hate that too...to me, it means 'I'm just putting up with you because I'm better than you'. So...Ms L....I'm tolerating you.

Peace and Love in abundance :-)

Sunday Morning Rant and Raves

2010-08-01T07:30:00.002-05:00

I noticed the last time I blogged was in March and here it is August now, officially! Turn me over and paint me blue! Let's see if I can find something interesting to say!

In April, Cindy was fired from her job and while most people always say it was THEM that were wrong, in this case, it is really true. What this company was doing has to be against major labor laws. Cindy was working 12-15 hour days and then driving 3 sometimes 4 hours to the next location, get to the hotel sometimes at 1-2am and be up and ready again by 7am. That is just wrong. She was falling asleep at the wheel. That aside, she was fired because one of the asshole Drs did not like her and wanted her gone. Said he didn't like how she did the exams(Cindy worked for a mobile MRI service)...even though many times, she asked people if there was anything she could do differently, do better, etc....no answer. Plus a year before she was written up because she brought a safety issue to their attention...apparently safety doesn't matter as she was told never to bring it up again and then they wrote her up. Personally, I am grateful as they probably saved her life by letting her go. So Cindy is filling in at the hospital where she worked previously...thank God she kept that job on the side as it appears now, she might get a spot back there. Not the most ideal place, but it's a good job.

Brittany has been working fulltime since mid june and may be finally moving out soon! YAY!!! I am doing the happy dance. I got her into this program through the college for young people and they found her the job for the summer and now the little cafe is hiring her permanently! Yes, it's a cafe/bistro that is now going to expand a bit, so she'll be working more. She would not have done this had I not nagged her and told her it was her only choice.

As for me, I've been busy busy. I'm managing a "site"...sort of group home, with 2 young girls there. One of the girls, I worked with at the agency I left last november(see past post on whistleblowing lol) and her parents wanted to get her out of there. Her mom called me up and asked me if I would manage this new place. So I felt honored and Cindy talked me into taking it and I am so grateful I did. I still have 2 other clients plus I just got a call for another potential client. I sure like being independent and not being attached to any agency.

I've been listening to Sirius radio in my car and LOVE LOVE it! I've been listening to Michelangelo Signorile show...gay politics, gotta love it! It has really helped me be more informed here in the midwest. REPEAL DON'T ASK DON'T TELL dammit! I think the government is totally not going to do this, it is obvious by their inaction. Anyhoo, don't get me going on that!

I am going to be an AUNT in October!! First time and I am excited!
I am still seeing my mother, though I've discovered she is doing this in secret and has been for 2 1/2 yrs. My stepfather supposedly does not have a clue. This is just one of those things that I will never understand...why would my mother not be up front with him to say "look this is what I am doing, if you won't sit down and talk about it, it's your problem. It's my daughter and I will see her." Apparently, she's not strong like that. You always think your mother is the strong one and strong willed. I think my mother was with us but she has let people bully her, including her husband of over 32 years...I am sure it stems from my grandmother. So..I still see my mother in restaurants and public places. And I can't call her now that he is retired and she calls me when he is not at home. Why am I always someone's dirty little secret? LMAO I say that because Cindy is not out to her family...but I'm really okay with that but after 5 1/2 yrs if living together, you'd think someone would be questioning....and they probably are! Oh well...life goes on!

This is the life of ME!!!
Peace and Love

Human Rights Gone Wrong...

2010-03-19T19:27:00.002-05:00

It's hard to say much against Human Rights, since its importance is so tatamount to our existence. In essence, it's what we are all fighting for. But it's all wrong.

At least in this instance. I've worked for 15 years with developmentally disabled and I can say that I know ALOT about how they function, how they think and what is important to them. I've worked with some that are total care and some that are higher functioning and need guidance to make adult decisions with a somewhat childlike mind. These people are harder to work with because they have a mind of their own and don't think twice about telling you. As I've written in previous entries, I managed a group home with 3 ladies, higher functioning but still required 24 hour supervision. Since I was asked to step down and I quit, the ladies have been transitioning into new staff and a new STUPID way of running the house. The house is actually a duplex and the other side is a group home with 3 other ladies. Soooo, since the other manager was fired(just because she was a psycho bitch from hell), they(management), in their not-so-infinite wisdom, decided to save money by hiring only 1 manager to work both sides. What they have failed to understand is...oh anything about the clients they say they are assisting. I still know what is going on because I have maintained contact with the clients while they are out in the community to help with the transition and because I care for them.

So what's my beef? My beef is in allowing clients "choice" has been detremental to them. I ran into this while I was there. Clients eating junk food all day long, gaining weight like crazy and being told to have their dr put them on a diet but when they won't follow it. "Well we can't force them to follow it." Oh we can't force them to follow rules or clean up after themselves. The point is that if they don't, there will be consequences. Big deal.

There is 1 client who, since I left, has not followed any rules, not cleaned her room(or probably herself too often). She has a boyfriend who they have allowed into her room and a few days ago, they had sex with the door open and one of the other ladies saw the whole thing. Oh, she HAS to leave the door open when he's up there. She has chosen to move out, though her parents will not take her back(yay for them). There is no one there to guide her into adult decisions. I have always treated them like adults and yes, having sex is an adult thing but the way things are handled because of the push for human rights is deplorable. It's all a system and it's a scam. Make money off of these people while pretending to do what's best for them to be productive members of society.

When will we be a society that takes responsibility for the decisions we make?

"You Never Know What's Comin' For Ya"

2010-01-14T12:49:00.003-06:00

2010. Did we ever think it would get here? When I think of where I've been the last 10 years...I'm grateful to be right where I am. I've spent the past 5 years (woohooo!) with the great love of my life, so for that I will be eternally grateful. I really didn't know what I'd write about, but suddenly I've decided to write about where I've been since 2000.

Y2WTF: I remember Y2K vividly. I was working in Wyoming, managing a group home for developmentally disabled adults. I was invited to a new year's party...not exactly where I wanted to be when the world dissolved. Tick Tock...12:01am...whew, we are FINE! At home, I remember life in turmoil because of Brittany's behaviors. I'd bought a trailer home and at least we were on the outskirts of town. I'd been alone for some time and chose to be that way due to Brittany's issues. The biggest thing in the year 2000: I began writing THE PURSE(more on that later)
2001: This was the year Brittany's behaviors were just out of control. I couldn't live life without turmoil. Hardest year of my life. In April, Brittany went to a youth home in Wyoming. I remember the feeling of peace and the weight of everything lifted off my shoulders upon my return home, without her. I felt guilty for feeling so wonderful. Brittany's struggles were plenty this year. In October, she was kicked out of the youth home and sent to a foster home. 2001 was filled with lots of chaos.
2002: I spent alot of time writing THE PURSE, which was a big ole dose of therapy and kept my time filled. I worked as a night supervisor for the same agency and saw Brittany when I could.
Met a woman Sue and decided it was time to try. Sue was different for sure, but she definitely sparked my interest, even though she was much older. She was from Illinois but moving to Wyoming in a few months.
2003: I got a better job in Cheyenne, WY and moved into an apartment. I loved Cheyenne! I still do...so beautiful, so much to see. I loved meeting new friends and learning a new city!
2004: In the fall, I had Brittany for a visit(older posts regarding this) and she made up a story that I had sexually abused her. For 3 months, I made phone call after phone call. Finally it was dropped. Due to this, I thought it would be better for me to move back home to Iowa. My grandmother needed some help, so the timing was perfect. In November, I started chatting with Cindy online(the rest is HERstory!) I moved to Marshalltown, IA in December, 04.
2005: January 8: I met Cindy in person for the first time. I was in love before we met in person. I was so brazen, I walked into the hotel room, went up to her and kissed her right there!! I have NEVER done that before. She was the one I'd been waiting for my whole life. The one who makes me laugh, doesn't judge me no matter how much of a doofus I'm being...yet the one who gives me a swift kick when I need it. Not to mention her gorgeousness. I'm so lucky. I struggled with what to do...stay with my grandmother or Cindy. It was a tough transition, but my grandmother needed more help than I could give. In June, I moved in with Cindy. I had a couple of different jobs but nothing I was content with.
2006: Found a job in Burlington, IA making less money but it was M-F and I loved it. In June, I took Cindy to meet my Dad and stepmom...they loved her and we ended up staying way longer than we planned because they wanted to take us out for supper! HA! Life was good!
2007: March, Brittany showed up on my doorstep for a visit. She'd turned 18 and the foster parents basically threw her out. She thought she was going back to finish school...they didn't want her coming back but didn't have the BALLS to tell me that. They never sent her clothes, things...nothing. I hope karma comes to bite them in the ass...and I hope it's a motherfucker.
Bless Cindy for her strength and undying love and support...always, but especially during this time. 2007 was also the year I lost 2 close friends, my friend Judy from Wyoming who was like a 2nd mother, but more. She didn't take shit off of anyone! And Julie whom I adored. She was a the sister of Cindy's ex. She loved me because I always gave her shit and was good with the comeback lines. She died suddenly of a brain aneurysm at 48. God I miss them both.
2008: May, Brittany graduated! But oh Lordy...it was a struggle, but oh what a day I will never forget. My grandmother June passed away and suddenly, my mother came back into my life after much prodding from me and never giving up no matter how long it took me. After 19 years, getting to know my mother and her me was quite the experience. I also took Cindy to meet her and she loves her too. Did I ever pick the right girl!
2009: What a year. I was promoted at my job and working 2 jobs. The money was great but time was sacrificed with Cindy. Brittany had her own apartment but then lost it. It's a revolving door! In the summer, I reported information that was detrimental to my boss(see older posts) and in November, I was asked to step down. Again, Karma.... In December, I submitted a query for my book THE PURSE to a literary agency and they accepted and are representing me to sell it!
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMIN FOR YA! It could be good or bad or both...but it's one helluva ride!

COME ON 2010.....show me

Let's all have a better year!

The Business of Caring

2009-12-05T13:17:00.002-06:00

Changes have been plenty and sometimes I fear I've been lost in the shuffle. Now that the holiday season is amoung us, I have to sit up and take notice. I do this by looking back and reflecting on where I've been, where I am today and where I want to be. Sometimes these things are the same or overlap.

November 10, 2009, I was asked to step down from my position of "lead Staff" of the house I managed with 3 young women who are developmentally disabled...but higher functioning. To anyone who has read my not-so-recent blogs regarding my "whistleblowing activities" is up to speed on this. Granted, I did have some paperwork that was not completed. In the summer, I was written up on this and I corrected it. From then until November 10, there was nothing brought up to me. This being said however, I believe it was early August when I went to the director of the agency to inform him of wrongdoings reported to me by 3 different staff members from the site next door, which also held 3 clients. I was assured that there was a policy on "no retaliation" and yet I know that confidentiality was broken regarding me being the one who did the reporting. I reported this break to my supervisor's boss.

So fast forward to November 10: I was not technically fired...I was offered 2 different positions that were clearly demotions. Parents of the clients even fought for me in protest, which, I have to feel good about. I chose to resign because I could not bring myself to work for these people any longer. They are backstabbing and vindictive and they covered their tracks well so it would not look like what it really was. So, hey...fine. I do have another job as a back up, where I work independently with clients and I am paid through Medicaid, making a lot more money. I knew I had this to back me up and I would have more time to build up more of a client base. I didn't go out yelling and screaming, becoming that disgruntled employee...although I very easily could have taken that route. I requested an exit interview, took in my notes of what I thought was wrong and let it spill out, very calmly and cooly, I might add. Ranting and raving rarely gets your point across. So after almost 4 years, I was finished and grateful for my decision.

My concern is for the clients that get left behind. What has been done to them is unfair. I've been told by higher up people "oh the clients are used to people coming and going in their lives." Bullshit. I do not buy that for a minute, because we, as human beings, full of emotion and in most cases heart(those who actually have one) never get used to people coming and going in our lives. I recognize the impact I've had on the clients I've worked with. No, I am not bragging or blowing my own horn, but I have seen the progress they have made. Once that happens, they feel damn good about doing better and learning from where they've been. So of course, they understand and form bonds with the very people that spend every day with them through the ups and downs. DUH! It sure as hell ain't the so-called supervisors and managers. It's not the supervisors that teach and care about them. What those people care about is money.

Oh yah. It's a business.

In this case, what is cared about what getting rid of someone who "ruffled" too many feathers. I didn't even recognize this at first, but it all fits together nicely for them.

You know, I'm really okay with my decision. What was hard to take was knowing how difficult this has been on the ladies. One client, I shall call her "C", is very sensitive and has an anxiety disorder. She and I had formed a bond and that is what helped her get through. Oh she was so frustrating at times but she ultimately learned that she alone is responsible for her own happiness or sadness. When I learned I was done, I went back to the house to get my things, C just fell into my arms sobbing and sobbing....which made me do the same, of course. I will never forget that scene. My EX supervisor has told C that she cannot talk about me or have any contact with me. It was C's mom who went to bat for me in protest, though it fell on deaf ears. C's mom called me that night in disbelief. So in the interim process, I called the supervisor that I was going to "think" about it, though I never had any intention of it. If the protest worked, then I would go back out of obligation. So when it didn't come about, I resigned officially. But C's mom called me again and we must have talked for a hour and before we hung up, she says, "Oh I love you, girl!" She is a sweet woman and has had a difficult time with her daughter...and if anyone knows about that, I DO! So...C and other clients are being told, still, they cannot have any contact with me. I can understand this in some ways, because it can help them move on. That being said, I feel there is a different way to do this to help the ladies, especially C. I admit, it's not only the ladies that have the bond. Why not take this bond and use it for something good? Why not give them the support of someone who genuinely cares and is not being "paid" to care? So, I've taken another approach and shown up in public places where I know C is. The first time I did this, she saw me and came running into my arms "JULIE!" We talked and talked and she said "you made my day!" So I've told her that I may just show up somewhere now and then to see her. Today, I received a Christmas card from her! Now that made my day. While I was still working there, I brought my new favorite movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" to watch. C loved it and so I always tell C the quote "You never know what's comin' for you." In the card, today she wrote, "you're right, you never know what's coming for you." It touches me so and I have to feel good. Things have changed at the house, the "supervisors" have come in and changed the ladies' routine and done things differently than I did. That was not necessary and they should have had at least something to count on. Now the 21 year old(now 22) called me the other day as I was a bit daring and sent her a birthday card with my number. She called me crying and crying(she's not a crier) about how awful things were now and it didn't feel like home anymore. It is difficult knowing there is nothing I can do except be supportive and give her someone to talk to.

I've learned over the past 15 or so years that I've been doing this how to work with clients. ALOT of humor and goofiness goes a long way and not ordering them to do things. The most important thing is treating them as adults, not children...giving them respect.

Oh yah. It's a business.

Guess what supervisors and managers: You wouldn't have a business if it weren't for THEM.

Peace!

Rewards Better Than The ALMIGHTY dollar

2009-10-29T22:26:00.003-05:00

Sorry to both my followers that I've been out so long. There's so much to write about some days, it's hard to decide. Tonight, however, I can't help but write.

Several times per year, an organization named PARTNERS (formerly ARC(association for retarded citizens) ) holds dances for persons with disabilities. Of course, the clients I work with always go and look forward to each event. Back in september, I went to a dance, basically because I was working and all 3 of my clients were going. So I was sitting there watching the clients form the train while the dj played "Locomotion", thinking that my ole fishing buddy Mike would love this. He went to every dance and got his picture in the paper several times, leading the train. In a moment, I looked up and I couldn't believe my eyes! It was MIKE! He came over to me the minute he saw me. "Julie! I'm happy to see you, are you happy to see me? You missed my face didn't you?" Thinking of it now, makes me smile. Mike sat down with me and we talked and caught up on things. He looked good, laughing and smiling and talking about his favorite subject: fishing! Mike asked me to dance several dances and then he told me that his sister brought him. I went to talk to his sister and she hugged me and said she was glad to see me. She also told me "Mike was never better than he was when you worked with him. He sure loves you." It was very sweet and it made me remember just how much Mike got to me and how important and special our "relationship" was and is. To know that he is doing well now did my heart good. His sister said that she has been arguing with her siblings about being there for Mike and this turned out to be a good thing that he was sent somewhere else.

TONIGHT: Tonight was the Halloween Dance. I stopped by after working my 2nd job because I had a feeling Mike might be there. He was and 2 sisters were there. They both smiled when they saw me and Mike asked me to dance so many dances. He's a dancin fool that man! His sister even made his costume (a turtle) which won a prize! Oh it was great seeing him again and he told me he is doing well.

I also ran into a case manager that I worked with when I was a case worker before I was promoted in January. She said, "I thought you left completely! What are you doing now?" So I explained that I was managing a "waiver site" home with 3 clients and was promoted in January. She told me "You were so good. You always had good ideas and you were always great with the clients. I am so glad you are still here. You're so good at what you do and that's why you were promoted." I have to take a moment and feel proud, not just of what I've accomplished, but for all the clients I've worked with. Yah there are times when I wished I would do something else, felt burnt out and done with all of it, but it helps me to know there is some purpose for what I do and maybe it's a good thing to make a difference. It's the teaching part that I love. Not everyone can do it, but those that do must give it all you have.

Otherwise why bother doing anything?

Look for something more valuable than money....it will last longer.

Lifestyles of the Whistleblowers and the Mess They Leave Behind...

2009-09-11T08:04:00.003-05:00

Yah it was me that blew the whistle, though I was only the messenger. I reported what was told to me...though if I would have seen any of it, I'd be the first one to report. My "tangled web" post tells the sordid tale of wrongdoing. So here is an update:

A subsequent investigation was done, people were talked to and alas "nothing substantial" was found. My boss and her "friend", the other lead staff person were suspended while the investigation was going on, but of course they both still have their jobs. I think it was just too long ago that it happened, it was too hard to prove. The effects of this are apparent as changes are being made to prevent it from happening again. So there is some good coming from it. I always believe people will end up hanging themselves...Karma will get you in the end.

Part 2 of this saga is interesting.

Before I was promoted I had a coworker that seemed like a friend, at least while at work. She was promoted also, higher than I was. Since then she has treated me badly, in her tone, her attitude and all around demeanor. Since I reported all of this, she was not to know, it's confidential. A couple days ago, she came to see me for something at work and basically let me know that she KNEW it was me that reported it. There is a "no retaliation" policy at work and she told me that, quite snottily. So I decided to talk to my boss's boss who told me to come to her if I felt anything bad happening from this whole ordeal. She was in shock but said she would take care of this. So then she(my co worker) calls me, ordering me to bring in some paperwork...very nasty.

It's a Peyton Place.

I don't want it to be said that I regret what I did. I am a firm believer in reporting what you think is wrong. If you don't, you are just as guilty. If it's true or not, makes no difference.
Nobody ever got anywhere by being silent.

Face(Book)ing Your Past

2009-08-15T08:41:00.002-05:00

Ahhh Facebook. Isn't it the most wonderful thing? Yes, I succumbed to the pressure of joining god knows how many others on this vast universe of internet go-ers.

Facebook is odd. **GASP** yah, I said it.

I recently found my first boyfriend. Ahh I was 21 and he was 16. If ONLY I knew then what I know now...LOL if HE only knew then what I am guessing he knows now! I say first boyfriend, and he was the first real so-called relationship I had. He has been married twice, has 3 kids, mostly grown now. One of them actually has the same birthdate as Brittany, only a year younger. I think I saw him when Brittany was a baby. It is weird. I think about myself back then....how I could have been stuck with this life...with him. Not that he was bad, but he wasn't all that great. A cheater. He struck up a chat with me on facebook and said "careful what you say. SHE gets on here under my name alot." WHAT? Whatever that's about, I don't care. If his wife only knew she had absolutely nothing to fear from me...the one old girlfriend she should be happy about LOL I saw a picture of his wife and let me just say.....OMG I am sure she is older than he is and maybe there was such slim pickens for him. I dunno. I guess and old girlfriend who turned out to be a flaming lesbian ain't so bad! She has a resemblence to Susan Boyle, although Susan looks MUCH better. In a way, I wish Susan had not gotten a makeover....but I digress.....

One thing that bores me about Facebook PEOPLE is that they want SO damn bad for you to accept them as your "friend" but then they never talk to you again! So I've been deleting those people. Seems like alot of my family is on facebook now. That is pretty interesting....I like having that access.

I don't understand MAFIA WARS that everyone is playing. I don't get FARMVILLE. And what's the point of sending drinks to someone...I want the real thing dammit. Hearts and Hugs...oooh collect them all!

KMAE....look me up, YOU I will always talk to! YAY!

Peace to Everyone!

The Tangled Web...

2009-08-15T08:25:00.002-05:00

Gosh, it's been quite awhile since I've written. Now I've got a doozy....

I've been working in my chosen field for almost 15 years now, working with developmentally disabled and lord knows how I love those people. I've seen alot....good and bad. It's the good that keeps me coming back. Somehow I always get roped into calling out the people who do the bad.

So recently, I've had 3 different staff members come to me and talk to me about another employee's (and in addition, my boss ) misuse of client money and verbal abuse. How it makes me ill. Of course, these things happened who knows how long ago....within the past year, but they could still be going on. Client's paying for staff's groceries, lunches...god knows what else. Not to mention my boss verbally abusing clients. So I did what I had to do...what others SHOULD have done long ago. I went to the director of the agency and reported it. Like other places, there is a "click" in management that has covered up these things. So I did not follow chain of command. Soon there will be an investigation and who knows what will happen. I am not sure anything can be proven at this late date, but at least people know now, who will do something. Evil is all over...even when people are pretending they are doing good.

I guess that's the most evil of all.....

Mike the Fisherman

2009-06-23T20:40:00.002-05:00

I'm taking some time today talk about my favorite fishing buddy. I worked with Mike for 3 years and he was someone I'll never forget. Yes, Mike was developmentally disabled and also autistic. Mike's passion will always be fishing. Mike and I would always talk about fishing...all year round believe it or not. He knew so much about fishing. If someone pulled a fish out of the water, he knew exactly what kind of fish it was. He had all kinds of new sayings I always adopted. He would say "Oh I specks and 'spose everyone will be down at the river." He had a bunch of fishing buddies that he always fished with, they would look out for each other. It was like a 2nd family to Mike and I really understood what drew him down there. I was lucky enough to meet them and they took me in too whenever I would go fishing with Mike.

To work on Mike's and my "relationship" I would pretend I knew nothing about fishing and Mike took on the role of my teacher. It really ignited a spark in him to be showing me how to cast, fix my line and how to "play with the fish before you snag 'em". He even helped me pick out my new fishing pole. Mike and I became quite close. He hugged me a couple of times and people told me they've never seem him show emotion like that. I feel grateful for the time we shared and the progress he made. He would not clean his house and so I suggested that he and I clean together, him doing one room and me doing the other. Pretty soon, he would hurry and clean before he knew I was coming over, to impress me. As soon as I walked in, he would say "What do you think of the kitchen Julie? Doesn't it look nice and clean?" I felt so proud of him.

Time stands still for no one. I made a decision to take this new job, in January. It paid more and had more responsibility. Change is difficult for people like Mike. I tried to ease away from Mike, but it was not easy. He showed up a couple of times at my new job saying "I just missed you Julie." Do they ever know how to rip your heart out. So Mike started going downhill. Mike also has an "impulse" disorder, where he gets angry really fast and has hit people out in the community and though it doesn't happen often, 3 weeks ago, he was about arrested and had to go to court and pay a fine. THese were no kind of consequences for him, which is really what he needed. So I was asked to come back and work with him temporarily, to see if it would help. It didn't happen because he had another incident and on Thursday, he was committed into the psych ward at the hospital, on the day of his sister's funeral. I hurt for Mike and God knows I miss him so much. I found him at the river 1 week ago and we fished for 2-3 hours. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see him. He'd always ask me questions with "isn't that right, Julie?" His humor will always be with me and I hope the best for him...but more than that I feel so blessed that our paths crossed and we were a part of each other's lives.

I know he changed mine.

Sunday Rant

2009-06-14T07:48:00.002-05:00

Greed is NOT good. I don't care what anyone says, it brings out the darkness in the human soul. Of course, I am convinced, those who enter that darkness have no soul. Oh sure, maybe everyone is a little greedy about money, especially when you don't have any.

I've been without money most of my life. Sure, I always want more money, but I would not take advantage of someone else who has nothing to get it.

I used to have a client, let's call him Harry. Harry is developmentally disabled and probably in his 50s. He has 2 sisters, one lives next door to him and has her moments of greediness toward Harry. One Christmas, she tells Harry if has money left over from buying her gift, that she wants the money. I told Harry, "well guess what? You are spending every penny." It just disgusted me. Harry has another sister who never sees him, ever. In fact, she visits their sister next door, but NEVER sees Harry. Harry spends money buying her kids presents for Christmas. I asked him once when I noticed she was next door, "doesn't she ever come see you?" He says, "no she never does." Fast forward to now. Harry received notice from Social Security that he should have been receiving payments since 1977! Social Security sent Harry over $100,000. SInce our agency is his payee, a lawyer was contacted and much of the money will be put in a medical trust, as he is diabetic. Gee who should suddenly make contact and act like she cares? That's right, the sister from the woodwork. She wants Harry to pay for a vacation for all of them. WTF?

I cannot even continue talking about it...it makes me that angry. I am again convinced that it is MONEY that is the root of ALL evil. It is the very thing that motivates people. Many times that is a good thing and you learn a few lessons along the way of your quest to be rich. I suppose rich people have these issues all the time...people coming out of the woodwork once they know you've got money.

Whenever our time is through...it won't matter how much money, how many possessions or what connections we have.

You can't take it with you.

Formula 44

2009-05-26T20:33:00.002-05:00

Well...May 24th I turned 44 years old. I'm taking a hint from my twin KMAE and decided to talk about the blessings and struggles I've endured. Not a long essay, although I could easily slip into something wordy, but listing the good and the bad and lord knows we cannot forget, the ugly.

Living through parents divorce

THE 70s (wish I was older!)

Going to FRANCE in high school

Going to Washington D.C. in 8th grade

Learning to cook with Mom

Making Breakfast for my dad

Graduation (high school)...finding out my dad was there watching all along

Birth of my daughter

Being shut out by my mother

Meeting and falling in love with a woman, Teri

Experiencing the downfall of love and mental illness

COMING OUT

TO ALL THE GIRLS I"VE LOVED BEFORE....and all the men I didn't

Graduation from COLLEGE

First time I worked with developmentally disabled adults....and made a breakthrough

Coming out of my shell

Living Loving and Learning

Are women really THAT psychotic?

Sending my daughter to foster parents....most devastating, but somehow liberating

Writing my first novel and losing myself

Loving an alcoholic....and leaving

New friends...

Moving to Wyoming

Moving to Cheyenne...new friends and FRESH AIR

Crazy world of Sue

Moving back home with Grandma

TALKING ONLINE WITH CINDY....yummO!

MEETING CINDY!!!!! DELISH!

Is it Cindy or stay with Grandma?

IT'S CINDY!

Experiencing REAL love and foreverness with the girl of my dreams

My dad asking for a hug from my girlfriend!

Brittany showing up on my doorstep

Brittany's GRADUATION

OIL and WATER don't mix, they fester

Grandma June passed

My mother came alive again

Mom hugging my girlfriend

Mom meeting Brittany

Mom giving me money for my birthday and saying "I LOVE YOU"

Being in love for 4 1/2 years and never once questioning what's been given to me......

I've learned lessons and understood it's really true..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger"

I've walked the rocky path, tripped and fallen, thinking the walk just wasn't worth it...but now I can see why I fell.

Life.
Bring it on

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T08:52:00.002-05:00

And is it ever an interesting one! It's been about a year now since I've been in communication with my mom. It just keeps getting better and I guess a part of me is still baffled by it all.

Cindy and Brittany and I went on Wednesday to have lunch with her. We were passing through town on our way to see my Dad to return extra flooring from the remodel. It was amazing and fun. I could spend all day trying to catch up with her...it was 20 years after all. She gave me $100 for my birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US ON MAY 24th KMAE) for a bread machine! I'm sure I got my love of cooking from my mother. Inside the card for my birthday, she wrote,, "my heart is always with you."
I still have not spoken to my stepfather...apparently he is not ready yet. I do not even know why for sure. My mother always meets me somewhere and I am hopeful one day we will talk and we can have regular visits at the house. I did some bad things when I was younger but probably not what he thinks I've done. Mostly I lied....I've admitted those things to my mother. I think those were the reasons she did what she did...it's just that my grandmother perpetuated things. I told her it was awful that we didn't fight harder to find out the truth long ago.

But we are where we are...a place I never expected to be, but on this Mother's Day, I am forever grateful I didn't give up.

Bride & Prejudice

2009-04-05T07:47:00.003-05:00

Congratulations to the state of Iowa, my state, for doing what should have never been in question to begin with. Iowa has legalized gay marriage by striking down the gay marriage BAN. Every time this happens somewhere, I always know it will not last as the religious right will have their way. An article I read yesterday says that this time, it will likely not even be brought up by the opposition for quite some time. But we know it will. What is even more shocking, is it was a UNANIMOUS vote.

When the religious folks start in with their hate filled words, I also realize they have the right to say what they want to. What I always think about is...what if their son or daughter came to them and told them they were gay? What would they do or say? I thought of that when that bimbo sarah palin paraded her family on the stage during the campaign. Yah I said bimbo. It's Sunday, so I am being nice. To me, this is the way I am and we've all tried the other way to appease society and our families. It's not honest and I truly believe God had to have made us this way for a reason. I believe this too for all of the disabled people I've worked with. There will always be those who let their fear of the unknown control their soul. I went to a conference for work and I adored the speaker, Dr Al Condelucci. He talked about his cousin who had Down's Syndrome, that he grew up with. He didn't even realize there was such prejudice until he was outside of his family. He said "Once you get to know someone who is different than you, it is difficult to hold that same prejudice." I truly believe that. It is easier to sit back and judge than to go into unchartered territory.

That being said...for me personally, I will not get married, but I think it should not be up to the government to dictate who marries whom. What's important is the legalities of it. How many times have we been denied seeing our loved ones or being left with nothing after our partners die? I am happy the way I am and Cindy and I have discussed this at length. For us, we won't do it, but agree it should be legal for those who want to and believe in it.

So Good for IOWA. Hopefully it's a trend of what's to come.
Tune in Tomorrow

The 9th Wonder...

2009-03-21T12:22:00.004-05:00

It's good to be surprised. Really good. I feel pretty proud of that kid of mine. That is NOT to say that I've let my guard down, but I can say I am surprised.

Toward the end of February, Brittany moved into her first apartment. It was a struggle because I had to come of with the security deposit and I wasn't sure how things were going to go. She can barely afford it, but she is struggling like anyone else....so I consider that an improvement. She's paid her rent (barely) but isn't that the case with anyone. She has not depended on me for money, but I've helped her when I could. I've always felt, up til now, that she has needed help and she would not be able to live on her own. But she is. She told me "I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do." Tuesday March 17th was her 20th birthday. Hard to believe, for sure. Of course, there are things she is still struggling with...making good choices regarding boyfriends...but hey that is normal. Well not the boyfriends part LOL It takes a lifetime to weed out the bad ones.
My mom even bought Brittany a walmart gift card for $50. So I took her shopping yesterday and she spent it on stuff for her apartment. It might actually work out! She's done good and I told her that too.

In other news: I went to the Dr due to pain and swelling around my elbow. It appears I have "tennis elbow" without actually playing tennis. It's a sore SOB. I was supposed to have a shot of cortesone but nixed it. I also have carpel tunnel in both hands, but I've lived with it for so long now...blahblahblah

Just a short word...I will miss Natasha Richardson. If you want to see an awesome movie, watch EVENING. Beautifully done with Natasha and her mom actually playing mother and daughter. Such a tragedy.

Let it be a lesson. Life. Don't miss out on it.

Mama, She's Lazy

2009-03-12T20:31:00.004-05:00

Okay, so now I've gone for too long without complaining about the disgusting habits of everyday people. Yah, I live in the midwest and there is a different tone here, I guess, than in the big cities...but you know, I really think it's everywhere. And it's not just Walmart.

What am I talking about? The laziness of Americans. What has happened to us when we cannot find our clothes to go out in and we just figure our pajamas are okay to shop in? Not just the pajama bottoms...but slippers too! Don't get me started on all of the HUGE women who wear NO bra. I'm no small chick myself and I've been known to but on sweats and a huge sweatshirt to drive my daughter home or to work, where I'm not getting out of the car. Kmae, if you've done this, you are forgiven! LOL
I suppose it's the "trashy" side of people now, but I've really noticed ALOT of things going down hill with our society.

What happened to common sense? It has really died a horrible death. Tragic. You see it in customer service people, fast food places, retail...it's everywhere. People are not held accountable for the job they do every day. This is an excuse-laden society. We've gotten too good at the excuses.

People talk about the economy being bad. Yah it's hard. Yah it's tough but what happened to taking some pride in yourself and being an example to those who follow us?
I know I'm going to do better just in case someone cares.

A New Day

2009-02-28T07:06:00.002-06:00

Here is the day I wondered would ever come. Brittany now is living in her own apartment. She has a pretty decent place. I had to pay the deposit on it and God I hope she can swing it. It is kind of fun getting her set up with stuff. Luckily, I'd been saving things for her.

I've been doing nothing but working lately, but I have started writing my next book and I am excited about that. My mind is spinning with ideas and storylines. I talk it through with Cindy, though she doesn't like fiction. I find that so strange! I let my mom read my first book and she loved it, saying she was impressed that I wrote it. As time goes on, I am still amazed at how things have turned around with my mom. After nearly 20 years, we are having the relationship I always dreamed of having. She called me on her birthday and said "I love you" before she hung up. I was so stunned...hearing those words from her mouth...I know I never thought it would be like this. She calls me quite frequently and we write almost every week, send cards to each other. I am so grateful for whatever stars aligned themselves to allow this to happen...especially at this time in my life. There is alot I don't understand about what led up to this point...like why didn't she fight harder to find out the truth? But...I accept things as they are and that makes me appreciate the time we have.

If anyone wants to see a good movie, see BONNEVILLE. yah it's a chick movie...but I'm a chick!
One of my clients, Khyla, lent me the dvd "The family that Preys"....a Tyler Perry movie that he's actually in and damn was it good! I was surprised. Khyla is black and all her movies are black actors lol I am glad that Sean Penn won for MILK, though I've not seen it. I loved his acceptance speech at the Oscars. I've always believed he should have won for I AM SAM. I adore that movie but it tears me up so much, I cannot watch it anymore!

Cindy tells me we are going to remodel the kitchen and bathroom. What fun! LOL
Bring on the SPRING!
I can't wait to be out in the back yard!!

It's a Weird Life

2009-01-24T19:09:00.003-06:00

What is it with kids growing up? I question myself helping Brittany the way I am. She got herself into her own mess, I keep telling her that. I have not allowed her back home and besides, she would lose her medical and such. There is nowhere for her to go. Last night she spent her entire paycheck on a motel room for the week. And again, she is depending on me to figure this out for her. Granted, I know a little more about what's around, but I don't know what to do either. She only has a part time job. I feel so at odds and I just wish there was something to help her. I guess I have to do what I'm doing and keep trying to find a solution. If she were like other 20yr olds, it would be different, she might be able to get a better job.

One day it will come together

Just a Quickie

2009-01-19T21:42:00.002-06:00

I am back by popular demand! As you can see, there is a new addition: BellaMae.
She was Cindy's idea, even though it was my turn to have a cat...my girl cut ahead in line and took an extra turn! What can I do? She's so cute, I can't resist! I mean my girl, not BellaMae! I will be glad when she gets fixed, so Odie won't be attacking her from behind trying to get his groove on. She is 4 years old and we are trying to housebreak her as she was always in a kennel used for breeding purposes. Oh the joy!

As far as Brittany is concerned...Last Friday, I paid for a motel room for her. Just one week, then she has figure it out for herself. It is the hardest thing. I don't want to think about her on the street, but she has to learn the nature of consequences for her actions and the decisions she makes. Interesting that my mom called me tonight. I am always grateful for a second chance at this relationship, it means so much. She says, "you don't think I worried about you? Every day." I told her at times I thought maybe she didn't, but now that I am going through this, I understand why she did what she did. She told me "It was the hardest thing I've ever done or ever will do in my entire life. But I knew I had to." I know that is what drove me even harder to depend on myself. It's a good lesson that Brittany needs to learn. Brittany is mad right now because she wants to do laundry here and we are having plumbing issues. She does not care and does not want to spend her cash on the coin washer/dryer at the motel. AHEM Cash which I gave her, by the way! We shall see what happens...but I have to stick to my guns, I know that.

There is a reason they call it tough love.

It ain't for sissies.

Hello Trouble, My Name is BellaMae

2009-01-19T21:38:00.002-06:00

Drama Queen...

2009-01-14T21:22:00.002-06:00

...Feel the beat from my sanity that I've never seen.

Well, it happened. I knew it would. Brittany called today telling me...(can we all say it together?) "they kicked me out and I have nowhere to go."

Of course, I reminded her of what I told her when she left. I was not letting her come back. Now Cindy did not have the faith that I would stick to it...she was sure I would buckle under the pressure. I stuck to my guns, but god did it rip my heart out. I told her I would not let her come back, but I would help her find a place. I suggested a motel room to rent for the week. I would help her help herself. I can't just say no and do nothing. She felt better as I suggested to COMMUNICATE and talk to the lady where she was living, explain that she didn't have a place to stay and could she stay for another week. So she did and it worked. So Friday I am taking her to look for a place and help her as much as I can.

In the meantime...Cindy decided we needed another dog for Odie. She is a pure bred boston terrier. Cindy named her Bella Mae. She was a breeder dog. The first day, she took every one of Odie's toys and piled them up at the front door. She took over the house from Odie. Too funny. She wasn't taking any shit from a man. Cindy's mom bought Odie a stuffed Beaver (some fun lesbian jokes here!). I had to laugh as I said, "Well Bella is home. She is in the bedroom chewing on the beaver!" That's our girl!

Odie, who is fixed...has been trying to hump her(as she is not fixed yet, but early Feb), but she won't stand still long enough! You go grrl

Fun times

Happy Flippin' New Year

2009-01-09T07:04:00.002-06:00

Greetings!

It has been awhile since I've been here, but nonetheless, here I am. Am I ever so glad the holidays are over. I still don't understand why it gets so crazy and everyone is in HYPER mode, but what I don't know about things could fill the universe.

Brittany left New Year's Day. Yup, moved out after getting crazy hysterical mad about her cell phone not working. She did not care about anything else, yelling at both Cindy and I, screaming that she didn't care. Just plain disrespectful and rude. Then she yelled she was leaving and gave me her key. I told her we were not playing this game. So she left for work and never came back that night, though I left the door open just in case. She called the next day to say she was living with some people, "friends" as she calls them. I told her she was not coming back to live, that was it. Especially after Cindy and I turned our lives upside down back in October to allow her back in. She did not apologize but just said she was mad about her phone. The biggest thing that happened to make this all occur is that Cindy and I found the charm bracelet that my MOM had given her in the couch. Brittany lost it not long after my mom had given it to her and I had been looking for it. So I finally found it and Brittany was so mad about the phone she said "I DON"T CARE!" That's when Cindy lost it. So I am keeping it for her. The next day, Brittany asked for it back and I told her I would just keep it for her. "I was just mad." I told her that is no excuse for treating people like crap. There are consequences for your actions, the things you do and say.
I don't know if she will ever learn that.

Now she calls to tell me she has a 34 year old boyfriend, who is living with her with these "friends". It's an older couple and the boyfriend's mother and stepdad.

So now I have to let go and do that "tough love". It will be tough if she burns all of her bridges and has nowhere to go. But I have to.

I spent over an hour talking to my mom last night. If there is one event that made me grateful for 2008...it's my mom. It's sad that my grandmother had to die to make it happen, but considering the type of person she was and the damage she inflicted...it is peaceful she is gone.

Peace out

The Best Holiday Treat

2008-11-29T08:31:00.002-06:00

I still wonder if I am dreaming or I am some old Twilight Zone episode...
Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, Brittany and I drove to see my mother. We were meeting at a mexican restaurant. My mom didn't know for sure Brittany was able to come, so it was an exciting moment when my mom walked in. We stood side by side and she grinned, "she looks just like you!" Brittany went to shake her hand and my mom said, "how about a hug!?" So they hugged and all I could do was smile and I about cried! So there we were, 3 generations. It was awesome, no matter what's happened before. We talked about so many things that suddenly almost 2 hours had gone by. She also gave me some old pictures of me as a child and they were funny to look through. We also talked about the goofy things I did, getting myself in trouble as a child. Brittany got a big kick out of that! I could have never dreamed things could go so well. We agreed that no more time should go by and I think we are grateful for the way things have happened. It feels so good and for the first time in twenty years, I feel complete having both my parents. This is the first holiday I've been able to see both of them and it's hard to describe how good it feels.

Brittany really likes her and I think it feels strange to her having another grandma. I think my mom really wanted to have this happen long ago and she, too, has missed out.

It just goes to show you never know how things will come to be. I am so thankful for it all.

The WOW Factor

2008-11-09T07:55:00.002-06:00

It has been a WOW kind of year. It is beyond words...the good, the bad and the ugly.
Things still get better with my mom...those words alone I never thought I would put together into a sentence. We exchange cards and letters almost every week. She sends me things in the mail. It is apparent to me that she has really missed me over the years and was wanting this relationship. I still sit in amazement that it is going in this direction. My boss said something to me and I think it might be true. "Because you are standing by Brittany...she won't have that WOW factor."

I've also put in for a new job and I am hopeful. It's another $1/hr and the hours are better and it's more supervisory. I worked with one of my clients, Khyla, yesterday for my 2nd job that's called CDAC(consumer directed assistant care) where I do things around the house and with her that she is not capable of or needs help with(shopping, hygiene, chores around the house). I make over $11/hr doing that so anytime I can do it, I will. I have so much respect for Khyla's mom, as she is outspoken and does whatever she has to for her daughter. I think that is why we click so well. Khyla is a bit lower functioning but she is capable of so much, if she has the right motivation and guidance. I have been accused of expecting too much from my clients. I think we should all expect more and be challenged everyday. Alot of my clients were not challenged and other workers have said "well they've always been that way and there is nothing you can do about it." I beg to differ. Khyla's mom told me, "I want her challenged everyday to think for herself and do for herself, as much as she can." Khyla's mom has told me that since I've been working with Khyla, she is doing more and thinking more about what she should be doing, when I am not around. She told me, "she never ever did that before." So I can feel good about that.
I had a great conversation with Khyla's mom yesterday about Obama. Khyla and her family are black and I only mention this because of our conversation. I said "Isn't it great that he won?"
She says, "Yes I am glad he won, but more than that, I just fell in love with the MAN and I really don't care that he's black. If you are a good decent person, I don't care what color you are. And now people are saying that it's such an accomplishment because he's part white too. What the hell? Why does that make it an accomplishment? Big deal. For me, it's more about the man."

For me, that says it all.

I just hope he's for real.

IOWA even voted OBAMA....Iowa is always a republican state...that says alot right there.

That's my WOW factor for today.

Revelation Day

2008-10-26T08:01:00.003-05:00

Here I sit, still in amazement that events have happened the way they have. Yesterday was a definite lesson in how important it is not to let time slip away.

Yesterday was the day my mother and Brittany were to meet for the first time. Brittany has a job now (YAY) so she had to work. I decided to go anyway, hoping this would give an opportunity for my mom and I to really talk. And did we ever. We spent 3 hours talking and sharing a meal, even had pie. Through all of our talking we discovered that my grandmother spent much of her time alive destroying our relationship and making sure we never spoke. My grandmother said awful hurtful things to my mother and told her flat out lies about me over the years, such as Brittany had AIDS and that was why she had so many problems and I graduated from college with a degree in Bowling which welfare paid for. I told my mother that just showed what she didn't know about AIDS since Brittany's problems are mental. The big one though was that I told her that my stepfather beat me and my brother and my mother too. When I was in high school, my grandmother got drunk and asked me if he ever "touched" me. I remember being shocked by the question and I said "no, of course not!" But she went on for years telling my mother all about being with a child abuser. So it's no wonder he doesn't want to see me. Hopefully that will change now, because he's really a good guy, especially to have to put up with all the bullshit.
My mother also bought a bracelet for Brittany and a journal book for Cindy. I think she loves Cindy which is something I never expected with the whole gay thing. I guess I am surprised she's so at ease with me being gay. She asked me questions and I answered them and it was so nice.
It's a lesson in communication and the lack thereof.

And guess who's moved back in? Yup. Brittany. I feel awful, but the kid didn't have anywhere to go because her latest roommates got drunk (even the 15yr old) and kicked her out. They even stole from her, what little she had. The people she originally moved in with didn't have the room any longer, so Brittany was crying and telling me she didn't have anywhere else to go. What could I do? Cindy is not happy about it, for sure, but there will be stipulations and conditions. At least she has a job. That is something anyway and I am going to help her get an apartment...like low income housing or something.

So all of this in one day.

I hope today is peaceful!

Just When I Thought I Could Breathe...

2008-10-12T19:30:00.002-05:00

Posting twice in one weekend.....I must be mad. Actually I'm sort of beyond that now, but damned if I am not learning another one of life's lovely(sarcasm) lessons.
Brittany called me(what else?) and asked if I had boxes....as IF I didn't figure out what she wanted them for. Maybe I should be grateful she didn't ask to come back, but I know that wouldn't happen. I think, "okay, I'll bite." I ask her why and she tells me she is moving. I ask "where?" She tells me she is moving in with a boyfriend. I said "WHAT?" It's this same damn kid that's 15 and lives with his mom. I do not know if that is where she is moving or he is getting an apartment. Brittany has broken up with this kid at least 4 times and the last I knew she wasn't with anyone. I say this to her and she says, "I wasn't, til last night." Great.

Then she asks me, "What are you getting so mad about?"

Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's watching my disabled daughter make decisions that will only cause more trouble. Hmmm no that couldn't be it.

I guess I am grateful she is on birth control. I don't know if things have gotten bad with these people she's been living with and she has to have a place to go. I ask her, "how are you going to support yourself and make a living?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

This is hard to watch. I know there is not a thing I can do and I remember myself at that age thinking, "oh I'll think about it later." Now it just creeps me out. But Brittany is not like other kids her age making bad decisions. I think that I could deal with that a little better. Knowing how she comes to make these decisions drives me crazy. Brittany just wants to bounce from home to home...any place where she has no rules. Then I think...why would she have rules...she's an adult right? That's what everyone else thinks, but I know in her mind she is in no way an adult.

Where's my rum?

Blessings

2008-10-11T08:55:00.003-05:00

I'm over with all the politics. I'm over with thinking of all the things that make me angry....let's just say for this entry, I'm over it.

For now, I am reflective of the things that have happened in my life this year. It seems like in the past, my whole world was revolved around finding my true love and until Cindy, that part of my life was always in turmoil. Now that I am settled, other parts of my life have taken center stage. Maybe it's because I am settled with Cindy that I've focused more on family. If someone would have told me at the beginning of the year that I would again have a relationship with my mother, I would have said, "yah whatever." Though I realize there is much to get through with my mother, it feels good to have her in my life again. Good, yet very surreal. My mother and I now exchange letters, cards and even recipes! I think she has missed me in her life and having someone to write to, talk to and see. Currently, we are planning to get together with Brittany. She has not met Brittany and I know she must be curious. In her last letter, she wrote, "Tell Cindy and Brittany, too, hello." Cindy certainly won her over and though 98% of my thought she would...I'm still not entirely sure what she thinks of me, so it's a big deal.

So I am counting my blessings for now. Brittany even came over apologizing for "everything" as she put it. She said she had been thinking of her whole life and felt sorry for things. Who knows how long this will last but I hope she can see things differently. She is anxious to meet her "grandma". It will be an interesting moment, that is for sure.

I know I could spend alot of time angry for the past 19 years of Brittany's life without her and my life without her, but I've put that aside. I know the person I was all those years ago and she had her reasons. I would not have made the same decision because I know the effect her decision had on my life. That being said, I know her decision made me a stronger person. The people that have abandoned me in my life only helped to strengthen my resolve, especially with all I've been through with Brittany. No one else can take credit for the good things that have happened to me. My core beliefs and the person I am today have alot to do with my mother and the way she raised me....but it's what you do with it that counts. I'm a different person than my mother. I am more outspoken and honest than she is. When I say honest, I mean forthcoming in letting people know what I think, what I feel. Too many times, I've not said what I feel or think and then the moment is gone.

Not to mention, I am RELENTLESS!

As a sidenote: Cindy and I are going to a psychic next Saturday, just for fun. I am anxious to hear what she has to say. People may say it's hokey(not pokey) but my coworker Amanda went and the things she told her are coming true in a creepy way.
I will keep both my readers updated!

Have a peaceful blessful day

The Ugliness of the "T" Word

2008-10-05T16:46:00.002-05:00

While I am not the most politically involved person, I found myself curious about the Vice Presidential debate. Granted, I did not stick around for the entire thing and am so glad I didn't. Our country is in a mess. Who knows if we will ever recover. There is so much I don't understand and even more that I am at odds with. One thing though, that I understood loud and clear from both sides is our government holds no value for many of us as gay americans. Oh sure, like that's a new statement. It's not. If you are gay, you are good enough to pay taxes but not good enough to have the same rights as other so-called americans.

I had read about Palin's church and how they have a program to "pray away the gay" as I call it, so that already turned me off)though I've never been a Republican and never will I am sure. When I hear straight people say that dreaded T word (Tolerance), I just cringe. Others may feel that is the most appropriate word, but I think it's the ugliest nastiest word to use. I suppose black americans have felt the same their whole history. It's saying...I "tolerate" you but you are not good enough to be like me. It's like just "putting up" with someone because they are there. I guess I should not be so angry because it's something that will most likely never change. I guess I should feel good that the democrats want to "allow" civil rights to a same sex partnership but not marriage. As I have stated previously, I do not want marriage for myself but in no way do I think the government should be able to tell a person who they can be with or marry. Then Biden says that should be left up to "faith". That is where the whole thing goes awry for me. I can call myself "spiritually religious" and feel good about it. I told Cindy that the question should have been posed to both sides, "what if one of your children came to you and told you they were gay?" What would your response be? Maybe their answer would be the same. And maybe they would take a little more time to think before they "tolerate" us. I really believe that none of this should even be talked about in a political arena, but it has to be because we have no rights.

Maybe if children didn't have the straight world shoved down their throat from the beginning, it wouldn't be such a traumatic thing later on. Maybe then we all wouldn't have to waste half our lives living a life we were never meant to live.

They are tolerant of us. I beg to differ...I believe it is us that is tolerating them.

But why does it always have to be US vs. THEM?

Thank you. I have approved this message.

Life On The INSIDE

2008-09-03T10:15:00.004-05:00

YES. Here is our new addition. ODIE is part standard schnauzer and part Miniature Poodle. He is 2 years old and adorable!
It's weird. It seems like forever since I've written. yah stuff happened. And it's still happening. Guess that's life for ya.
August was an odd month for me. I had planned to attend my 25th high school reunion. My friend and I were going to go until I got the invite saying it was $33/person. All this for mostly people I didn't know. There were over 800 people in my class and I maybe knew 5 well. None of which I've kept in much contact except for my friend Mariann, whom I've known since we were 12. So we decided to just hang out. She and her common law man LOL and Cindy and I. They had never met Cindy so it was a good opportunity.
Something else going on was about my mother. I'd written several times since I talked with her at my grandmother's memorial in May. There had been no response. But I kept writing. So the last time, I decided to email, which I got from the jokes my aunt had sent me. My mother lives in the same city I grew up in and hence, the same city where the reunion was. The first weekend I wanted to stop by and see her and she actually called me. It's the first phone call in over 20 yrs. It was awesome. So then the next weekend was the actual reunion weekend. I knew Cindy would be with me. I thought, well...might as well see if she is willing to meet Cindy. So I sent her another email the next week. She said she'd like to meet Cindy....BUT could she just meet us somewhere? I'm thinking this has more to do with my stepfather than anything. so we set it up to meet at a bar/grill called "THE FILLING STATION". Mariann ended up tagging along which I was not thrilled about. The girl does NOT take a hint well. It was nice introducing Cindy to her and funny to me that Mariann is really really gray and my mother says to me, "I suppose you dye your hair." I said, "no, I never have." I guess people think I should be totally gray by now!
So we had appetizers and tea and lemonade. My mother even asked how Cindy and I met and actually wanted to know. She made conversation and it was not awkward at all like I was expecting. I think she was even surprised herself. But that's my girl Cindy for you! She is a charmer.
Know what's the kicker? A few days later in the mail, Cindy and I both got cards from my mother saying what a good time she had and Cindy seems so nice and friendly! Who knows where it all will go, but it's a good thing and long overdue. I am trying to have Brittany and I venture there to meet some Saturday as I know she wants to meet her and vice versa.
So life seems pretty fair now. Brittany is going today for an appt for birth control. YAY. Finally. I just wish she didn't have to have it! LOL those days are gone.
Cindy and I are going on vacation soon to Cheyenne WY to a friend's wedding and then back to the cabin in Clear Lake IA. Odie is joining us, so THAT should be interesting!

Peace in the valley

From Hell to Fun in a Flash

2008-07-04T15:11:00.003-05:00

What follows is a fun time for me.

On Sunday, June 29...I was going to head to Des Moines with 2 of my co-workers and 2 other women from another department to attend a conference on brain injury. So the 5 of us were taking a company car, a mini van. Now the agency paid for the gas going there and 2 hotel rooms, plus the registration fee for the seminar. Now I did not know the 2 women from the other department, but my coworkers did somewhat. One of the women, whom I will call Mandy is probably in her late 30s and quite a large woman(maybe 300-400lbs). She'd wanted to visit Pella, Iowa(a little town known for tulips and "a touch of Holland"). I, along with my coworkers spoke out against it. I stated that I did not feel we should make any other trips with a company vehicle/gas. Not to mention, the agency was paying for our time away from work. So then it was decided to skip it on the way there. Once we got to Des Moines, the 2 women, Mandy and Lisa, wanted to go to Red Lobster and charge the agency for their dinner. My 2 coworkers, Missy and Andrea agreed with me in that we did not want to go to Red Lobster as we could not afford it. Missy and Andrea talked about telling Mandy flat out that we could not go there, but when Mandy came to our room, they buckled. Andrea knows my personality and I think was depending on me spouting off. That's me, I am not shy about saying what I think. So I told Mandy we did not want to go to Red Lobster because we couldn't afford it and they could drop us off somewhere else if they wanted to go. No, they decided to go with us for chinese. Lisa did not like chinese and Mandy didn't like steak or beef (but likes pot roast...how messed up is that). So we discovered the chinese place did not have any american food so Lisa got cheesecake. Later she went to Texas road house and got a big meal that I would be surprised if she got that paid for since there is an approved dollar amount. Let me mention also that Mandy drove there to Des Moines and is a crazy ass driver. She never used a signal or even cruise control and was speeding. We were having a fit. We decided we were not going to let her drive on the way back.

So the next day, we had the seminar all day until 4pm. Andrea says to me, "I'm sure you won't have any trouble telling her she's not driving." LOL I said "no not at all." So I say to Mandy, "we think one of us should drive back." Mandy says "Oh I don't mind." She wasn't going to let me be nice about it. So I say "Well we mind." Mandy says to me jokingly, "So are you saying my driving scares you?" I hold up my thumb and forefinger just a little ways apart and say "just a little," and raise my forefinger wider. Missy and Andrea are dying laughing and Missy is actually turning red. Once we get to the van, Mandy turns to me saying, "well since I'm not driving can I still sit in the front?" (she gets car sick). So I say "sure". Then she barks, "are we still going to Pella because I know what I want and I can just get it and be done." I'm thinking...guess I better not piss her off too much. So we were overtaken and went to Pella with Missy driving.

Now...most everyone I work with at least in my department, knows I am gay. I kind of figured that these 2 women did not know. You know, I can't help but have a little fun with people whom I have to assume are uncomfortable with gayness. Of course the whole way I made several gay jokes, mostly at Missy's expense cuz it's fun...ya know talking about her hubby being gay blahblah blah...he isn't but it's fun and she was a good sport about it. But not once did I talk about myself being gay. So to break the tension I say to Mandy, "So if someone wanted to piss you off, they would make you a steak and make you sit in the back seat?" Mandy says, "yah pretty much" and laughs. Then out of the blue, Lisa belts out, "or send her a gay woman." LOL That was my clue that they did not have any idea. So I laugh and say "Aww, gay women won't hurt you none. They just sit back and crack gay jokes all day long." I can see the back of Missy's head bobbing from trying to hold in her laughter. Then Mandy says, "Oh well I don't think I know any gay women anyway, but I've known a couple of gay men." So I say, "Oh I know LOTS of gay women. Maybe I can introduce you." I was even laughing at myself. After our trip, Andrea said "I was thinking 'yah there's one in the car with you!" LMAO

Of course....I informed my boss of the fiasco and I think it won't go over well...but I decided I would make it fun and not let her ruin it. Plus my coworkers said they had more fun with just us. I guess I am known, especially at work, for being outspoken and maybe it's the work I do. If you don't speak up and say it, the moment is gone and people can run over you. My boss says I am animated...maybe I am.

I LIKE IT!

Have fun kids!

What Goes Around...

2008-07-04T14:54:00.002-05:00

comes back to haunt you and damned if it doesn't teach you a valuable lesson about where you've been and where you're heading. The unknown...gee it's what I live for.

I'm now in an "Ahhhh" moment and I am careful not to enjoy it too much. I can see a change in Brittany now. No she is not back home, thank God. I have not even offered it if things get bad there only because I want her to deal with the choice she made. I have a suspicion that it will turn out not so good, but I hope I am wrong. The big news? She broke up with her 15 year old boyfriend. AND she is not pregnant. That is reason to celebrate. I think I may be able to get her to come around about getting on some birth control. I can now have decent conversations with her and she actually listens to me. She's come over here on her own to see me when she's upset. I think she may realize life ain't as peachy as she thought. Monday she starts a job through vocational rehab working 3 days per week.

I'm in the hunt for a new job, one that's in town. Driving over 30 miles to and from work and driving clients around when I get there...it's too much when they will only pay .34/mile. I've gotten a whopping .60 in two years for raises, plus even more paperwork. Of course, I enjoy my schedule now, working a 4 day week so I can skip one day of driving. Stay tuned!

Fun times to follow.
Peace
J

Clean Up on Aisle BRITTANY

2008-06-07T15:18:00.002-05:00

Shoot, I need something industrial strength and commercial sized to clean up that mess. Brittany is now going to have to clean up her own messes now and a big part of me has thrown up my hands and said, "Hey kid, you're on your own." I am careful not to totally diss her because I could never do what my mother did and wait 20 years to find out if she learned life's lessons. Now, I am not saying my mother didn't have just cause...I think she just wanted a break from all the bullshit. Hell, I know the feeling. Nothing makes me understand my mother more than what's happened with Brittany.

Brittany called and came to visit earlier this week. We sat and talked and it was interesting. Granted, I was distressed(or disgusted) by the hickies on her neck blaring out at me like a foghorn, but I listened. She was telling me how her friends were falling to the wayside. "I thought I had it all figured out," she says. Hmmm, don't we all? I said, "welcome to Adultland." These people are actually helping her apply for food stamps and reapply for medical, etc. I felt good about that at least. Okay, I thought....maybe she was seeing what I've been saying. Or at the very least, there was hope. Then on Thursday I received this message on my cell phone (voice mail). "Hey you jerk, don't you ever call your fucking daughter?"

Okay...maybe I am totally old school, but I do not find the humor in that. I let Cindy listen to it and I told her that Brittany would tell me she was just joking. SHE should know I would NOT find that amusing. I had this feeling she was with Courtney but I can find nothing within me to think that's okay. But...if I think about Brittany's demeanor with me for her lifetime...most of her language to me has been terribly disrespectful. It makes me sick, because I know I didn't raise her that way. So Brittany calls me later and I attempted to talk to her and she says "I was just joking!" and then it was "Whatever" and Click. So I haven't heard from her since. I cannot imagine talking to anyone like that, even people I don't like.

Yesterday I totally cleaned her room and put the bed out in the shed. I also took what was left of her things and put them in a bin. I love looking at the room now. Just a bookcase a cabinet and the treadmill I'm getting back on come Monday. So as I am cleaning said room, what do I find under her bed? A condom. Still packaged thank GOD. After that, I had more rum and coke. The thought of it makes me EWWWWW. But I told myself that I should be glad she had it...but then again, she left it. UGH. I think whomever invented rum and coke...especially rum, must have had a daughter. It's a beautiful thing. The rum that is.

As for me, I am not sure I mentioned that I got to see my mother on May 30. Was it strange, too. Somehow, as much as her voice was always in my head, I'd forgotten what it actually sounded like. I went to her first and she hugged me right away and we had a nice nice talk. I feel liberated somehow. True, there is much to get through, but somehow someway, my grandmother brought us together.

Here's to RUM. YAY

Who Knew?

2008-06-01T06:41:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's me. Long lost me. There's so much to tell, I'm not sure where to begin. Our sweet loving dog Cody is gone now. It seems impossible that he's not here. We discovered he had a massive tumor and he being 12 years old was not a candidate for surgery. Cindy decided she just wanted to keep him comfortable. A few days later, he threw up clotted blood, so we knew it was time to make that horrifying decision. My God...I don't remember crying so hard as we were with him at that moment. It was so fast and peaceful for him. He gave us kisses before it happened, I think, to let us know he was ready. I think the hardest part is not seeing him when I open the door and at treat time. Knowing he is at peace and not suffering makes it okay.

Brittany...well, she finally graduated May 25th. And 2 days later, she moved out. I gave her a small party on Sunday and then she spent the night with her friend Courtney, came home on Monday (memorial day) and left to go to her boyfriend's father and stepmother's house. This boyfriend is 15 and has been kicked out of school for hitting a teacher or threatening one. I just shake my head. She never came home that night, no call, nothing. Then Tuesday after a couple of phone calls, Brittany finally calls me to say she is moving out. These people invited her to move in. She's known them maybe a couple of months. These people have no clue and neither does Brittany. But, like she told me, "you can't stop me." She was right, I cannot. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I've worked my ass off to get things right for her, to get her started and now here we are. So, I am letting go and letting her find out for herself. She has called me several times, all happy and giddy, expecting me to feel the same way. She has come over here acting like she's at a slumber party. I've already reminded her..."hey you made your decision, so you are going to have to figure it out yourself."

Even BIGGER news is...I received a birthday card from my mother! I've been writing to her more since my grandmother passed away in January. I never knew if she was reading them. My brother told me she called him and talked about it, so then I knew she was. So May 30th was my grandmother's memorial service and I saw her for the first time in over 19 years. I made the first move and went over to her and she hugged me and even introduced me as her daughter to some people I didn't know. Then afterwards we all went to the MOOSE (lodge) for sandwiches and we sat and talked and talked. She hugged me when she left saying it was good to see me, talk to me and that she was reading my letters. It's almost like a dream and seems crazy. Maybe time heals the wounds. I feel like a part of me is waking up that has been asleep for so long. I knew I couldn't give up...though I had my doubts it would ever happen. I was not a great young adult and caused her the grief that I am feeling now with Brittany. But boy have I learned alot. However it will pan out...it's how it's supposed to be. Good things come from bad things sometimes.

Ps. Happy BELATED birthday kmae(since we have the same one!)

Love and peace

Where Oh Where...

2008-04-12T09:02:00.003-05:00

is the respect? I know I am looking for something that doesn't exist too often with kids today. It's even more than just respect, it's having a real conversation.

I am lost.

I wish I knew where to go with Brittany now. Whenever I talk to her, all she says is "whatever, whatever." Walking out while I am talking, the awful things she says. I am on the verge of kicking her out everyday. What's worse, there's nowhere for her to go. Yet, she does not think of this. She is due to graduate in May. It is not even in her mind that school will be done and it's time to move on into adultland. How in the world am I to wake her up to start thinking about where to go from here.

And now the worst of it is, everything I've been working on for her for the past year is now on hold for who knows how long. All I know is that I cannot continue to live this way and neither can Cindy.

I am sure Brittany and I will come to blows this weekend. I don't understand it all. I don't get where it all came from. Her hygiene is awful and she doesn't seem to care about it. I know I taught her the importance of these things, yet at 19 I have to ask her if she's taken care of these things and she doesn't care if she does it or not. Brittany yelled at me once to not treat her like my clients, but I told her that at least they know their responsibilities and take care of them.

Ahhh

No Thanks, I Prefer The INSANITY...

2008-04-05T16:54:00.002-05:00

Yes, life is never calm for too long. I guess it's not supposed to be. In the past week, I've realized just how different my life is and will always be from my daughter's. I guess I have a strange sort of existence from others with children ready to graduate from high school. Other 18-19 year olds are not as dependent on their parents as Brittany is on me. No matter how much I try or the many ways I try to help her to move away from me, especially emotionally...I end up walking backwards in the sand.

Brittany has a couple of "friends" that I just know in my heart are NOT her friends and awful influences, and last week was my lifetime "moment of truth" movie. I told Brittany that now that the weather was getting warmer, she could walk to school. Sunday night, she was angry with me because I said, NO she could not use my computer and refused to talk to me all night. Monday morning, I thought, I am not going to wake her or try to get her up. It's her responsibility. I don't usually get her up, but I knew she didn't realize the whole thing was starting Monday. I never said a word to her and left at 7am. I get to work and call home at 8:30am, no answer, so I figured she was at school. At 12:30pm I get a call from the school saying she is absent today. Through some deducing, I find out Brittany's "friend" courtney is absent. Courtney is 15 and just a terrible influence as she knows Brittany's mentality is less than hers. I assume they are skipping school at Courtney's house, so I leave a message, at least so Brittany will know that I knew what she was up to. I kept calling home, and no answer. Meanwhile Cindy is getting off of work unusually early. Apparently, she came home to Brittany and Courtney wrecking havoc in the house all day, leaving a trail of messes wherever they went. Cindy lost it and there was yelling, etc. I've only seen Cindy mad maybe twice in 3 years. She attempted to kick Courtney out of the house. As she told me the story, I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of kicking someone out of your house and then offering them a ride home LMAO. But Brittany and Courtney left together. Brittany always leaves. She came back at 10 pm and wanted to talk which shocked me. So we talked and she knew what she'd done was bad. Plus, Courtney's parents have talked Brittany into learning about their church and attending a class. They are Baptist. Yay. Brittany stated to me that she talked to Courtney's mom about my "negativity". Courtney's mom apparently told Brittany that the reason I have issues with it is because of my "lifestyle choices." Hmmm, reeeeeaaaalllly.

I reminded Brittany that C's mom does not know me, and has never even really met me, yet she is judging me. I asked Brittany to ask C's mom how she feels about her choice to be straight.

Okay all of that aside, we worked it out. So Tuesday I got to work, plugging away on paperwork and I get a phone call from the school. The DEAN of students. He tells me Brittany was caught the week before with her "friends" vandalizing the girls' bathroom. Have I totally gone insane?
He said he didn't think that she was directly doing it, but she was with them, making her guilty. She got an in school suspension.

The bottom line here is that she just cannot see how they talk her into bad things, treat her badly and god knows what else. I suppose it's no different than any of us at that age. Brittany is not strong enough to say no, that's wrong, and walk away. Why? Because she wants the friendship, or supposed friendship and knows they would not include her if she said no.

It's hard to fight against that. Especially when you are Brittany.

Remind me again why this is supposed to be this way?

The Dangling Carrot...

2008-03-30T20:27:00.002-05:00

Hello my 2 readers! Sorry it's been so long. It's really been difficult to find something to write about. Actually, it's hard to pick. Sometimes, my life seems so damn crazy between work, home and the kid, I feel like I am twirling in the vortex of a tornado. I hope I land soon. For now, I will discuss my favorite topic: The Government. More specifically, SOCIAL SECURITY and DISABILITY.

Now I have my own issues because I cannot get Brittany on disability because even at an IQ of 73, she is not "severe enough" according to their standards. I want her to have a little assistance because she is in no way able to care for herself and have the responsibilities that a regular 19 year old has. That aside, the following rant has to do with one of my clients.

Mike is 38 years old and his IQ is probably in the 60s. He has a form of Autism along with being MR(mental retardation). I just adore him. He makes me smile even when I am tired and having a rotten day. I see him and he smiles that big smile and says, "Oh Julie, there you are! Do you see me smiling at you? It's cuz I'm happy to see you!" I recently heard him tell a clerk, "I always smile when I'm with Julie." Now how can I feel bad?

In an earlier post, I relayed the story of how Soc Security, 3 years ago sent Mike a back payment of at least $1500. His worker at the time set it aside, knowing they would be asking for it back. Sure enough, that's what happened, so she sent the money back. Then last year, they wrote Mike saying he had never paid it back. We found the receipt that said "keep this for your receipt". The woman who does payee services argued with Soc Security because even though they had cashed his check, they didn't care if he had a receipt. Finally it was resolved. Turns out the federal office and the local office did not communicate with each other. Gee, imagine that.
NOW here it is, 2008. Suddenly, I get a letter for Mike stating that he is owed a back payment since 1997 for cost of living increase. By the time I got the letter, over $4700 was deposited into his checking account. A bit leary of this, I have made several calls to soc security and 4 calls later, it is being investigated and is being thought to be a mistake. While I was secretly hoping this money was his, I had a bad feeling. This was because the letter stated that soc sec had stopped paying someone on this record. Mike is the only one on his record. Even Soc Sec did not know what it was about.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Then I started thinking. This is not the first time it's happened to Mike and not the first time it's happened to one of our clients. These are the people who are the most vulnerable and cannot advocate for themselves most often. If I had allowed him to spend the money and then a few months later, they came back to say, 'oh WE made a mistake, so now YOU owe US', he could not pay that back. Then what happens is that they start taking the repayment out of his current disability. This is a total trap of the worst kind. If I had not made a nuisance out of myself, as I almost always do, no one would know it was a mistake. It makes me so angry. Mike will never be able to work in a job to support himself due to his disabilities, yet he has to be as independent as he is capable of being.

When will our government take responsibility for its own mistakes? Maybe do some extra work so you DON'T make the mistake in the first place and don't make the very people you say you are helping pay the price for your inability to do your job.

I'm telling you, Mike has a helluva lot more brains than those people.

I reserve the right to climb back on my soapbox at a later ranting.

Peace and Common Sense
J

The Art of Becoming Human...again

2008-02-10T08:04:00.000-06:00

It's been 3 years since I've seen this tree, but I love looking at it. I was visiting Cindy and we hiked a trail through the woods near Indian Lake Park, not far from here. I think back to those simple times when all I could think of was being with Cindy and soaking up every last second with her before I had to go back home.

Simple.

I think we've lost the ability to be simple. I watch people and it's kind of distressing how no one really talks to anyone anymore, face to face, without interruptions. People are always on the phone. If it's not attached to our hand, it's on our ear. Those blue tooth things looks so strange, like some kind of growth on your ear. In a world of mass technology, where do we fit in? How can we be simple again...or even human?

We are all at war and not just in other countries, but within ourselves. It's a fight against others telling us how to live, who we should love, who we should marry, what God to love and who to hate. Those who have the most money WINS! But what do we win? Hell, you can't take it with you. And more importantly, what have we lost?

So for me, I want to be human lover, not a hater.

The REAL Final Frontier

2008-01-15T06:53:00.000-06:00

Death. I stare at the word and even the letters that make up the word have some kind of aura. For those couple of people who read my blog, it may appear as if I am talking about death too much. I probably am, but now it is ever present on my mind.

January 8th was Cindy's and my 3 year anniversary! YAY! Well we decided to get away this past weekend and go to Ames, Iowa and take Brittany along the way to stay with my aunt. There is a to die for BBQ place there and good shopping. Plus, it's where I graduated from college and it's nice to go back. So Saturday we drove to drop Brittany off at my aunt's house and left for Ames, outside of Marshalltown, IA. Cindy and I checked into our hotel, then did some shopping and went to clog our arteries with BBQ. After we finally fit out the door, we went to the mall to walk around. While at Penny's I got the call. It said it was from my grandma June, but somehow I knew the moment had come for her. Yep, it was my aunt(on my mother's side, not the one Brittany was staying with). She said that my grandmother had just passed away a little while ago. For the past few months, my grandmother had been talking about death quite alot, stating she was just waiting for her time to go. She would have been 90 years old this year. It's hard to fathom those numbers.

So Cindy and I decided to stay an extra day as there was to be a "family viewing" Monday(yesterday) at 1pm. As in my last entry, I've stated how I cannot handle viewing the body and it's better for me not to. Well, I knew that I would have to on this day, as there was to be no memorial service until June or July. The other part of this is about my mother. My mother probably had not seen her own mother in 6 months and barely called her. It's been 19 years since I've seen my mother and I have always had this moment in my head that I would finally see her at my grandmother's funeral. Could someone be so cold to their own mother, even in death?

Yes. My mother did not show up for the visitation, though she lives 3 hours away. The same distance that I do. In fact, as of Saturday evening, she hadn't bothered to call my brother in Colorado to tell him...though she called other people not even closely related to her. I called my brother Saturday evening to tell him. I feel sad for my mother in a way, even though she did this to herself. I heard the whispers about how my mother hasn't even seen her only grandchild. My aunt stated, "well she is the one that has to live with herself." and it's true. To say I don't understand my mother would be the understatement of the century. Obviously, she holds a strong grudge against her own mother also, one that is wasted. So much has been wasted, not the least of all, time.

If there is one thing I've learned from my mother, it's becoming the person she's not.

Death and the Girlfriend

2008-01-06T08:32:00.000-06:00

Death. It's so final. There's no more sunny skies, no more enjoying all that waking up everyday has to give you. I guess that is the most difficult part for me to imagine. Maybe once I get older I will become more at peace with the notion, but right now, it boggles my mind.

Thursday was my friend Julie's visitation. Since she was in the military for 21 years, she received a full military funeral. She deserved that, without question. For me, I cannot deal with seeing the body of someone I know and cared about. I know that many people need to see that body so they know they are really gone and to say their goodbyes. I am not one of those people. From the time I was young and went to my first funeral, I've had visions. Yes, I see dead people. Not psychic visions or anything that exciting...but for the few visitations I've been to, that is the picture in my mind for a long time afterward. It's just too much. I would much rather remember that person as they were in their glory...not lying in a casket. So I chose not to go to the visitation, but the funeral instead. Cindy said she wished I was there...but I don't.

So the funeral was Friday. What a beautiful service it was. Julie was the ultimate lesbian. Many of her old girlfriends showed up and people I've known from "the pack". Julie was the 'love'em and leave'em' type for sure, but there were a select few that meant the world to her. She lived for lust and when that got old, she moved on. But I have to believe she was very happy in the last year and a half with her girlfriend Jeanie. I had to smile when I saw the huge turnout because I knew Julie was watching and loving every damn minute...knowing all the attention she was getting.

From the time this all happened to Julie, I've been concerned about how Julie's girlfriend would be treated. Afterall, she was the one who found Julie, the one who called 911 and most especially, the one in Julie's life. I thought maybe since Julie's sister, T(Cindy's ex), is also gay, that she would understand and not push her aside like she meant nothing. But I was wrong. So T and another friend Julie(who was Julie's ex GF and the one she was still the closest to) went to Texas to take her off life support. They made all these arrangements, I'm sure with the help of the military, and I never heard a word about Jeanie.

I really did not approve of the way this funeral home was set up for Julie's funeral. The family was set up in one room and friends and others in another room adjacent to it. So we were separated from the family and could not see the family. Oh there was a tv screen that people in the back could probably see, but it just felt wrong. What was even more wrong was that Jeanie sat with us. Some friends of ours let them sit in the front row out of respect, but she should have been in with the family. I started thinking that if something happened to Cindy right now, this is where I would be delegated...to the friend room. The problem I have is that there were other "friends" there in the family room. Who was closer to Julie than her girlfriend? Jeanie was not even mentioned as a CLOSE friend in the obituary or the little pamphlet that was handed out when we walked in.

I said to Cindy how wrong this was and told her, "Julie sure as hell wouldn't take a back seat to anyone!" Cindy laughed and said, "Hell no, she wouldn't."

As far as we've come...I wonder if we'll always be in the friend room...

Christmas 2007...in a nutshell

2007-12-29T10:53:00.000-06:00

For 2 Christmases in a row now, I've had to deal with death. For an everyday occurence, it sure is ever present on my mind. People enter your life for a reason, no matter how long they are here. They do their job and make their exit. We are never ready for the final bow.

My Christmas this year, was not too awful. I've spent many Christmases by myself...without Brittany and without anyone, family or a significant other. So this Christmas, I had all of it together. Yah, it's stressful with all of the shopping and money woes and Lord knows I do NOT want to see another cookie for awhile...but I have to say it was all good.

Of course, I was not planning on Brittany being here this year, but I am glad she is. She is doing better for the most part. I do not remember being so self centered when I was her age, but maybe I was. If there is one thing I do know, it's that I had a helluva lot more respect for my family and my elders. Brittany does not, though I know most kids I see in today's world do not. That does not make it okay. It makes it sad and pathetic. Brittany and I went to see my grandmother who lives in an assisted living apartment. Brittany was planning on spending the night with her while I went with my dad, stepmom and aunt to stay at the hotel/casino 20 minutes away. I bought Brittany THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW for Christmas. It cracks me up that she has discovered that movie. Anyway, I was leaving my computer with her so she could watch movies. So we get there, people are coming to visit my grandmother and Brittany starts watching this movie with her headphones on. She starts doing "the time warp" dance. I asked her if she could not dance around while people were visiting. Brittany tells me "no I can't." Then I asked her to pause it out of respect for everyone coming in and visiting. The room is really small. She then becomes angry and starts having a tantrum like a 3 year old...albeit, quietly. SHe plops next to me whispering "I hate it here, I want to go home. You always control everything I do." So I ignore her as long as I can and tell her she is acting like a 3 year old and I wasn't going to talk to her until she acted like an adult. Then my stepmom tells my dad that it's time for the "CAW" which is a little thing my dad does by grabbing someone's thigh above the knee and making crow sounds. So then he did that, attempting to pull her out of it by humor. I guess it worked, but I was left feeling so angry with her. So then we all left and Brittany spent the night with my grandmother. I didn't know what would happen, but it all turned out fine and Brittany played cards with my grandmother.

Meanwhile, we all went to the casino and hotel. It was a nice time. My aunt, Sharon is 65 and newly separated from her 4th husband. She is like having another teenager or kid around. In some ways, it's fun, in others....well it's just downright strange. I love her to death and have always been close to her. She's always had an issue with my being gay and she's said she is doing better. Well, Sharon likes to drink and smoke and she smoked in the room that was no smoking. Either she didn't know or didn't care...or didn't think about it at all. So after everyone finished gambling, she comes back still drinking and smoking...giving me her theory on why I am gay. It cracks me up when Straight people give their theory on this subject. This is the aunt who fondled me some 20 years ago trying to "test" me to see if I was gay. I know, I know, EWWW!
Of course, I did not think or believe I was gay at the time. Her theory is that I was so rejected by my mother and she also mentioned about my father giving me baths as a baby. Gee, that has SO much credibility! All I can do is laugh.

My family has truly come around and I think it's because they really love Cindy and see how happy we are. We don't flaunt anything or even hold hands in their presence...though sometimes we play footsie! My stepmother was cleaning out my grandmother's closet when we came back and even made jokes about coming out of the closet. That made me laugh! My folks even gave Cindy and I matching Ornaments that say Cindy and Julie on them. I think that says it all.

So it was good, bad, ugly and sorrowful all at once. All in all...I feel blessed. And isn't that the point?

Peace for the new year.

Comings and Goings

2007-12-27T06:49:00.000-06:00

Life is fast. Most often, it doesn't feel like it. That is until you are confronted with death. No matter how long I am on this earth, I can never understand it.

Cindy and I were going along with our Christmas just fine and then came the phone call. A good friend of ours, Julie(yep she's a Julie), was in the hospital in Texas after collapsing from a brain anneurism and was on life support. She's now gone and luckily she probably didn't know what hit her. It baffles me.

I met Julie after I moved in with Cindy. Julie happened to be Cindy's ex gf's sister, who was also gay. She was a wild one and always gave Cindy a hard time, teasing her, and Cindy could never think of a comeback line fast enough. In past blogging sessions, I have explained how Cindy and her ex are close friends and sometimes that baffles me too. I am sure when Julie met me, she wanted to test me out to make sure I was worthy of being in this PACK. So I spent the time and found opportunities to get her with comeback lines and witty things...with a little attitude. Cindy's ex, T(I shall call her), laughed and told me, "no one's ever talked to my sister like that. You'll do just fine!" So I shared a bond with Julie right away. She told me of her escapades and I know one day I will write them in a book. It's really a tale of 3 sisters and the horrible things they lived through. I had to laugh when Julie talked to me about her affair with a girl...she said, "What am I supposed to do? She shows up on my doorstep in the rain? I just HAD to let her come in!" It's those memories I think of now. Thank God I have them. Julie was around 50 years old.

People enter our life and we never know the impact they will have. Then in what seems like a summer breeze, they are gone. I saw Julie last summer. She brought her much younger girlfriend with her and we just had to laugh. I have her on video and I am sure I will watch and listen and laugh and cry.

It's another lesson in life. Make each day count because we never know what's in store for us. Pretty soon, you are out of time. I know I am grateful for Julie's time here and that I had a chance to know her.

The 8th Month

2007-11-11T07:48:00.000-06:00

Could it be that long? Actually, it seems longer that Brittany has been here. I am not sure what I think about anything anymore. A couple weeks ago, she was out of control, yelling, screaming, slamming doors when she didn't get her way. Now at least, the past week or so has been calm.

I am drained and it's on my mind constantly after the things she's said to me. If there is one thing that annoys me, it's the disrespect. I have always known Brittany to have anger issues. I also knew that when I made that fateful decision to send her to the foster home (a decision that was actually made for me) that there would be mental repercussions. I am not sure what Brittany feels for me at this point. She's told me she does not want to work things out with me and why did I bother giving birth to her, blah blah blah. God, I am so tired of defending myself and my decisions. She has no idea how hard things were for me, what I went through just to have her in my life and she seems not to care that Cindy and I have turned our lives upside down to help her. If she had not come here on vacation, those assholes would have thrown her on the street.

So I am trying, still, to get some things together for her so that when she graduates, she has somewhere to go, some kind of direction, since she does not care about that. If Brittany were a regular 18 year old, I wouldn't be trying so hard. I would just let her go. But I know Brittany is not capable of being out there in the world alone. She is more like 14 or 15. She does not take responsibility for anything she does. Brittany had refused to do the things I am trying to line up...but now it seems she might be warming to the idea. She does not want to leave her friends. What she cannot seem to grasp is the notion that her friends are all younger than her. They will still be in school and I refuse to allow her to sit here and do nothing. I want her to be able to move to Burlington...which is the city where I work, about 45 minutes away. There are more opportunities for her there. So I decided I would start by offering to take her and her friend for a day trip next saturday, to show off the town with her friend, see what is all there for her. Brittany does not think anything is wrong with her really, so it is difficult for her to understand that she needs some guidance. Brittany is so addicted to this friend, "courtney", that it almost appears like worship. Brittany liked oldies and country music, now suddenly she likes marilyn manson? Brittany has changed her personality to be like courtney's. I know we've all done it, just so someone will like us. I know, I have to pick my battles. The most important one is helping her to help herself.

So I am going with her to her counseling appt next monday where we will begin to delve into Brittany's anger issues with me that she doesn't want to discuss. Well I will discuss them for sure. I took the day off because I know I will be like a limp noodle when I am done. But it is worth it.

ChickaBoomChickaboom....doncha just love it!

It's Always Somthin'....

2007-10-21T07:49:00.000-05:00

It reminds me of Gilda Radner as RosanneRosannaDanna on SNL years ago. It's Always Somethin'....and it is. It's the never ending saga that is my life right now. SIGH

Here's the update on Brittany the kid. Things had been going, well....okay, no outbursts for quite awhile. Then Brittany met this girl Courtney at school and they have kind of a weird relationship. Brittany wanted the girl to spend the night as she had spent the night at her house already. I spoke to Cindy about it. Cindy did not want her to for the simple fact that she is not out to her family and her co-workers. I understood and respected her decision. Brittany became irate screaming and hollering, I heard it over the phone. She threw the phone out of the way, kind of shoved Cindy out of the way and ran off. I came home from work, making phone calls and finally discovering where she was. I chose not to go after her. She is 18, there is not much I can do. She came back that night in a fit that she was 18 and could do anything go anywhere she wanted. So I tell her she can stay with her friend 1 night and then if she wants to be an adult so bad, she can come home and talk about it. She came back the next day, feeling bad about what she'd done. But I know this is not the end. I think she is way too involved with this girl...to the point of being fanatical and worship like.

Now on the other side...I received the report from all the tests that were done on Brittany. Her IQ is 73 and she has tested in the mild mental retardation range as I suspected. So now my plan is to go ahead and begin paperwork for getting her some services, like what I do for a living. I have the fear that she will fight it and in that case I may have to look at becoming her legal guardian, which costs money. But we shall see. It's alot to take on now, but it's the only way for Brittany to have any sort of future. I gotta do what I gotta do....

It's always somethin....if your kid ain't crazy, you are. You gotta laugh...
Peace Everyone

Abundant Rewards

2007-10-20T16:16:00.000-05:00

As I sit here, chocolate chip cookie warm from the oven, in my hand...I think about the little things in life that are so good, they are indescribable. Most often, we focus on the big things/issues that complicate our lives. I am reminded of this every day with my work.

My work with mentally challenged adults brings me back in tune with what's really important. I go from day to day, doing my job the best way I can...even knowing I have a daughter who is mentally challenged. My clients do not have many, if any, behavioral issues...which makes them an absolute joy to be around. For those who have never had the pleasure of knowing a mentally challenged person, it's something you should seek out.

I had an experience with my client, Mike, who is probably the one who grabs my heart every time. When I started working with him, he had beat up his sister and still has impulsive aggression issues. My co-workers and supervisor, I am sure, have considered him the most difficult. Mike has 5 sisters and his dad...though they are not overly involved with him for the most part. I've heard Mike tell me that he has to be "good" that he cannot be bad. I've told him what a good person he is and remind him of all the reasons he is a good person and that I believe in him. Mike loves to fish....he is addicted to it. Mike and I went fishing and he loved teaching me what he assumed I didn't know about fishing. He sees me down the street and I can see him grinning from ear to ear. I can't help but smile. His family has told me they have seen such an amazing difference in him. Mike also has a form of autism. He talks a million miles a minute and can change the subject within one breath several times. Yesterday, I did my usual routine with Mike, take him to the bank and then home. We talked for a few minutes and as I got ready to leave, he hugged me. The whole thing shocked me and still does. Mike does not shake hands or do high fives. He always says, "I'm afraid my luck will rub off." On my drive home, I had to think...this is what it's all about. Mike has made an impact on me...as has all of the other clients I've worked with in the past 12 years of doing this work. I get angry that the pay is so low and the way the agency is operated on a day to day basis...and then the hug.

It puts things in perspective. Yah life is hard, yah life deals you blows...but life is full of rewards, if only you choose to see them.

Be Happy, Be Joyful, Be GAY

2007-09-08T08:43:00.000-05:00

Of course, it's not for everyone. I consider being gay kind of special. We are all chosen and since I believe we are born gay...it's a given. And wouldn't you know there are so many who try to step on over to our side of the street...yet they have no gay card. There are bad gay people just like there are bad straight people. Most of us didn't know we possessed "the gift" of being gay, so we try straightdom and realize there is something missing.

Oh there are the stereotypes and there wouldn't be stereotypes if there weren't some element of truth to them. As a lesbian, I understand this and have lived it. I have moved in with women I didn't know very well...one after 3 weeks of talking online and 1 visit and another talking on the phone for 1 month and did not meet in person until I moved in with her. I am my own UHAUL and have lived the joke. My longest relationship is the one I am in now, 3 years in January. The other stereotypes about lesbians that I have learned is that they travel in packs and date each other...Lordy is this true.

When I met Cindy and she introduced me to her ex Tina(I shall call her this to be kind), I thought "how interesting". Cindy and Tina remained friends which in and of itself was odd but commendable. I've grown to like Tina although it's a complicated relationship for me, but that's another blog session. Since I have discovered life in "the pack". Through Cindy's stories and meeting people I realize that many of the women have dated each other. I used to think that maybe this was not true for midwest lesbians...but now I know it's universal. I was never in "the pack" until now. Though I have to admit Cindy and I are not really in the pack. Cindy has never dated anyone in the pack except for Tina. Tina sure has though.

Yes, I do have a point to all of this.

There is a couple in the pack, Tish and Karen, who have been together for 10 years. They are the stereotypical butch and Femme couple. Tish is butcher(yes it's an adjective here not a noun) than my dad and Karen is the typical femme woman. This year at the annual lesbian party thrown by our friend Julie, Cindy and I noticed Tish and Karen were no where near each other the whole day. Tish hung around with Cindy and I and another woman who is her buddy. So a couple weeks ago, we sort of were taken aback to learn that Tish and Karen broke up. The story is too weird. Apparently, Tish stated that an old gf named Veronica showed up on her doorstep and she tells Karen that she's always still had feelings for her. So now Tish and Veronica are together and Karen apparently moved back with her gf from 20 years ago.

Aren't lesbians funny?

What's In The Plan, Stays In The Plan

2007-08-29T08:27:00.000-05:00

So in September, Brittany will have been here for 6 months. Little did I know that when the girl came for a visit, that it would be permanent. Many times now, as awful as it sounds, I miss the times when I just missed her. But...as with most everything else since the day she was born...things change. I think deep inside I knew something was bound to happen when she turned 18 and somehow it would be heading straight for me. Ta--freakin'-Da.

Back in June, I had helped Brittany apply for SSI. During this process, Brittany was given an IQ test and due to this and the fact that she had held a job, SSI turned her down. Because of legal wranglings, I could not find out what the IQ test/report said. Brittany is now 18 and I am not her guardian, she is her own guardian. This makes things sticky as I cannot just make a phone call and make things happen any longer. So, all this time, I have not known what Brittany's IQ is. When she was 11, I believe, she was tested and it was 66, which falls under mild mental retardation. 70 and below falls in this range. So years later when she went to the foster home and I was told she was suddenly 70, I was skeptical. I feel truly blessed that I have worked with the developmentally disabled all these years because it has helped me to better understand my daughter and realize what she needs.

Enter Friday August 24, 2007. I took Brittany to Iowa City for an appointment with a psychologist. As it turns out, they messed things up and did not have us scheduled. But in return, the social worker wanted to share with Brittany and I the results of the IQ test that was done for SSI. Brittany's IQ is 73. For Brittany to qualify for services and be under what is called an "M.R. WAIVER" she has to be under 75, so she is just under the buzzer. So this is good news.

So now I've been reflective about how my life, and Brittany's has turned out. I remember when she was born...how I never knew Brittany would not have a typical life. No one ever knows. I used to be envious of other parents who had "normal" children. And at times, even now, I am. I've thought about my dad and how different things would be if Brittany were a "normal" girl. But she's not. I understood a long time ago that this is the way it's meant to be. Oh life would have been simpler, but not any less meaningful. It's the path that is paved for us before we are even aware. The struggles are the lessons. I've had to learn to fight my way through the mud and maybe some parents have not had to fight and learn to stand up and say "no, my child deserves your attention." Maybe it's because before Brittany was ever around, I had to struggle myself..without the support of family. I also know the reason Brittany is here. It's up to me to help guide her in the next stage of her life. I may never be a grandmother. Brittany may never be a college graduate or have a lucrative career. Hell, I'd settle for a lucrative career at this point. Unfortunately, Brittany is a fighter LOL I'm not sure I like seeing myself in her. She has tantrums like a 3 year old and I have to discipline her now at 18. No matter how she resists me, I have to push her to make her own decisions, good or bad. And she will fight me all the way.

So I am hangin on to find out what's in store for me at the next turn.

The Life Of Riley...whoever that is

2007-08-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

Allow me to introduce Checkers. Yes I caught him in the middle of something we all wish we could master. It must really be hard to sleep all day and wear yourself out licking.

If it is the life of Riley....Riley must be pretty damn happy!

The Old School

2007-08-18T20:51:00.000-05:00

The days run into one another and I think, "gee, I haven't written on the ol blog for awhile," (yah, do we really believe I say "gee" even in my mind?) and then something comes up...usually when Cindy and I discuss some deep and pivotal topic, and I feel I MUST blog it. I could blog about things that have happened to me recently at work or the fact that I have just discovered medicaid/medicare will not pay for a yeast infection treatment but pays for viagra and all of the E.D. pills there are out for men. Nope. I am not going to blog about it.

I am a 42 year old woman who is lost in the past, it seems. The past where people respected each other and kids respected their parents AND parents respected their children. You know, the past where there were not cell phones, the internet, IPODS and droopy drawers. God, how I miss it and I know, it will never come back again. We've gone too far to turn around now.

I do have to say it's not all bad. The internet is a wonderful magical yet mystical place and I have to be oh so grateful for it. Life seems easier now in some areas due to the technology.

But easier does not mean better.

What has brought this attention to the good ole days, you ask? In February of 2009, and most people might know this, but I did not...TV as we once knew it will be over. No longer will TV be free. Not that many of us even have free tv anymore. So, no more antennae with foil. I laugh at the OLD DAYS when we all had to do this. I remember 3 channels and maybe PBS growing up. Is this really progress? Is it really freedom when the government and big business tells us how to live and make us pay for it. Cindy told me, "It won't be long and radio will follow." She is right, I am afraid to say. It really makes me wonder how things got so awfully out of hand.

The world is moving faster than ever. Everyone is in a hurry to get where they are going, and when you do that, you miss everything along the way. And there is so much that we've missed. I've always wished I could have lived long ago, listened to the radio and not had all of the conveniences. I guess maybe the older generations always feel this way when so-called progress happens.

All I know is, with the world moving so fast...I'd like to be a crock pot.

Take the time to enjoy the breeze.

Lost Outside My Mind

2007-08-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

The Danger of Doing Good, Part 2

2007-07-29T12:01:00.000-05:00

Okay here I am still ranting...and I do have a point to all of this ridiculousness. As you shall see.
In part 1, I discussed what has happened when money, family and disabilities co-exist. Now, this is not always the case. There are some lucky folks that have wonderful families who genuinely care for them. Such is the case of another one of my clients, who has Down's Syndrome and is very high functioning. Her sister is the most caring person in the world and any money my client pays her for things goes back into a special fund specifically for my client. That is not the norm, however.

So back to "Jake". Everything with Jake has been a struggle. I've caught him lying to me several times. I treat him like the adult he is...otherwise, what is the point of it all. His sister Kimm(how can you trust someone with 2 Ms?) has continually talked about how Jake should not have any spending money. So now Jake is about to move to a much better apartment through HUD. Kimm promised him (and me too) that she would write the 30 day notice to the landlord and help Jake pack. All of these things, she did not do. Now it is clearly not my responsibility to help Jake do these things as it does not fall into the area I am contracted to help him with. I stretched it though when I offered to help him on my day off(though I did clock in and intend to get paid for it). This was on 7/14. I wrote the notice as I knew Kimm would not get around to it. And she also did not get around to helping him pack. She was to arrange things for his moving day, which was left to me. I made arrangements and she backed me into a corner asking me when she should meet me to move Jake. To say I was angry is an understatement for sure. But I had to remember it was for Jake. SO yesterday was moving day. SHe was over an hour late and tried to tell me how unclean Jake's apartment was. I told her it was not my job to be his maid. So we moved Jake and I spent another day off working. I will get paid for it...believe that.

Yes, I vent therefore I am.

So the danger of doing good means you are stuck by always doing good. I know I do too much for my clients. I cannot help it, it's who I am. I know I cannot stand by and do nothing when someone like Jake or anyone like my clients needs my help and has no one to help them. Many of the people I've worked with have no one but the people who are paid to be there. You can't help caring for them because they make you realize how important you are.

The Danger of Doing Good

2007-07-29T08:40:00.000-05:00

Frustration has seeped into my veins and refuses to let go. I have a different job than most people I know and maybe it is difficult to understand. I have worked with the developmentally disabled(or DD) for 12 years or more and I would not trade a moment of it for all the money in the world. In fact, most often, I enjoy them more than so-called "normal" people. Life is simple to them. Black and white....anything else is hard for them to understand. I have come across this situation in my work life that is nothing less than infuriating.

I have a client whom I will call Jake. I must explain that in my job, our agency is "Payee" for some of the clients, meaning that we are in charge of their checking account and assist them in paying bills. Last year, long before Jake was my client, our agency was NOT his payee, but one of my co-workers at the time worked with him on paying his bills, cooking skills and grocery shopping. During this time, Jake was going to receive a back payment from social security. $11,000. Jake, at the time, was his own guardian. Enter the sister from HELL. I shall call her Kimm(as it is her real name and I loathe her). In an instant, she went to court and got herself in charge of this money and Jake. It was called a conservatorship and she is now his guardian. Oh she spent a little of the money on Jake but suddenly, the rest is gone. Jake's worker(my coworker) asked Kimm about the money as Jake needed some clothes. Kimm tells my coworker, "don't ask me about that money." Then, when I took Jake over, Kimm tells me she's started a new photography business. Intriguing, isn't it? Now it has been stated that legally, Kimm is accountable for this money and how it was spent. Jake lived in a dump of an apartment and was living pathetically. Jake is an adult and perfectly capable of cleaning, though he does have cerebal palsy..a mild form but he is unstable when he walks. Kimm in the meantime has complained because she wants Jake to pay certain bills that SHE came up with and did not inform anyone. 1) Make payments on a BURIAL PLAN she began to make payments on
2) Renter's Insurance(a $20,000) policy she started "for" Jake
3) Pay the lawyer bill for becoming his guardian

Jake does not owe these bills. Jake had money to pay for these outright.
I do not understand how family members take advantage the way they do....when there is money involved, it is amazing what happens. I love money...because I don't have it. What's right is right and what's wrong is pure evil.

Coming soon: The Danger of Doing Good prt 2

Welcome To DramaLand!

2007-07-16T07:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome one and all to the land where conversations are their own LifeTime movie! Yes, it's true...this is what's become my life...again!

Of course, I speak of my daughter Brittany(thank god she's not a wannabe rock goddess). We are slowly dealing with life as it was thrown to us 4 months ago. I miss my old life alone with Cindy, that is for sure...and I know she does too. There is alot to figure out. I took Brittany to the Center for Disabilities in Ia City(thanks to my brother) where they've done an assessment. Telling the whole story to the social worker was interesting. Another "training" doctor sat in on this and stated he was impressed with everything I had done to try to get Brittany help when she was younger. After these discussions, they feel she does not even have the PDD(Pervasisve Development Disorder) or maybe even the Bipolar. But they are going to do some tests and have her meet with a Neuropsychologist. The social worker observed how immature she is and I explained how she is now...where she won't have anything to do with the adult world. She does not want to watch adult movies or read adult books, she only watches nickelodeon and the disney channel and of course REBA reruns. I love Reba and that show myself, but it is not my every thought, like it seems to be with my daughter. So we have more appts. SSI has turned her down and people tell me I should appeal it. I am planning on it because I just don't see how she can make a living and support herself on her own.

Whenever I say something she doesn't like, she storms off to her room and later will come out to apologize. I've learned to let her go and not continue the argument. But I know I cannot fix what is wrong and all I can do is find her the help she needs.

If there is a reason for everything...I know that is why she was put here.

I wish I could storm off to my room.

A Kinder, Gentler Post

2007-07-13T07:35:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I thought I would write something not so Alanis Morrisette today. Although anger is a wonderful thing, today I'm feeling somewhat calmer. Yes, there is so much more I could complain about...but I'm taking the day off of bitchin'.

Suddenly, after speaking with my boss yesterday...I feel my life ain't oh so tragic. My boss and I have bonded due to our troublesome daughters. Her daughter fell into the drug scene and mine fell into the disney channel scene. She allowed her daughter back into her house only to discover she was cooking METH in the house. My boss went right to the police and turned her in. Her daughter is now in Jail and could possibly go to federal prison...she's just 18 or 19. Now, not only the police entered her house but a special team from St Louis all descended upon her property to perform tests on the house....including the city. They have told her once the tests come back, if it shows over a certain percentage..the house will be condemned. My boss has to foot the bill for all of this cleaning...over $8000 and she might lose the house altogether. She cannot stay there and if she goes back in to get something, she has to suit up. It is unbelievable to me. I chose to tell my daughter this story...even knowing my daughter is so far behind on doing those things...I know that someone could talk her into trying it...but it is also a tale of consequences. They don't only affect you...but others around you. I can't imagine it all...

So today I am saying AHHHHHH life feels pretty good. I think we should all appreciate what we have and how simple our lives really are.

Peace

The Government and its TASTELESS Morsels

2007-07-07T07:41:00.000-05:00

For a moment, let's step inside someone else's shoes, shall we? How about if those shoes were disabled...let's say for now, mentally challenged and possibly suffering from a fatal brain disease. Hey, even better...you are all of 24 years old. You have behavioral problems due to the disease and cannot make decisions for yourself, so you have someone assisting you in everything you do. You cannot work so you have to be involved with the programs offered to you to survive. Now: HAPPY DAY! You receive a check for $17,000 from the government. They say it's a back payment of money THEY owed you.

The CLINCHER: You must spend it in 6 months so it does not effect your current benefits. Hmmm $17,000. Since your time is very limited due to your fatal disease, your trusted worker helps you to take a vacation...a cruise, something for you to enjoy in the moment because you have basically no memory of even the past 5 minutes. So you go have a good time with your worker, come home...spend the money paying your bills and doing what the government said: Spend the money in 6 months.

Now, months later, here it comes: We were mistaken, so you MUST pay back every cent of the $17,000.

Sounds incredible, doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's true. This is just ONE more thing that is wrong with our precious government. They dangle the carrot knowing you have no choice but to take it and eat it to its entirety. Someone is waiting for the right moment to come and say..."Hey, you shouldn't have eaten that...now pay for it." How do you teach people to take responsibility for their own actions when the government doesn't? The programs are in place for a reason...but instead it's a part of a greedy plan. The person in question is a client in the agency I work for and it so disgusted me. I hope they fight it because it is just plain WRONG. Here's the government mantra: If it's your fault, you shall pay us. If it's our fault, you shall pay us.

Another Case: One of my clients, before I worked with him, was awarded somewhere to to tune of $1400 from the government...back pay from SSI. My co-worker who worked with him at the time, was very smart. As we are his payee, she did not allow him to access it because she knew they would come back at some point, wanting it back. Sure enough, he received a letter stating he MUST pay it back, THEY were wrong. So she mailed the check. In return, SSI sent her back a RECEIPT that stated: "Keep this paper as your receipt." Late last year, my client received a letter stating there WAS NO RECORD YOU HAVE PAID THIS DEBT.

WHAT? I probably posted about this earlier, as it totally disgusts me. So then the woman in our agency, Linda, who deals with payee things and balances the checkbooks, got on the phone with the local social security office and also the federal one. The federal office actually told her, "It doesn't matter that you have a receipt or even the cancelled check."

How bad is the world (and the USA) coming to when being right doesn't matter?

As it turns out, the local office did not communicate with the federal office, so again....the left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing. Hmmmmm.....how shocking.

You know, there ARE good things the government does. There are good programs to help people who cannot help themselves. There are those regular people who can use these programs to improve their lives and be self-sufficient. There are those who will NEVER be self-sufficient but have to survive in some way. What do you do when the help you are giving someone is tainted with your own greediness and thoughtlessness? Even evil is not beyond the realm of possibility.
As people....members of this society, this country that everyone professes to love SO much, we should be able to trust our government.

How can you trust a wolf in sheep's clothing?

The Demise of Morality...in a NUTshell

2007-07-06T07:08:00.000-05:00

Well here it is... for all of the 2 people that read my blog...my long awaited comments on the declining morality of today. Or maybe it's the fact that I have no morals at all, so I have nothing to judge others by. Hmmm have I ever been judged and scrutinized over the way I handle my life? But of course....but I can still hold my head up high and not let my pants drop low. I don't even know if I am making sense...I digress once again.

I see so many things that disgust me that it's hard to pick just one. So, I shall continue my rant on the dropping of the pants. In an earlier post, I discussed how I'd read that this was a prominent custom in the prisons to mean one was "available" and ripe for the picking. Whenever I've seen someone, the guy(usually is, though I've seen a few women) is usually with his girlfriend or other buddies...but a couple of weeks ago, after I thought I could not be disgusted any further, I witnessed what I believe as a problem with kids growing up today. As a parent who was harshly judged, sometimes it is difficult for me to pick on the parents...but for this, I must. I was at Walmart(which is where these sightings most often occur) with a client of mine, shopping. We were checking out when I watched a male person(so self respecting person calling himself a MAN would do this) with his jeans way past his ass, showing his underwear(not even boxers) as he pushed 2 young children in his cart. He did not even have the decency to wear a long shirt like others do. I suppose there are those who feel this is a fashion statement and I do not pretend to know a damn thing about fashion...hell, I am a lesbian after all! This borders on exhibitionism. What does it say to these young children that they have to see their father's unders? Most of us would hurl seeing our parents walk around in their unders. I admit, I've seen my father in his by accident...and most of us have...by ACCIDENT. Now if this man was NOT the kids' father, then that's just another problem of parents not caring who their children are around. How can parents be a role model in today's world?

Keep your clothes on.

Lean Back and say "AHHHHH!"

2007-06-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

Here it is once again: Summer. The kids are out of school and blah blah blah (guitar solo in my mind) . Kids everywhere...if I wasn't already a lesbian, I'd become one. One without kids...you know, a true lesbian. Surprised I'd say such a thing when I have a daughter? Yah me too. DISCLAIMER: Yes I love my daughter with all of my heart and would not change a thing (Hmmm let me ponder that for a moment). To think of life without her (hmmmm ahhh--okay, I am back to reality now) is unimagineable. I would never know the struggle of life and attempting to bounce back when there's no where to go but up.

I'm not the most political person...but I've noticed, like many others, the decline of morality. Oh there are those who say the gays and lesbians of course, know nothing of morality...well, just look at them! Yah, just look at us! I don't fault gays and lesbians for having kids together...if it's what makes them happy and everyone is for it, go for it. It's just not something I could do. I did it all on my own....the GROSS way and dealt with the consequences. That being said...I've grown to be quite pessimistic when it comes to today's parents. I sometimes think there is too much technology...although it has some awfully good points. I see kids with their IPODS in the grocery store with their parents. I think it's the most disrespectful thing when you drown out your parents. My mother would have had a fit. No one can talk to anyone or do anything without a cellphone in their ear...can't drive without one and yes, it's good for an emergency. Do we really think Paris Hilton is calling for an emergency every time we've seen her with her cell phone in one hand and her ugly little dog in the other? (Sorry to all the dogs out there). It disgusts me to even mention her name but I see it everywhere. Oh yes, I have a cell phone and I use it for work and of course friends and family...I love having it but I've learned to survive when I don't have something. Kids with cell phones and IPODS....I love music myself...have to turn it on in the morning first thing. It's all taken the place of talking to each other, face to face.

Maybe the world has gotten so violent, rude and immoral, that we just want to drown it out.

So now I lean back and listen to my inner child say "AHHHHHHH"

Peace and Quiet For Everyone

A BIg Bag of DUH

2007-06-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

As I walk around this planet, I am continually baffled by people younger than me...the clothes they wear, the hardware they wear, the way they talk and conduct themselves. Okay maybe it's because I am approaching middle age. Though in contrast to my daughter feeling I came over on the Mayflower...I am only 42, so actual middle age has not knocked on my door. (And if it has, I have been out carousing!) I find myself shaking my head.

One of the things I see that I cannot work out in my mind is this practice by men(and a few strange women) of wearing their jeans down below not only their waist but below their butt(I am being clean for the moment). I say EWWW. In today's world, apparently it's appropriate for one to show their boxers to everyone. I had not yet seen any guy with regular underwear showing until a couple weeks ago. Can you imagine regular Joe Blow with his white BVDs showing (stomach gurgling)? So a couple weeks ago, I saw the front of this guy, who happened to be african american, where his jeans were down in the front showing his underoos....they were not boxers, but colored underwear. Maybe this is why the straight women hang on these guys...a promise what's to come. It makes me laugh and I will tell you what I recently read of the nature of this practice.

I do not know how many people know this, if it is true or not, but I found it hilarious. I choose to believe it is true. I apologize I cannot recall the name of the man who wrote the article.

There was an article(it could have been JET magazine) from a minister who had been in prison when he was younger and stated that the young people who practice this ritual would not do this if they knew its origin. According to this man, this started in the prisons. If a man wore his pants below his waist, showing his underwear, that meant he was available for a good ole time and wanted some action.

I am quite sure this has not been publicized or so many people would not be wearing their pants down to their ankles. If you look at the pants they wear..they are actually manufactured so one can wear them below the waist.

Maybe I will never understand this ritual, but at least I know of all they young men that are available.

Of course, it makes no difference to a lesbian.

Happy Days

What It Is...and What It Shall Be

2007-05-18T20:39:00.000-05:00

Here I am....just when I needed me the most. As it's been awhile between posts, here I am in all of my mediocre splendor..or is it Splenda? Who knows at this point.

As I digress...life has settled in a bit for all of us. Brittany has settled in and become comfortable and while that could be considered a good thing, it brings about the behaviors I have expected. Oh they are not nearly what I remember from years ago, but it really brings home what I've always known to be true. The girl needs some help to find her own road. I think my work with my clients that are DD(Developmentally Disabled...I refuse the word "retarded") has helped to calm me from my younger days with Brittany. Now that I am doing more teaching than physically taking care of them, I can understand more. There are communication issues. Hell, we all blow up and realize later maybe we should have talked it through. Brittany can manipulate with the best of them. It's been almost 6 years living without her...

God how I miss just missing her! LOL But for some reason, some higher power put her on my door step again for me to deal with. So I am doing what I have to do to help her help herself. My job as her mother is NOT to do it for her. A client's mother told me once, "You can love your child, but you have to make sure someone else loves her, too, because you won't always be around."

Cindy has been a dream come true...I always thought so, but every day I am reminded just how special she is. She's bought clothes and helped her organize her room and so many things. Brittany loves her and does things around the house...with a little nudging now, but has not argued too much.

I've found out that Brittany can graduate in December if she wants. So what I plan to be looking into in the meantime is finding her the right programs that offer vocational skills and real life training skills...like what I do.

I'm sure life will never be the same again...it can't. Life works out how it's meant to...like it or NOT.

So for my birthday on 5/24....I am taking myself away from here, by myself and going to visit my grandmothers. Kind of a treat to myself...and Lordy am I ever looking forward to it!

Hang in there folks!!

Peace Love and Hugs

That Which Does Not Kill Us....

2007-04-30T20:54:00.000-05:00

Yah, whatever. Okay, so it won't kill me and I know I've been through worse catastrophes...but it all still baffles me. Here's the update:

Brittany is here, a part of my NOW life. I still to this day, have not heard one word from the foster mother, S. (I feel like being mean and typing her whole name...but I digress). I have been on the phone constantly attempting to figure out things that should have already been figured out. Brittany is in school here and has even made a few friends, which thrills me to no end. She says she is happy here, there have been no angry outbursts, though there have been some intense emotional conversations. I've worked with her on talking about things instead of shutting herself off. I take the time to sit with her and talk things out. She has thanked me many times for allowing her to move in and told me how sorry she is that all this has happened. I really do believe her and feel good that she is aware of how much things have changed for everyone. She adores Cindy and we all entertain each other.

I have been making the rounds with social security and am now trying to get her on medicaid, which I do think will go through. My brother who just graduated with honors in Psychology has helped get me some information to get her tested with a neuropsychologist to see where things stand. What a kid! Both of them! LOL

So...all in all...I know it will work out how it is supposed to. I really believe that it's the best thing, though the stress of it all has me going insane.

Oh well. Life is a highway...now I'm on the detour.

P.S. Hi KMAE...what are you doing for OUR birthday? 5/24? LOL

Peace and HUGS

Life Turned Upside Down...Again

2007-04-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

18 Years and Counting...

2007-03-17T10:35:00.000-05:00

Here it is...March 17th already. Today, 18 years ago, a new and beautiful creature entered my life. Brittany. Oh how today is bittersweet, especially knowing what I know has transpired.

Brittany is coming for a visit on March 30th, for 1 week. Yesterday I learned that what I've been saying for years has come true. Brittany is on a downward spiral and for now, I have to sit and watch it. How it hurts to be right sometimes.

A few days ago, Brittany called me in the middle of the day, around 2pm(1pm her time). I asked why she wasn't in school. She tells me she was kicked out. This has never happened before. SHE tells me that some boy punched her. SHE says he began calling her names out of nowhere and just hauled off and punched her. Knowing Brittany the way I do...it didn't seem to fit. Just a few days before she told me, this same boy punched her in the face. I felt inside there was something more to the story.

Enter YESTERDAY. S(Brittany's foster mother) calls me. I finally learn that Brittany started this fight, she was the instigator and the aggressor and the one who name called the boy. The boy, Colin, was a boyfriend of Brittany's for a very short period of time. The story plays out like you'd expect from teenagers. Brittany's so-called "friend" Chelsea had dated this boy, then they broke up. She encouraged Brittany to go out with him. Brittany dumped her long time boyfriend(whom she never saw as he lived in a neighboring city 12 miles away) and pursued this boy. He bought Brittany a dozen roses, candy...the whole works for Valentine's day. Chelsea became livid as the boy never spent money on her while they were dating. Chelsea most likely told Colin stuff about Brittany and he dumped her. This girl has helped to turn Brittany into a raging maniac. Brittany has turned her back on her family that she's been with since she was 12. She comes and goes when she wants, hollers and screams obscenities, slams doors. They are all afraid to say hello for fear she will go off and she will. So the story goes that Brittany was late for school and they lock the doors. The boy happened to see her and said, "Ha! Got locked out, eh?" Brittany pushed him down screaming all kinds of obscenities as in the ole M. F. word. So he punched her...but 4 teachers witnessed this and they were both suspended.

In the interim S had to call the police to intervene when Brittany became unmanageable, as she has assaulted S several times. Even the District Atty has been involved and it was stated that there might be charges filed against her. The issue is that she was so close to being 18 and at 18, she is legally and adult. Brittany is supposed to call the judge and talk to him herself and as far as I know, she has not. The police officer and a youth officer informed S that she "Cannot live this way," and must practice tough love. He told her that if she does not follow the rules and storms out, for her to lock the door and not let her in, no matter what. S wanted me to know in case Brittany calls me. If she does, S suggested that I tell her to call the Police for help and they will find somewhere for her to go. They said Brittany definitely has an anger issue.

I spent yesterday attempting to pull myself together enough to work. I think about her anger. This has been ongoing and building up since she was at least 3 years old. I witnessed this rage in her. I just watched her in disbelief. That was at 3. Here she is, now at 18...only just out of control. I sit back wondering and asking myself...where did it all go wrong? I know I cannot afford to question this for too long because now it is up to me to once again try to get her the help she needs. No one listened to me all those years ago when I said something would happen and she would self-destruct if she didn't get help. She was taken off medication and not encouraged to go to counseling too much. Instead the focus was on me and my "poor parenting skills". I needed counseling and parenting classes. Now she is heading in that direction.

Brittany has invited herself to live with me when she graduates. I understand why she wants to be with me. In a perfect world, I would be elated as she has no idea how I have missed her every day she's been gone...every day for the past 6 years. I have been guilt ridden that I couldn't help her and keep her at home. I know in my heart of hearts that had I attempted to bring her back home all those years ago....I would not be here today. I knew enough to know she needed help I couldn't give her. Brittany had a few good years around middle school age, had very few incidences and even those S says she could get through. But...this is not a perfect world and I cannot right the wrongs in Brittany's life.

So here she comes for a visit. I do not know how this will go. I plan to take Brittany around to family to visit and spend little time at home with Cindy. I think the visit will go fine and the problem will be when she has to go back home. Now that it's come to this, I feel I must have a true heart to heart with Brittany when she gets here, letting her know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate what's been going on and if there are problems, she will go home early. I don't think it will be an issue as right now, I am the good mother. Who knows when that will wear off.

My task at hand? If she does come back here, I will find a placement for her. This will involve getting a newer diagnosis...she will have to agree to go and get some help and that will be no easy feat. She will have to know it's her only choice. Brittany has glamorized what living with me was like. I do not know if she truly has no conscience but I know she does not understand consequences for her actions. It's been the issue her entire life.

It breaks my heart knowing her life has taken this turn. I refuse to let it mess even one iota with my relationship with Cindy. I will do whatever is necessary to keep that from happening. I have some resources available to me through work and for that I am grateful.

I am writing the book on my experiences and here is another chapter...

Peace

HUG someone today...

10 Things That Irritate Me

2007-02-24T08:07:00.000-06:00

Top 10 Things That Irritate Me

10. Bad Drivers--The ones who just can't wait til you pass to turn in front of you

9. Men who have to touch themselves--are they afraid it's all going to fall off?

8. Parents who allow their kids to have mohawks or colored hair--especially at 3 years old

7. Young people who have turned gothic-- someone somewhere told them chains, tattoos and everything pierced was a good idea. After awhile, all that blackness brings a person down.

6. Those Baggy Britches--what is the purpose? Is it to show everyone your underwear? People that do this also wear chains and have to reach way down to their ankles to get to their wallet. Believe me, it's no fashion statement.

5. Walmart--plain evilness. It's all there is in this town where I live...and they know it.

4. Screaming Spoiled Kids--I've been here before and I hate being that parent. I would drop everything and leave when Brittany would try that. It should not be tolerated...amazing what happens when you take control.

3. Hypocrisy--Say what you mean and mean what you say

2. Men who feel they have to control women---get a grip

1. THE GOVERNMENT--everything about it....we are all mushrooms. To quote a song, "they feed us bull and keep us in the blind..." Thank you Travis Tritt. Anyone reading this blog should watch the documentary "WHY WE FIGHT". It is the best movie ever made, though will most likely never win an oscar.

QUESTION EVERYTHING.

Never Ending Circle

2007-02-21T09:43:00.000-06:00

Well...here I am at yet another crossroads in my life. Just when you think things are calm and you can sit back and enjoy it...here it comes.

Brittany was coming for a visit and I was preparing for this week of bittersweet happenings. As she saved her money, she was excited. This being said however, Brittany's future is questionable. Her life is out of control. This is what I was so scared of and now it is coming to light. Brittany has made life hell for her foster family and now they truly see what I was talking about. Brittany does not want to talk to anyone. Instead, everyone is walking on eggshells wondering if she will blow like Mt Saint Helens. She needs help getting her plane ticket and she is burning her bridges and refuses to sit down and talk to anyone. She told me, "I don't like to talk to people." I told her that people are everywhere and she is going to have to learn to talk, bite the bullet and put herself out there. She just refuses.

I spoke with the foster mother yesterday and I feel her pain because I was there 6 years ago. Now she has asked me to find a place for Brittany to go as she will be 18 next month and she feels Brittany will take off once she knows she can and the guardianship is over. I am not sure this will happen, but I am working on some things here. Since Brittany has invited herself to just come back to live with me, I am in the process of finding a placement for her...group home or some transitional placement where she can learn daily skills. This is what I do for a living, so it is good I have people to talk to and some connections. Knowing this is what has to happen for her to survive just breaks my heart. She needs some intervention and it's up to me to do something now.

How ironic is my life...here it is back to me where it started. Life will never be the same again.

Peace for all of us

Goobledy Gook

2007-02-07T09:12:00.000-06:00

Wow...it HAS been awhile. There is a special entry coming soon. But until then...here is what I've been up to.

Christmas was both wonderful and oh so sad...I lost one of my best friends to that evil thing Cancer. I watched my youngest brother graduate with honors and distinction in Psychology from University of Iowa and spent an early Christmas with my dad and both my brothers...something that hasn't happened for a long while. Also spent Christmas with my grandmother and a whole bunch of relatives...thank god that isn't every year(the other relatives, the weird ones).

My daughter Brittany is flying in for a visit the end of March. I was planning on driving to Wyoming, but after speaking to her foster mom, I decided otherwise. She stated to me that she thought she should spend her own money for the ticket and if she didn't save it, then there is her consequence. And also that it would be better to wait until AFTER she is 18. I have been worried about something happening...another made up story as in the past. After what happened 3 years ago with her stating I sexually abused her on a home visit, I was not about to go through that again. But now that she will already be 18, she will have to face her own legal consequences should that happen. I decided the foster mom was right. And actually Brittany is very excited about flying in to see me, has saved her money, $250 so far. So I am taking the week off and taking her around to see family. My intention is to not take any chances for Cindy. It's sad to not trust my own daughter, but I cannot let my guard down.

Another good thing: I have really started writing this book regarding my experiences with Brittany. I found a journal I'd written in the thick of the mess.

AND Cindy and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary! It amazes me how much I fall in love with that woman every day. My family loves her and sometimes I think they love her so much they forget the nature of our relationship! LMAO It's fascinating to me. I told Cindy, "They don't even care that you are gay!" LOL

Work is good and though depressing when I received my W2 and saw I barely made over $10,000. But I could not leave, I love it so much. Gotta write and sell the ole book!

I'll be back soon!!!!

The TRUE Testament

2006-12-22T08:54:00.001-06:00

Yes....every once and awhile it's nice to discover a verification of why I am a gay woman. Oh I've had several of them over the years...

There was that time that guy(who was married and had no clue I was gay) made a pass at me...touching my leg TWICE. ***SHUDDER*** I took 2 showers to try to scrub out the memory. It was then I thought..."YEP, I am SOOOO Gay." It really helps you to know you can never go back and it's really who you are, it's not just saying you are gay.

There was a few times when I was much younger that I had a notion I was BI(sorry that I just don't understand that notion)...met a really good guy but when it came down to sleeping with him...Lordy, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now, I am not saying there are not good men in this world, because there are. In fact, there have been a couple in my life over the years that really made me wish I wasn't gay. I've always said, I like men, as long as they keep their clothes on and accept that I don't want them and sleeping with them will NOT make me suddenly decide I was wrong about myself.

This being said...I made yet another discovery a couple days ago while at the mall. Yes, a TRUE TESTAMENT of why I am such a big ole lesbian.

I saw 4 men...they were young, 3 of them were black and one was hispanic. I only mention this fact because I have seen this before in black men, the younger ones especially. Though I am not saying it's a racial thing...it's a MAN thing. The mall of course, is full of Christmas and kids and people galore. Here comes these 4 men, and 3 of them are grabbing themselves, trying to find their special "friend" that I guess is present in all of their important decisions. One guy actually let go, but then just couldn't resist finding it again. Now I have to wonder...was he attempting some telekenesis to decide on what store to go into...was he asking his "friend" his opinion about whatever they were all talking about? I am not sure. Are these things made of GOLD where they just MUST touch them for good luck? All I can say is EWWWWW

Do women really find this attractive? When I asked a coworker if they truly were made of gold, she says, "Uh no, they are not." LOL

SO all I can say is THANK GOD I AM GAY...

Not to say that women don't have some peculiar things going on...cuz I know they do..but that's another book.

Merry Christmas TO all

Love and Peace

Something Smells...

2006-12-12T06:48:00.001-06:00

Once again I am rambling on about my job and the nature of it. I know I am lucky to know all of the clients I work with...those that are often called "retarded" which is a term I detest and it doesn't describe anything about those wonderful people I've had the honor of knowing.

I've worked for many agencies that are designed to "help" these people and in many aspects, they do. Of course, as with any company, there are problems and nothing goes down as perfect. But some things are just wrong.

Now the agency I work for has outside Case Managers for our clients...which this is different than the other agencies I've worked for. This is set up through the county. Yes another government agency...how appropriate. This is my beef...

I have a client, I will call her "K". She is the one who keeps me smiling, laughing and loving my job even at such a low pay rate. K's mother is very involved in her daughter's care and well being and doesn't just live in the moment, is attempting to plan for K's future, knowing she won't always be around for K. My job is based in something called HOME AND COMMUNITY BASED SERVICES where I train K on certain skills to assist her in becoming more independent. For K this includes shopping, laundry skills training, exercise and cleaning/domestic skills. Now when I began this job, I could tell there was a distinct school of thought about K's mother. K's mother is on the board of directors for my agency. My coworkers and my boss have a distinct distaste for K's mother. I, on the other hand, have gotten to know her and do not fear her nor does she intimidate me. We have a connection and this is due to the fact that I know where she is coming from. All of the things she does and asks for are for K and wanting to know how her daughter's time is being spent and what she is doing. Apparently, my agency and the county does not think she should be so involved and just accept whatever she gets. I find this just deplorable. And because she doesn't just sit back...she asks for answers...so she is the unreasonable bitch. K's case manager from the county AND her boss, the DIRECTOR, avoid phone calls...never return them, don't want to step up and say yes or no, but instead avoid K's mother like the plague. Now...they keep dicking her around when all she is asking for is YES or NO so she can move on to other areas.

Gee, can you tell this is a GOVERNMENT agency??? Just when you think you've seen all the bullshit you think your mind can comprehend...here comes another pile. And does it ever smell....

Here's my List...checkin it twice

2006-12-08T06:50:00.000-06:00

Howdy there...
I saw this on KMAE'S blog and thought I'd try it....

1. What is your occupation? Caseworker

2. What color are your socks right now? Black

3. What are you listening to right now? Christmas music on XM

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Fish sticks and Fries

5. Can you drive a stick shift? My car is a stick, so YES

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Lavender

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My girlfriend

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Of COURSE!

9. How old are you today? 41

10. Favorite drink? mocha latte, double shot

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? FOOTBALL, it's the bomb!

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope never have

13. Pets-- Spitz dog, Cody and Siamese Cat, Checkers...my gf's but now mine too

14. Favorite food- -- mashed potatoes and gravy and then, Italian

15. What was the last movie you watched? Another gay movie(AWFUL and waste of time)

16 Favorite day of the year? March 17....My daughter's birthday and then January 8(day I met Cindy)

17. What do you do to vent anger? yell, write

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? electronic battleship

19. What is your favorite season? Fall

21. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? You bet

23. Who is most likely to respond? hard to say

24. Who is least likely to respond? Hmmmm

25. Living arrangements? Me and my girl Cindy, the dog and the cat

26. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday listening to a song in the car

27. What is on the floor of your closet? My dresser

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest you are sendng this to? 2 years

29. What did you do last night? watched football

30. Favorite smells? My girl's body spray

31. What inspires you? People with disabilities

32. What are you afraid of? Death

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? I say CHEESY and SPICY

34. Favorite dog breed? jack russell

35. Number of keys on your key ring. 10

36 How many years at your current job? 1 year in March

37. Favorite day of the week? Saturdays

38. Favorite holiday - Thanksgiving

39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Forklift

40. Confident? most often

A Whole Mess of Wrong Doings

2006-12-07T06:12:00.000-06:00

Well...here I am again shooting off my mouth about what's wrong with the world today. Let it be said that I know there are alot of things that are right. In my line of work, I see all kinds of things that involve the well being of those who cannot always speak for themselves. These are people that others in their world have just shoved aside like yesterday's newspaper. Unfortunately, the government is involved in their lives...mostly Social Security and the Department of Human Services(DHS). Now, I have had my own dealings, personally, with these agencies and no matter what state you are in, it's always the same crap to wade through. See what y'all think about this:

One of my coworkers works with a client I will call S. The other day, my coworker was out with S and a conversation ensued. An innocent conversation turned serious. S talked about her stepfather "hurting" her and she ended up showing my coworker by pressing down her stomach saying her stepfather hurts her and hurts her feelings. Now no matter if this is true, we are mandatory reporters. So with the backing of our boss, my coworker reported this to DHS. Come to discover, S's mother works for DHS. The person my coworker reported this to actually told her it probably wouldn't be investigated as, "I know that family and go to church with them....known them for a long time."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

So now our boss thinks that S's mother will pull her daughter out of our program. Apparently, she is pissed off that much. Now instead of being pissed off that her own daughter is saying these things, shouldn't she find out why she is saying it? And it would not matter what agency she placed her daughter in...they would HAVE to report it.

What is wrong with these agencies can never be corrected when they decide not to take cases seriously because they know the family or it's a worker's family. What bullshit, but this is what the government has created...the "I'll scratch yours if you scratch mine" mentality. It begs the question: If this will not be investigated, what else is not investigated? How many children, disabled and elderly people have to endure abuse at the hands of their caretakers? And the one place you can go to make things right doesn't take you seriously. I thought of this when my daughter Brittany stated that I had abused her...because of her past problems, they did not take it seriously...but if no one investigates, how do they know nothing's going on? Every case should be investigated and treated as if something bad has happened...but should be investigated impartially. Obviously, that cannot happen in these agencies.

What else has to happen?

That's my rant, I'll be here all week.

All I Want For Christmas Is....For it to be OVER!

2006-12-06T18:42:00.000-06:00

Just when Thanksgiving gets done with, knowing the madness has only just begun kinda gets my cackles in an uproar. Although, I have to say..my Thanksgiving was probably the best I've had in many years....if not the very best. My heart just melted having Cindy there, the love of my life and having everyone in my family accept her as part of the family. It made me feel so good to see my stepmother hug her while doing the dishes...don't moms just love it when someone steps up to do the dishes! LOL Cindy had to go home early and since we drove separate cars, I spent the night. My stepmother how well I did for myself having Cindy in my life and I had better "Mind your Ps & Qs." That always makes me laugh! My brothers were both there with their women LOL My brother and his wife came from Denver, CO and my younger brother was there with his girlfriend. Normally, I am not fond of holidays but I can feel it getting better. My stepmother even called to find out what Cindy and I wanted for Christmas! I feel so grateful. My dad, my grandmother, me and brothers stayed up late playing dominoes LOL It was good. Now if only Christmas were done and over with...there's never enough time or money. And why do we stress out so much...oh that's another entry!

It's THAT Time of Year...AGAIN

2006-11-20T08:21:00.000-06:00

I welcome me back after what seems to be a long absence. I say this to all the people who read my blog..KMAE LOL

It's hard to believe it's going to be Thanksgiving already. For me, it will be a monumental one. This will be the FIRST Thanksgiving I've ever taken a girlfriend to a family holiday. My dad and stepmother just love Cindy and it's been an amazing transformation. To watch my dad say to her the last time we saw them, "I'll take a hug." LOL I'm sure my jaw was on the floor, and that is when they both invited her for Thanksgiving. My 2 brothers will be there, one who lives in Denver. My other brother who is 28 has not met Cindy yet and it will be good to be there. Ahh not to mention I have a 4 day weekend! It's been a long time since I've had a job where that has happened.

This being said...it's been a long time since I've loved Christmas. Since I've been with Cindy, I have enjoyed it. The holidays were always awful when Brittany was home with me, I know due to her behavioral disorders...though knowing that didn't make it any less stressful. Another reason I am not fond of Christmas is how early it starts and how commercial it is. It is disgusting how materialistic it becomes and it turns normally loving caring people into greedy demons. I'm telling you there is no toy, no eletronic device that I would stand in line at 5am to go buy. So, yes, I am difficult when it comes to birthdays and Christmas gifts...when people ask me what I want...I usually say "nothing" or "I don't know". I just can't tell someone there is something I want. It seems so greedy and self serving to me. If you want to buy me something and you know me pretty well, you already know what I like. Plus I never really ask anyone what they want, because the whole fun of it is the element of surprise, coming up with my own ideas. So maybe it's me that's messed up...who knows, but it's just me.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Making Sense Out of a Senseless Tragedy

2006-10-24T07:06:00.000-05:00

There is no way to do it, I don't care how you try, it cannot be done. Recently, a family in Iowa was killed "Allegedly" by the oldest son. It hits close to home because I know the sister of the father who was killed. Not too well, but nonetheless, someone I know is going through hell right now.

The father, his wife and 3 daughters were slain in their own home. Now I am a firm believer in the notion that there is some big plan for everything, though we might not understand it. I cannot make that transition with this event. It tests everything I believe. I have a hard enough time with death, let alone something so awful.

What is the world coming to when the only way to deal with your family is to kill them? Are we so immune to the violence of the world that this becomes second nature? Everyday, someone is shot, killed and tortured and that is not even mentioning war. War has taught us, it's okay to kill someone, take away their life, since they don't beleive what we do. I have my misgivings about the death penalty, but for the most part I agree with it...mostly I think it's too good for all of them. Ugh, don't get Cindy started on that topic!

One more thing:
Why is it that the media shows up for funerals in these cases? It is so maddening to me. There were news crews at these poor people's funerals. Why? Would they want them there if it were their family? My friend and her partner were hounded so much, they had to go stay somewhere else. To have people in your face asking "How do you feel?" WTF...

My friend said now that she has grieved and the funerals are over....she is just angry.

And I'm right there with her.

Greed: It's What's For Dinner...

2006-10-09T07:19:00.000-05:00

Every time I believe in humanity and the notion that people are really good, down deep...something will inevitably change my mind. Now mind you, I believe that most people are not this way with their own family members...but it makes you wonder.

One of my coworkers and I work with 2 clients who share a house. Our agency is their payee for their money, so part of our job is to work with them on managing their checkbook and money. James is my coworker's client. He is lower functioning, is difficult to understand at times when he talks and some might say, has strange tastes. He has straggly hair and appears dirty many times...and is because most often he does not shower. I am not sure of the details of his childhood, but it was rough and he was not taught that hygeine was important and obviously, other things. He has a half brother who is suddenly coming around the house every friday and this guy looks like he came from some trailer part down in the bayou...the bad part of the bayou. While at first, we all thought this was good that his family was wanting to spend time with James, it has turned into something else altogether. Every Saturday, my client, Mike, and James share a cab to go grocery shopping. Suddenly, James's brother and entourage are taking him grocery shopping. James has strange eating habits and doesn't eat meat unless it's sausage. While looking over his receipts, my coworker noticed James was buying huge family packs of steak and pork chops..things James never eats. James only has so much money and now he spends every weekend with his family. A couple weeks ago, James had a huge amount of pop cans to turn in and my co worker suggested he have his brother take him. Well, he came there while I was there with my client and James and his brother got the cans together. These were out on the porch. Mike had his inside the house. The brother come in the house and I watched him eyeing Mike's cans. I made a point to say to Mike, "Hey Mike, aren't those your cans there?" Mike says, "Oh yes, those are mine right there." I can just see it in his eyes. So every weekend, James spends money for these people and they come back for more. Our boss has said not to say anything because then these people won't want anything to do with James. But we know, once he's out of money, they won't want him anyway. James is already talking about living with these people, so who knows what crap they are filling his head with over there. He has started spending the night. James says he sleeps in a recliner. What's sad is James doesn't see what they are doing, all he knows is that his brother wants to see him and he is so desperate for that attention. It just burns me, watching it, but there is nothing we can do but sit and watch. Though my coworker tells me James is getting more difficult when it comes to handing over his receipts for his groceries....though this has been something he's done for years. Money is the evil source for so many things and it leaves a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And when you can't even trust your own family members...what does that say?

Case 2:

Another coworker of mine has a client named Joe. He has had many problems, as he has been court ordered to have so many hours of skills training with us. He wasn't paying his bills and giving all his money to this girl in another city around 45 minutes away. This girl has a baby and a boyfriend supposedly in prison she is waiting for. Joe received a bunch of money from Social Security as back payment...not just a piddly amount either...$10,000. Joe's sister hurried herself after Joe's last court date, to make herself in charge of this money, though our agency is now his payee. Sure she bought Joe a few things for his dumpy apartment, a new microwave, a new tv some dishes. She didn't buy him any clothes or even a winter coat that he needs. Whenever my coworker has asked Joe's sister about new clothes and using that money, she tells her to "just forget about that money. I don't want to talk about that money." Now, you know, when someone plays that avoiding game regarding money...there probably is no more. Supposedly, Joe's sister is to be held accountable for that money....but who is going to do that? What's worse is that for the last 2 weeks, Joe has been sick. He couldn't swallow and could not eat or drink, or what's worse for Joe, is he couldn't even smoke! My coworker took it upon herself to take him to the Dr. Come to find out...Joe has THRUSH. I know I've heard of this and the way my coworker was explaining it to me, I asked her, "Is it some kind of venerial disease?" She tells me there is only 2 ways to contract it....Oral Sex and she said that babies sometimes have it. EWEWEW(Yes I say ew even though as a lesbian, it's almost a job requirement). God only knows where this girlfriend of his has been...but also come to find out, the girl has it too.
Now my coworker took Joe to get this medicine, which is liquid. Joe shakes alot and she knew he was going to spill it everywhere as he would be left to self medicate. Sure enough, Joe's sister called my coworker to say that Joe had spilled the whole bottle and needed more. But this was over a week later, so Joe never got any medicine for a whole week! My coworker finally took Joe back to the dr and emphatically told them he needs a pill instead. Finally this was accomplished, but then Joe's case managerk, who is through the county tells my coworker that she's gone to far with her job and she is not is caretaker or mother and that Joe's family should have stepped up to the plate to handle this. WHAT? What do we do when that doesn't happen? Meanwhile, Joe is so destitute and needs so many things that this money could help him with...and my coworker says, "meanwhile, we are going to the salvation army to buy jeans." How appalling is that? It just burns my blood that so-called families will do anything in the name of greed when it comes to money....

Meanwhile, I try to keep faith that people are inherently good...

That's So Ghetto!

2006-10-07T09:10:00.001-05:00

There was once a teenage girl I worked with last year that would tell me "that's so ghetto!" all the time. It just cracked me up. The language of teenagers today makes me laugh...especially girls. Last week while at work, there was a letter from a teenage girl to a boy she liked, left on the table in our office. I don't know the author or her intended recipient....whether or not they were clients or not, but it was left there on the table for some reason and all of us caseworkers got a royal kick out of it. It started, "Hey Sexy..." haven't we all started a letter like that? LOL Every other word was OMG "I can't believe that girl did that to you! OMG I'm SO not like that and would not do that to you? Like OMG I can't believe it!"

This all came home to me a few days later when I talked to Brittany. She was going to the Homecoming dance and was talking about giving last year's picture to her boyfriend's grandmother, who happens to be her boss at her job. This was the conversation:

"I was all like, I didn't give you last year's picture? And she was all like, "No, you didn't." And I was all like, "Wow, I thought I did. Do you like want one this year?" And then she was all like, "Yes I want one." And then I was all like....."

I couldn't stop laughing and then I wondered if my mother thought my language was weird. Sometimes, I can stop and really listen to people and how many times they say "Like" in a sentence or when they talk about someone else talking, they say.."and then she GOES..." It's really fascinating. I think it stems from the wonderful 80s and the valley girl movement.

And then I was all like.....WOW TOTALLY AWESOME!

Life Changes Turned Upside Down

2006-09-18T07:38:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning I received an interesting phone call. It was from Brittany's foster mother, whom I will call S. It is rare for her to call me. I only receive these calls when Brittany is out of control. Well, guess what...it's happening now. I knew something was going on, but wasn't sure to what extent.

Ever since Brittany purchased her cell phone, I've heard from her practically every day, more than once. She text messages me like crazy. It has felt nice to hear from her so often...though it has concerned me when she messages me from school and on her work break. Brittany told me that she and S are at odds and she spends most of her time in her room, hardly talking to S. I have attempted to talk Brittany into talking with S. It has only been since S called me, that I know the true extent.

Brittany will be 18 in March and the guardianship is over. Brittany has a friend, C who is a year younger than her. Apparently, this friendship(from what S has told me) has been off and on. When C gets tired of Brittany she calls her names like "fat" and "retard" even though Brittany is neither one of those(and even if she were, this is no excuse from a so-called friend) . S told me that Brittany has come home in tears and then C ignores Brittany until she decides to bring her in again. C also gets jealous if Brittany has other friends. Brittany has recently spent alot of time with C and C's parents. C's parents have invited Brittany to come live with them when she turns 18. Though Brittany will not graduate until she is 19, she is planning this. S has told Brittany she can stay there as long as she wants, so it's not like she wouldn't have anywhere to go. S also tells me something disturbing about C's parents. Apparently, C's mother has told Brittany that Brittany is the only one of C's friends that C's father doesn't continually stare and watch every move. This left me with a creepy feeling that 1) C's mother knows this and tells Brittany and 2) That it has continued to happen with other girls. And to think my daughter wants to live there? S agreed with me when I brought this up and stated she felt the same way. Brittany has manipulated her way with S and refused to talk at all to her. When S stated she would call me, Brittany told her, "She doesn't want to talk to you, she hates you." Which is totally not true, but this is what Brittany does. As it was, S had to steal my number from Brittany's address book. S stated to me that in Brittany's mind, she and C are going to get an apartment together. C is a year younger and Brittany is living in this fantasy world. Her answer to S is "I'm an adult and I can do what I want." I was so disheartened to hear all of this. S warned me that she was going to ground her from her phone as she is on it late at night, takes it to school even when she is not supposed to and is constantly defying S. According to S, C and her mother swear at each other, there are no rules or boundaries and I am sure this looks wonderful to Brittany. The other side of this is that Brittany has emotional problems and cannot deal with life. She has cursed and thrown things and at times, hit S. I know all about this, though Brittany was much younger. S told me the next time, things got violent, she was going to call the police, have them put her in the youth home for 72 hours to give her a taste. Brittany was in the youth home when she was 12 due to her violent tendancies, that no one believed would ever happen, even when I told them exactly what would take place. So this is what has come to be.....I told S that I would try to talk to Brittany the next time she called me. She has texted me on Saturday, but I chose not to call her with the intention of talking to her. I didn't want her to feel ganged up on. I do want her to know, however, that S and I have talked and I know everything. I do not want Brittany moving in with those people and I just pray it doesn't happen. Yesterday, I did not hear from her at all....so it could be that S has taken her phone as promised. I assured S that I was in total agreement with her and she needed to follow rules and understand she is NOT an adult and must follow S's rules of the house. During the past 5 years, I have had this conversation with Brittany. So now I wait to hear from Brittany....it all just hurts my heart

The Way of the Crab(b)

2006-09-13T08:14:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I attended a family reunion. Since it was on my mother's side, it was a big deal. Since I have not seen my mother for almost 18 years, I felt pretty good that I was included in this party. My mother never goes to the reunion, so I was not worried she would be there. My grandmother's maiden name was CRABB. There were 6 children born into the Crabb family, my grandmother being the youngest. Now she is the only one left. She will be 88 years old in December and lives in a nursing home in Marshalltown, IA. My aunt Kay(my mother's sister) and my uncle(her husband), are so wonderful. She is the total opposite of my mother. She is a fun loving no holds barred woman...how much I love that and never fully appreciated that when I was a child growing up. My aunt and uncle live in Marshalltown and never left, so she has bared the brunt of living in the same town as my grandmother all these years. My mother left town. I am not the only one my mother has abandoned. She has done the same thing to my brother and her own family, my aunt and grandmother included. I know that she is waiting for my grandmother to die because she thinks she is getting some money. I have a feeling she will be greatly disappointed.

So, every year some member of this entourage throws the "CRABB REUNION". This time it was one my mother's cousins, Sharon...whom I didn't know or remember. These people I am sure I have not seen since I was quite young. I walked into the church where it was held and Sharon says "You're Julie, right?" I said yes, in shock. She says, "I knew it was you....dare I say, you look just like your mother." Great I thought LOL

This CRABB REUNION is a big deal....they have minutes written down and how much was raised from the sale of the CRABB FAMILY COOKBOOK and everything that went down the year before. It's very organized. The decor was CRABs everywhere and there were door prizes. I was the first one to win, so I picked out a rainbow neon colored stuffed crab LOL No one would ever know just how appropriate that was! LOL It was a nice time as I sat with my grandmother. People have laughed who have known my grandmother, when I say her maiden name was Crabb. My grandmother, a staunch German, all her life has been quite a cold woman...though she has mellowed as she's gotten older. She's told me she loves me and cries when I visit her in the nursing home. She's always been pretty bossy, it's her nature and all my life, I've been used to getting up and doing this and doing that. So I was on bathroom patrol with my grandmother. She is pretty weak and I know she can take herself to the bathroom, though it is hard for her. So when she asks me, I can't refuse. I have to laugh and wonder why I always get these jobs! Who ever thought all those years ago I would end up wiping my grandmother's end? LOL

My aunt has been interested in my writing and has wanted to read THE PURSE, or finish it. I brought it for her and gave it to her. She is going to try to finish it by Christmas as after that she and my uncle go to their house in Arizona for the winter. She wants me to get published so I can stick it to my mother, since she obviously thinks I would turn out to be no good at all. It's a good feeling to see all these other people that are a part of my family...people I've never really known. Life goes on....

1800 BUSTED

2006-09-09T07:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was indeed interesting! And there is one driver that is probably pissed off right now. I am driving to Burlington IA where I work, which is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I have to drive highway 61 which runs through Fort Madison, IA. Some moron in a CAR QUEST AUTO PARTS truck cut me off, then speeding through 30 mile/hr zones, swerving in and out of traffic, no signals or anything. What's so moronic is that right on the back of his truck is a bumpersticker that gives an 800 number and asks the loaded question: "HOW'S MY DRIVING?" and lists the truck number. Oooooh this is just giving me too many options to resist. So I finally catch up to him and right the number on my hand and for the first time, call this 800 #. I talk to the woman, tell her the truck number and she told me that she would give a call to the manager of the store and took my name and number. Maybe an hour later, the manager called me asking for the specifics. I tell him and then say, "I feel that someone in a company car should be a little more responsible." He tells me, "We just wanted all of the specifics before we talk to him." I wish more people had HOW'S MY DRIVING? on the back.

Have a safe and happy day!

Writing

2006-09-06T07:35:00.000-05:00

What a weekend. It was wonderful having a 3 day weekend. I've spent much of my working life working every holiday and most weekends. It's the nature of what I do. This is the first job in awhile I've worked M-F and had holidays off. How I love it! The pay is crap, like most rewarding jobs...that's why you really have to love it. Uhh I digress....

So this weekend, I FINALLY started writing again. This time I am writing the story of Brittany and how it all came to be. I've decided to leave out my being gay, because if it is ever published, I do not want that to be the focus and I know damn well it would be. I've finally got the bug again...

I am still trying, though I've put it on the back burner for now, to get my other book published. For future reference, it is called THE PURSE....here is a synopsis:

Lydia Blackwell is a 38 year old therapist and lesbian. Raised in a mansion outside of Chicago by a her father, William, a prominent stock broker and businessman, a hispanic housekeeper/nanny and a butler. Lydia's mother died in a fiery car crash when Lydia was 3 years old. As the story opens, Lydia rushes to her father's bedside. It was only a matter of time before the cancer took over. He apologizes for not being the father he should have been. Even though Lydia has kept her sexuality hidden from her father, he tells her, "...never be ashamed of who you are or even....who it is you love." Then suddenly, William Blackwell tells her "...your mother, she's alive." and then Lydia's father is gone forever. Lydia dismisses this confession as a man delirious with disease until she overhears the housekeeper and butler, who are her surrogate parents, talking about the big secret. At her father's funeral, Lydia meets a man who, through some prodding from Lydia, admits that he and William were lovers for many years. The man gives Lydia a stunning silver beaded purse. Little does Lydia know, there are people after this trinket, including a mob family, who are more connected to Lydia than she knows. Once Lydia finds her mother, a whole other world opens up...long held secrets her mother thought were long ago buried rise again. Suddenly, Lydia's whole world is turned upside down after she realizes the people she'd trusted her entire life have let her down. No one is who they seem and THE PURSE holds answers and even more questions.

Of course, there is more to this story. It took me 4 years to write this book. Life happens but it was during the writing of this book that I realized what I want to do with my life. It's funny how I got this idea too. My ex gf in Wyoming, D, I shall call her...brought out this slinky purse, kind of 20s style...I'm sure an antique. She told me her grandmother found it in a drawer and threw it at her saying, "I don't know where this came from...your drunken grandfather probably won it in a poker game for all I know." It had a family crest embedded on it. I started thinking then...wouldn't it be a story for this purse to be passed on from person to person. Lordy, everything's a story to me! Then I thought about D. Her mother died when she was 3, of diabetes. The woman was only 26 years old. But in my twisted mind, I thought, "Wouldn't it be crazy if they just told her that her mother died and she's really walking around somewhere?"
That's where the story started and it evolved into something I never expected or planned on.

I've read the book to Cindy and she read some too....but she's not a reader and doesn't care that much for fiction. But as she was reading it, she got involved with the characters. There were a couple of people I worked with in Wyoming that read it and couldn't believe I wrote it HAHA
There was a publisher interested out of Denver...but they changed owners and it fell through the cracks. But one of these days....it will be out there.

But the story on Brittany is non-fiction, so I think more than anything, it will be the one. And it's a story I want to share. Everytime I tell it, people can't believe it really happened and what both Brittany and I went through.

What can I say....I am an incurable dreamer....

Just A Little Something

2006-09-01T07:33:00.000-05:00

Brittany called me from her new cellphone that she purchased herself with her first paycheck from her first job. She is having the time of her life having this job. She sounds so grownup and she has surprised me, for sure. She has learned to text LOL and she has been texting me quite alot, calling me more often.

She also told me she is moving in with her best friend and her parents after she turns 18 which is in March of next year. I am not sure what I think about it, but apparently her foster mom is mad at her for that decision, even though she'd told her "it's your decision". Brittany told me, "I've had enough." But there is 8-9 kids in that house all the time and I know she is expected to babysit and do things that really the foster mom should be doing. It's the way they make money. If that's what I had to do to make money.....uhhh, I'd be happy to be poor LOL

But I can be very very grateful that Brittany and I are still close after everything that has happened. So I sit back and watch. Knowing she will be 18 is so crazy for me. She hasn't had the easiest life and who knows what's around the corner. She's working in fast food which is something I just cannot do....it's not the easy job people assume it is. So I applaud her and am so very proud of her...YOU GO GIRL! LOL

Warm Fuzzies

2006-08-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

It was a good couple of days. I took part of Thursday and all of Friday off, since Cindy and I were SUPPOSED to go to the Dixie Chicks on Thursday originally, but since they cancelled, I decided to make a trip out of it anyway and go see my grandmothers that live in Marshalltown, IA...one in a nursing home there and one in assisted living there. Cindy and I also wanted to get away, so we went to Ames, IA Thursday night, where I graduated from College, Iowa State University. I wanted to show her around. I took her out to eat at my favorite BBQ place and she was in heaven. We relaxed at the hotel...where by the way, due to AAA, Cindy got a discount for the room, that we discovered was normally $135/night for $77! I just can't imagine paying that much....it's insane, but it's probably even more once the football season comes along. Friday morning we went for breakfast and I drove her around the city, then we went to Marshalltown to see my grandma June, who is my mother's mother. My mother, whom I have not seen in over 17 years, or talked to even...if you've read previous posts. My mother has baffled everyone in her family. No one understands why she has cut everyone off from her world. So, at least I know now, I am not the only one. But even her own mother, she barely comes to visit. I know it's because she thinks she is getting money, but she is not. But my grandma June is a cold German....or she used to be while I was growing up and I suppose during my mother's childhood. I am guessing she holds my grandmother responsible for her perceived awful childhood. True, my grandmother has never been overly affectionate, although I can honestly say she has mellowed as she's gotten older. Obviously, I cannot say this for my mother. My mother always told me, "I don't ever want to be like my mother." She's 100 times worse. Anyway, Cindy bought some beautiful Begonias for both my grandmothers. So we went to see Grandma June and stayed chatting for 3 hours. I believe she liked Cindy and enjoyed our conversations. I was so proud watching her sit there and engage in conversations with my Grandma June....she just wins over anyone. Grandma told me that my Aunt(my mother's sister) and uncle were at their house having a yard sale and I should stop by and see her. So we did. I love my aunt....she's always been a wild sort. She would buy me birthday and christmas presents to piss off my mother...POGO sticks, Unicycle, skateboards LOL And then at my high school graduation, she sat in the audience wearing a LAS VEGAS visor that lit up like a neon sign! LOL My aunt is very interested in my writing and has encouraged me to keep trying to get it published. She has started reading my novel but had to quit due to her leaving town, but wants to finish. When I told her it had gay characters in it, she says "I don't care! I love books like that!" Well Cindy and I showed up and I introduced her to my aunt and uncle and we talked and talked. My aunt even gave Cindy a hug when we left! It makes me feel so wonderful....it's beyond words. Cindy has met my other grandmother, Millie, before as she is the one I lived with and took care of. And she really likes her and always thanks her for taking care of me! It was such a good couple of days, it just makes me smile.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it all falls into place.

A Day in the Life

2006-08-23T07:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was another good day at work. Half the time, it doesn't even seem like work. I've worked with developmentally disabled since 1995 and wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. They make me laugh and forget about whatever issues that plague my mind. So, yesterday I was with Dean, whom I walk at the mall with every Tuesday and Thursday. He is the most high functioning of anyone I have, I think. He makes me laugh so much because of his sarcastic wit and humor. He's talked about politics, the war and other things that are unbelievable. Last Thursday was his birthday, though I did not know it until he got into my car and said, "It's my birthday today, what are you going to do for me?" He's very proud and never lets me buy his drink when we get finished walking. He says, "I think I'm in the mood for steak and lobster." LOL I tell him, "I think you forget where I work!" When I take him to the mall, I drop him off and then go park, while he starts walking. So while he was walking, I snuck into the hallmark store and got him a card and some candy that he likes. For all the kidding, he wasn't expecting me to do that and was very appreciative. I told him I had to sneak around because that was the only way!

Well, yesterday, I went to pick him up and his mom comes out to say, "That sure was a cute card you got for him. You seem to know him so well!" So then yesterday while we were walking he says, "are you up to having a frosty(at Wendy's) today, it's on me." He wanted to buy me a frosty for being so nice and getting him the card. I was so touched by the whole thing. Then when we got back to his house, his mom came out with a big sack of tomatoes and a cucumber for me. It just goes to show there are good people and it makes it all worthwhile to see it happen.

I told Dean yesterday that on Thursday I was going out of town, but he was the only client I was working with, as I had cancelled everyone else. He says, "You just couldn't stand being away from me, could you?" bahahaha I said, "No, I need your daily dose of sarcastic comments to get me through!" He told me, "Well if it's lip you want, I can give you lots of that!"

That's why I have such a good time!